Dirty Laundry 65

My phone rang. Scared the life out of me cause other than my mother, everyone else texts. So it rang, and the caller id said it was the hospital. I went to full on panic mode. Ended up being Pussycat.

Me-:"What happened?"

Pussycat-:"What. Nothing, lost my phone so stopped in here to use the phone. Oh my god, I couldn't even think where to go to find a phone anymore. They need to bring back phone booths for when stuff like this happens."

Me-:"You bastard! What do you want?"

Pussycat-:"I met a guy!"

Me-:"The guy from Valentine's?"

Pussycat-:"What? No doll, not him he's done. Done had and no repeats remember. No I mean I met a guy for you."

Me-:"I'm not interested."    as much as I love Pussycat, I'm not sure I want to trust his taste in men. Which is sad, cause if he were straight, I'd be totally after him. Yeah, dude, that's messed up I know. The irony is not totally lost on me.

Pussycat-:"You know it cost 75 cents for this call? Oh my god, I remember when it was 10 cents for local calls."

Me-:"Well, like you said no one needs phone booths anymore."

Pussycat-:"Well, they should. Make it so much easier for when you loose your phone. But, you need to meet this guy, he's perfect for you. He's a bartender..."

Me-:"I'm not interested."

Pussycat-:"Shut up and listen. He's a bartender, met him in my yoga class. Girl! The ass on him was like a big slab of butter! I wanted to cry his ass was perfect! Like that guy from that superhero movie the British guy Cubberbutt or what is his name?"

Me-:"Benedict Cumberbatch."

Pussycat-:"Yeah that guy. He's hot."

Me-:"Yes he is. His butt is little on the flat side for me but...all puns intended."

Pussycat-:"Well I think it's perfect. Anyways, he's got a beard, long dark hair..."

Me-:"I'm really not interested. No seriously, I hate long hair on men. I'm not overly thrilled with beards either." 

Pussycat-:"He's just gotten divorced..."

Me-:"I don't date divorced men either. Give up. Thanks for thinking of me, but everything you just listed, I've dated before. Like, broken my own rules gone against my gut instincts and massively regretted it; dated before. I'm grateful you thought of me when you saw him, but he's not my type in anyway."

Pussycat-:"Okay miss thang. Miss king shit. What then is your type?"

Me-:"For starters, short hair. And I mean short hair, like if it's at the collar it's too long. Clean shaven, thick thighs. Bit of a tummy, chest hair. Men who look like their age you know. I don't want to be with a guy wondering if I should be blowing him or burping him. That too smooth skinned waxing thing men do way too often is a turn off."    when guys are like walking skeletons that's a turn off too. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year, but I have this thing about being with men who's thighs are at lest as large as my own.

Pussycat-:"The Salesman had a beard."

Me-:"Not when I first met him he didn't. And he only had the beard for like a month before he shaved it off again."

Pussycat-:"Well, pretend to be interested because I gave him your number told him to text you."

Dirty Laundry 63

It's been one of those days again, where I couldn't keep up with the texting. I got a message from my cousin Walsh asking me if I was okay.

Me-:"Yeah, why?"

Walsh-:"My mom said you fell. What happened?"

Me-:"For once nothing. Wasn't me it for once. It was my sister. She was walking their dog and slipped on a patch of ice. Broke her tailbone and tore up her knee."

Walsh-:"Damn eh? She needing surgery?"

Me-:"Not sure yet. The doctors told her to come back in a couple of days when some of the swelling has gone down, cause the x-rays weren't clear."

I barely managed to sit down with my coffee when I got a text from Pussycat. 

Pussycat-:"The Salesman was asking about you!"

Me-:"Oh? When was this?"

Pussycat-:"This morning. I bumped into him at the fancy tea place in the mall."

Me-:"Yeah, I bumped into him last week too while I was there. What was he saying?"

Pussycat-:"Asked how often you go to the occult shop and when you might be there again. He's so still interested!"

Me-:"Have you ever actually seen him there? Cause I haven't. Like ever."

Pussycat-:"No haven't either."

When I had bumped into him last week, I commented on a necklace he was wearing, mentioning I'd seen something similar at the occult shop. The Salesman told me he hung out there all the time. But I've never seen him there. Nor has any of the staff mentioned seeing him. They are starting to play matchmaker, and last few times a new guy has come through the shop, they've messaged me. The Salesman has never been on their radar.

Pussycat-:"I told him you should be there on the weekend."

Me-:"What you do that for?"

Pussycat-:"Cause doll, he likes you"

Me-:"Then why not just ask me out the other day? Or ask for my number?"

Pussycat-:"No idea. But go find out."

I couldn't get the whole thing off my mind all day. I haven't thought about The Salesman in months, and suddenly he's popping up like weeds. I texted my cousin Walsh.

Me-:"Do you think I should bother with The Salesman again?"

Walsh-:"No."

Me-:"Okay, why?"

Walsh-:"Just a gut reaction."

Me-:"Can you explain that?"

Walsh-:"Not really."

Me-:"Big help thanks."

Walsh-:"You asked."

I have to admit, I need to know, when I walk into a room, the guy I'm there to see is happy I'm there. To actually see that look where I know the guy is having that butterfly moment, because he's near giddiness that I'm there.  The Salesman doesn't do that for me.

Do Tell

Pussycat-:"Our horoscope says that this is the time to tell the person we have a crush on that we have a crush on them because they have only eyes for us."

Me-:"I have a crush on you."

Pussycat-:"Doll, everyone has a crush on me. I'm just so crushable. hahaha!"

I didn't have any clients booked for tarot readings, so stayed home today. Which is fine, as the one staff I don't care for was working Pussycat's shift today.

Me-:"But you have eyes for all of your crushes?"

Pussycat-:"I have a few. Like the new guy who has been delivering the homemade olive soap to the cafe lately. Have you seen him? To die for."

Me-:"I really don't understand why the dish soap has to be organic? I mean, dude it's just soap and it's not like any of the staff are allergic to the regular stuff?"

Pussycat-:"It's locally made. Helping the community and it's green. Keep it green babes. So, you ready to face the world and slide up to your mans? Huh? Don't dream it be it doll." 

Me-:"This would imply that first off I have a crush on someone, and second that it's someone I see on a regular basis. And third, someone crushes on me.  You're really the only guy I see on a regular."

Pussycat-:"There's got to be someone?"

Me-:"Nope."

Pussycat-:"No one in your building, or at the store? What about The Salesman?"

Me-:"Over that. Nope. The only guys around here are like seventeen year olds, and gay guys. You really have a better shot in my neighbourhood than I do."

Pussycat-:"Just think, there is some guy out there right now thinking about you! Believe it doll. Everyone has a crush on someone. And somewhere there is a guy who is thinking about you with his hands down his pants."

Me-:"Somehow doubt it, but thanks for the image."

Pussycat-:"I see a tough loving tattooed bearded man."

Me-:"What do you mean tough loving?"

Pussycat-:" I dunno in my mind I see him looking at you with mad love in his eyes."

Me-:"You see me with a crazy person, good to know."

Pussycat-:"Ya. Crazy about you..."

Me-:"So what does that feel like? To have someone want you that much?"

Pussycat-:"I have no idea babe...Never had that in my life! Trust me I was almost always space filler."

Me-:"I don't believe that. You are not just filler."

Pussycat-:"I'm not the kind of guy men drool over. Or even go out of their way to be with. Just a fling or the other man...I'm the Samantha. So the Samantha."

Me-:"So you going to take your own advice on this and tell your mad crush you only have eyes for him?"

Pussycat-:"I will if you do."

Me-:"I just did, you said you knew."

Pussycat-:"hahahaha! I mean for real. Be open then to hearing someone tell you they have a crush on you."

Dirty Laundry 60

I got a text from Pussycat this morning letting me know I'm booked for readings tomorrow at the cafe.

Me-:"Cool. Am I scary? I know I'm not pretty, but am I scary? I was on my way to the store and this car was chugging along beside me, plenty of room for him to get around but, when I looked, he sped off like the devil was in his pants."

Pussycat-:" No doll not scary. Maybe he was just being creepy and when you noticed he freaked?"

Me-:"He was staring...it almost looked like the Salesman. But not too sure."

Pussycat-:"I tagged you on the thing for tomorrow. Waaa? Oh nice. Did you see the post, I can't find it anymore?"

Me-:"No."

Pussycat-:"Reposted, my phone has been doing strange things."

Me-:"Mercury went retrograde."

Pussycat-:"Ahhh. That explains a lot. He was just probably freaked because you caught him looking. Maybe it was the Salesman and he was checking you out?"

Me-:"Then why not say hey?"

Pussycat-:"Maybe because he's a creeper? But doll you're not scary. You could use some more make-up once and a while but not scary. You're a wickedly wonderful witch! Not a pilgrim."

Dirty Laundry 58

You know how they say when it rains it pours. Okay, so my normally hermit life was uncharacteristically busy today.  Started with a text from my cousin Walsh. "Did you tape the show?"

Me-:"Which show?"

Walsh-:"The one on yesterday morning."

Me-:"Dude, there were like five different wrestling shows on yesterday, which one?"

Walsh-:"The New Company. Did you tape it?"

Me-:"Yeah, why?"

Walsh-:"Do you still have it in the machine?"

Me-:"So far."

Walsh-:"Okay put on New Favourite's match...tell me something, his tights why do I think I've seen that design before?"

I got a message from Pussycat interrupting me for a few minutes. "So how did it go with The Salesman?"

Me to Pussycat-:"It didn't."

Pussycat-:"What!!!!!"

Me to Pussycat-:"It didn't."

Me to Walsh-:"Have you been to the New Company's website yet? His tights look a lot like their background design."

Pussycat-:"Tell me everything that happened blow by blow, and I mean it!"

Walsh-:"hahahahahahaha! What a dork."

Me to Walsh-:"You asked."

Me to Pussycat-:"I went there, asked him and..."   another texted came in from one of the girls that works at the occult shop here in town.

Keira-:"Hey, how's your weekend? Little bird told me you had a date. How'd it go?"

Me to Keira-:"No, bird lied."

Keira-:"Oh? What happened?"

Me to Pussycat-:"Um, you've been talking to Keira today?"

Me to Keira-:"I went to see The Salesman, asked him for coffee he spent ten minutes telling me why he couldn't then turned around and said he'd love to sometime."

Keira-:"WTF?"

Me to Keira-:"I know right?"

Pussycat-:"Um maybe. So what happened?"

Me to Pussycat-:"I went to see him, he was his normal flirty self, I asked him for coffee, he got weird said no then said sure. I have no idea if that was a rejection or not?"

Pussycat-:"Or not lol. But you went for it. That's fab. Now you can stop wondering and move on. It is perfect doll."

Okay so for the past year, this one guy who works at one of my favourite stores here in town, has been overly flirty. There have even been times he's pushed his coworkers out of the way to be the one to help me. I for once, did not think on it, assuming he was flirting to sell more crap. One of the times I went there with Pussycat, he was not working so we started chatting with one of the coworkers and found out, they do not get paid on commission. It's minimum wage.There was no reason for him to be jumping over them to get to me. The next time I went in and The Salesman was working, Pussycat was with me again, and The Salesman made it a point to come over to where we were and just say hi. That was a few months ago. As I said, this has been going on for just over a year. The last few times, his coworkers have just wandered off leaving us alone in the store. We've talked about a bunch of random crap, he once even started to fix displays that didn't need to be fixed just as an excuse to continue the conversation. Pussycat convinced me it was time to ask The Salesman out.  As I said, it did not go smooth.
The Salesman looked at me, took a deep breath and told me he doesn't date anymore. Then went into this ten minute speech telling me that he's been bleed dry by women, loosing everything from his house to his friends to his job to his money; all the while getting angrier as he did. Then turned his shoulder towards me telling me he'd love to hang out at the coffee shop next to the store sometime and have coffee with me.

So here I am, confused as to if I should be insulted or not and wondering why he would say no if he seems to be interested?

I got a texted then from one of the other girls who works at the occult shop, Janny, "Hey, how'd it go with the guy?"

Me to Janny-:"Well not good."

Janny-:"Keira was just telling me. I walked in when she was reading your last text. Screw him."

Me-:"Obviously that's not going to happen."

Janny-:"hahaha! Okay right. Look at it this way, you have to wonder what kind of a guy he is if he's claiming that he always attracts the same type of woman? It can't be all the woman's fault? You don't need that anyways.Look at it this way, you did him a favour."

Me-:"How?"

Janny-:"Betting he has been bottling it up and needed to tell someone. If he found you comforting enough to explode on you then you triggered something in him."

I laughed for a bit on that one. 

Walsh-:"There's nothing fresh there."

I was lost for a few minutes on that, as my head was spinning from the other messages.Then I realized he was talking about the wrestling website. "Yeah, I noticed. Too bad too, would like to see some pics of the Manager."

Walsh-:"So, what's up?"

Me-:"Oh my god its like telegram, telephone, telea-drag queen. And you can read about it in a few minutes."

Walsh-:"Whatever he's told you to do, do the opposite."

Me-:"Too late. Seriously, this mess is blog worthy."