Random Tuesday Oct 30th

Crying.
Someone in this building is always crying.  And this time, it wasn't me.
But it was a woman, so I'm guessing it was either the Party Girl who lives below me or the mysterious new neighbour's wife cross the hall who I haven't seen who was pregnant.

Either way, whomever she was she was standing in the main lobby doorway crying for most of the night.  Couldn't see her, just heard her but I know it was the doorway cause it was echoing.

I have no sympathy anymore, this building has tried to kill me more then once.  No, Mr. Scratchy, I'm not exaggerating.  Broken my leg on the stairs first year I was here, had my car accident while living here, broke my foot in the bathroom here, shattered my knee out on the driveway.  Not too mention all the bad luck with being betrayed all happened here, by my cousin, half my exes, my production crew from the vampire movie that never got finished... I swear, this building is like a black hole for luck. Total Amityville over here.

Married people don't stay married here. Couples don't stay together here. I've noticed that too.
The landlords bought this place 10 years ago, and right away, she moved in and he stayed at their house. Divorce was the theme for two years.
I had three relationships go south while she was here. Then she left went back to the house, and he moved into the building. Ironically, took her old apartment.
With him, came the unstable party people. Every few months. No one stays, and no one stays in relationships. There is always someone in the lobby fighting and calling the cops on the other claiming this or that.
Someone from the across the hall apartment always, and I mean always, ends up being taken in for domestic abuse.
But, it's only been since the landlord moved in.

Bad luck, negativity and general aura of a person always follows to where a person lives. Good luck, positivity and the general aura will too, if that's what you give.

Trust me Mr. Scratchy; Herman, if I could afford moving, I would have.

Post-it notes Oct 26th

Mr. Scratchy; Herman, I just finished watching the tv special  Mockingbird Lane.  The remake of the Munsters. It was light and likable.
Did you catch it?

And it made me think about my own situation.  Scars, silliness, Dracula cookies. Anyways, I couldn't not come in here and leave you a post it after seeing a Munsters show.

I imagine you tonight Mr. Scratchy, sitting there reading this, a cup of tea in hand, that dog I think you have tangling around your feet trying to trip you up, a handful of hallowe'en candy. 
I imagine you nodding at me for writing this, mumbling the original theme song from the Munsters.

Post-it Oct 25th

The few nights ago, my mother went over to my aunt and uncle's for dinner.  Uncle had surgery on his hip. Anyways, my aunt sent back this massive pan with the left overs. My mother finished everything off finally, and my cousin came to pick up the roasting pan.
I went outside for a few minutes with him while he had a smoke.

Walsh-:"Thought you went home?"

Me-:"I did. Came back on the weekend. Going back home tomorrow."

My cousin shook his head with this grin on his face. "What went wrong?"

Me-:"Nothing really, just found my place too quiet. Like horror film too quiet. Just came back for a few days."

Walsh-:"So you're leg is doing better then? You look like you're walking better."

Me-:"Yes my leg is as good as it's going to get. Just had a bit of a panic cause of the stairs and stop laughing. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, seriously. How am I suppose to live there when I can't even carry my purse myself up and down the stairs with me? Have to use a cane just to get up and down them. Changing subject now. How's everything with you?"

He shrugged and tossed the cigarette, pulling his hood up cause it was raining still. Had been half the day.

Walsh-:"Fine."     His sister is in rehab again, and his wife just started a new job that it sounds like she won't be keeping because her best friend is already talking about quitting.  His life is still more interesting then mine is.  "You know what I don't understand, why you put up with it?"

Me-:"You lost me there dear. Put up with...?"

Walsh-:"Mr. Scratchy never wishing you get well in all this."

Me-:"Ah. I see. None of the wrestlers who read me did either so..." my turn to shrug.  I know this had nothing really to do with me, he was upset about his sister.It looks like she may need a liver transplant once she's sober enough.  He said nothing just put his hands in his pockets and let out a deep breath.  "When I was in hospital after this happened, I was there what, five days; totally unable to get around, not able to get online. On the night before I came home, the right side of my body exploded with itchiness. So Mr. Scratchy was thinking of me, like constantly. I must have looked like a freak with the scratching. Anyways, when I got home after that five days, and logged online, I saw that there were major hits to the works I do, and some to a spot on the internet that I don't think Mr. Scratchy or my wrestlers read. But, it looks like they had in that last two days I was in hospital. And I mean like in a panic, cause they knew I wrote every day on the one spot. And they sort of went looking for me.  So, I know I was missed. Would I have liked a get well from some of these guys, yes but you know..." 

I sort of didn't know what to say or do. My cousin has always been the rock in the family that everyone else depends on. I haven't seen him undone since our grandmother died over a decade ago.

Walsh-:"And?"

Me-:"They worried. He worried. What do you want me to say?  Just because Mr. Scratchy or The Celebrity or The Other Guy or whomever else in the industry didn't say hi yet, doesn't mean they want me dead. Okay, maybe The Celebrity wants to duct tape my mouth shut but..." 

We talked a bit more about his sister, and then he got a call from his kids asking him to pick up some ice cream on the way home. He is not the same guy he was a year ago. He worries more.

Lazy Cobwebs

I remember him naked, sitting on my bed playing the bass. His eyes were cast sideways as he tried to look cool. Though, I must say, it's difficult for anyone to look cool while being naked trying to balance a large green bass guitar.
He wore a skull ring that I hated. Never took it off.
Always tasted of beer and weed no matter what.
I came across a stack of photos of him that I had tried to forget existed. I tucked them back away in the envelope and back in a box.

I found a manuscript, the first draft of something in another pile of notes and short stories. This time of a man with sandy coloured hair and ocean blue eyes. Better times.
A man I've studied and stared at, a million times over the years, but never met. Inspiration enough that literally engulfed me out of the blue one day.
Who knows where that image and imagination might have led? A best seller maybe?

If sex complicates things, then doesn't reality as well?  

In the beginning, the ex tried to be the muse for me. He did things to end up being photographed, drawn, written about. It was nearly exhausting trying to keep him in the spotlight.

In the end, The Other Guy was just naturally a muse for me. It only became difficult when I learned that people were actually paying attention.

There is a part of me that thinks The Other Guy doesn't get all the credit he deserves. Whatever his reality is, it's a lot less complicated then mine.

Post-it Oct 18th 2012

So I have been home for a full day.  Still adjusting to being back in the hovel.
Looking around at the bits and pieces of my life. Nothing feels like me anymore. I know, it's been just over 7 months, but I feel detached from everything here.

I've seen the neighbour from across the hall three times since I've been back.  Getting his mail, taking out the trash, talking to one of his buddies at the door for awhile.  But haven't seen the wife or kid?  It was only two months ago, when I met the new neighbour and he told me his wife was about to have their first kid any day.
So where are they?  

Well, Mr. Scratchy; Herman, it's been raining here all day, just the way I like it. Dark, cloudy, that October chill. These are the days when you just want to curl up on the sofa with someone and drink some hot chocolate or something.

I'm just trying to sort out where I fit in; in all this?  This doesn't really feel like my life anymore. Doesn't really feel like my "home" anymore. Just feels like a giant storage closet.  With a big layer of dust from 7 months of non-use.  Dreading the housework ahead of me, housework is just not sexy.

Other then the mystery of the neighbours, there isn't much going on today here.  Just settling back into this place. Trying to find the balance between who I was before the knee injury and who I am now. Which is odd when you think about it. Who would have thought a broken bone would change your world both physically and emotionally? 

Okay Mr. Scratchy, I hope you're afternoon is going well. I imagine you reading this maybe on your coffee break from all that research I believe you are doing for that thesis, I think you are working on. I imagine you reading this, scratching your head, maybe wondering which of your buddy's costume party to go to for Hallowe'en?  Go to the one who's having the Rocky Horror Picture Show theme.  RHPS... now there's an idea for a blog theme... anyways, hope I brought a smile to your face Mr. Scratchy.

Random Sunday night

What would you be willing to do for the person you loved?

Fairy tales tell us that we are suppose to either fight to the death for love, or let them go becoming a martyr for lost love.

I'm a hell of a lot more selfish then what the fairy tales tell us to be.  Personally, if someone doesn't want to be with me, I see zero reason to fight for them. At lest, I have never bothered to this point.  If a guy has cheated, that's it why would you want to fight for that?
And if a guy just doesn't want to be with me then why would I want to fight for that?

I'm watching Once Upon A Time, and one of the characters is in love with a man who picked another woman, yet she follows him like she stands a chance.  Fighting with him, for him. 
I just can't seem to get my head around that. Why would you want to torture yourself like that?

Twilight Saga,  has this offer yourself up for the one you love, and pine away when they turn you down thing going on.  Don't understand that either. 

I don't know if it's just where I've been broken hearted so often, or if it's just a case of me being me?  But as much as I would love for this whole situation to neatly turn out like it did on Sex and the City, with a big happy ending for everyone, I don't see one at the moment.

With that all said,  what would you be willing to do for the person you loved? 

Post it Oct 10th 2012

I actually made it tonight to the cinema Mr. Scratchy.
And as I sat there, watching this film that was a love story and about family; while I was sitting surrounded by a room full of couples, and families, I felt so out of place.   Alone.

I go to the cinema by myself all the time, or I should say I did until my knee injury, so I have no idea why it got to me tonight. Must have been the movie.
I'm like the only one in my family who enjoys going to movies and shopping and going for coffee alone.  The rest of the people in my family won't.  But that's something else for another time.

Tonight Herman, I just felt alone.

Anyways, I imagine you reading this tonight, dressed in something warm, those pajama bottoms and a long sleeve shirt, a mug of hot tea in hand, maybe it's Earl Grey, a stack of research to one side of your desk and a stack of art journals on the other side.  I imagine those art journals are open showing off sketches that you're in the middle of.  Maybe they are even of fellow wrestlers.  Stuff you drew while sitting around one night in the locker room or while traveling. 
I imagine you pushing up the wire rimmed glasses, your dog by your chair, and some weird Japanese rock band on in the background. That's too weird... make it some unknown punk band you were introduced to once or something.  Something that reminds you of really early Billy Idol or something.
And while I think of all that going on around you, you are reading this wondering why Herman, Mr. Scratchy, I haven't been snatched up yet by a real magazine? 
Hope I made you smile Herman.

Mindless Monday October 8th

I'm sitting here right now, blogging when I should be at the cinema.   I had asked my sister two weeks ago, when she invited my mom to Thanksgiving dinner (Canada has it a month early from the U.S.) with her and her family.   She said if they didn't have to pick up the kids she'd be able to take my crippled ass.
The kids were dropped off last night, so they did not have to pick up the kids.

I got up, got ready and waited.  And waited, and waited.  Sister wasn't answering when mom called. Fifteen minutes after the movie had started, my sister buzzed asking if mom was ready to go.

It was beyond too late to go to the movie. 

There is another showing at 4:45pm.  I'm debating on if I should bother calling a taxi and going to that one?  That, would cost me $80 total - for taxi there, the movie which is a 3D and therefore more expensive to begin with and a taxi home.

I'm sitting here now, upset, typing this thinking.  I was watching Sex and the City earlier, and watched the episode  "Secret Sex"  where this male friend of Carrie's is having a relationship with a girl he's not wanting to introduce to anyone because she's not pretty enough. 
That is how my family has made me feel my whole life.

But this whole thing today with my sister made me think of the millions of times over the years when I was growing up, of the broken promises from our dad.  So many times he would promise to take me and my friends to the mall, to the movies, swimming etc and we'd be ready to go and he'd be late.  So late to the point we'd miss the event and my friends' parents would already be back to pick them up.  And of course when dad did show up, he'd be too drunk to stand up.
My sister was not drunk, she's just a bitch.

This today, was never about the movie.  It's just a movie which will be out in 3 months on DVD.  What upset me was the broken promise. 

Relationships are only as good as the trust and honesty people are willing to put into them. Doesn't matter if they are between lovers or friends or siblings.   When you are not willing to be the person you make yourself out to be, you destroy the bonds that you might need in the future.

Love bites

I've been watching a lot of Vampire Diaries lately.  I just bought both season 1 and season 2 on DVD.
So far, the show seems to be more about family relations then it is anything else.  How the two main brothers deal with being vampires and the town they helped to found. 
Another sub-plot happens to be one character's dating a man who's exwife returns.

This whole situation has me thinking about relationships and how we define them.  I know, I've come back to this topic a few times, but it's something that is never truly black and white.

If someone is in your life for years, then disappears, either because of death, divorce or desertion, where does that leave you?
The short answer is hurt.   The long answer is so much more complicated.

Relationships, be them romantic, business or family; can turn you in knots at times.  And sometimes they leave you wondering about trust.
Other times you're just left having to clean up other people's messes.

This has all got me thinking, are we ever free of the bonds of the past, or are we doomed to keep falling into the same traps?

post-it Oct 2nd 2012

Ah, Mr. Scratchy, Herman; what ya been up to?
I've had nothing to talk about. Hence the silence on here all weekend. Next weekend is the long weekend here, Canadian Thanksgiving.  I plan to be bored.

I also plan on trying to watch at lest half of the Sex and the City marathon that is going to be on tv on the weekend.   See if I learn anything new about myself.

Okay Herman, I think you're sitting there tonight, wondering why I abandoned you, which of course I have not; dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a grey tee shirt maybe your dog is curled up beside you on the sofa, snoring and farting the way dogs do when they sleep, and I think that you've got the stereo on listening to your buddy's band.
I also believe Herman, that you either rented or bought Dark Shadows today just because you knew I'd be catching it today. Come on, admit it, you've got a crush on Johnny Depp. Everyone does, he rocks. Literally.

I have a feeling Mr. Scratchy, that things are heading for a big change in the next little while. I can't put my finger on what, just that something is up.
Maybe I'll actually find some happiness?

Anyways, Mr. S. don't forget to rinse out your tea cup otherwise they stain and you have to use steelwool to clean them.

Smiling yet?  Halloween's only a few weeks away.