Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Life online

"You really need to get on twitter."  my aunt said to me when she dropped by this afternoon. "It'll change your life."

Me-:"I have twitter."

Aunt-:"Oh, when did you start? I'll follow you." she started to flip through her phone.

Me-:"A billion years ago when it was first invented. I stopped using it when it became the evil soul sucking plot to take over the universe that it has become. So...haven't used it in about three years."

Aunt-:"How can you not use twitter? It's like facebook, connect you to the world."

Me-:"I haven't used facebook in about five years either, since it became the evil soul sucking plot to take over the universe."

She raised an eyebrow at me laughing. "He just became one of my friends. Here look." she showed me her phone, pointing to some dude on facebook. I had no idea who he was. She elbowed me, not realizing about my ribs, and laughed. "He's cute eh? I watch him all the time." I still had no idea who he was, but I had to agree, he was cute. Dark hair, little on the thin side for my taste though. She nudged me again scrolling through some photos she had in her phone. "He hangs out at the cafe most days, at lest he's been there the last few at lunch. You should come by there, meet him." My aunt had about ten photos of this guy.

Me-:"Who is he?"

She laughed again, wide eyed. "Oh come on! Seriously? He's from the local news."  That would explain why I had no idea who the hell he was, I never watch it. Don't listen to the local radio or read the local newspapers either. "You should start up on twitter and facebook again, follow this guy, friend him or something. He's really funny, sweet guy. Nice to look at eh? And if nothing else..." she shrugged with a big grin on her face. "...little flirting never hurt anyone."

Basically, my aunt just told me I should stalk the local reporter.

Monday, April 28, 2014

post it Monday 28th 2014

I'd like to believe that you still read these Mr. Scratchy, so here goes...

I imagine you checking in tonight, a drink in hand, whiskey I think. Dressed in grey pajama bottoms...actually I think they are sweat pants, grey sweat pants, a hoodie thrown over for the moment, in dark blue, having just washed your hair. I imagine you are restless right now. Having worked tonight, and unable to get to the gym for any kind of late workout, maybe in a place that you don't feel comfortable taking a night run. I imagine you reading this, downing your drink, pouring another one, and thinking "at lest you didn't smash into any big moose the other day".  And now I think you're laughing, spilling your drink on yourself.
I imagine Herman, that you might even be listening to your latest playlist which now includes "Put your head on my shoulder", "I put a spell on you" and "Johnny Angel".

So here's the thing, from about 9:12 pm EST tonight, my ear started to burn, up until the Pack did their live promo at about 10:50pm. And it's started back up again with the burning in the last five minutes. (11:50pm EST)
I'm hoping it's all good stuff.

Anyways... tell the Pack I loved their live promo tonight. All shadows and walls.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Sunday April 27th 2014

I caught up with Friday's wrestling middle of the day yesterday, while my cousin Mavis was still here. We were watching the one segment where the Pack beat up Dimmer.  Mavis, thought it was the funniest thing she's seen in forever, and was doing that fake laugh kids do. Anyways, she pointed to the screen at one point and said "he's like a dog."  Referring to Mad Hatter's actions/grunts. 
I thought this was ironic, given she had no idea what they are called.  The cute of it all was Mavis had grabbed the remote for the dvr and rewound the skit like four times just to see Dimmer standing there for the thirty seconds before getting beat up.  She's eight and starting to notice boys. Oh yeah, she's related to me alright.

When the company finally puts Dimmer into a proper spotlight, he's going to be magazine/movie gold. If he's not a "face" of the company in the next five years, they will loose out big time.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday afternoon

The buzzer went just after 4pm. My cousins Walsh and Mavis were standing there, holding Mavis's overnight bag and a giant stuffed animal.

Me-:"Aren't you like four hours early?"

Mavis-:"Mom had a meeting right after school and daddy had to go to work."  she tossed everything at me, sticking her foot up for Walsh to help her with her winter boots.

Walsh-:"Come outside, I need a smoke."

Me-:"I'm in my pajamas bud." 

He shrugged. "Throw your coat on, no one will notice."   We went and hovered just outside the door of the building. "Okay, you need to get your ass up the other side of town tomorrow, cause you need to be at the cafe."

Me-:"Um no. Why?"

Walsh-:"I have no idea, that's what my step-mom's friend told me to tell you. She said she couldn't find your email to tell you herself. She's got something happening there tomorrow afternoon, that she seems to think you need to be interested in."  he blew smoke at me.

Me-:"Sounds like trouble. I don't think it's going to happen."

Walsh-:"Why?" he pushed my shoulder causing me to scream.

Me-:"Cause dumbass, my ribs still aren't better yet and a two hour bus ride is completely out of the question. All that being tossed around would kill me."

He made a sound, blushed for the punch and mumbled he was sorry. "Speaking of the story..."

Me-:"Change the topic go ahead."

Walsh-:"Did I miss a piece? I got totally lost with the whole corduroy thing."

Me-:"Uh, no. While back I had been watching wrestling, thinking that Werewolf King never looks bad. Like, it's not humanly possible for the boy to have a bad hair day or something, so I sat down and wrote that one part of the story with the intention of making the character based on him just look like crap."

Walsh-:"Okay sure." he yawned. "And?"

Me-:"I don't think that even I could create an outfit to make him look bad, even on paper."

He laughed stubbing out his cigarette butt. "Lest you tried." he laughed at me some more then pointed at me. "That explains the website."

Me-:"What website?"

Walsh-:"Go to company #1, they had it on the front page this morning. Thing about clothes."

Me-:"Can you vague that up for me there, don't think you were cryptic enough." I turned heading back into the building.

Walsh-:"I could, but that would mean trying and thinking. I'm too tried to think."

Me-:"Story of your life." I turned then just as we were walking into mom's apartment. "So, I'm guessing those two buddies of yours that went to Toronto are grabbing a beer and dinner before going to the wrestling tonight." 

He shrugged again. "I should have told him to get you Mad Hatter's autograph." he elbowed me causing another ripple of pain through my ribs. "Sorry, forgot."

Post it note Morning 25th

Dear Herman:

It's cloudy, foggy, and when the cars go by the window I can hear the sloshiness of the half snow-half rain under the tires. If it wasn't for the fact it's freezing rain, it would be a perfect morning in my mind.
How's it where you are?

It's been a couple of days, and I still have that old song "Johnny Angel" stuck in my head. I give up, it's there, seems like it's staying.

I imagine you this morning, checking in, dressed in something warm. I believe you are sitting in an air conditioned building, feeling it. Needing an extra sweater, long pants, and that toque. That dog I think you have, it's with you today. I imagine you sitting there today, alone, needing a friend so therefore, your dog is with you today.

And I think you're being haunted by moose. Everywhere you look today, images of moose are popping up, forcing you to think of me.

Smile, everything is better with maple syrup.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

City stains

The city I live in thinks it's better then it really is. We are listed as the "next biggest city outside of Toronto" heading west.  If this is true or not, no one cares. My city is known for the fact it has a high number of medical programs and turns out a high rate of doctors/nurses. Any other city would find this a really respectable thing. Not here.
Here, the need for an admittance like this is left with the fact this city has an extremely high number of handicapped. From physical disabilities to mental disabilities, the city I live in is a toilet.
We were two cities that blended together. In theory. In reality, we are two different small dots on the map that had it's divide line removed and christened with one title.  That was almost fifty years ago. But it has never gotten into the system of the population living on either the south side or the north side of this city.
I do my best to enter the north side as little as possible. I live on the south side of the city, and tend to get agitated when I hear about all the money being sunk into the north side on a constant, while the south side of town is left to wallow in it's own shit.

I'm here because I seem to have gotten stuck here. This city is like a black hole of despair and mindless drugs. You don't have to be a pot smoker here to be constantly exposed to it. The haze that hangs low around the horizon here, is not mist or fog but pot smoke.
Every time I try to break free of this city, it reaches out with a large 2x4 and breaks my legs, sending me to the hospital where the cycle of soul sucking vengeance and despair starts all over again.

The city I live in thinks it's better then it really is. The only people here with any real brains or personality are the ones who are passing through for university. They stay three years and run as fast as their third-hand cars can go. And they go anywhere that's not here. They go to a real city that has a real purpose.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

That's bold

"What are you looking for?" my aunt's friend asked me. I had bumped into them coming out of Starbucks, as I was going into the pharmacy. We got talking, and grabbed a coffee. The conversation managed to get back around to relationships, I know shocker right; and the Soulmate Secret. As this is the lady who is following the book/website and wanted to share how things were going for her.

Me-:"You mean personality or looks or situation or what?"

Aunt's Friend-:"Everything." she shrugged gesturing around the room.

Me-:"A guy who has the same sense of humour as I do. A guy who's loyal, honest." I shrugged. "Trustworthy, likes some of the same stuff as I do. Single, straight, communicates easily and honestly."
My aunt laughed at me when I had mentioned the guy needs to be straight. "Seriously, former friend of mine, she managed to do something like this, bring her soulmate into her life, and everything was perfect except that he was gay. They were best friends for years, but it just didn't work romantically."

AF-:"I read something along that line too. About making sure you really get details when you imagine your ideal lover."

Me-:"So how's it been working for you?"

She sat up a bit straighter and smiled. "I've met some guys, all have their own businesses, which is something I am looking for. A guy who is financially stable. But no one who really feels like he's the right one for me. Yet." she reached into her bag and pulled out another book showing it to me. "Have you read this one by the same author?"  It was Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Lover by Arielle Ford. I nodded.

Me-:"I've had that for a few years."

AF-:"I love the section on dreams. The stories of getting clues and images of your soulmate in dreams. If my dreams are anything to go by, then my soulmate isn't that far away. I keep seeing summertime in my dreams. I'm always meeting him by the water in summer. Never see his face though."

Me-:"I know right." I finished off my coffee. "I have been dreaming of some guy who's face I never see. Been having the same dream for the last few years. Always one thing I remember, he's way taller then me, cause I only seem to be eye level with his shoulder, and it's always a blue denim shirt. One of those button up style, and he has it rolled up to the elbow. I never remember any other detail of the dream, just that when I meet this guy, he's going to have that shirt on."

Aunt-:"I have a few exercises for remembering things. I'll find my notes and copy them out for you. Maybe you can learn to make yourself remember more of the dreams."

And then I stopped paying attention for a moment because the song Johnny Angel came on over the speakers. I don't know what the next sentence out of my aunt's mouth was because I was listening to the song, totally caught off guard.  My aunt finished off her drink and grabbed her purse, saying something about how they were going to be late for something, and then they started to get up to leave. Meanwhile, I was still reeling from the song, of which I have not been able to get out of my head for the last few hours.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

post it note 22 april

Dear Herman:

I imagine you checking in, after a long day at work. I imagine you tired, consuming about two bottles of water before coming up for air, your buddy Igor throwing things at you like dirty clothes and cookie crumbs. I imagine you feeling the weight of the world right now.

I want to ask you what you did to your back? I have no idea why, but I think you are standing there holding the right side of your body/middle of your back. And I think your buddy screwed up his hip. I know, I'm so cheery tonight.

I've often wondered how you started reading me? Was it random, like were you googling stuff and found me? Or did a buddy point out my writing? 
There's just something about the idea of being a fan of someone who's been a fan of me.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy, we have to give Igor a last name now.  Has to be something to keep with the Hallowe'en theme.  I'll figure something out I'm sure.

Anyways, back to the basics...I imagine you checking in tonight dressed in black track pants, a black shirt and dark blue sweater. Not a hoodie, but a pullover sweater, with the left cuff totally ripped and frayed. And I think there is a stain on it near the stomach area because you spilled dinner on it. I think you are reading me as you grab yourself a very large cup of coffee, travel mug of coffee as you head out for the airport or car or what have you.

And on that note Mr. Scratchy...big moose!

Hotels and hauntings

One of my uncles, phoned me and asked if I could book a hotel for him online, as he's got no clue how to do all that.  It took nearly two hours to finally find what he was looking for price wise and for the dates he wanted.
Proceed to remind me I haven't been on a trip myself in almost four years. Stressfully sad.
Anyways, while I was doing this hotel hunt for uncle, I think I scared the hell out of him when I screamed, as he was still on the phone. Well, swore and screamed actually.  In the middle of the search, I hit the refresh button for the hotel packages, which brought up an advertisement for company #1. And the Pack was front and center in the ad.

Dude, why is it whenever I'm doing something else in life, Mad Hatter pops up like a dirty dime?

I could understand if I was on a wrestling site or something, but general life?  This has been happening a lot in the last few months. He's everywhere.

So why does life haunt us with certain things/people?  There are lessons to learn in every thing when it repeats in your life, it's just a matter of figuring out what that message is?  There is a city that haunted me for years, still to this day, every time I end up liking a band or actor (and half my favourite wrestlers for that matter), they end up being from Detroit.

The Knight of Cups and Page of Cups, constantly show up in tarot readings, driving me insane. And I've looked at them from every possible angle and still have no idea what the lesson is there that they are trying to tell me?

I've already mentioned the Johnathan syndrome... 

So, why then am I being haunted when I lest expect it by images of Mad Hatter?   I don't get haunted by images of The Celebrity, or The Other Guy, or any other wrestler for that matter. This has gone beyond simple popularity, or even a cosmic joke for that matter.

What the hell is the real lesson here?

Monday, April 21, 2014

Monday night 21st april

Dear Herman:

I imagine you checking in tonight Mr. Scratchy, I'm sure laughing at me for my last post. I imagine you tonight, maybe with a headache, having a drink, whiskey, thinking about the colour blue. I have no idea why, maybe you just bought a new shirt or something in blue, or paint for a painting that I think you might be working on, or something. Maybe the walls of the room you're sitting in is blue...but anyways...

I imagine you having bought a deck of tarot cards. I think because recently, you're starting to pay attention to things that repeat around you. Maybe some of my strange is sticking to your brain?  And I think, while shuffling that tarot deck, the Three of Swords and the Page of Cups have fallen out on you a lot.  Which would be messages, break-ups, grief and creativity.

I imagine your buddy, Igor, sitting there in the room with you, playing a video game. Asking you why your mouth just dropped open and you're catching flies?  I imagine you just going "um....the girl."


snap crack and ow

"What's wrong with you?"  my sister asked she watched me move across the kitchen in slow motion.

Me-:"I cracked a rib."

She screwed up her face, and laughed. "Oh my god. Doing what?"

Me-:"Mom asked me to move a box for her, and I went to lift it and turned at the same time. Heard a snap and then couldn't breath for a few minutes. I'm can't blow my nose, afraid to sneeze or cough."

Sister-:"What happens if you get the hic-ups?"

Me-:"Don't even think it."

She shook her head laughing some more. "Oh my god! I came here to get away from all the whimpering and bitching." she flicked her hair out of her face. "Husband is acting like an overgrown baby with his bad foot, bad knee, stomach issues, mom is constantly bitching about everything, crying over nothing and now you. I can't get away from it."

Me-:"Well that's life for you. Did you need something?"

Sister-:"No, just...needed to get out of the house and everything is closed today and my friends are all busy doing stuff with their families so...but now I'm thinking I should have just stayed home." she pointed at me.

Me-:"So nothing's wrong?"

She shrugged. "No more then usual." she started to dig through my movies and books looking bored. "Buy anything new?" she made a face as she held up a dvd. "I'm borrowing this one."

Me-:"That's all I'm good for isn't it?"

Sister-:"Yeah. You have the sequel to this?"

Me-:"No actually, I don't." I shuffled back to finish making my tea. "That all? You just wanted to borrow a movie?"

She shrugged again. "The kids are driving me nuts. The pets are driving me nuts. Husband is driving me nuts."

Me-:"So you talked to mom today then?" 

She grunted. "She has to learn, we're not her. I know she talked to grandma everyday before she moved in with us, but I work. I have a life. I can't be on the phone with her everyday, it's not practical."

Me-:"Well, that's an issue you two have to deal with. Not really my problem. I do either call her or see her everyday so..."

She glared at me, told me she didn't want to talk about it and got up to leave. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Tears and chocolate eggs

It's the anniversary of my grandmother's death, which made it a really rough day for mom. The buzzer rang a while ago, it was Mavis. Walsh had taken her and his kids to the Easter egg hunt at the mall.  Mavis ran in, gave my mom a big hug and handed her a card and one small chocolate egg.

Mavis-:"I found forty!" she held up her hands flashing ten four times. "And that one was the only pink one, all the others were blue and gold, so I thought I'd give you that one pink one." she marched to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water, turning to me and telling me to get off the sofa so they could sit down. Then seemed to change her mind, and asked my mom very politely if she could have some tea?

Mom-:"You don't drink tea."

Mavis-:"Yes I do! I have tea all the time when we go to the cafe, and when I go to my friend Kayla's because her mom has a whole shelf of different teas that she gets in the mail, and now I drink tea. But only not the green kind cause I don't like that kind."

I got up and started to make them their tea, Mavis right behind me, telling me which mugs they wanted to use and how many of them were having sugar and how many were having milk and looking for plates that they could use for saucers. 
Mom asked them how their day went and what else they had done today, when Walsh's oldest commented that she had entered a contest to have lunch with some hockey player. Walsh grunted as he then checked his phone for a text, which there was none.

Walsh-:"And now she's got me checking every ten minutes to see if she won. Cause they notify you by text eh?"

Oldest kid-:"And when I win, I'm going to have a steak and lobster."

Me-:"So are you more interested in meeting the hockey player or just going to a fancy restaurant?"

Oldest kid-:"Uh...meeting the hockey player!" she blushed pulling her hair down over her face giggling. "Wouldn't you?"

Mom-:"She'd would if it was a wrestler."

I nodded to that one as I poured their tea, placing it on the biggest serving tray mom had that normally gets used for turkey, along with an extra cup for the milk so that Mavis could serve everyone.

Mavis-:"I know which one too!" she started to hand everyone their spoon and a napkin. "You would want to win a lunch with the one from the three that dressed all in black right? The one that we were watching that day before when I was here, not the one I said I liked his hair cause I said only I could like him, but the other one." she smiled wide as she began to ask everyone if they wanted milk? 

I shook my head telling her she was wrong. Mavis looked at me like I'd created the biggest puzzle on the planet. "I think, I'd like to have lunch with Dimmer. Well, maybe more like coffee."

Mavis's mouth dropped open, as she tried to get everyone laughing. Then she stopped, made a face as if she was thinking about something, and opened her mouth wide again. "Oh, I know him!" she started to dance up and down in place. "He's the one from before on the computer who was being silly and looking around at the wall behind him right? I'm right right?" she started to flick her hair out of her face as she sat down then with her tea trying not to spill it everywhere. "If you were to win coffee with him, can I come?"

Walsh was laughing to the point he was snorting and his face was red. "That's your fault."

Me-:"What did I do?"

Walsh-:"You let her watch wrestling to begin with."

Me-:"I wasn't the one who started talking about winning stuff, your daughter was. How'd I get in trouble? I'm not the one who's entering contests."

He took a sip of his tea. "I'm actually surprised you said Dimmer and not Mad Hatter or Rebel without a Cause."  

I shrugged. "Seriously, given how funny Dimmer's character is on some of those old promos, if he's even half that funny in real life, he's the type of guy I'd like to hang out with."

Oldest kid-:"Well, when I have my lunch with the hockey player, then I'm going to hang out with him at lest once a week."

My mom scoffed, making a noise, then told the kid she was being ridiculous. "You're not going to win anything."

Oldest kid-:"I will win! I entered five times."

Mom shook her head making a face telling her again that she didn't stand a chance, and to stop being foolish.  It was all the kid could do not to cry, she sort of sunk down in her chair, combing her hair over her eyes with her hand.  That's been my mother's attitude on everything for as long as I have been alive.

Walsh-:"Well, if you don't win this time, there will always be another contest."  I agreed with him, knowing just how the kid was feeling.

What did the show teach you?

I was watching a few episodes of Kitchen Nightmares, and one of the main problems the people on the show always seem to have is a lack of communication. Almost all the episodes have couples running their restaurants who's marriages are in more trouble then the restaurants.
We see Gordon Ramsay playing marriage counselor more then anything else 90% of the time.

This had me thinking about the way I grew up, and the lack of communication that seemed to flood my family.
The only two marriages in my family that really really make me believe in fairy tale love, was my grandparents (mom's parents) and Walsh and his wife.  And I can state with all certainty, it's because they always talked through everything.
Our grandparents were married for almost 45 years, until my grandfather's death. And our grandmother never remarried. (she died in 1999)

With all the ways there are in this day and age to communicate, why is it that most of us just don't seem to?

On a day like this, I just can't help but wonder...when did we become so deaf?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

snow day

"Got to love the snow." my cousin Walsh said when I opened the door to see him standing there with the kids.

Me-:"Okay, understand that you're off work cause of the weather, but what's the kids doing here?"

Walsh-:"Long weekend. They have today off as well for Easter."

Me-:"Well, isn't that special."

He glared at me. "Hey, just cause you don't like the holiday..."

Me-:"Never said that. I mean chocolate is always good. So why you here?"

He shrugged. "I was taking them to my mom's for the afternoon, but there isn't any answer. Guess she went out and forgot to tell us. And the pool is closed until after 3pm today. So, we're just hanging around this area for a bit."

I started to make tea trying to ignore the fact the kids were there. I had a round of 'don't touch that!' for the next few minutes to the point the kids started touching everything and asking if they could touch stuff. They thought it was funny as hell, and I just wanted to throw them out the building.  I would make a horrible mom.

Me-:"You brought them here just to drive me crazy didn't you?"

Walsh-:"Of course." he laughed. "When you did that dinner thing, did you come across any Alice in Wonderland stuff?  The kids want to have a spring tea, if the weather gets better next week."  I shook my head telling him no, then stopped.

Me-:"I didn't find any, but there was this one party planner, like this lady who does it for a living, online that had done that theme." I handed him a cup of tea, and found the link to the website. "What else is new?"

Walsh-:"Have you been to the cafe yet?"  he was referring to one of his step-mom's new business ventures. I said no not yet. "You need to go next week when the weather gets better." he just sat there with a look on his face.

Me-:"Okay why?"

Walsh-:"They are hosting a poetry night. Thought that might be up your alley."

Me-:"Twenty years ago yeah, not so much now."   The youngest started to whine asking if they could go to grandma's yet? 

Walsh-:"Can I finish my tea please?"

Youngest Kid-:"But it's boring here and there's nothing to play with."

Walsh-:"Don't be rude!" he put his cup down and got comfortable just to make a point. "So have they returned to you yet?"  referring to my eight missing regular readers.

Me-:"It looks like one has. But the rest are missing in action."

Walsh-:"Well, Mad Hatter is the only one you need anyways."

Me-:"It's not Mr. Scratchy." I took a large gulp of my way too hot tea nearly choking on it. "I actually think it's Rebel without a Cause."

He looked at me and grunted. "Huh. Well thats...not...maybe? Don't worry, Mad Hatter will come back. They all will."

I shook my head again, yelling once more at the kids to not touch stuff. "I don't know man. Last year this time, they disappeared for a few days, this is two weeks straight. Bit over much time wise. I have no idea what I said to make everyone bail."

Walsh screwed up his face as he closed his eyes leaning back on the sofa. "You didn't do anything. Stop blaming yourself for other people's actions. Just keep believing in him."

Me-:"You make it sound so simple. You've been hanging out with your step-mom too much."

Walsh-:"It is that simple. You over think things way too much. Relax, enjoy, and just stop watching the pot. A watched pot never boils." he grabbed his tea drinking half of it in one swallow. "Okay, I guess we'd better go before those two monsters break something."

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Post it note 15th April 2014

Dear Herman:

Thought I would come in and just ask how are you doing? 

I've commented before how I started doing these few years back as gratitude notes for things still to come into my life. Well, I thought I would try doing that again properly.

I'm grateful for the nights we sit together watching the neighbourhood. I'm grateful for the evenings we spend curled up together watching our favourite shows.
I'm thankful for the way you always remember to take out the trash even in the coldness of winter. I'm thankful for the fact you read out loud to me even when you know the item is just something you want to share and I have no interest in.
I'm in love with the way you dance in the grocery when we're shopping and you hear a song come over the sound system that you love. I'm in love with the fact you start and end each day with a hug and kiss.

To you, Herman, for all that you are, will be and have been.

Hide your heart

I was reading an article this morning, about how when we're emotionally hurt, our hearts create this magnetic energy around it. The author of the article was referring to it as a wall. They went on to talk about how when we really fall for someone, when we think about them enough, not just in our brains, but really feel the love/lust/desire for them, their brains will actually react to it having them think of us.

In magical terms, this is a thoughtform.  In science this is a magnetic pull. And according to the relationship experts, this is the soulmate connection we keep hearing about. The connection over 95% of the world's population is hunting for.

While I was wrapping up the article, a line from the 2007 movie version of Mansfield Park started to play in my mind.  Two of the characters are talking about the youngest available sister and say "She is quite ready to be fallen in love with."
I just couldn't get this line out of my head this morning. But it got me thinking about unrequited love. Which is one of the main themes running through the story.  They did not say that she's ready to fall in love, but that she's ready to be fallen in love with. 

How many of us, when speaking about a relationship or dating, say we're ready to find someone, or ready to fall in love?  Shouldn't we be reversing that phrase and saying we're ready to have someone find us, to be fallen in love with? 

Everyone has at some point, had their heartbroken, and yet no matter what, we're told to keep looking. And in the end, we all know that you need to stand still deal with the hurt and when you're really ready, someone pops out of the woodwork and finds you.

Just something to think about this morning.

Monday, April 14, 2014

11:27 pm

Dear Herman:

Was watching tonight's wrestling, and thought it a little odd to hear the announcers talking about astrology. Just didn't fit. Wouldn't it have made more sense for them to have mentioned the astrology stuff during the Pack's match? Moons, fanged creatures, etc.

But anyways... glad to see Dimmer had a few minutes air time. He looked good.

Speaking of Werewolf King, Rebel without a Cause and Mad Hatter...dude, they looked like they were going to vomit on everyone. Let me once again ask, does Rebel without a Cause have any bones unbroken in his neck and shoulders? That one landing was earth shattering.

Well, I imagine you checking in tonight, sore, tired and...I don't know. Eating potato salad in one of those plastic take away containers. Dressed in...boxers, blue boxers.

Dream of sunflowers and icicles.

Wrap your tongue around that

It's not a secret that I am a fan of Anthony Bourdain.  He's one of those guys who you have to be in awe of just because you're left asking at times "how did he just get away with saying that?"

And that's a quality I'm looking for in the right guy. Herman, you still with me?  Yeah, I think you're still with me.
A man who has that gonzo ability with his vocals.  Mad Hatter falls under that category, as does The Celebrity. If Rebel without a Cause really learns that trait, dude I'll be in trouble.

I'm watching the show No Reservations, and it's the "Food Porn" episode.  And nearly every segment, has left me asking "how did he get away with that comment?"  The whole connection between food and lust/sex makes you wonder why anyone would not want to be married to a chef?

I think that would be my perfect man...a wrestler who cooks and could be an understudy for Hunter S. Thompson. Which, I think I've hinted at before.

Sunday, April 13, 2014


"Who is she talking to?"  Walsh asked. My cousin dropped the dvds off he had borrowed the other day.

Me-:"Weekly call to aunt E. They've been on the phone for two hours."

Walsh-:"No one in the family knows how to use an inside voice do they?"  I shook my head no. "I could hear her all the way in the hall, before you even opened the door."

Me-:"Welcome to my world." I held up the dvds. "You didn't let the kids get their dirty sticky hands on them did you?"

Walsh-:"Yeah, let them use them as plates."

Me-:"Not funny."

Walsh-:"Okay, coffee please! I'm avoiding going home yet again."   he took off his shoes and came into the kitchen.

Me-:"What's going on?"

Walsh-:"Oh nothing. Just, my sister is home tonight, suppose to be spending some time with her daughter, but you know she was barely in the house when her latest boyfriend..."  he air quoted the last word. "...showed up with a case of beer. I told him he could stay but the beer had to be left outside."

Me-:"And how did that go?"

Walsh-:"When I left, everyone was outside. I don't want to even think about going home till after my wife gets home and has dealt with the kids."

Me-:"You are such a chicken."

Walsh-:"Yes, but I'll be alive in the morning." he started laughing at me as I opened the new coffee and just sniffed. "Are you okay?"

Me-:"One of my favourite scents. New fresh coffee."

Walsh-:"Gotcha. So, I was standing around your building ringing your doorbell for ten minutes, and your neighbour, said he'd seen you leaving few hours ago."

Me-:"Which one?"

Walsh-:"Dude across the hall, with the beard."

I stood there like a moron for a few minutes. "Um...yeah, I have no idea what his name is. I think he's the boyfriend of the lady who moved in there."

Walsh-:"You live in a building that has four apartments, how do you not know your neighbours?"

Me-:"No one stays. There is no point to getting to know anyone."

He grunted as he started searching the kitchen. "So I'm suppose to ask you, who's the new guy?"

Me-:"What new guy?"

Walsh-:"Wife said she was reading this morning and you said something about a new guy."

Me-:"No new guy...yet. Good to know someone is hopeful there's going to be a new guy."

He looked at me sideways, grabbing my computer and pulling up the blog. "Right here. Who's Igor?"

Me-:"I have no bloody clue. "

Walsh-:"Then why did you mention him?"

Me-:"Long story. All I know, is that eight of my regular readers have not checked in in over a week. Eight of them. Which means they are all in the wrestling industry. But, I figure that there has to be someone, either Herman or one of his buddies that is into witch stuff. Either Wiccan, or Pagan or something. Otherwise, he would have stopped reading me years ago. So, either Herman believes the same way I do, or someone around him does. And maybe, if that's the case, maybe Herman is suppose to introduce me to his buddy, Igor..."

Walsh-:"So you don't think Herman is your soulmate anymore?"

Me-:"Oh, no I do. Herman is Mr. Scratchy. But, what if Mr. Scratchy isn't who I'm suppose to be hanging out with right now?"  I heard mom hang up the phone and turn the tv on. "Okay, shut up now. Time for The Good Wife."

Post it note April 13th 2014

Dear Herman:

Today's horoscope, said "do not hold back affections from someone who has hurt your feelings."
Given there is no one in my life to hold back affections from, my thought was to come in and give you a post it note. Someone is still reading these, even Herman if it's no longer you at the moment. So that tells me they are not in vain. 

Bad weather here again, dark cloudy, fog and misty rain. Just the way I like it. Chilly without being overly cold.

I imagine today Herman, that you are checking in after a session at the gym. I think something has happened in your real life in the last few days that has you pulling away from even your best buddies, and you're genuinely sad.  No I have no idea where this feeling/thought came from, but when has that ever stopped me from throwing it in one of these.
So I think you are still dressed in your workout gear, hair a mess, maybe not yet shaved today. I think your favourite playlist died in the middle of your workout. Which, made you wonder if it's time to replace the little machine cause you just loaded the battery few hours ago. 

An emotional salad. I think that's where you are at. Too many things coming in around you right now, leaving you feeling torn and spun. That would be the planets signaling the end of a seven year cycle and the start of a new one.

And Herman, doesn't matter if you believe me when I talk like this; there is at lest one of your buddies that does. Let's call him Igor.  Maybe Herman, you're suppose to introduce us?

Smile...time to watch old Trent Acid videos.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Post it note 12th april

Dear Herman:

I imagine you and your buddies still checking in to my stuff, so here goes.

I imagine you checking in tonight, hat on, cable knit style sweater, in grey of course, dark jeans on. An extra large coffee in hand, listening to music. I imagine you swinging a keychain around, just for the jingling sound. You're wondering what's up with the fairy tale? Well, I've hit another wall...for the moment anyways. I just can't get the image of those two characters out of my head, constantly arguing but in a flirty way. If only real life could be as simple. Maybe not as violent, but as obvious.

And I think your one buddy is leaning over your shoulder right now, reading, a raised eyebrow as he laughs. And I think he's dressed in jeans that have a honking tear in them around the knee area, a faded t-shirt from some band from like the 1970's, and is chewing on gum like a cow. Or you know...big moose.

Big moose. Catch phrase of the week. Big moose.

Smile...cause I asked you to. Both of you.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Numb at heart

So according to this planetary-numerology thingie I had done today at the psychic fair- yes, I went back and tried again- because of Venus being retrograde at the time of my birth and Pluto being in some pinball like square with Uranus and Venus, I'm destined to be alone. Add to this, that Mars and Neptune are in opposition, and my 5th cusp is in Aquarius, I have a very strong male energy.

Gee, I could have told you all that.

This thing also tells me that not only will long term relationships be impossible to find, I'm suppose to be a teacher.

What the hell? Did my mother pay the dude off to tell me this? Her dream was for me to be a teacher and marry a minister. 

Actually, this whole reading I had done, is interesting. It has about 75%  that seems to fit my overall situation. Which brings me back to something I wrote the other week about how astrology and relationships do carry some weight.

So our personality really is predestined.  When I gave the astrologer my name and birthdate, he clicked his tongue, and asked me if my last name was my maiden name or married name? When I said I have never been married, he made another noise and then laughed. "Well, please don't get angry, but I suggest you legally change your last name if you want to be successful, in anything. Cause the numerology connected to your last name is like a big black cloud."

This is actually the second time in ten years I've had someone tell me that just with a quick glance at my last name.  Damn. I really am cursed.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Post it April 10th

Dear Herman:

Have you ever been out in winds so rough that you nearly get knocked off your feet?  Winds were that bad today here. Half the city looked like a comedy routine as we walked to our destinations. Bonus, crunching on dirt and puddle spray a few times the wind gusts were so strong. 

Where was I walking to in this hellish windstorm? To the psychic fair. Yes, the psychic fair that the crazy native dude talked about the other day. Why? Cause I was hoping to get a tarot reading, god only knows why given I've never had a reader tell me anything about me, they always click into my sister's life and give me a rundown about her stuff; and I was hoping to meet some cute guy.  Laughable.  Seriously, it was almost like the wind didn't want me to get there in one piece or on time. And when I did with two minutes to spare, the lady running the fair said they were running two hours late.
Dude, waste of a day.

And with that...I imagine you checking in, laughing your arse off at my misadventures. I imagine you're dressed in blue pajama bottoms, bare feet, and a very worn yellow t-shirt that has a tear at the shoulder. And I think you're sitting there with a cup of tea, and a larger then usual sketch book in front of you, drawing...dogs. I think you're drawing dogs and wolves and moose...big moose. Big brown-ish dark creepy looking moose, with stuff coming out of their mouths, and evil dead eyes.  Moose...very scary when they smash into the car on the highway.

Smile... big moose.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

April 9th 2014

Doorbell went a bit ago. It was Walsh. "You are home?"

Me-:"Briefly. Why? And what are you doing here?"

Walsh-:"I was at auntie's putting a chair together for her."

Me-:"She was really driving me nuts about that chair. What's up?"

He came into the hallway, stood there, shoes just covered in mud. "We're not going to the wrestling in Toronto."

Me-:"And you had to rush over to tell me this why?"

Walsh shrugged, grabbing a cigarette. "Let you gloat. Couldn't get the time off work. There was seven of us planning on going, boss would only let two take that week off."

Me-:"There's always next time. Okay, you didn't come over at this time of night to tell me that. What's wrong?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. I was wondering if I could borrow a few movies?" 

I gestured to the nearest box of dvds,  "I suppose, just don't let the kids touch them."

Walsh-:"Have you heard from Kevin lately?"

Me-:"Not in years. Why?"

Walsh-:"Bumped into him the other day, he's back in town."

Me-:"Last I heard he was married with kids."

He grabbed two vampire movies and stood there with them under his arm, lighting his cigarette. "He didn't say anything about kids. Just thought I'd let you know in case you bump into him."

Me-:"Good to know."

Walsh-:"You seem irritated. Anything going on?"

Me-:"Bunch of my regular readers have fallen off the face of the earth the last week. Which is both good and bad. Bad, because a bunch of my regular readers have fallen off the face of the earth causing my hits to be almost zero, but good because it was the big yearly ppv so that means I have more wrestlers reading me then I originally thought."

My cousin laughed at me. "Now that's funny."

Me-:"How is that funny?"

Walsh-:"Just is. They'll get around to catching up."


Walsh-:"Um...sure. Anyways, I better get going before my wife starts calling looking for me. Last thing I want his her pissed off again."

Me-:"Again? What did you do?"

Walsh-:"Uh, forgot to take the dogs for a walk before work. Got home to a mess."

Me-:"So glad I'm not you then."


There was this native dude sitting behind me on the bus today, and he was blowing on my hair. Strange, and uncomfortable. When I moved, the guy said "spider."  So there's me, smacking the back of my skull thinking there was a spider on me. And the guy goes "No, my name is Spider." he pointed at me "Your aura is really murky, I was trying to clean your aura, there's something attached to you. You should use a hair dryer when you wash your hair, the hot air will force whatever is attached to unattach. And the murkiness will go away."

Then he told me to make sure I come by the psychic fair that is happening this weekend.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Hermit meets the 4 of Pentacles


The Hermit card in tarot can mean either knowledge from seclusion or it can mean being stuck in a rut.
The 4 of Pentacles can mean being rooted and prepared or it can mean being stubborn and unwilling because of fear.

These two cards together, ironically, seem to be popping up at times when planets are in retro, as Mars is for the next few weeks.

It's letting you know there is change about to happen, but maybe not obviously, or even right away, as most retro phases are about going over the issue, to examine other points of view.

My aunt sent me a link to an article about how we sometimes deprive others our love/gifts/talents without even knowing it, simply by being stuck in a certain stage of mind, or in a rut.
So what happens when you have no idea what your gifts/talents are?  How can you break out of the rut and give that part of yourself to someone else?

As I sit here this morning, thinking about this bit of information, all I can think is that my words are the only gift I have to give.  It's all I think I have ever had to offer. Conversation, strange facts, odd thoughts.

The Hermit and 4 of Pentacles seems to be trying to say otherwise.

As we head into the next stage of things, everyone will start to see shades of other possibilities unfolding over the next few months.  In the meantime, this is all I have to give. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Post it note Monday 7th

I was talking with my aunt and one of her friends, about Arielle Ford's books, and website. Ends up, my aunt's friend is currently doing the exercises offered in the book "Soulmate Secret" and wanted to know how I found the whole thing to be?

I had to tell her, that for me, it just hasn't worked. At lest, I've yet to see any results and I've been following the book and website since the book came out in 2009.
My aunt then commented that that wasn't completely right, as I had met someone who had many things off my list.  True, when I was on that one social site last year, and friends with the Kid from Mexico, he did hit five things on my wish list.

So of course, they both asked me why I didn't end up with the guy?  Simple, and I think I mentioned it before, I just knew he wasn't the guy for me. 
So, I suppose I did get something out of the book and website, the ability to listen to my heart/instincts more.  One of the biggest things the author says on her website, is to pay attention to how you respond to the people that start coming into your life. 

At the moment, I'm listening.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Well that was quick

8:20pm Message came in from Walsh. "You're boys won."

Me-:"Yes, I knew they would."

The Pack came to the ring with sort of a new spin on their look, masks, a layer less of clothes. I was settling in for the match when it was over. What the hell? Talk about a quickie...

Then, one of the larger matches, and Dimmer was tossed out before I realized he was in there. Damn. I'm missing all my favourites tonight.


"Oh my god! She's such a skank." Sister said as she dropped her purse on the floor grabbing the rocking chair.

Me-:"Who we talking about?"

Sister-:"Daffiny. She's become such a little skank."

Mom-:"I think she's pretty."   She pointed to Daffiny's facebook photos. Which is what got the whole thing started. "What do you think?"

Me-:"You want me to be honest or polite?"

Sister-:"See, she agrees with me."

Mom-:"She looks just like her mom did at that age."

My sister and I looked at each other both thinking the same thing, "that explains everything."

Mom-:"You two are so..."

Sister-:"What? What? Cause we wouldn't be caught dead ever wearing a belt calling it a skirt? And fishnets! Seriously, she's like what 16? You can't look at her and tell me that's appropriate?"

Mom-:"What's not appropriate is your aunt's best friend with all that craziness! Being her age and still throwing herself at men!"

My sister laughed out loud, gesturing at mom. "And you tell us not to judge. Kettle meet pot." she shook her head. "This family eh?" she got up getting a cup of coffee. "Oh crap! The pay-per-view is tonight right?"

Me-:"Yeah, why?"

She made a face. "Kids want to order it. I guess I need to get back soon to the house, otherwise, they'll end up ordering it and the replay for the week. Oh my god, I had to put a parental lock on the tv cause we caught them ordering porn. They went to order the boxing there last time, and they hit the order button like five times cause I guess it didn't show up right away that they had ordered it, we had a bill come for like $400 cause of it. And we were like 'oh look we've got the replays for free'. Wrong. We paid for every one of those replays. Husband was so pissed off with them." she sat back down with her coffee. "Now if they want to order a ppv, one of us have to do the actual ordering. The kids are not allowed."

Mom-:"Couple of the people on my friends list on here actually went to it." she was pointing to someone's profile who was getting their photo taken with a few wrestlers.

Sister-:"Like how she's trying to make us jealous eh?"

Mom-:"Not you, just your sister. Your boys are going to loose tonight." she pointed at me.

Sister-:"Well anyways, better get going." she picked up her purse and headed for the door. "Should I be putting a bet on this or something? Listen to her eh? Tries to come off like she isn't a fan and she's the one cruising the fan sites and stuff. Have fun, don't kill each other over your teams there."

Post it Sunday 6th April 2014

Dear Herman:

I have that old song "Put your head on my shoulder" stuck in my mind this morning. No idea why. Paul Anka version.

Imagine you checking in today...actually I imagined you checking in tomorrow...but anyways... I think your sitting reading this, a large cup of coffee in hand, an extremely large apple fritter muffin, and a sketch book that you're working on. I imagine you dressed in dark jeans, a dark green shirt, and a dark trenchcoat. Which would be very "Ninth Gate" of you.


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Coffee, tea or me?

I got a message from my cousin Walsh. "Did you talk to Connie yet?"

Me-:"Nope. She never called me. Why?"

Walsh-:"She lied to her mom the other night and said she was coming here, when she went to some witch thing. Parents are pissed."

Me-:"Okay, and?"

Walsh-:"They yelled at my wife, she freaked out and yelled at me..."

Me-:"Not your fault, she's a teenager."

Walsh-:"I know that. Tell that to them...did you see the show last night?"

Me-:"Yeah, it sucked. Like two matches and the Pack had like one minute air time. Rest was all about the ppv tomorrow."

Walsh-:"So I didn't miss anything?"


Walsh-:"Okay so I'm suppose to ask you if you want to go for coffee with Jake?"

Me-:"Who's Jake?"

Walsh-:"He's a regular at the bar my older sister works at. He sometimes works as a bouncer when they host parties."

Me-:"No. Don't like bar people."

Walsh-:"I told her that. But she was insistent. Lest I can honestly tell her I asked."

Me-:"Just out of curiosity, why?"

Silence for a few minutes.

Walsh-:"Wife was out with her friends the other night, they stopped in for a bit, Jake asked my sister out and she said no. Wife heard, and I guess she thought you and him would be a good idea. Mind you, she was drunk. Should I even bother telling you what he looks like?"

I actually found myself thinking about it for a few seconds.

Me-:"Does he look like Dimmer?" 


Me-:"There's your answer."

Walsh-:"You're not going to find a guy who looks like Dimmer."

Me-:"Then just give me Dimmer. I'd be happy with that."


Me-:"So you really don't think I can score a hot guy?"

more silence.

Walsh-:"Never said that. I'm saying, you need to start dating again. Anything is possible if you believe in it...you deserve some happiness."

You know what, for once I'm going to agree.

Pop quiz

Bumped into one of the ladies who lives upstairs from mom as I was bringing in her mail. The lady's granddaughter was with her, reading a teen magazine. I didn't even know they still made those in print, I thought they died out years ago. Anyways, the kid was not much more then about 12, and just going on and on about wanting to see the new Zac Efron movie. Which, it seems, is not suitable for kids, but anyways.
The kid asked me who my favourite movie star was? I didn't have an answer for her cause I don't really have a favourite...Johnny Depp I guess?
The kid laughed waved the magazine and said "No, who's your crush?" Then started listing off a bunch of famous guys she likes. None of which I've heard of.

The answer should have been easy, but as I was about to open my mouth, I stopped. Had to think.
It was a case of "hang on, I know this one...it's a wrestler..." That's what was going through my mind. Only, I couldn't make up my mind and the kid was you know, a kid which mean she had the attention span of a fly and was starting to look at me like what was about to fall out of my mouth would be the key to something.

"I can't choose. I like four guys right now."

That wasn't a good enough answer it would seem. The kid huffed, rolled her eyes, and told me to pick.  Really? I can't end the conversation there?  Meanwhile, the lady from mom's building was laughing and going on about how her granddaughter just had her first school dance.  And the kid flipped through the magazine, showing me a photo of some dude with his hair in his face, that she said the guy she danced with looked like.  I had no idea who the boy in the magazine was, so I just nodded and smiled like a moron.

Kid-:"So... who's your crush?"

Me-:"Seriously, can't choose. There's Dimmer, Mad Hatter, Rebel without a Cause and Grave Digger."  She looked at me with this confused look on her face. "Wrestlers."

She screwed up her face at me. "Never watch it."  She huffed again. "You can only have one." 

Me-:"Mad Hatter."

Kid-:"I still don't know who that is?"

I walked away from this odd conversation confused, and feeling really ancient given I had no idea who anyone was, the kid was talking about. And asking myself, "why can I only have one?"
Seems a little unfair in the grand scheme of things. I'm not talking about a guy whom I'm dating or anything, so why only one?
There are multiple qualities I like in all the wrestlers I listed, so who stamped the rule book with one crush per famous person per person?

I think I just got slammed by a 12 year old.

Friday, April 4, 2014

love makes you do the wacky

"Well, I guess your aunt E. is home tonight. She's on facebook." mom said bit ago. "Which means, either she's got bad weather where she is, or else she's disgusted."

Me-:"Disgusted over what?"

Mom-:"Oh, one of her friends, the one she usually goes to the casino with, has been making a jackass out of herself over a man. She's older then me."

This from a woman who talks over the soap operas when there is any kind of kissing scene, fast forwards through any kind of love scene in a movie while making comments about how they (the writers) can't think of anything else, and constantly let's everyone know that men are all morons who can't keep their promises or keep it in their pants. My mom has become so, intolerant over the years of anything to do with relationships, romance, dating, sex etc.
There is a reason I never introduce boyfriends to my mom, or talk about any of my relationships/ex-boyfriends with her. She's beyond bitter.

I thought I was a mess over men. I might be constantly asking "what went wrong?"  but, I know there are still decent ones out there.

Mom-:"The woman is taking photos of herself with the guy, putting them up on her profile, leaving comments for him on his profile, talking about him all the time...ridiculous! She's in her late 60's, she should know better. No one needs to see them standing there in front of some mountain somewhere...it's bad enough when someone in their twenties does that, but come on. She's too old to get married, he's never going to stay with her, what would he see in her at her age. Not like they've been together for decades or anything, just met last month at some dinner. Next week she'll be crying, after he leaves her for someone in their 50's. Just look at him."

I sat there listening to this, having to really keep myself from laughing. If being happy, and sharing that happiness is being a jackass over a man, then I guess we're all in trouble.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Put a label on it

My sister called last night, upset. She had taken the second youngest kid to his hockey game. As the game was ending, one of the other kids on the team had been talking to my nephew and commented on his parents not being there. Nephew's response was to point to my sister and say his dad had to work.  When the other boy said "Oh, so it's just you and your step-mom?" 
My nephew who's eleven, replied with "No, she's not my step-mom, she's just my dad's wife."

This is what upset my sister. And frankly, I would be in tears and angry too if it happened to me. Never mind the fact they have been together over eight years. She's pretty much been the one to raise the four kids, the last eight years, the other kids do call her mom.
When she asked him why he said that, his reply was to point out how she's his dad's wife, not his mom's. 

In the kid's mind, step-mom/step-dad strictly means a parent of the same sex. 

The comment still stung, and I can understand, given she was being referred to as "just my dad's wife." As it gives the impression of zero respect.  But, in defense of the kid, I can see how the label has become what it has. And that's a good thing.

Relationships are hard enough as it is, finding them, keeping them. How we define them is up to us.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

When you're strange

"Dude you sound sad and pathetic."  my cousin commented. He had come over to watch the wrestling he'd asked me to tape on Monday.

Me-:"Why thank you. I try."

Walsh-:"The question is what's going on?"

Me-:"Vague that up for me."

He stole the remote control, fast forwarding through the commercials. "Uh...you're not acting like you."

Me-:"Meaning what?" I handed him a cup of coffee.

Walsh-:"What part of that sentence did you not understand? You, are, not, acting, like yourself. You're acting all...strange. Well, strange for you. So, what's up?"

Me-:"What, you've never had a bad time of things?"

Walsh-:"Um, yeah all the time. Any of those cabbage rolls left?"

Me-:"They're vegetarian."

He nodded, hitting play on the dvr. "You getting the ppv on Sunday?"

Me-:"Thinking about it. Why?"

He shrugged. "Your rant the other day made it seem like you weren't. So you are?"

Me-:"As I said, thinking about it."

Walsh-:"Don't think too hard, could hurt yourself." he finished watching the show and got up to leave. "Read the latest part on the fairy tale. What was up with that? You make yourself sound so..." he made like he was going to strangle me. "That's why you're single. You know that right? If you see yourself like that, how is anyone else going to see you as any other way?" he got his cigarettes out of his pocket as he headed out the door. "I caught it, so you know when your boys read it, they'll catch it too. Makes you look really bad man."

Me-:"Well, yeah guess it does. But you sort of missed the point."

Walsh-:"Which was?"

Me-:"The bathroom scene. The characters can't get past their egos. They keep getting separated but there's that bond that drags them back to each other. It's their weakness. Actually, their weakness is each other."

He just stared at me, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth unlit. "Ah I see. You've really got to get over your self esteem issues, or you'll never get a date again. Ever."

Me-:"God, you sound like your step-mom."

Walsh-:"Cause I'm right." and with that, he left.

post it April 2nd 2014

Dear Herman:

Guessing this is a hectic time for you, with this being the big week for the yearly ppv.
Sun is out here today, finally. Birds making a lot of noise in the tree outside my window. Streets are a mess though, had freezing rain here yesterday.  I hope wherever you are today when you read this, the weather is decent.

Writing these has started to fill me with sadness. There is just something in the back of my mind that pushes this little addiction. I'm starting to think you really are the perfect drug. 

I've been told more then once lately, that asking for what you really want in life is the most important and sometimes the most difficult thing to do. I am starting to think, everyone around me has been hanging out in the same place. And here, all this time, I thought I had been asking for what I want. Silly me.

Anyways... I imagine you checking in today, wishing you were anywhere other then where you are, doing anything other then what you were doing five seconds before you checked the blog. I think you're exhausted, maybe a little fed up, and who knows, maybe even sore from the last few weeks of work. I imagine you are forgetting stuff this week, leaving little things behind, like your hat, a book, favourite pen.  I imagine you today to be wearing dark track pants, a dark sweater -deep grey- with a hoodie over it, also grey, thinking there isn't enough coffee in the world this week to keep you steady. I imagine you're heartbroken...not in the romantic sense, but work wise. maybe. Something you thought you were getting to- a point in things- that got changed or put off, a spot given to someone else.

Smile, next week will be smoother.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Let me ask ya

"When was the last time you felt really beautiful?"  my aunt asked me. She had stopped by on her way home from a business meeting, with a book on meditation mandalas, and we started talking about everything.

Me-:"That's a trick question right?" she glared at me. "Umm... It was the night I started dating -----."

Aunt-:"And? Where were you? What were you doing? What were you wearing? Why did you feel beautiful?"

Me-:"I was singing. That one karaoke place, wearing....well, I had just cut my hair short, bleached it out for the first time, had gotten down to 140 pounds, clothes...that one pair of patterned jeans and the black shirt with the vampire logo on it. Why did I feel beautiful? Um... I don't know? It was a good time in my life. I had just lost the weight, wrote that one manuscript that I really loved, was hanging out with friends having dinners every few nights...why?"

Aunt-:"And how long ago was that?"

Me-:"Like, eleven years ago. Why?"

Aunt-:"That's where you need to get back to. Why did you stop singing?"

Me-:"Can't since the car accident. My lung and ribs are too covered in scar tissue, just can't seem to get the air anymore. That and I just don't like bars. Bars are bad."

Aunt-:"Well, start small. Go get your hair done, buy a few new outfits, try singing again and if you can't do it, think of something else you love to do and just throw yourself into it." she shrugged. "Be beautiful, feel beautiful, and you'll be happy and attractive and then Mr. Right will show up."

This is pretty much common sense, but I let my aunt continue with her pep talk.  Just, think I'll keep bars off the to do list.


Wisdom is not guaranteed with age. It's hinted at, dangled like a carrot, but not guaranteed. Obviously, or I wouldn't be the heartbroken mess that I am today.

And the world is filled with mixed messages. They tell us women to make the first move, at the same time telling us to be patient and wait for the right man, the proper invitation.  Tell us to make the other person earn the privilege, while at the same time shoving us with both hands into action.

I believe I've mentioned before, that I've done both.  I've more then I can count, have made the first move. It really got me nothing but messes and heartbreak. I've also sat back and waited, which has got me nothing but loneliness.

So what's the reality? Where do we find the balance needed to make the situation work?  How do you know you're just leaving your comfort zone, and when you're just leaving your morals?

I'm sitting here right now, watching the freezing rain and hail hit the window, making this feel more like winter than spring, the darkness refusing to let go of the morning skyline, wondering if I've risked too much or not enough?

I wish right now I could think off hand of a single Sex and the City episode to compare this to, but at the moment, all I can think of is how half of the series fits.