Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The groupie syndrome

I once heard Patricia Kennealy-Morrison, say  "everyone is somebody's groupie"   (well read it on her blog once actually)  It's a quote I have used a few times  and one I pretty much live by. 

I was getting stuff for supper, and for once the store was nearly dead, and I spotted two girls no more then about 15 years old trekking through the grocery giggling like mad; looking for someone.  It's not difficult to figure out they were there for either  Conrad or Zane.
Honestly, I did not stick around to find out.  Both of whom were in the stock room in back. 

Jealousy would have been my first thought, but when it wasn't, I shocked myself.  What went through my mind first was defeat.  Second, they're so young.  Next was, I guess we make idiots of ourselves over men at any age. And last was, everyone has groupies.  Then there was some jealousy and a slight bitterness. 

Simply because, Conrad has been starting to pay some attention to me and Zane is forever pulling the staring -look away-stare-smile-look away-stare-walk past bumping into my shoulder-  thing that guys like to do. 
I know, it's like high school never ended.

The difference between myself and these girls is that they knocked on the door to the back room; and demanded attention, and that's something I'd never dream of doing.  It's just not in me to be that bold.

Teenaged groupies 1   - Me  0

Monday, May 30, 2011

Clean up on aisle 7

Public displays of affection.  I'm all for it if it is innocent enough. 
Holding hands, cool. 
A small hug, fine.
When one wraps their arms around the other from behind leaning on their shoulder, makes me melt.

But dude, when you are in a store blocking the flow of traffic with people yammering at you from both ends of the aisle because you are making out hot and heavy with your mate, too much.   I mean, at that point when your hands are under clothing and zippers are half undone,  bad bad bad form.

Some of us might just be in a rush and just trying to find the damn nail polish.  The sign over the aisle said "make-up"   not make out.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Extra girl talk, hold the girl

Radar was on his way to work when I was on my way back from the book store.  We chatted for a brief few minutes about nothing of importance.  Then he made a comment about the blog.  Seems to me, whenever someone informs me they've been reading my stuff, a new level of uncomfortable  is reached.

"...it's like you're having an intimate conversation. But that's like the stuff you should be having with your girlfriends."  

Me-: "I don't have women friends. Not anymore, been stabbed in the back too many times over the decades."

Radar-: "What?" he shrugged tossing out his cigarette butt "How can you not have girlfriends?"

Me-:"I just stopped bothering to even try. Besides kiddo" {he stiffened and did not like me calling him that by the way}  "when you have girl talk with a woman, you don't get any results. Just more talk."

Radar-: "Um. What?" {he started to head into the gas station for another pack of smokes}

Me-: "If we're all talking about the same thing, with each other, women I mean; then all we've got are questions without answers, confusion, what ifs, and more questions. And we end up as clueless as we started. Just more sappy. I want answers, results, therefore, having the girl talk with boys makes more sense."

Radar-: "How's that working for you? How's that working for me?"  {he laughed a nervous laugh opening the pack of cigarettes}  "Is this going to end up in the blog? You need some more photos on it or something. Make it more interesting to look at." 

Me-: "I'll look into that. The photos I mean."

{At that point, Fanny who works at the bank came up to bum a cigarette off of Radar. I sort of got shuffled out of the conversation} 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Dear Mr. Scratchy

Dear Mr. Scratchy:
There are a few side bets on who you are going to turn out to be.  The most popular vote seems to be for The Other Guy. (Now that would be a complication to extremes)
There are a few who believe you're the Canadian Impact Dude.
A buddy even tossed out the idea that you might be from the 3rd company  (if only it were that simple Eh?) The Double Starr
And of course, a couple of votes are for The Celebrity himself. Most of which are from the few blog readers who actually check this mess every day. (everyone loves a fairy tale ending)
Who do I think you are?  Well, in keeping with the Sex and the City style theme,  I think you're Mr. Big to my Carrie.
Big kisses.

After JTGG had made the comment about how he does not think that when Mr. Scratchy reveals himself, that I will get my happily ever after; I started thinking. And went back over old emails and conversations.
Why is it, when you want something/someone no matter what/who that might be, 99% of the time the rest of the people in your life have a negative reaction to your desires?  What is it about people that makes them tell you that you can not have what/who you want, or that you don't deserve to be happy?

Is it fear? Is is jealousy? Is it their own insecurity?  All the above?

Whom ever you are out there Mr. Scratchy, I hope your week has been better then mine. 


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Fashion Rewind

Some of you might remember me talking about how I've been told I've lost my edge {Who's Your Andy Warhol} It's something that keeps being told to me. {Musician made the comment about a month ago that I need to start dressing up more}  That I need to get out of not just my slump, but my slumppy comfys too.

So in the spirit of trying too hard, I decided to pick up a Vogue magazine.  Something I have to admit I haven't done in about 4 years.
Four years since I've bothered keeping up with fashion, and for some reason; the first thing I see as I flipped through the June 2011 issue was stuff that looked familiar. 

Ironically the magazine seems to be doing a retrospective right now.  But it's got me thinking, just how much does fashion in cities as small as ours, matter?

Musician and I were on the phone last night for while, and the topic of first impressions was our main stay.  Both looking at it from a point of view of there being no real effort anymore in the people we are meeting. 
I admit, I've stopped trying.  The times in the past I have made an effort to look good for a date it's been wasted on guys who either did not show up or who told me I was too much of a high maintenance for them.  The rare occasions that I've gotten dressed in something other then track pants and over sized tees to go shopping or to a movie by myself, I've been mistaken for a hooker {I'm still trying to figure that one out}

When you live in a city where the idea of high fashion is the neon-orange crocks; how do you survive?

P.S.  I wear Nikes.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell

I'm not going to review this book.  I'm only going to talk about it like I did with my sister.  Which, is odd given my sister and I don't really talk much and she has not read the book.  But, today; we were both at mom's and I had the book with me.  She picked it up and asked how it was.  This after telling me about the book she's reading right now (The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas)
I told her about how the book had me on an emotional roller coaster, how it's gotten me thinking about my own time in high school and past relationships and past betrayals.  We shared a moment where we each had an "yeah I hated that friend/boyfriend of yours back then, they were a total douchbag." 

I also confessed to my sister the rest of what this volume in the Sex and the City world brought up for me, my fears on being a writer.
I was shocked to hear my sister's point of view on this. And let me just say, for anyone who doesn't know my history with my sister, we are not close. She is not the supportive best friend that most sisters are.  In the eyes of my sister (who is younger then I am by 8 years) I can not do a f*cking thing right. In her eyes, my writing aspiration is a joke. But for some crazy reason, she was sympathetic, understanding and supportive.  It's a moment I will keep in my mind for the rest of my life, as I know it will almost never happen again.

This is something I've been struggling with a lot in the last few weeks.  The Carrie Diaries has just made me sit down and really face this fear in the last 24 hours. I had a full blown meltdown yesterday because of the subplot of the book.  It just hit me way too easily.
It got to the point I wrote a very long blog post elsewhere on the internet and chickened out of actually posting it. 

For anyone who hasn't read this yet,  it's a prequel to the whole Sex and the City world.  I've heard people say they loved it, and I've heard people say they hated it.  Me, I loved it. As hard as it was at times to face, it's one of those books that I know I needed to read.
This one volume, is being geared to the teen market, but I don't really think it belongs to just the teen section in the bookstore.  I think this is a book everyone needs to read if they've ever been in a relationship where things went horribly wrong, or if they ever wanted to be a writer.  So basically, half the world should read it.

Tuesday Tidbits

Walking out of grocery to see Conrad coming in for work.  He spotted me and started to fidget with his hoodie like he was suddenly worried about how he looked. He's been away on holiday or something for the last few weeks {or so I am guessing as I have not seen him on shift lately} and I noticed he's gained a few pounds and I think grown about an inch taller {is that possible after the age of 23?}  I turned to catch him looking at me over his shoulder then blush wildly and started to look at his shoes.

That's new and I have to say exciting!  Maybe I should resume my pursuit of him?

As I walk out of the parking lot, I see Mr. iPod also leaving the building. He walks on to the edge of the lot and then a red car speeds up beside him.  There is a blonde girl driving and what looks like a little boy in the back seat.  He got in the car, blushing as he spotted me.

What is it about the guys around here with their blushing smiles lately?  This is all I seem to get from men, a shy blush and quick smile.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Random Monday - May 23rd

I woke up this morning to find an email from Musician.  I haven't heard from him in a few weeks.  The email simply stated that he'd had yet another date from hell last night.  The email went on to say that he arrived at the coffee shop to see this drop dead gorgeous woman enter the building same time as him, only it was not his date. His date was a large woman who he thought was "friendable but not f*ckable"  which seems to be all he ever says as of late.

Last time he made a comment like that, I replied by saying "Oh then she's on the same level as me." (statement not a question)   Where upon Musician hesitated before answering shifting his eyes a few times at me, forcing me to repeat my statement before he said yes. 
We were driving down the middle of the snow covered empty street heading to a new coffee place when that happened and the whole time I was thinking,  'if you don't think I'm your friend, why am I in your car?'

Here's the thing, two years ago, I was the one going on a string of horrible dates, now that I've slightly given up it seems to be all anyone around me is doing.  Is it just our city that seems to be freakishly romantically intolerant?

P.S. Happy Birthday to The Celebrity. Big kisses. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Compliment or Insult?

There have been more then a few men over the years, who have told me to "take it as a compliment" after the fact they came too fast when we had sex. I also heard this from male friends (only the straight ones) during question and answer periods on the topic.

Most women find it a bit of an insult when they are with men who are premature. Specially when it seems to happen with more then one sexual partner more then once.

We're left trying to figure out what we're doing wrong.  (okay guys, seriously what am I doing wrong here?)  And no matter how many times you tell us that you found us so f*cking hot in the heat of the moment, it still leaves some dents in our self esteem armor.  {specially when you add it to the numbers of men faking it}

What would Carrie Do?

I have to admit, that some of my all time favourite scenes from the show and movies of Sex and the City are the scenes every week when Carrie Bradshaw is sitting in her apartment writing and we get a close up of the computer with her question of the week.
I love it.
It's like writer's porn.

Here I am, awake; mind on everything but work, and decide to pop in Season 4 of SATC.   Did it help?  No. 
All it did was make me want to go shopping and snuggle up with someone who smells like woodchips and fake leather materials.[her boyfriend for that season Aidan is a furniture designer] Only, it's way past time for any stores to be open here and I have no one to snuggle up with.

Which of course is my main problem. Who would have thought that someone who writes about relationships and romance would be left out in the cold so often?
I'm suppose to know this stuff, yet I get left scratching my head {as well as the right side of my body} wondering when it's all going to fit together and make sense?

This is the point where I would ask "what would Carrie do?"  and flip through the episodes of the show till I found one that matched up enough with my issue and write up a blog post on it with the plots of the week, the question of the week, and make it all make sense with my own observations and my own question.
But, this time I'm coming up short. And I know what the character would do. She'd order bad Chinese, drink four Cosmos, call up her best gay man Stanford, get dressed in a killer outfit, hit the latest club, then go home to have phone sex with Mr. Big.
None of that is applicable here. None.

Oh the joys of having a fictional character as your hero.

Maybe I need to pop in season 2 ?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Random Friday- May 20th

"He was dragging you down. I say you're better off without him."   This from JTGG on the topic of the Musician having disappeared into thin air the last week.  I don't have many friends in this city. Lots of acquaintances, no real friends.  Part of me agrees with JTGG and part of me keeps checking my phone every hour to make sure it's still working. 

It is.

Changes are happening on every level for a lot of reasons. 

"Anyway, YOU have homework. You Darling, must, must must, introduce me to that sexy man who lives next door to you."  The short gay man giggled and batted his eyes.  No, honest, he batted his eyes.

Me-: What man who lives next door to me?  No ones moved into the apartment building.

JTGG-: Helloooo! Not your building. The one next door.  The house with the four mailboxes.

Me-: Hang on. How do you know there is a guy living in the building next to me and what makes you think he's gay?

JTGG-: I know! And I followed him from the pizza place down the street here.  The new one.

Me-: There is a new pizza place? Where?

JTGG-: By the tanning place.

Me-: There's a tanning place?  Since when?

By this time JTGG was starting to look like he was going to slap me and he's overly highstrung to begin with.

JTGG-: Anyway! I've seen him twice now both times on a Friday coming out of that pizza place and he lives next door to your building.  So do the neighbourly thing and have him over for coffee and find out what you can for me.  Better yet, have him out for coffee and invite me along.

Me-: What happened to Bobby?

JTGG-: Nothing.  I just want to meet this sexy guy okay.   {he started to swing his leg at the knee} So anyway {he rolled his eyes at me} What's going on with you?  Has your Mr. Scratchy {he did the air quotes there nice to know that no one takes me serious at all ever}  exposed himself yet?

Me-: No.

JTGG-: What happens if he never does? Then again what happens if he does.

Me-: Not thinking in the nots.  Thinking in the whens.  When he reveals himself.  I get my happily ever after don't you think? 

He shook his head at me

JTGG-: No actually.  You want me to do a spell?  I still have that Necronomicon spell book from back in high school. I can like magick him.

Me-: No!   And no you don't have it remember, you gave the book to me after you're little attempt to open whatever you thought you were opening.  You remember.  {he shook his head at me for a good minute then stopped his mouth and eyes wide}

JTGG-: OhMYGod! I forgot about that. {he giggled} I was like 17 when I did that. I gave that to you?  Well, let's hope he exposes himself to you soon then cause you've got to get some cock in you.

Me-: You have such a way with words.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dirty Laundry 2

"He totally wrote that for you."  My cousin Walsh half whispered as he pulled me aside.  He brought a new chair over to my mom's that his dad had.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  "Come for a smoke with me."  We went outside to stand around the edge of the parking lot where there was a small bus bench for the smokers who live in the building next to mother's. The bench stolen from the bus stop down the road.

Me-: Who are you talking about?

Walsh looked at me like I was stupid.  And sometimes I'm just so much so.

Walsh-: Uh let me see, who is the one person in the last few years that has gotten all your attention oh right it's The Celebrity. That thing he wrote totally was for you. {he mumbled as he lit his cigarette. Took a deep drag on it trying not to blow the smoke on me. }

Me-: I'm not following you. What thing? When? Where? And since when do you care?

Walsh-: Since you have given me no choice. Besides, I have no life anymore remember. Two kids, stay at home dad now. {he started to hack for a moment. } The more I see this guy on tv the more I understand why you like him. He's good. Better then some of those other muscle bound retards who look like they can't scratch their own ass if they tried.  Lest he looks normal. Hairs stupid though.

Me-: That's going in the blog. Which he will see by the way. {my cousin smiled that blush he does. } So explain to me what the hell you mean by he's written that for me?

Walsh-: The email note. {my cousin's wife then called and my cousin got into the van} Wife said T. puked up over everything. I need to get to the drug store before they close to pick something up for her. Tell you're mom I left.

Such enlightening conversations I have with my family. Leaves me more in the dark sometimes then the beginning of the conversations. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bad touching

Waiting for the bus.  Listening to iPod.   Felt something against my ass.
Turn to look behind me and there was this freaky looking guy trying to squeeze between me and the bus shelter.  There was plenty of room for him to go around me. 
Why do men do things like that ? 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Ex Files Exhibit F

Back in 2007, I had started a relationship with a guy on the internet.  One of many that I would end up having over the course of my life.
He and I would spend hours chatting, always with the promise of him coming to Canada from the United States.  It never happened. 
There was excuse (he just went through a nasty divorce) after excuse (he did not have a passport) after excuse (he couldn't take time off work) till one day he just dropped off the face of the earth. 

Against my better judgment, I wanted to believe him.  I did not listen to my gut reaction to so many of the red flags.  I'm not too sure if it was because I was in such a low point self esteem wise, or that I just did not want to be single.
I'm ashamed to say, part of what I liked about him was that he looked so much like my (then) recent ex that at first glance I thought it was him.

I hadn't heard from Ex F  since early 2007.  That was until now.   He emailed me out of the blue the other day. 
It simply said "Hi How have you been?" 

I never answered.  Just hit the delete button.   It's something I never do.  Delete old messages. But I did this time.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dirty Laundry

My aunt asked me how my novel was coming along.   I told her I still have not finished it because I do not have an editor.  Which is true.  I'm in limbo with it, having hit so many roadblocks, one of which is writer's block on the latest draft.

Me-:  I decided to introduce a new character, and needed someone to inspire him.  So I went hunting through old movies trying to find an actor who might spark something in me.  And I found an old episode of a soap opera from like 13 years ago.  And that sort of kick started something.

Aunt-: I don't understand.

Me-: Physically.  I mean.  I wanted to create a new character and I thought this actor had the perfect look. Only that was so long ago.  I decided to go hunting online for something recent.

Aunt-:  The Australian Actor?

Me-: You betcha. I found a bunch of photos of him and He's even hotter now then he was 13 years ago. So anyways, I sat down at the computer to start writing, had my scene half started in my mind and the screen saver pops up.  Boom, I see a photo of The Celebrity.  And that was it.  All thoughts of the Australian Actor gone!  Along with it, my new scenes for my novel.  Right back to square one.

Aunt-: I still don't follow?  What's your screen saver have to do with anything?

Me-:My screen saver is a photo of The Celebrity.

Aunt-:  I should introduce you to one of the guys from our men's group at the church. There are a few who are still single, though they are too young for you.  But I heard Mike just got a divorce. Nice guy, has two little boys.

Me-: I'm not interested.  Which is the whole point.  If you would let me finish.  So my brain turned to mush at the thought of The Celebrity and I gave up on the novel went off made a coffee, and was thinking.  What if I never feel anything again for a normal guy?  What if I'm just so ... I'm not sure what word I'm looking for, disenchanted I suppose,  with regular guys?

Aunt-: Now you're being foolish.

Me-:  I haven't really liked anyone since my ex. And look at where that got me.

Aunt-: He's been out of the picture  for years Darling. Move on.  I don't see anything special in The Celebrity anyway.  Do not understand what it is you see in him? What's with the skunk he's got strapped to his head? Looks like he doesn't have a thought in his head.

Me-: I'm putting that in the blog. You've been warned.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Flood of Emotions

"Ha! I hope they had their house flooded! Water everywhere"  my sister said screwing up her face, her hands gesturing wildly.  
We were watching CBC News and the top story for the hour was the Montreal and Quebec floods.

Me-: That's not nice.

Sister-: Well I hope he's waist high in dirty water serves him right.

Took me a few minutes to realize she was talking about her ex-boyfriend and the woman he left her for.  Damn.  And here I thought I was the only bitter betrayed one.  Adam left her four and a half years ago.  My sister has been with my brother-in-law now for almost three years. 

She never talks about her ex-boyfriend. Ever.  He's a dead topic.   All this time, I thought my sister cold to him, that he was just one of the past.  Seems I was way off base on this. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

It's the Itchy and Scratchy show

I was heading into my mother's building when my cousin Walsh came up in the parking lot honking at me.  His mom had sent something over to my mom and he was playing delivery guy.  So we stood there for about ten minutes just talking.
He mentioned having read the blog.   I cringed.

Me-: Sorry. Did you get into massive trouble with your wife for that?

Walsh-: Na. She never reads your stuff.  I mean, not that your writing isn't good, just that she never reads your stuff.  {he blushed. My cousin hates hurting people's feelings. Unlike me}

Me-: I don't think I would want her reading me anyways.

Walsh-: Probably not. But, I have a theory to add to your blog.

Me-: You just like seeing yourself on the blog.  Tell me.

Walsh-: It's the best friend. Mr. Scratchy. {he yawned cracking his neck which made me cringe big time}

The Drama Queen mentioned to me back in the winter about how she feels I've been giving my attention to the wrong guy.  {Let's not forget this conversation here}  I gave a bit of a sigh-giggle to my cousin.

Me-: Nice theory. Would you like me to point out the holes in it that you could drive a truck through?
First off, if it is The Celebrity's Best Friend, aka The Other Guy,  then why wouldn't he have spoken up?  The little I have observed over the course of the last few years, The Other Guy would be ten times more likely to email saying dude it's me. And given he hasn't then .... then... I have no idea. That was my only point really.

Walsh-: It's a possibility is it not?   {he elbowed me}

Me-: No.  Doesn't make any sense either. Cause like I said, he would have spoken up.

Walsh-: Make sense to me.  He reads your blog too, has partaken in the replies on the show and a few things on the company blog am I right?  {I nodded still giggling}  Didn't you start picking on him first?

Me-:  Yeah, what's your point?

Walsh-: Makes perfect sense.  You have  no clue who Mr. Scratchy really is. Just that it all started the same time you started to blog about the wrestling.  Wouldn't you be happy if it is?  Isn't this what you're hunting for?  This Mr. Scratchy?  I say it's The Other Guy.

Walsh had me there.  I am looking for the right guy.  But even I have to admit, that would be too soap operaish.

Me-: Hang on. So you believe my omens?

My cousin shrugged blushing once more.

Walsh-: I believe that you believe and I believe that when the right side of your body itches you're .... future husband/wife is thinking of you.  Cause ever since you've told me about that, I've sort of noticed it with me and my wife. So yeah I can't not believe. If you want to call it true love fine.

Me-: Well, Walsh, that is the way the omen goes.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

He Said What?

I've gotten an email asking me when I'm going to get around to posting  a conversation  from The Celebrity. 

When he starts one with me?   I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the only answer I have right now.
I know it can be argued that everything that's happened in the last few years with the whole issue could be considered a conversation.  And I'll take the side on that.  But it's been all via an affair of the blog {and a sports show}  he and I have not, as of this posting, chatted one on one. 

 The lady also asked when I was going to reveal the "good stuff"?   I have no answer on that either I'm afraid.

I will tell you this much, when it comes to The Celebrity, I've no clue what I'm doing.  In the past I've blogged about how hot he is, and his answer was to blog about how looks do not matter, I've taken the approach of teasing him on the blog like I would any man , and his answer was to blog about how difficult it was for him to reach the status he's reached, and I've blogged about how talented he is, and his answer was to blog about how he'd like to be treated like an normal guy.

I know those of you who read this blog, do so because you are waiting for some sort of Carrie and Mr.Big moment where there is a big fairy tale ending.  And I would give it to you on a silver platter if I could.

But in the moment, I'm as in the dark as you my readers are.

Monday, May 2, 2011

He's off the Menu

I found out today that Storm has a girlfriend.

Boom! Zap! and Pwoof!

It was so weird.  There I was roaming around the tofu when Storm very out of character slithered up beside me and asked how my day was going? 
I told him it was a better day then the last few have been.

Storm-: That's good to hear.  So you must live around here then? I see you in here like every second day.

Me-:  I'm here more then you staff.

Storm-: Anything I can get for you?

Me-: The new tofu pasta. Has anyone dared to try it?

Storm-: Yeah actually. I've had it.  My girlfriend was a vegetarian.

And at that point I stopped listening.  He yammered on about how to actually cook the stuff and what it's good with.  But my brain was still back at the sentence my girlfriend.  I know disappointment registered on my face. 
Here's the thing.  I've been unsure I even really liked him.   Even after hearing that he's not available, I'm still not sure if that's a total disappointment or a relief.  

I think the disappointment comes more from the fact my buddy the Musician was so certain that Storm was matchable, that I was starting to believe him.  But you know, I should have known it wouldn't have been that easy.