Monday, December 31, 2012

Recap of a Random SATC episode p4

Season 3 Episode 38- The Big Time

This is the episode where Carrie and Big keep running into each other, Miranda feels pressured by Steve to have a baby, Charlotte falls in love with Trey, and Samantha fears she's entered menopause.

Carrie's question of the week is "Is Timing Everything?"

One of the opening scenes is of Carrie and Charlotte getting their nails done, talking about the innocence  of not having sex right away. This leads them into a side comment about erasing your past sexual history. Can it be done? One of the next scenes has Samantha being hit on by a guy who looks like he just stepped out of a bad 1980's music video. The comparison to what is "nostalgia" and what is "stuck in the past" is visible here.

During a scene where the four girls are pouring over magazines, (like teenagers over homework at lunch) they start talking about their periods being matched up, which Samantha then has to admit she's late. Which is one of the first real moments in the whole series where her age really gets a mention. Of all the topics, menopause is only tackled  a few times in the whole of the series.

We see Miranda and Steve out having dinner, talking about the fact that so many people suddenly have kids. Steve then suggests to Miranda that they would make great parents and asks her to have a baby. The whole time, Miranda is wiping spilled soup off of Steve's shirt. We see the vastly different views that they have on the topic of family. Steve is ready to settle down and live the dream that most women want, while Miranda is the one who is reluctant and is throwing up the road blocks. (which would be a foreshadow for the rest of the series for them)  We also see what seems to be the de-evolving of  Steve from a philosophical character to a more emotional mess.
They end up getting a puppy as a "trial run" while putting the baby conversation on hold.

Carrie then goes to a celebrity party on a yacht with Charlotte and Trey, leaving Aidan at home. Here she bumps into Mr. Big, who is also there without his wife. They hang out for a while, and when Mr. Big learns that Carrie is dating someone, he starts to rethink his marriage. Mr. Big shows up at Carrie's apartment little later, jealous of Aidan. (this would become the set up for the affair they have over the next few episodes)

Samantha decides to go on a date with the old guy who repulses her because she is fearing her loss of attractiveness. She ends up getting her period while having sex with him, and her entire out look on life changes. All her fears go away.

This episode deals with transitions in life. The smaller issues that somehow become the steps to the larger ones. Sometimes the problems can be fixed, sometimes they can't. It's knowing when they can or can not that makes the difference.
Ironically, Mr. Big makes the biggest (no pun intended) step in his transition. He admits that he isn't really sure what it is that he's looking for in life at that point, but that Carrie is constantly on his mind.
As the girls are all dealing in fear, Mr. Big is dealing in confusion. 

One of the best quotes in this episode is  - Charlotte "Oh My God! Vagina weights!"

 Samantha -"Honey, my vagina waits for no man"
 (when they are having drinks looking at ads in junk mail and magazines)

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Recap of a Random SATC episode part 3

A Vogue Idea - Season 4 Episode 65

This is the episode where Carrie is trying to move on with her life after her second major break up with Aidan, and gets a new job at Vogue.  It's also where Charlotte throws a baby shower for Miranda, and Samantha attempts a three way with her boyfriend and a much younger woman.

Carrie gets what she considers her dream job working for the biggest fashion magazine in the world, but fails to wow her main editor, Enid.  (A character who ends up returning throughout the rest of the series and movies off and on) But is taken pity on by her other editor Julian who tries to seduce her.

Carrie's question of the week is "I couldn't help but wonder, how much does a father-figure Figure?"

We see Carrie talking about her dad having run off when she was a kid to Julian,(which is undone in the prequel books)  who informs her that she's been doing the relationship column because she never had a dad. But Miranda tells Carrie that growing up, Miranda's dad was around all the time and she still is messed up about men, when they are discussing her fears over being a single mom.

This episode is about the next stages in life. One character is dealing with a new job, another with a new baby, one is dealing with the end of her marriage, and the last the end of being single.
This episode is also another one of the traditional vs modern themes that runs throughout the series.
We start to see a more grown up sense of Carrie fashion wise. Some of her outfits start to tone down slightly, and Miranda's start to soften a bit, making her seem less businesslike all the time, as she takes on the mommy role.

This episode has one of my favourite set of quotes

Carrie-:"Is it vogue?" (when she is at the Vogue office)

"I'm drunk...I'm drunk at Vogue." (she moves her arm and her drink spills everywhere) " oopps I spilled. I spilled at Vogue"

Samantha -:"She might be 21, but I have 21 years of experience. I could f**k her under the table."

Carrie -:"In a three-way situation, it might come to that"  (when they are at the baby shower)

Friday, December 21, 2012

Defense of the Offense

"One of the guys from my company hockey team just separated from his wife."
Brother-in-law said as he helped mom bring in her groceries last night.

Me-:"Not interested."

BrotherIL-:"I haven't told you anything about him yet."

Me-:"Said more then enough. Let me guess, he's your age and if he's separated then there are kids. So not interested."

BrotherIL-:"He's 41 and yeah..." he started to laugh "He's got two boys."

Me-:"That's all there seems to be in this city. Divorced men with kids. No offense."

He laughed again rolling his eyes at me then left.  I knew this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his buddy.  His buddy is newly single and everyone else they know is in a relationship.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Have I changed the way you think?

On another blog I am part of, there are countless spam comments. Some days, it's a job in itself to clean them out.
One of the most common things on those comments is the sentence "you've changed my life with the advice on your blog"

Right away, the sentence that sprang to my mind, was "have I changed the way you think?"
You being, anyone who's ever come in contact with my works. Have I inspired you?  Have I presented a different view point?    

There is a song lyric that I heard yesterday that has been stuck in my mind, that talks about how you think you know what you are looking for, until what you are looking for finds you.   

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Saturday 15th

Phone rang around 7pm last night. It was my 6 year old cousin, the one who's too smart for her own good.  Wanting to come here to mom's for the night. I said my mom wasn't here, she had gone to an x-mas party with her church group. The kid handed the phone to someone else. 
Someone not my aunt.  She said that my cousin was suppose to stay over there but now couldn't, and wanted to know if she could drop her off here.

Me-:"Sure. It's just me for the next three or so hours though."

I heard her turn and tell my cousin she could drop her off with her sister if she'd rather. Then I heard my cousin state very plainly that she would come here and wait with me for my mom to get back.

My 6 year old cousin doesn't really like me.  She's compared me to the witch from Hansel and Gretel.
When they got here little bit later, the lady was in a rush and said once again she could take my cousin to her sister's. The kid shook her head dragging her backpack on the floor behind her and said "No. I know she's not going to go anywhere."  dropping her backpack at my feet.

The kid came in, took the remote for the tv putting on some christmas cartoon and asked me to make her mac and cheese. Which is like the only thing the kid ever seems to eat.
What I've noticed about the kid is that she's always got to be in arms length of people. When her and my aunt are here she either sits in her lap or sits so that she can be shoulder to shoulder with her. When my mom babysits, the kid sits so that if she reaches her arm out she ends up touching my mom's shoulder or elbow.
With me, the kid just sat in the living room ignoring me. Did not ask to play any games, did not bother to tell me how her week was which are always the first things she does normally when she comes here, tells my mom all about her week and always has at lest four board games she wants to play. 
When I turned to tell her that the mac and cheese was ready, she got up from her spot in front of the tv, came into the kitchen, and said "I can have a drink of that right if I wanted to because it's only pop right, if I wanted to. But I don't want to cause I'm not allowed to have pop, but I could if I wanted to cause that's all that it is right? Just pop." 

Me-:"I could pour you a glass if you wanted one"

Cousin-:"No. My mom doesn't let me drink pop. I'm just saying, that's all that is in it right?"

Me-:"Yes, I don't like ice"

She looked at it nodding and sat down to eat her mac and cheese, then out of nowhere said "I know that if I did drink it from your glass all it would be would be pop and that's okay because it smells like just pop. You know what else I know. I know that if I go to bed before aunty gets home, even when she does get home, if I need to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I know you will still be on the sofa sleeping cause you never go anywhere. You don't go out in the middle of the night."

It hit me then.  She chose to hang out with me and not her own sister because she knew she was safe here. I knew that my other cousin, who had just come back from rehab few weeks ago had fallen back into her addictions. 
Now it made some sense.

Friday, December 14, 2012

12:23am Friday

I am unnerved at that moment.  I'd like to blame it on the last two cups of coffee, but I know full well that's not it.
Herman, I hope you're out there tonight.
You know how when everything is going well, then something small happens that upsets the whole machine.  It's one of those weeks.  Oh, and my sister quit her job. 

You know what the number one cause of relationship problems is?  Money.  So of course, Sister is totally wiped right now, and my Brother in Law is being a jerk. I don't blame my sister for quitting, her boss was a arse and one of her coworkers was doing everything in her power to make my sister's life hell.

Two hours ago I was feeling really great.  Now, I just want to curl up with a container of mint chocolate ice cream.  Only, I don't have any.  And my problems are not connected to my sister's. Other then it's all I've heard about in the last 12 hours. My problems this week stem from other things.

But on the bright side, Mr. Scratchy, it's the weekend. And, my cousin had me half believing earlier that something I wrote had been the prompt behind something he saw on tv.  For Company #1.  I don't know if it was or not this time around, but the idea that the industry is still paying some attention made me feel good.

Okay Mr. Scratchy, hope you're night has been a good one.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The scent of it

February 24th 2012.  I had woken up that morning with the intention of beautifying my life. I got dressed, got on a city bus and went to the mall. Picked up a new cd, new journal, a fashion magazine then took myself for lunch at the only restaurant in the mall. Had a martini along with it, gin dry three olives no ice shaken not stirred.  Then took myself across the street to the fabric store, bought a few meters of material for a quilt that never ended up getting made, and next door to the drug store for new perfume.  Only I ended up waiting.  Put the bottle of perfume on hold for the next day when there was to be a massive season clearance sale, then headed next door to the cinema.  When the movie was over, I took my large pop and popcorn and got on another city bus planning my day for the next day, scheduling in my mind what time I'd need to be up to get back for the sale. 
Then it happened.  Ten feet away from my door, black ice in the parking lot, and not one single lightbulb on the building's property.

I heard the sound of the crack in my knee as I hit the ground before I felt it. Pop spilled everywhere in a wet sticky, popcorn flying as my shopping went everywhere, my purse rolling.  I screamed, no one came.  One of the neighbours from the next building was just sitting there in his truck, the door wide open, staring at me.  He never moved to help, never asked if everything was okay.  I managed to reach my purse and get my cell phone.

The next day, all I could think about was the fact I missed out on the perfume sale.  That my plans to make myself feel better had been ruined because not only did I mess up my chances for starting over, but I was broken and crippled.   Again! 
I'd had my ankle broken years ago.  And it took me almost ten years to finally feel whole again. To walk without a cane, to be just a girl.

I never did get that new perfume.  I don't even remember what the name of it was. Just remember it smelled something like sandalwood and flowers.  Nothing too spicy, nothing sweet. 

All this came up just now because PartyGirl was in the hallway, spraying perfume at someone.  It was a really sticky sweet smell, like bubblegum and marshmellows.  I don't care for sweet perfumes.  Don't know how others can? Doesn't it give you headaches when it smells that sweet?

Scents cause us to react on so many levels.  From memories, to desires, to emotional states of mind. 

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Recap of Random SATC epsidoe p2

The Catch   Season 6 (part 1 episode 8 of the season)  Episode  82 of the series

This is Charlotte's wedding to Harry.  Carrie has to get over her fear of heights in order to complete an article, and ends up having a horrible one night stand with a friend of Harry's.  Samantha has a bunch of little every day things happen that makes her wish she didn't live alone.  And Miranda has to face the fear of meeting her ex; Steve's new girlfriend when they come by to pick up the baby.

The quote of the week "When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"

Fans call this episode "jack rabbit sex"  because of a line spoken between Carrie and Stanford when talking about the one night stand. She comments on how bad it was because the guy really had no idea what he was doing and she was afraid to tell him that.

Throughout the series, Carrie has been searching for the "right guy" and the "right relationship"  usually ending up with disappointment.  In this episode, she lets her friends set her up with a guy who's only in town for a few days for "fun". But the guy ends up wanting more and when he realizes that it was just meant to be a one night stand, he reacts like a wounded child disrupting the wedding. 

This episode is about facing the fears that keep you from finding peace within yourself. They play off of the idea that "what's the worst that can happen?" (there is about three accidents that happen to Charlotte and Miranda during the wedding from a slip and fall to a fire)
It also expands on the theme of sometimes imperfection is the real perfection, which has been a thread through most of the season to that point.

Another point they make, when Carrie, Miranda and Samantha are gathered at Charlotte's party, is about how nothing is truly casual anymore.  All of them are dressed up, at what is suppose to be a casual event talking about the pitfalls of having casual sex. Carrie lets them talk her into the idea of casual sex but finds her original theory is more honest for her.
This is also one of the few episodes where the title of the episode is mentioned more then once. 

Cool quote from this episode when Carrie and the girls are having lunch   "It's expiration-dating"

Friday, December 7, 2012

Knock Knock Crash

I was moving around a stack of books and dvds, and ended up knocking them over, sending them spilling all over the place.  Then started to swear loudly.

A knock at my apartment door then scared the hell out of me.   I picked up enough of the spillage to get to the door and open it. 
This 6 foot 6 Native dude was stand there, the door to the across the hall apartment wide open. 

"I heard a crash and someone swearing is everything okay?"

Me-:"Fine. I wasn't that loud."

guy-:" I was just coming up from the laundry. I'm Matt, just moved in last week."

Me-:"The others moved out already? huh."

I told you that no one stays here in this building for long.  All but me, I'm trapped here. Starting to think it's a magick spell or something sometimes.  If being poor is a magick spell that is.

I realized he was waiting for me to introduce myself, which I did and closed the door.   This was nearly a half hour ago. It's taken me that long to clean up the books and dvds  and find what I was looking for to begin with.

Monday, December 3, 2012


thump thump thump  scream thump thump thump scream

I thought I was dreaming.  Or I should say, it brought me out of a fairly deep sleep. And took me a minute to realize, that PartyGirl was the cause.  Her bed was hitting the wall so much that it literally woke me.

Damn.  The apartments here are two bedrooms, why is it everyone who lives in the apartment below me over the years has always taken the bedroom right under mine?  And I've been sleeping on the sofa in the living room, so I don't want to think about how loud she would have been if I had been in my own room.

If you live in apartments, or have been to hotels you know that there are times when no matter what, you're going to hear someone having sex.  But that just now... there can't be anyone still sleeping anywhere in the building at all. 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Recap of random SATC episode

Season 1 Episode 1 Sex and the City

The first episode has a few things different from what would become the tradition of the show, for starters, it's one of the few times we see Carrie as a brunette. It also has multiple characters talking  as if the 4th wall wasn't there. It also has Carrie's apartment over a coffee shop.

We open with Carrie talking about another writer she knows who falls for a banker.  Much like Carrie and Mr. Big.

One of the first scenes of Carrie Bradshaw is through her window working on her laptop, and we get the question of the week, though it's actually a statement this time around  Cupid has flown the co-op then Carrie asks "how the hell did we get into this mess?"

We then see one of Carrie's articles "Unmarried Women, Toxic Bachelors" (which is direct from the book and I'm guessing from the original column)
Then the rest of the women are introduced, and their core characters are established. This is where  the idea of romance vs just sex, gets thrown onto the table. Which would become the biggest theme throughout the series.

An ex boyfriend of Carrie's shows up and Carrie makes a comment about having gotten into a dating pattern with him, 3 previous times, and then having a one night stand with him thinking she can handle the idea of just sex, but realizes that she needs to be in a relationship to feel comfortable with herself.
This would ironically mirror her relationship with Mr. Big throughout the series.

As she leaves his apartment, she bumps into Mr. Big, literally. Spilling her purse on the street. 
Later, we see Mr. Big turn down Samantha, and Miranda choose the nice guy. While Charlotte is the one being turned down when her date makes a statement about having to have sex that night. He is then seen with Samantha.
The final scene is Carrie and Big in his car after he spots her walking home and offers her a ride. She turns to him and asks if he's ever been in love and he smiles giving what would become his  classic line "absof***inglutely"

And the fact that we see Carrie asking questions to Mr. Big would also foreshadow how she deals with the relationship throughout the series. Never quite sure of herself when it comes to him. And Big always seeming to have the upper hand simply because he's more confident and secure with himself.

This episode is sort of the idea of nice vs jerks.  The idea of opposites is shown in this first episode, half the male characters are wanting no strings and total control, half are not, same goes with the female characters, half of them don't want to compromise, and half of them are leaving everything up to the men. 
Is the message here that deep down everyone is wanting the same thing, or that not enough communication is happening, and everyone is assuming stuff about the people around them?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Post it Nov 29th evening

Dear Herman:

I'm sitting here listening to a cd, and there was a line in one of the songs that goes "you can freak if you want to freak"  which, is how I've been feeling the past while.
Freaked out. 

I don't even know if you're still reading me or not, after my  post the other day, I can't blame you if you aren't.  But if you still are...

I think I figured out why you haven't bothered to come out of the shadows yet.  I'm a bitch.  And let's be honest, I'm not in a great a place right now for anyone.  Even if you did end up being/are The Celebrity. 
I had a series of total craziness and bad vibes today that all centered around blogs and emails. And now, I'm sitting here having to admit that way too much of my life in the last few years has centered around that.  Around the internet. 
To quote from Interview with a Vampire "life has no meaning anymore"

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Immature but that's about it.  Okay a hothead and a total dreamer.
But, whether you're pissed at me or if something else is going on, I have no idea.  
And I'm flying blind here, on faith.  Faith that all my readers are still around somewhere. All seven of you.

But, this just proves a few things.  One of which its really really time to reinvent myself. I've been saying that for about six months now, and today just put the stamp on the envelope.

I'm sitting here now, and no matter how much I crank the music, all I can hear is PartyGirl downstairs with her friends.

The other thing it proves is that I'm just not ready to give up on my dreams.  I did a tarot reading last night, and the Knight of Cups came up. The particular deck has it listed as a Romeo in a Lizard suit
So Mr. Scratchy, is that you?  Has my imagination the last year or so of what you are like, been even sort of right or are you someone I never thought of?

I still think you're a wrestler.  And I still think you wear glasses, are a nerdy type artist and have a dog.  I still think you wear those pajama bottoms, that you still drink tea, and that you are either in university or even a professor.

I await the real you... when the time is right.

Until then... maybe you can just let me know if you know how The Other Guy's surgeries went after the year he had?

Did SATC teach us wrong?

If you watched the show Sex and the City like millions over the years, or been following some of the posts on here where I've talked about episodes, you know that the characters ranged from subtle to over the top in their ways of dealing with love. romance and sex.

Whether taking the advice humourously or seriously, (and you know I sometimes did both) I can't help but wonder;  was the advice women decoded from it bad for us?

If you've watched even one episode, then you know that the characters were an over exaggeration - most of the time- of how people react to things. We all go through these times of panic and fear that things aren't working out right.
Hell, I made a name for myself doing it.  But the show did it with such a degree of satire that on the surface it looked normal.  And to some maybe it is?

With the new show Carrie Diaries about a month away, I thought I would start to give some attention to the original show (may add the books and movies, may not haven't decided yet)

So over the course of the next while (basically between now and the debut of Carrie Diaries) I thought I would talk about some of the episodes.  Consider it a movie review of the episodes (yeah that really made more sense in my brain but I can't word it any better right now)

So to kick it all off, in true Carrie Bradshaw style... I couldn't help but wonder, in a world that is all about self gratification instantly, is there room for improvement and are we willing to wait for it?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I look that bad?

I was out at the grocery about an hour ago, and my Uncle was with me. He was carrying the basket.
Standing in line, and one of the guys who stocks the shelves came over to see if I needed any help, and Uncle answered before I could.

"No, he's got me... I mean she's got me.. SHE's got me. I'm her Uncle, carrying stuff."

Me-: "Do I look that bad?"

He just sniffed giggled and popped his gum. I caught a glimpse of myself then in one of the doors of the frozen food and felt hideous.  Yeah, I'm looking like Jabba the Hut with glasses.
But I have to wonder what or who made Uncle so nervous? 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Wash your feet

Mom was on the phone with my sister about a half hour ago asking how everything was going with my brother-in-law since the situation few weeks ago with the fire.
He's healing, but still in a lot of pain and starting to become a pain in the arse because he still can't go back to work.
Middle of the conversation, mom pulled the phone away from her ear and I could hear someone screaming in the background.  After a few minutes, mom was laughing, and I could hear my sister laughing on the other end of the phone. 
Sister is step mom to four kids, three boys and one girl.  The girl is under 12 years old (seriously I haven't paid attention to the ages) and she was screaming because when she went into the oldest boy's room looking for cash (yeah she's got a stealing issue) and found his playboys.
Sister said the kid came running out of the room with it holding it by the corner, jumping from one foot to the other like it was a dead animal. 
When sister asked why she was dancing around like that, the kid said she stepped on it. 
Hence the laughter from my sister.  

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Dirty Laundry 21

"Ever thought that Mr. Scratchy hasn't come forward because he knows when he does, he'll end up all over the blog?" my aunt said this afternoon as she sat having a cup of tea

 Me-:"Then that would make him a coward and he's holding up the ending."

 Aunt-:"the ending?"

 Me-:"The ending of this chapter in our lives and the ending of the blog. When there is a happy ending, there will be no need for the one blog anymore. Well, take it into a different direction anyways. I'm finding it hard to believe in a happy ending now anyways. This has just dragged on for so long. I just want to know so I can move on with my life."

Aunt-:"Then what will you do? And what if he's not who you think he is?"

Me-:"Things are starting to lean towards it being someone other then the popular thought. I really believed he was The Celebrity, you know."

Aunt-:"And now you really believe it's not? Really?"

Me-:"This has been going on for the last few years. But yeah, I really believed it was up till yesterday. And I checked the usual physical stuff in the beginning, you know. Changed soaps, changed laundry cleaner, didn't have any dry skin still don't. It wasn't a physical reason; the scratching. Then when it started happening at certain times of day on a schedule...anyways, I thought I figured it out back when I started to see evidence of the wrestlers reading my blog back few years ago. So who the hell is it?"

My aunt shrugged just saying what she always says "It's just not time yet. You'll know when you're suppose to know."  
She's a life coach, that's pretty much her mantra. 

I thought about that for a few minutes.  You know, I'm really upset over a bunch of issues right now, and this is just weighting me down. 
A buddy of my cousin's sent him a link to an article, which in turn he told me about.  
Which really narrows down who Mr. Scratchy is.  Or I should say eliminates who he's not.

I've been for the last few years, going on two things; the omens (right side of body itching means soulmate is thinking of you,  if your nose is itchy it means you have a secret admirer, my nose was only itchy for the first few days till I saw The Celebrity write something that was obviously connected to my writing; so that means I know who my admirer is or at lest know of them.) and my stats on all my blogs reading the hits corresponding to  Mr. Scratchy being in the U.S.

My cousin's buddy was talking about The Celebrity being in Japan for the last few months. Which means, he's not Mr. Scratchy. At lest, not currently.
So therefore, Mr. Scratchy you really have no reason for not having stepped out of the shadows. And you've played me, my readers and everyone else who's been part of the conversations.You've let everyone think you were someone you're not. You let me believe you were The Celebrity. 

Aunt-:"So what do you know for sure? And think about that before you answer. There's the logical truth and then there is the spiritual truth."

Me-:"I know nothing for sure. Someone in the wrestling industry who lives in the States. That's it. Someone who wanted me to believe they were The Celebrity. Which seems like a shitty thing to do."

Aunt-:"Well, like I said, when you're suppose to know, the universe will let you. Mr.Scratchy will appear like magick."

Friday, November 23, 2012

Dirty Laundry 20

"Wow no one has anything nice to say about him"  Walsh said leaning over my shoulder  as he told me about a thing he'd seen online about The Celebrity.

 Me-:"Why do you show me these things? Besides, that was a few years ago look at the date on it."

Walsh-:"I still don't know why you like this guy?"

Me-:"Vampire with a soul?"

Walsh-:"Do I think he's a vampire, yes but do I think he has a soul, doubtful."

Me-:"Gushing over the wrestler more so then the man, I don't know a damned thing about the real guy only what I've seen on tv and the year he worked on the company blog. Why the hell did you feel the need to show me this? Trying to ruin the image I have of him."

He was dropping off his sister for mom to babysit. I was wondering if he was looking after his sister to begin with why he didn't just let her stay with them for the night?  Which I stupidly asked and the kid who's 6 years old, (you know the one from my uncle's second marriage) answered me saying that her other sister was scary now.

Ah, so their sister was  back from rehab and she was staying with Walsh and his wife and kids for a few weeks to make sure she didn't relapse.   Understood.

Then the kid turned around and asked me why I was back at my mom's.  That kid is too smart for her own good.

Me-:"I don't want to be alone right now."

Walsh pointed at the computer and laughed. "Ever think that maybe there is no difference?  That the character he plays on wrestling is what the man is like in real life?" he dropped his voice so that the kid didn't hear him. "Maybe he's just a douchbag? "

Me-:"Don't ruin him for me. The less I know about the real man he is when the cameras stop rolling, the better I can like the wrestler and the better I can keep him in my writing."

Mom was half listening to all this while getting supper for the kid. "Huh?"

Me-:"when I write. I can't get into a character when I write, specially the hero in my novels if I can't have the room for dreaming about them. If I know too much it ruins it for me and I can't picture the guys the way I need to, to build a world around them."

Mom-: "Why don't you just create from scratch?"

Me-:"Most of it is. Just always works better if you have the beginnings. Like the way the character looks."

Mom-:"I still don't get it."

Walsh-:"I do, I think. Anyways, I have to go. Dad will be by tomorrow to pick you up."

My cousin left, and I would be lying if I said he hadn't pissed me off just a little.  It just seems to me that over the last 7 years, everyone I talk to has something to say about The Celebrity and the fact I still like him.

Can I have one of those

I'm stuck on a character in my latest story.   The best friend, a supporting role so to speak.
He's like the warm cup of tea on the cold afternoon instead of the shot of bourbon, the sweet scent of apples and cinnamon instead of the sharp tack of mint and lemon.
He's there, just to the left of my mind, waiting, wanting my attention.

Now, if I could just figure him out in the plot of the story as well as I just wrote that paragraph I'd be golden.
And I've tried writing the piece without him, but it doesn't feel right.  I know what he looks like, I know what he sounds like when I close my eyes, can imagine him down to the length of his sideburns. But I can't seem to settle on what to have him do in the story.

Why is he there?  Other then to be the balance to the lead character?  Sometimes it's the supporting characters that are hardest to write. The ones that need the most attention.
The backbone of the story.

post it Morning Nov 23rd

Is it too much to hope that readers come to my blog because of me, and not because of a screen shot I did of a wrestler?
As hot as The Other Guy is,  and we all agree that boy is hotter then hell in a bathtub; I'm tired of looking at my stats on my other works to find that I have two hundred and fifty hits to old old old posts because people were searching for photos of him.
Yeah, I know, I did it to myself by spending the majority of the last 7 years blogging and writing about wrestlers, but doesn't change the fact it would be nice to know someone likes my blog cause of me.

Well, Mr. Scratchy, how's your Friday starting?
As you can tell, mine is not off to the best form at all. Feeling like it's just really time to reinvent myself.  I mean, why not, wrestlers do it all the time. Move from one company to another changing their stage name. Creating a new gimmick for themselves.  Why am I stuck?  Or at lest I feel like I'm stuck.

I assume Herman, that you live in the same timezone as I do, but for all I know, it's not Friday yet where you are, or maybe it's already Saturday? 
Either way, I hope when you read this, your day is better then mine.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Friends or lovers?

I just finished watching a movie about a couple who start off as slightly disinterested pawns who end up realizing that they are perfect for each other.
Which, seems to be the main recipe needed for any decent romantic comedy.

I went from watching that, to reading an article on an online magazine about men and their secret love for plus size girls.

I've been on both ends of the extreme with my size -more then once, and have to say that what seemed to be true for the author of the article, isn't always true for the rest of us. 
The author commented on the fact that she's always the best friend, but she's also the one who the guys are hitting on constantly.

Must be nice.

This whole thing has got me thinking.  During the years I've been at or over the 200 pound mark, I've been the girl all my male friends spend their late night chat time with, the one they spend Sunday afternoons with watching wrestling, been the one they ask to help pick out stuff for their mom's for xmas. To the point many times their parents, my mom, and our mutual social group would ask if we were dating.

During my under 180 pound mark times, I've been the one calling my male friends asking what should I wear for the drinks with whomever I was having my heartbroken by at the time. And less often to be spending Sundays hanging out watching the martial arts movie fests. In fact, in my thinner times, my male friends seem to have no interest at all in hanging around.

So I'm confused.

I'm only useful if I'm over a size 18?  Yet at the same time, I'm viewed as less desirable because I'm not thin, therefore ugly.

Still confused.

It's like that episode of Sex and the City in the first season when Carrie and Mr. Big go to dinner in this shady place and bump into a male friend of Carrie's who's dating the fat girl that he is ashamed of, who ends up dumping him for his commitment issues. (season 1 episode 6 Secret Sex)

Life really does not get easier as you get older. Just more mind fields to discover.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

post-it Nov 20th 2012

I haven't written a post it note in a while Mr. Scratchy.  But I'm still here. Are you?

I have been writing the last while.  Another new story, about this guy and his jealousy issues.  Are you a jealous man Mr. Scratchy?
I think everyone gets jealous to some degree at times in their lives. It's a human emotion and it's a case of who can handle it better then others.

I'm looking forward to the new show Carrie Diaries,  which I talked about in my last post. Hoping it will start a small spark for me the way the original show SATC did.

Am I allowed to say that the dude in Company #1's new branch who also has two toned hair, is hot... too late I said it.

Okay Herman, I imagine you to be checking into this tonight, after work. I actually think you're in a hotel having been at work for wrestling. I know, I have been avoiding talking too much about that haven't I?   Anyways, I think you just got in and are tired, sore, and looking for something to help you sleep.
So of course you would think of me and my blog.    Well, Mr. Scratchy; hope all is well on your end.

Monday, November 19, 2012

What would Carrie do?

The start date for the prequel to Sex and the City,  the Carrie Diaries has been announced. 
January 14th at 8pm.  A Monday night. Also a prime slot for a show about teen turned fashion queen. It will be taking over the spot currently being warmed by one of CW's long running shows.

I loved the books that this show is based on, the original tv show and it's original book is still one of my all time favourites.  But, I'm not sure how well this offering is going to fair.

The two books - Carrie Diaries and Summer in the City,  happen during the early to mid-1980's. And unless this show decides to follow Carrie through the 80's into well 1998 when SATC starts, I don't see how good it will be.  I don't think too many fans will be able to stick with it if it stays within a short time frame.

With all that said, I also know as each season progresses, so will the decade. 

I guess, after the last few decade specific shows like Pan-Am, that failed; I'm worried Carrie Diaries won't be given the chance to become what SATC fans have grown to love.

I'm greatly looking forward to seeing how Carrie Diaries will handle itself, and hope it survives to at lest a third season.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Oh my...

Back and mom's and we got a phone call from my sister. They were at the hospital.  My brother in law got burned.  Half his face and his hands.
He was working out in the backyard and poof.  Something exploded and his sweater caught on fire. He managed to get it off, but not before his face from his nose to jaw was burned, eyebrows gone, and both hands to the wrists.  2nd degree burns.

This family is cursed.

Locked out

Banging on the windows of the building about twenty minutes ago.
Then shouting.

the Party Girl downstairs in the apartment below me, had locked someone out.  Sounded like a female voice screaming, don't know if it's her sister or roommate or girlfriend or what, but from the screaming they were doing in the doorway of the building, it had to do with the locked out one having stayed at a party until dawn.

Ah, to be young and stupid.  Don't miss that kind of stuff at all.

Well, there was nothing for me to do but to put on a cd to drown out the noise.   This building is terrible for fights.   Heavy goth music with my coffee, what a way to start a Saturday.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Hopefully you'll get what you wanted

I went to the mall today with mom. Just before leaving the building, we bumped into Sophia's mom and her boyfriend.
I may add that she's dating a man younger then I am.  Yes folks, she's nearly 35 years older then he is.

Sophia's mom spotted us and came over with this grin on her face.  Which is about all that is left of her.  She had her stomach stapled few years ago and is a walking skeleton now.  Said she's down to about 95 pounds. Which for a woman who is nearly 6 feet tall, not the best thing.
The first thing out of her mouth was that Gilly (Sophia has two younger sisters) was finishing off her degree for medical lab work.  The next thing out of her mouth was that everyone else in the family were about to push off to Toronto.  The she tugged on her pants showing the belt she has to use, and talked about how she's still loosing weight from her surgery and that she was wearing a clothes from the junior miss sizes. Then informed us that her youngest daughter who's not even 19 yet has a second child who is a year old.

Not once did she ask how mom or me were doing.  It wasn't until she mentioned that they were currently living with the youngest daughter, that mom made a comment about me having been back and forth the last 8 months at her place, cause of my surgery.
Sophia's mom never even asked what my surgery was for.  Her boyfriend just stood there giggling rocking from side to side on his feet, his hands deep in the pockets of his sweatpants.

When I look at the two of them, I keep thinking of the old nursery rhyme about Jack Sprat... jack sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean so between them both they licked the platter clean.... only he's the 300 pounder and she's a stick figure.

While all this was going on, the guy who runs the health food supplement store was pacing back and forth listening to us.  He was cute.  Had I been alone, I would have gone over there and tried talking to him.
I'm sure he was calculating how much product he could push on one of us given that mom, myself and Sophia's mom's boyfriend are all small hippos. 

I don't know what annoyed me more, the fact they never asked us about how we are given we haven't seen them in over a year, or the fact she was going on and on about the weight loss and making comments about her boyfriend's weight?
Cause I'll tell you, he sure didn't look like he was having the best self esteem moment.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Cup of tea

I wish I knew what you wanted me to say?

I was pestered by some random emails to join some new blogging thing.  I put them off for days, and today decided to check them out. 
So far, I'm not happy with them.

I think I pissed someone off on a fan page thingie too.  The person was asking a wrestling question and I gave an honest gut reaction.  They never replied back.  So who knows.

Have I mentioned that the last few years I have found it almost impossible to make friends? 

I'm starting to feel like the character on The Big Bang Theory, the Amy character. 

I know, this would be an excellent chance to do one of my posts where I compare the show to my current life and give a life lesson, only I just don't want to.
That's bad isn't it?

I just want to sit here, drink my earl grey tea and talk to someone.  Someone who does not live in my mother's building.

The drama has ended.  With the blockbuster no longer here, and the coffee shop gone there are no hang outs left in the neighbourhood.   And as far as the grocery store goes... what's the point?  
Drama Queen has moved out of the neighbourhood...thank god, and even Sophia and JTGG have both moved to Toronto.

Wow.  Everyone who had been a part of my life up till last January is gone.  Most of them moved, a few just...whatever. They poofed off into the darkness or something.
This has been the hardest year of my life. The emptiest, loneliest.

My aunt who is a life coach, told me to sit down and write the life I want.  It stumped me. It really did.  I have no idea how to write a new chapter as she put it.  No idea what it is I really want my life to look like.
I just know I want to share it. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Random Sunday afternoon Nov 4

Munsters Go Home!   is on tv.  Not the best of the Munster's movies, but cute none the less.

There is something about my family, and the people around us (ie sister's friends, people we grew up with etc) that just naturally expects every woman to date/marry a man older.  Why is that?

One of my uncles was going on about it earlier and when I asked why he thought that dating a younger man was a bad thing, he said it had to do with evolution.

That's bullshit. 

I know back in the day of Jane Austen, men did not even consider getting married till they were at lest 30 years old, unless they had money.  Even then, they were encouraged to marry very young girls.  They were expected to have made their wealth before they could marry.

But now?  Now, it is encouraged in the last five or so years for a woman to be the one with all the wealth. 
But that's not what my topic today is.  Today my topic is that my family believes you are lowering yourself if you are a woman who marries or gets involved with a younger man.  Money or not.

No one has a real answer for me either.  I just get told "it's just the way it's done"  and "it's just the evolution of it"  and "it means he's smart."   really? you're giving me that as an answer?

All I know is that my whole life I've liked younger men.  I've dated guys who were only a year younger, and guys who are up to nine years younger.  

Okay, back to my Munsters movie

Thursday, November 1, 2012

post-it Nov 1st 2012

Hallowe'en night, and everyone is out but me.  I'm at home watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show, in true geekiness like I do every year.
My dorkdom knows no ends.  Coffee, pumpkin pie and a crazy movie.

But that's fitting to talk about on here.  The loss of innocence and the seduction of flesh. In every sense of the word.
The sexuality of it is there, you can't run away from it any faster then you would a hungry werewolf. But it's also about control, manipulation, fear, and body parts.
It's Hallowe'en, I had to get a jab in there didn't I?

Have we as a society actually moved into a state where we can truly handle the ideas in this movie?  The idea of tolerance to the ultimate degree? 
I'm not just talking about the sex and drugs that are there but the rebellion of ego?  When Brad and Janet first come to the house, they are following traditional puritan values, but Columbia was a  complete devotee. Having let go of her own ego and blindly agreed to live in the shadow of Frank'n'Furter.

Rocky Horror Picture Show opens up so many different points of conversation. Just it's tagline for the dance number, "don't dream it be it"  seems to be a reinforced creed, of  permission of trusting that everything is better if you just let go.

As I sit here thinking about this film tonight Mr. Scratchy, I have to wonder if you're not watching it as well on your end of things?  Maybe you're coming home from a midnight showing of it, and reading this before heading to bed?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Random Tuesday Oct 30th

Someone in this building is always crying.  And this time, it wasn't me.
But it was a woman, so I'm guessing it was either the Party Girl who lives below me or the mysterious new neighbour's wife cross the hall who I haven't seen who was pregnant.

Either way, whomever she was she was standing in the main lobby doorway crying for most of the night.  Couldn't see her, just heard her but I know it was the doorway cause it was echoing.

I have no sympathy anymore, this building has tried to kill me more then once.  No, Mr. Scratchy, I'm not exaggerating.  Broken my leg on the stairs first year I was here, had my car accident while living here, broke my foot in the bathroom here, shattered my knee out on the driveway.  Not too mention all the bad luck with being betrayed all happened here, by my cousin, half my exes, my production crew from the vampire movie that never got finished... I swear, this building is like a black hole for luck. Total Amityville over here.

Married people don't stay married here. Couples don't stay together here. I've noticed that too.
The landlords bought this place 10 years ago, and right away, she moved in and he stayed at their house. Divorce was the theme for two years.
I had three relationships go south while she was here. Then she left went back to the house, and he moved into the building. Ironically, took her old apartment.
With him, came the unstable party people. Every few months. No one stays, and no one stays in relationships. There is always someone in the lobby fighting and calling the cops on the other claiming this or that.
Someone from the across the hall apartment always, and I mean always, ends up being taken in for domestic abuse.
But, it's only been since the landlord moved in.

Bad luck, negativity and general aura of a person always follows to where a person lives. Good luck, positivity and the general aura will too, if that's what you give.

Trust me Mr. Scratchy; Herman, if I could afford moving, I would have.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Post-it notes Oct 26th

Mr. Scratchy; Herman, I just finished watching the tv special  Mockingbird Lane.  The remake of the Munsters. It was light and likable.
Did you catch it?

And it made me think about my own situation.  Scars, silliness, Dracula cookies. Anyways, I couldn't not come in here and leave you a post it after seeing a Munsters show.

I imagine you tonight Mr. Scratchy, sitting there reading this, a cup of tea in hand, that dog I think you have tangling around your feet trying to trip you up, a handful of hallowe'en candy. 
I imagine you nodding at me for writing this, mumbling the original theme song from the Munsters.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Post-it Oct 25th

The few nights ago, my mother went over to my aunt and uncle's for dinner.  Uncle had surgery on his hip. Anyways, my aunt sent back this massive pan with the left overs. My mother finished everything off finally, and my cousin came to pick up the roasting pan.
I went outside for a few minutes with him while he had a smoke.

Walsh-:"Thought you went home?"

Me-:"I did. Came back on the weekend. Going back home tomorrow."

My cousin shook his head with this grin on his face. "What went wrong?"

Me-:"Nothing really, just found my place too quiet. Like horror film too quiet. Just came back for a few days."

Walsh-:"So you're leg is doing better then? You look like you're walking better."

Me-:"Yes my leg is as good as it's going to get. Just had a bit of a panic cause of the stairs and stop laughing. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, seriously. How am I suppose to live there when I can't even carry my purse myself up and down the stairs with me? Have to use a cane just to get up and down them. Changing subject now. How's everything with you?"

He shrugged and tossed the cigarette, pulling his hood up cause it was raining still. Had been half the day.

Walsh-:"Fine."     His sister is in rehab again, and his wife just started a new job that it sounds like she won't be keeping because her best friend is already talking about quitting.  His life is still more interesting then mine is.  "You know what I don't understand, why you put up with it?"

Me-:"You lost me there dear. Put up with...?"

Walsh-:"Mr. Scratchy never wishing you get well in all this."

Me-:"Ah. I see. None of the wrestlers who read me did either so..." my turn to shrug.  I know this had nothing really to do with me, he was upset about his sister.It looks like she may need a liver transplant once she's sober enough.  He said nothing just put his hands in his pockets and let out a deep breath.  "When I was in hospital after this happened, I was there what, five days; totally unable to get around, not able to get online. On the night before I came home, the right side of my body exploded with itchiness. So Mr. Scratchy was thinking of me, like constantly. I must have looked like a freak with the scratching. Anyways, when I got home after that five days, and logged online, I saw that there were major hits to the works I do, and some to a spot on the internet that I don't think Mr. Scratchy or my wrestlers read. But, it looks like they had in that last two days I was in hospital. And I mean like in a panic, cause they knew I wrote every day on the one spot. And they sort of went looking for me.  So, I know I was missed. Would I have liked a get well from some of these guys, yes but you know..." 

I sort of didn't know what to say or do. My cousin has always been the rock in the family that everyone else depends on. I haven't seen him undone since our grandmother died over a decade ago.


Me-:"They worried. He worried. What do you want me to say?  Just because Mr. Scratchy or The Celebrity or The Other Guy or whomever else in the industry didn't say hi yet, doesn't mean they want me dead. Okay, maybe The Celebrity wants to duct tape my mouth shut but..." 

We talked a bit more about his sister, and then he got a call from his kids asking him to pick up some ice cream on the way home. He is not the same guy he was a year ago. He worries more.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Lazy Cobwebs

I remember him naked, sitting on my bed playing the bass. His eyes were cast sideways as he tried to look cool. Though, I must say, it's difficult for anyone to look cool while being naked trying to balance a large green bass guitar.
He wore a skull ring that I hated. Never took it off.
Always tasted of beer and weed no matter what.
I came across a stack of photos of him that I had tried to forget existed. I tucked them back away in the envelope and back in a box.

I found a manuscript, the first draft of something in another pile of notes and short stories. This time of a man with sandy coloured hair and ocean blue eyes. Better times.
A man I've studied and stared at, a million times over the years, but never met. Inspiration enough that literally engulfed me out of the blue one day.
Who knows where that image and imagination might have led? A best seller maybe?

If sex complicates things, then doesn't reality as well?  

In the beginning, the ex tried to be the muse for me. He did things to end up being photographed, drawn, written about. It was nearly exhausting trying to keep him in the spotlight.

In the end, The Other Guy was just naturally a muse for me. It only became difficult when I learned that people were actually paying attention.

There is a part of me that thinks The Other Guy doesn't get all the credit he deserves. Whatever his reality is, it's a lot less complicated then mine.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Post-it Oct 18th 2012

So I have been home for a full day.  Still adjusting to being back in the hovel.
Looking around at the bits and pieces of my life. Nothing feels like me anymore. I know, it's been just over 7 months, but I feel detached from everything here.

I've seen the neighbour from across the hall three times since I've been back.  Getting his mail, taking out the trash, talking to one of his buddies at the door for awhile.  But haven't seen the wife or kid?  It was only two months ago, when I met the new neighbour and he told me his wife was about to have their first kid any day.
So where are they?  

Well, Mr. Scratchy; Herman, it's been raining here all day, just the way I like it. Dark, cloudy, that October chill. These are the days when you just want to curl up on the sofa with someone and drink some hot chocolate or something.

I'm just trying to sort out where I fit in; in all this?  This doesn't really feel like my life anymore. Doesn't really feel like my "home" anymore. Just feels like a giant storage closet.  With a big layer of dust from 7 months of non-use.  Dreading the housework ahead of me, housework is just not sexy.

Other then the mystery of the neighbours, there isn't much going on today here.  Just settling back into this place. Trying to find the balance between who I was before the knee injury and who I am now. Which is odd when you think about it. Who would have thought a broken bone would change your world both physically and emotionally? 

Okay Mr. Scratchy, I hope you're afternoon is going well. I imagine you reading this maybe on your coffee break from all that research I believe you are doing for that thesis, I think you are working on. I imagine you reading this, scratching your head, maybe wondering which of your buddy's costume party to go to for Hallowe'en?  Go to the one who's having the Rocky Horror Picture Show theme.  RHPS... now there's an idea for a blog theme... anyways, hope I brought a smile to your face Mr. Scratchy.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Random Sunday night

What would you be willing to do for the person you loved?

Fairy tales tell us that we are suppose to either fight to the death for love, or let them go becoming a martyr for lost love.

I'm a hell of a lot more selfish then what the fairy tales tell us to be.  Personally, if someone doesn't want to be with me, I see zero reason to fight for them. At lest, I have never bothered to this point.  If a guy has cheated, that's it why would you want to fight for that?
And if a guy just doesn't want to be with me then why would I want to fight for that?

I'm watching Once Upon A Time, and one of the characters is in love with a man who picked another woman, yet she follows him like she stands a chance.  Fighting with him, for him. 
I just can't seem to get my head around that. Why would you want to torture yourself like that?

Twilight Saga,  has this offer yourself up for the one you love, and pine away when they turn you down thing going on.  Don't understand that either. 

I don't know if it's just where I've been broken hearted so often, or if it's just a case of me being me?  But as much as I would love for this whole situation to neatly turn out like it did on Sex and the City, with a big happy ending for everyone, I don't see one at the moment.

With that all said,  what would you be willing to do for the person you loved? 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Post it Oct 10th 2012

I actually made it tonight to the cinema Mr. Scratchy.
And as I sat there, watching this film that was a love story and about family; while I was sitting surrounded by a room full of couples, and families, I felt so out of place.   Alone.

I go to the cinema by myself all the time, or I should say I did until my knee injury, so I have no idea why it got to me tonight. Must have been the movie.
I'm like the only one in my family who enjoys going to movies and shopping and going for coffee alone.  The rest of the people in my family won't.  But that's something else for another time.

Tonight Herman, I just felt alone.

Anyways, I imagine you reading this tonight, dressed in something warm, those pajama bottoms and a long sleeve shirt, a mug of hot tea in hand, maybe it's Earl Grey, a stack of research to one side of your desk and a stack of art journals on the other side.  I imagine those art journals are open showing off sketches that you're in the middle of.  Maybe they are even of fellow wrestlers.  Stuff you drew while sitting around one night in the locker room or while traveling. 
I imagine you pushing up the wire rimmed glasses, your dog by your chair, and some weird Japanese rock band on in the background. That's too weird... make it some unknown punk band you were introduced to once or something.  Something that reminds you of really early Billy Idol or something.
And while I think of all that going on around you, you are reading this wondering why Herman, Mr. Scratchy, I haven't been snatched up yet by a real magazine? 
Hope I made you smile Herman.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mindless Monday October 8th

I'm sitting here right now, blogging when I should be at the cinema.   I had asked my sister two weeks ago, when she invited my mom to Thanksgiving dinner (Canada has it a month early from the U.S.) with her and her family.   She said if they didn't have to pick up the kids she'd be able to take my crippled ass.
The kids were dropped off last night, so they did not have to pick up the kids.

I got up, got ready and waited.  And waited, and waited.  Sister wasn't answering when mom called. Fifteen minutes after the movie had started, my sister buzzed asking if mom was ready to go.

It was beyond too late to go to the movie. 

There is another showing at 4:45pm.  I'm debating on if I should bother calling a taxi and going to that one?  That, would cost me $80 total - for taxi there, the movie which is a 3D and therefore more expensive to begin with and a taxi home.

I'm sitting here now, upset, typing this thinking.  I was watching Sex and the City earlier, and watched the episode  "Secret Sex"  where this male friend of Carrie's is having a relationship with a girl he's not wanting to introduce to anyone because she's not pretty enough. 
That is how my family has made me feel my whole life.

But this whole thing today with my sister made me think of the millions of times over the years when I was growing up, of the broken promises from our dad.  So many times he would promise to take me and my friends to the mall, to the movies, swimming etc and we'd be ready to go and he'd be late.  So late to the point we'd miss the event and my friends' parents would already be back to pick them up.  And of course when dad did show up, he'd be too drunk to stand up.
My sister was not drunk, she's just a bitch.

This today, was never about the movie.  It's just a movie which will be out in 3 months on DVD.  What upset me was the broken promise. 

Relationships are only as good as the trust and honesty people are willing to put into them. Doesn't matter if they are between lovers or friends or siblings.   When you are not willing to be the person you make yourself out to be, you destroy the bonds that you might need in the future.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Love bites

I've been watching a lot of Vampire Diaries lately.  I just bought both season 1 and season 2 on DVD.
So far, the show seems to be more about family relations then it is anything else.  How the two main brothers deal with being vampires and the town they helped to found. 
Another sub-plot happens to be one character's dating a man who's exwife returns.

This whole situation has me thinking about relationships and how we define them.  I know, I've come back to this topic a few times, but it's something that is never truly black and white.

If someone is in your life for years, then disappears, either because of death, divorce or desertion, where does that leave you?
The short answer is hurt.   The long answer is so much more complicated.

Relationships, be them romantic, business or family; can turn you in knots at times.  And sometimes they leave you wondering about trust.
Other times you're just left having to clean up other people's messes.

This has all got me thinking, are we ever free of the bonds of the past, or are we doomed to keep falling into the same traps?

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

post-it Oct 2nd 2012

Ah, Mr. Scratchy, Herman; what ya been up to?
I've had nothing to talk about. Hence the silence on here all weekend. Next weekend is the long weekend here, Canadian Thanksgiving.  I plan to be bored.

I also plan on trying to watch at lest half of the Sex and the City marathon that is going to be on tv on the weekend.   See if I learn anything new about myself.

Okay Herman, I think you're sitting there tonight, wondering why I abandoned you, which of course I have not; dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a grey tee shirt maybe your dog is curled up beside you on the sofa, snoring and farting the way dogs do when they sleep, and I think that you've got the stereo on listening to your buddy's band.
I also believe Herman, that you either rented or bought Dark Shadows today just because you knew I'd be catching it today. Come on, admit it, you've got a crush on Johnny Depp. Everyone does, he rocks. Literally.

I have a feeling Mr. Scratchy, that things are heading for a big change in the next little while. I can't put my finger on what, just that something is up.
Maybe I'll actually find some happiness?

Anyways, Mr. S. don't forget to rinse out your tea cup otherwise they stain and you have to use steelwool to clean them.

Smiling yet?  Halloween's only a few weeks away.

Friday, September 28, 2012

post-it Sept 28th

I had a very odd day at physio therapy that started with my cab driver wearing a shirt for the DoubleStarr.
That was pretty groovy actually, as I rarely see anyone in this city wearing wrestling tees other then myself.  And the few I have over the years, has always been for Company #1 wrestlers, never guys from Company #2.
So I mentioned his shirt and soon learned that not only are we both big fans of the DoubleStarr, we both think he's got a great ass and a wicked smile.  I like his eyes, there's something deep and mischievous in those sapphire blue eyes of the DoubleStarr.

Anyways, in physio itself, my therapist was working with a new patient, and ever few minutes would say something and then direct it at me.  I agreed with what he was saying, but after a few minutes I let my sarcastic side take over.  I'm the only one who I've ever seen in that place argue with their therapist and not get booted out. 
As I was leaving, one lady who had been in the room same time as me, took the elevator with me, and asked if I knew the therapist outside of physio?

Me-: "No why?"

Lady-: "He doesn't flirt like that with me."

Me-: "He wasn't flirting with me. He's married and about to have a kid any day."

Lady-: "Sweetie, I've been around a lot longer then you and that guy was flirting with you."

This is the second time since April when I started there that someone thought he was flirting with me.

And while I was waiting for my cab back, I spotted this chick coming out of the building.  It was a local author/publisher that I had worked with back in 2009.  It didn't go well.  She was pregnant back then and she looked to be pregnant again today.  She spotted me and smirked and continued on to her car. 
This was the author who wrote a really bad book about the city and self published it.  She kept making promises to publish my work but never did.  In the end, all she had wanted was a groupie type to give her ego a boost.   Her book failed epically and her second one, didn't even make it to the local book stores because no one wanted to take it on after the trash of the first. 

So, Mr. Scratchy, Herman that was my odd day.  How has yours been going?
I can only imagine you reading this over your dinner, I'm thinking pasta; your fork poised halfway between your plate and mouth while you shake your head at me laughing.   Dressed in track pants and a plan grey tee shirt. Feel free to let the DoubleStarr know there is a 60+ year old male cab driver in my city ready to drive him anywhere. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

post it spet 25th 2012

I was walking out of physio therapy and I nearly ran into my ex ---.
He looked right at me and laughed.  He was with his wife and they were pushing a stroller. He's the one I mentioned a few weeks back about the Flicker and Myspace accounts.

Damn. That hurt. 
He looked just like he did when he last walked out of my apartment back in 2007.  Same hair, same beard, same vest and shirt.  Nothing about him was different.

Answer me this Mr. Scratchy, why is it that the two men in my life who actually meant something to me, who I believed when they told me they didn't want what I wanted, that they didn't want a commitment or to ever be married; got married to the next woman they got involved with after they left me?
Why couldn't they just say they didn't want that with me? 

There is a part of me that knows in this life time, it wouldn't have worked out.  A small part. The calm part.  But, the part of me, Herman, that nearly fell into tears on the cab ride home from physio therapy, just can't seem to understand. 

He ended up in the perfect relationship, and I ended up here, writing to an invisible man who many or many not be one of my all time favourite wrestlers. 

I'm not sure I can believe anymore in a happy ending.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

post-it sept 22nd

I'm sitting here listening to the song "You Don't Know Me"  the Michael Buble version. And I started to think about everything.
It's a beautiful song by the way. I've done a lot of blogging today, so I thought I would round out the night with a post-it note.

Well Herman, my Mr. Scratchy; how was your day?
I imagine you reading this tonight after having gotten in from your day,  a drink in hand and a large stack of sandwiches.  I think you're the type of man who eats raw tomatoes like others do apples. Seen any good tag teams lately?  I know that's an unfair question, but it's the first thing that popped into my mind while I was typing about the tomatoes.  I'm bored and evil.
I keep getting these mini-crushes that last for a few days on guys. Mostly wrestlers, but they keep dissolving with the idea of one man.
Not really you Herman, but then again, it might be. Might it not? 
You're a puzzle Herman that haunts me.  You know who I am, and I only have a base idea who you are. And even if I am right, I'm still in the dark cause I would still only know the glossy surface.
I had a short conversation with my cousin Walsh today.  It really got me thinking about stuff. About time and things that mean something to people. 
Mom had been babysitting his youngest sister and he came to pick her up.  When I asked him how his other sister was doing, the one in the hospital, he said he didn't want to talk about it.  Said he wanted to talk about something else, anything else.
We talked about my hobbies, his needing a new truck for work, and then he asked about you Mr. Scratchy.  Asked if you'd stepped out of the shadows yet?
I said that everything was the same Herman, that you are not a big talker but a great listener.  He laughed. 
Alright Mr. S. this is the part where I tell you what I think you're wearing.  I think you are reading this sitting around in a pair of your wrestling tights.  Hopefully they are black and red with a skeleton like thingie on the leg... cause I think it's laundry night. And I think you have this dog tag necklace that you're chewing on.
If I'm right then yay me, if I'm totally off the mark then I hope at lest you're laughing your ass off at me. Any chance to make someone smile and laugh is a good thing.

Okay, dream about Halloween and sleep.

Friday, September 21, 2012

He's really really off the menu

I am suppose to go for walks every day, so I went to the grocery after physio therapy for milk.  While I was there, I bumped into Storm. I had forgotten he had changed to afternoon shifts. 
He was talking about how he's getting sick and how his kid's sick.

Me-: "I thought your son lived out of town with your ex?"

Storm-:"I've got two kids. A 10 year old and a 1 year old." 

And then he turned from me not looking me in the eye.   Really, if he's suddenly got a one year old, then what the hell was he up to last summer with the asking for my number twice and the flirting and shit all year?

I'm sick and tired of the men in this city all thinking they can get away with stuff like that. That's why everyone in this city is related to everyone else. 

I'm sort of mad at myself for not listening to my own gut to begin with and letting the few people who talked me into thinking he was worth my attention.  I notice those people aren't around me anymore either.  Funny, how life rolls sometimes eh?

Actually, every time in the past a buddy has shoved me in the direction of a guy it's ended up being a bad situation.  Okay I think I've learned that lesson.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

post-it sept 20th evening

The bad thing about being into Wicca/Occult  is that, that's all anyone ever seems to want from you.
One of my very young teenaged cousins sent me a message through my mother's facebook, asking me for a spell to make the guy she has a crush on love her.
I hate when people ask me for love spells.  The worst part is, just because I say no, doesn't mean they won't go looking for them online or something. 

The problem with spells are, that when you do one for someone else your energy gets attached to them.  Which is why, it's not a good idea to work a spell for someone else unless it's life and death. Or, you are working together and just need that extra boost of energy.

Mr. Scratchy, Herman, I am now the meanest selfish cousin on the planet because I wouldn't share. 
I hope your day has been cooler then mine was.  And may I ask, what was up about 45 minutes ago? (around 9:45pm EST) 
Me, I'm stuck watching tv shows I have no interest in because I'm still stuck at mother's and she's catching up with the final episodes of all her shows from last season. 

Well, Mr. Scratchy, Herman; I imagine you tonight reading this with a raised eyebrow thinking about ice cream.  Well, actually I think you're sitting there reading this on your laptop eating ice cream... vanilla... dressed in a pair of grey and blue strip pajamas and a long sleeved grey shirt.  I still think you have a dog and that you just brought your dog in from walking it, and that you're ...planning a movie.  I have no idea where I got that from, just thought it was an interesting concept so let's run with it.  I think you're writing a screenplay about a vampire who happens to be a wrestler. No wait that's sort of already been done hasn't it... okay then I just imagine you there eating vanilla ice cream in your pajamas reading my ramblings with your dog beside you thinking about writing. 

I'm sure Herman, that brought a smile to your face.
Big hug. 

tidbits sept 20th 2012

I haven't seen the male nurse Greg in a few months.  I honestly figured he had left, been transferred or something.  But while waiting for the elevator this morning, he smashed into me.

He had been sitting at his desk at one of the nurse's stations on the main floor just across from the elevators when I got there, and in the time it took me to press the elevator button; he was up and across the hall. 
That's when he slammed into my shoulder. And yes he did turn back.  Didn't say sorry or anything, just smiled.

Okay, why is it that men seem to do that?  Is it a form of "hey" or "hi" or something without having to actually speak?   Or is it just totally being a dick?

I'm thinking I need to start hanging out in the hospital more often once I'm doing better.  After this mess is over and I have access to make-up, something to wear that is not the same thing all the time, and just feeling human, cause there is a fresh crop of hot male students roaming around that place now.
And it would be nice to actually meet a guy when I'm not looking like something scraped off the bottom of your shoe.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Post-it Sept 18th 2012

I finished reading the book today, that I mentioned while back.  The one about the guy obsessed with Japan.
It never really connected everything. I kept waiting for it to explain how his sex life really connected with his obsession for Japanese food and comics, but it was just sort didn't.   Still, a very good read.

And maybe that's the problem.  We look for how everything connects when sometimes they just don't. Sometimes things are just single puzzles that don't make sense outside of being something someone cares about?

I got another one of those "blah blah blah wants to meet you"  on an old dating site.  All I know, Mr. Scratchy, Herman; is that what I need isn't in this city. 

I need to confess something Herman.  My sister and mom were talking about my cousin the other night, the one who backstabbed me and is now in hospital. The one everyone thinks won't make it another year.  Anyways, they were talking about her the other night, and about how her boyfriend showed up at the hospital. Her dad found out and was angry.
And my first thought was how is it she always seems to have a guy?  And my sister must have known that was what I was thinking because she made the comment that the type of guys our cousin scores are not worth looking at.  They are all bar scum who have drug problems and diseases themselves. Which, is what our cousin is dealing with ontop of a liver and kidney meltdown.

 Then sister said the weirdest thing.  "don't think about it. You can do better then the meatballs she scrapes from the bottom; of the bottom of the barrel. Don't give up on your wrestlers."

Odd. My sister has those split seconds of positiveness once a year or so. I do mean split seconds, because then she was right back to mocking me about everything else.

No one is perfect. I have learned to admit that more each day, Herman.

Well, Herman, Mr. Scratchy; I hope you've had a decent day and that you're reading this while you're relaxing for the night. maybe with a large bowl of soup.
And wherever you are, I hope you're keeping safe.  Thinking of the next part of the teenaged vampire movies that comes out in a few months. 
See, made you smile. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012


Two things have me thinking about that word today.  Two very different situations.

First, I was watching the movie Bel Ami.   About the guy who seduces his way into proper society during the 1800's.
The story is about a guy who can not commit to a relationship. However, he has committed himself to making his mark in society, by the women he seduces and ruins.  It's such a twisted thought really. 
It's also a very common one. It's the type of man too many of us fall victim to. The rake as they were classed as in the 1800's. 
The people and things that we commit ourselves to says more about us then some of the actions we take.

Second,  my sister was over earlier and she commented about my Monster's Library project.  She was watching me add some stuff to a wish list in order to get a handle on the project, and said that when she first heard me talking about it last x-mas, she didn't give me a full month before I would quit. And here I am, nearly a full year into the project.

My reply was that was the pot calling the kettle black.  As my sister has never stuck with anything that she's done in the past.  She snarled cause she knew I was right and changed the subject. 

I'm really looking forward to the second half of this project in the new year. I think I might have unlocked an old passion that I should never have buried.

Usually when we hear the word, we think about relationships and how it connects us to other people. But how often when we hear the word do we think about the commitment we make to ourselves and the connections to our own self?
And no matter what, can we have one without the other?  If we're not committed to our own selves and our own passions, are we really able to commit to someone else fully?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Post-it Sept 13th

Mr. Scratchy; Herman, how was your week?
I've been keeping busy with physio therapy and working on a new project.  Well, getting some of the pieces I need for the new project, wont' be starting it for another few months.
I think I might have mentioned that a few days ago, I don't remember.

I was watching a movie few hours ago, and my mother was asking questions through the whole thing. The whole thing started when she asked who the lead actress was and why she was familiar looking.  I told her it was the chick from Twilight.  Less then a minute later, she asked if that was the one who'd had the messy scandal.
It was, and then she just went on about.  Through most of the movie, nearly ruining it for me. 

Laugh, it's okay. It would be good actually to know I could make you laugh.  Make anyone right now laugh and feel better.

I'm guessing, that you are reading this either while watching Company #2 given it's a Thursday, or maybe you're catching up with my ramblings after it's over, in a few hours. 
Either way, I imagine you tonight Herman, dressed in those stripped pajama bottoms, wearing a spare pair of glasses -maybe thicker in black- and I have no idea what makes me think that you are. Maybe, you broke your normal ones?  And I believe that you are sitting there with a large cup of hot tea... no not tea tonight, spiced latte. One of those specialty flavoured coffee that Starbucks only has for Fall. Eating a plate of brownies. 
Yes, I think you're treating yourself to a food binge night. Did you finish that painting I want to believe you've been working on?  Or maybe that thesis I have been believing you've been researching?
Either way, I hope your night is a relaxing one.  And I hope, Mr. Scratchy; Herman, that I've made you smile and given you a reason to think of me tonight.  In a good way.

Monday, September 10, 2012

post-it Sept 10th

Well, Mr. Scratchy... Herman, it's been a few days since I last left you a note.
Hope your day is going well. 

One of my other blogs has been emailed all over Britain.  Over a hundred hits from random places there to one of my blogs in the last few hours.  Sort of got me unnerved as I don't know if it's a case of someone liking my work and wanting to share something, or if someone was wanting to use me for a prank?
Hoping it all dies down soon.

Things are otherwise, as boring as ever here lately.   But enough on me today, how Mr. Scratchy, Herman, are you today?

I am guessing you are reading this after having come in from a run, maybe having been out at the gym today.  Is it Fall yet where you are?  Weather sure has dropped here in the last few days.
I thought I would come in here and just write you a short note, Herman, just cause I haven't written in a few days.
Besides everything else, I've got vampires on the brain.  Not much of a shocker there though I suppose.
But anyways... Mr. Scratchy, I hope your day is going well.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Friday night post-it Sept 7th

Big spider crawling up the wall, that no one seems to want to touch right now.  Icky.

Well, Mr. Scratchy, I'm going to give you a first name. I'm going to start calling you Herman.  As in the Munsters.  After all this time, I think it's okay.  Mr. Herman Scratchy... it works for me.

Okay, Herman, how was your day?  Did you have to kill any large spiders?  I imagine you reading this right now, laughing at what I just wrote.  It's time to lighten the mood.  The mood around here has been sort of blah all week.
So, Herman, I imagine you reading this right now, having maybe been out to a soccer game, because it's not time for hockey yet... lest not where I am.  I imagine you are dressed in those pajama bottoms, a very large mug of tea in hand as you avoid a large stack of research notes you have to do for something.  I like the idea that I'm a distraction from your real life.  It's a cozy idea.
I imagine, that you are drawing superheroes just to relax and unwind.  I think you'd be an excellent comic book artist.
Okay, Herman, I would like to ask what was up the last few days, as the right side of my body has been scratched off.    Is everything okay?  Should I worry? 
Anyways, Herman, I will wish you a good evening if you're reading this before 3am, and a good day if you're reading it after getting home from somewhere after 3am. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Post-it Sept 5th

Well, it's been an odd ... just odd.

It's been nothing but issues with people online today.  To top it all off Mr. Scratchy, my jaw hurts. I seriously don't know what I did to it, but just one more health issue right now.

Was coming in here to write something, and there was a computer/Blogger issue that just freaked me out and now I can't remember what I was coming in to talk about.
Yeah, it's been just little odd crap after another.

Anyways, Mr. Scratchy,  I imagine you tonight reading this dressed in dark jeans and a blue shirt.  Dark blue.  I imagine you have been maybe hanging out today playing video games.  I think you're a major gamer.
Do you ever miss me when I don't blog?  I think you do.  You miss my weirdness, and obsessive letters. 
Do many men keep diaries?  Do you Mr. Scratchy, keep a journal of your desires and dreams and just stuff from your day?  I imagine more men do then ever admit to it.
So, I imagine you tonight Mr. Scratchy, reading this, with a smirk on your face as you make yourself a cup of tea and write in your journal.   I hope there are some nice things about me in it. 

As always, Mr. Scratchy, I hope I brought some comfort to your day.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Is it the power or the person?

I'm watching the Cashmere Mafia marathon on Cosmo Canada, and it's got me thinking about affairs.

One of the main plots in the whole series (which only ran for 7 episodes)  is the long term married power couple falling apart because the husband has a string of affairs. Which come to a head when the husband crosses the unspoken rule of not having an affair with a friend of the wife. She then threatens to get even by having an affair of her own.

Throughout history affairs have been happening.  Some destroyed marriages, some helped to strengthen them (mostly in the 1770's between arranged marriages of royalty)

As someone who's seen affairs destroy lives, I have to wonder what it is that drives some people into those relationships?  If you're in a good relationship, why would you want to destroy it?

What is the draw of an affair? 

As a writer, the subject of affairs are ideal for moving a plot along. You can draw lines of villains, heroes, or blur the lines to create moral points. 

Real life is not a 250 page romance novel, and the fall out of affairs can ripple out to affect more then just the people having the affair.   

Would you tell your friend if you discovered their spouse was cheating on them or pretend you never learned about it?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

post-it 2nd Sept

Just spent the last hour and a half writing.  A new short story,  Mr. Scratchy about two demon/angel characters.  Let's see if I can keep the creativity going long enough to finish this one.
Inspired by two wrestlers of course, both from Company #3... okay were in Company #3, one of them is over in Company #1 now, just won a shinny new belt there too. 

I consider that to be productive Mr. Scratchy.  It feels good to get back to writing, even if it's only tablescraps here and there for a few pages.  Been way too long that I've been feeling stuck with writer's block.  Way too long.

Anyways, Mr. Scratchy; how is your long weekend so far?  I'm assuming where you live you have the four day long weekend like we do here in Canada?  

I imagine you today Mr. Scratchy, sitting reading this after supper.  Imagine you shaking your head at me for my latest short story, knowing that it won't take me long to add a character based on The Celebrity like I always do.  That was what derailed the last short story, I added a character based on him and it just seemed to become almost like two plots were happening.  So I imagine you shaking your head at me, a smirk on your face your eyes sparkling with mischief. I want to say that for once, you're imagining me sitting here writing this new short story.  Imagining my pale fingers smoothly hitting the keys in mad strokes of creativity.  And if you can imagine that Mr. Scratchy, then I wonder what else you've imagined my hands could do?  
Oh come on, I'm allowed to start being just a little less innocent with these post-it notes to you Mr. Scratchy.
Anyways, Mr. Scratchy; back to me imagining you... I think you are reading this dressed in a pair of shorts, with a torn pocket, a tee shirt that has your buddy's band on it, or your own band if you're in one. I think you've got a drink in hand, rye on the rocks, and a serious need to sleep.  I also imagine that you are laughing at me for the two wrestlers I was inspired by for this new short story. 

And as always, Mr. Scratchy; I hope I brought a few moments of pleasure to your day. Guilty or otherwise.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Sept 1st 2:49pm

So I am reading this book about this guy and his really messed up love life.
It's an autobiography about this confessed cheater, who spends half his life traveling back and forth from America to Japan, and his obsession with Japanese food.

And I stopped to make a cup of coffee.  While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, my mind drifted to the book and then just sort of hit on the date.  I think I had been unconsciously avoiding the calendar because of the date.
Six years ago today, on September 1st 2006; I had my car accident.  My life was changed massively.  Both for the good and for the worse. 

I'm not even half way through the book yet.  It doesn't really have chapters as much as parts.  But the guy keeps talking about how he did not connect his depression with his love life. 
Sounds sort of odd at first, given most people right off blame their lack of relationship for their state of mind/heart.

Honestly, I'm not finished reading yet, but so far I've gotten a total male version of Eat Pray Love  off of this.
One of the themes so far, is that the guy seems to want a relationship so bad that he is willing to pretend to be something he's not all the time.  The section I'm at in the book, just talked about him meeting this woman who hated the very idea of Japan, so he down played how big of a role it was in his life.
One of the first warning signs that he was being unfaithful to her and himself.

Hang with me, it will make some sense in a second.

After my car accident, when I was in the process of dealing with the post trauma of it in therapy, one of the things I realized and had to admit was that, I had been completely miserable before hand.  The people I had been surrounded by for the previous seven years were no longer healthy for me to be around, but I had been too much of a coward to break away from them. 
The circumstances of the accident allowed me to do so.   And I became happier for it.  I had been unfaithful to myself  by being around the people involved in the accident.

You seeing the connection with what the dude in the book was going through and how it made me realize something about myself and my own relationships...

And I know I've talked about the topic a few times over the years before, about how when we get into certain relationships, be them romantic or business; we sometimes give up too much of our self, of our passions and our dignity. How some people demand or manipulate us into believing we shouldn't have a voice or a life outside of them.