Friday, August 31, 2012

A rambling blue moon

There is a blue moon tonight.   It represents the end of a very long cycle and the beginning of the next. If I remember the notes and newsletters I read few weeks ago on the topic, the blue moon is the end of an 18 month cycle.  Which is actually the tale end of a cycle that we've all been in since 2008.
when I go over things that have happened since then, I see small patterns.
Which means, starting tomorrow, September 1st, a new cycle starts. (I think it's a nine year cycle according to the astrology books? )

So, it's that time of the day when my favourite soap opera is on, and I decided to check out a fan thingie about the show.  To see what other fans have to say about the main storylines on Bold and the Beautiful. 
Soap fans are more brutal then even wrestling fans.  But everyone seems to agree that the only reason anyone watches the show for is the actor who plays Liam.

It is just one of those weird things, that has me thinking about what draws people to situations in flocks, what makes some people more appealing then others, why we're loyal to certain people more so then others.
Why some people are just the center of a group no matter what they say or do.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Post-it Check in

While sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's, I saw this guy who looked so much like one of my ex boyfriends.  When they called him, I felt a small chill run through me, cause they called my exboyfriend's last name.  Ends up it was his brother.  Damn eh?

There was this other cute guy sitting about ten feet away from me dressed in this green shirt, everyone was there with leg injuries today; so this second guy kept staring at me.  I felt normal for the first time in months. Then when he got up for his appointment, the next guy who took his seat started to stare at me too. He was wearing an orange sports shirt. So  I figured it was the horror film shirt I was wearing that got that guy's attention, then I realized, I was sitting under the clock.
I felt like such a looser...

Stop laughing Mr. Scratchy, it's only funny for about two minutes.

But, the appointment went good.  All is going well. Doctor was happy, physio therapist was happy.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Post-it after dark

Listening to the  Nick Carter song, Heart without a Home.  Great song. Sad, but aren't all slow romantic songs in the end?
Yeah, you my dear Mr. Scratchy, get a two for one blog ticket on here tonight.  Just because.
Okay, fine, I'm feeling lonely and this helps. Blogging to you. Blogging to The Celebrity, to The Other Guy, to the DoubleStarr. Makes me feel less alone right now.

Is there a slow song you like, or think I would want to check out, Mr. Scratchy? Or a song in general?

I know, I do all the talking, and I'm starting to feel like the cliche of what a woman is always made out to be. The never shutting up part I mean.  But, at this point I have no idea what else to do.  So I keep blogging Mr. Scratchy, keep leaving you these post-it notes. 

Tonight, I imagine you Mr. Scratchy, to be sitting with a few new comics in hand, maybe having just come in from washing your dog. Yes, I still have this feeling you have a dog.  Dressed in a pair of dark jeans, waiting for the laundry to be done, maybe waiting for your buddy to call you back. 

Anyways, Mr.Scratchy; by the time you read this, I'll most likely already be up getting ready for yet another way too early round of physio therapy and doctor's appointments. I get to get yelled at by an egomaniac in the morning. My physio therapist I mean. The dude has admitted to never having any sort of injury ever, never having to even in his training, ever have to simulate what it's like to have an injury, yet he still thinks that everyone should be healed from things at the same degree and speed. Even you, being in the wrestling industry, have witnessed certain injuries heal different for different people. I'm sure you've had a few yourself? Do you have any scars Mr. Scratchy?

As always Mr. Scratchy, I hope I've made you comfortable with a metaphoric hug and maybe made you giggle a bit.

post-it Aug 29th 2012

Listening to The 69 Eyes, and I suddenly got the urge to come in here and just write up a small post it.
Earlier, I was watching Bold and the Beautiful, like every weekday; and started to think about the current storyline on there.  The main characters that are in love relationship storylines, are not being allowed to
It's a typical soap opera.  And in a typical soap opera, whenever there happens to be a happy couple, someone has to come in and break them up.  Usually because they want one of the two people.
It got me thinking, how often do people in real life end up in a bad relationship because other people got in the way?

I know I've had my own personal real life soap opera moments, being cheated on and lied to and totally betrayed.  So, this would lead me to believe there are hundreds of people like me who have fallen on bad luck in a relationship because someone else was jealous.

I was also reading an article online earlier, talking about how men deal with being dumped and their desires for the same kind of long term relationships that we women want.
I suppose, not a total shocker given the history of the world.  

So Mr. Scratchy, as I've been writing this, my right side has been itching which makes me want to stop my post and ask if everything is okay with you today?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

post-it aug 28th

Sitting here now, listening to the traffic.  We don't really have a rush hour in this city, it's like every forty-five minutes here is a rush hour.
I took a few steps earlier, hobbling to the bathroom, and my bandages fell right down to my ankle.  I stood there stupid for a moment staring at the naked scar, all bruised and covered in dried blood.  Then I had to re-adjust the bandages, only now they don't seem to want to stay in place on the knee.  I don't think I would have been more shocked then if I had been caught totally nude.

Mr. Scratchy, it's been a slower then usual, quiet day here. 

I'm imagining you checking in, reading this before going to the gym, maybe after supper. Dressed in shorts, a green tee shirt, iPod blasting out a mix of music. Maybe you're having a day of wanting to listen to stuff from when you were a teenager. I imagine you pushing up those wire rimmed glasses I think you wear, scratching at your right shoulder.  I think you have dark eyes... chocolate brown eyes and I can picture you removing your glasses rubbing your hands over those chocolate brown eyes.
I think you have a large canvas there beside you, with a half finished painting on it.  Some reason I want to say it's of a building, with a lake and trees in the Fall.  A painting filled with reds and yellows and oranges.
Anyways, Mr. Scratchy, as always, I hope I brought a small smile to your day.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What can we learn from Snow White?

I'm watching Once Upon A Time  right now,  and the scene that was just on had Snow and Charming in their "real world " lives, bumping into each other at the one time when they were not looking for each other.

I've seen this happen a million times.  Someone or something popping up in your life when you're busy thinking or doing other stuff. 

I do like the way they reversed the plot point in this series, having Charming in the coma needing to be woken, and not Snow White in the glass coffin.

In the fairy tale, Snow White faces death more then once. In fact, it's got one of the highest death rates for fables.
But, Snow White never sits around wondering very much in the fairy tale about a prince.  She is content to hang around the house cleaning, and looking after her friends/adoptive family.   (I could rant about how that feeds the fears of how a woman is only good for being a maid or mother but that's not the point I want to make right now)

She keeps going with her life, not bothering to daydream about a man. Maybe she was smarter then the rest of us who model ourselves after other fictional female characters... then again, maybe she was more a Samantha then a Charlotte then anyone knows... getting slightly off topic.

More then a few times, you've heard me say over the years that I was shocked dumb by the fact I either bumped into an ex boyfriend, or spotted something about one online.  Always, when I was blissfully doing something else in my life that was taking all my attention. (like being injured, doing something website stuff, thinking of wrestlers etc) You've also heard me say that when you are meant to be with someone, you can't avoid them.

It's been proven, that when two people are destined to be together, they will not be able to keep from bumping into each other.   And with the internet, it makes it even more likely.

So to try to make this make sense in written form (cause it made more sense in my brain before I started typing) Snow White can teach us to have faith in ourselves more then some of the other fairy tale damsels in distress. She doesn't count on a godmother or pixies to get her out of trouble, she just puts it all out of her mind and keeps busy. (yeah this seems less of a punch now that it's written)

Friday, August 24, 2012

post-it B

Was watching Bold and the Beautiful today, like I do every weekday; and one of the things they brought up was commitment.
The character of Liam was talking about how he's so committed to the character of Hope, but the character of Stephie pointed out that commitment isn't just in your thoughts, your words but in your actions, in your heart.

It got me thinking.

What proves someone's committed to someone else?  Is it marriage?  Is it the time they spend with them?  Is it how much they dream of them?  or is it something else all together?

It's not hard to say full on and pin point the men over the years I've been committed to. But sadly to say, the few loyal readers I have on the handful of blogs are the only people who have shown their commitment to me over the years.

God, that sounds like such a downer doesn't it?

I was hoping when I started my Monster's Library project, that I would find something in myself that I could commit to.  The project is 3 months away from being done, and I feel like I've only just scratched the surface; so I've already got a second year in the planning stages.  This time, I won't be flying around by the seat of my pants.  I have an outline that will get me through the first six months at lest.
I know to you Mr. Scratchy, that must sound like such a silly thing, but it's the journey I need to take. Laugh all you want.

I know I end these post-it notes to you almost all the time saying how I hope I brought a smile to your face, but it's true.  I hope I do make you smile, giggle, even if I spook you a bit. 

Few years ago, someone left an anonymous comment on one of my old blogs, saying that The Other Guy wasn't as hot shit as I made him sound and that he even beat him once in a match.   I always wondered who that was?  Part of me figured it was a prank by a former friend's husband.  Part of me always thought it was The Celebrity.   Never did find out.
I'm not even sure why that thought came up now?  Just one of those weird moments I guess.

Smile, please. I'm sure Mr. Scratchy that you have a lovely smile.

Post- it Friday 5pm

It's been a bad internet day.   I've spent the last few hours trying to figure out how to save my old company website that I created way back in 2006 when I was doing my vampire movie.
Ends up, all I could do was transfer the domain name to another site.  I lost everything, photos, videos, everything from 2006-2009. Gone with no way to get them back because the old computer they had been on is dead.
Then I remembered an old Flicker account.  The one I had abandoned when --- and I stopped being together.
He, it would seem, still uses his and uploads every day.  I should have known better then to think he would have gotten bored with his and left it.  There were pictures of a couple of kids and a dog.
So, it would seem he too has done what he said he'd never do, settle down with a family.

It is just me then is it?  Guys I date swear they will  never get into a permanent relationship or marriage, and then the next woman they marry.

Mr. Scratchy, it's moments like this that I wonder what I am doing wrong? 

Anyways, the past is the past, and the website issue wipes out all of mine from view.  Good or bad, it's a new cycle now.

And it's a Friday so I am guessing you are checking in before going out for the night or to work or whatever it is you spend your time at.  
I hope you have fun, and relax.    I hope you're wearing something in a faded grey. All men look sexy in grey. And if you're who I think you are, then you know you do.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Post-it on Thursday

I was in the pre-surgery area for nearly 5 hours yesterday.  At one point, the surgeon came in and asked if I was ready, and then changed his mind, taking the guy a few beds away and ordering x-rays for me because none had been done yet.
While I was waiting, there were teenagers on either side of me.  In the bed to the right of me, one teenager was getting her wisdom teeth out and she just would not shut up.  Two of the other patients complained to be moved to another area because all she did was whine to her mother about how mean they were being to her by not letting her eat.
Well duh, you're about to go into surgery, food is not a good idea.

The teenager on the left of me was bitching at the nurses because she didn't want to remove her bracelets.  They ended up cutting them off her anyway, but she was screaming and telling the staff they were assholes, even though she had been told before hand to remove her jewellery.

After my surgery, they had to get me up and standing, had me walk to the bathroom to prove I was good enough to get home. 

Can you picture me hobbling on my cane with my iv still in my arm, the pole for the iv being pushed with my other arm and just trying not to get tangled in the cord for the iv.

Today, the pain is a bit more then I was thinking it would be, and there are major bruises all over my thighs from where they were lifting me from the stretcher to the operating bed.  I haven't had bruises like that on my thighs since I dated -----.   But that's another story for another time.

Well Mr. Scratchy, I could use that metaphoric hug right about now, but I know you have a busy night ahead of you... or behind you depending on when you read this.  And I imagine you tonight reading this scratching the right side of your neck and jaw, you're eyes tired and weighed down with the week you've had. Maybe you're wondering why moose are such a strange looking creature?  (the news is on right now and we've got moose wandering the streets) Maybe you're thinking about what you're going to wear tomorrow to work/university/ or wherever you go during the days.  I imagine you there reading this thinking a drink would be nice right now, maybe a bourbon or a rye (have one for me if you do cause I'm not allowed right now)  dressed in a pair of dirty track pants. 

Well, as always Mr. Scratchy, I hope I made you smile.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

post-it tuesday aug 21

Sun is just going down here. It's cool tonight.
Tomorrow a long day that will start at 4am.  Finally getting the second surgery on my knee.

Mr. Scratchy, this year has so not turned out the way I was hoping.  But that's life.  It's like a mystery box challenge on Master Chef, you have to be prepared to make the best out of a crazy unknown batch of ingredients.

So, Mr. Scratchy, who's your favourite comic book hero?  Favourite comic book movie?  I thought I'd ask. Just saw the commercial for the remake of Judge Dredd.  Looks like it might work.
I imagine you reading this tonight, having come in from mowing the lawn, if you have a yard. I imagine you tonight having a large iced latte as you read this, a copy of a Stephen King novel in hand. Your hair a day dirty and sticking up.

Well Mr. Scratchy, I'm done for the night, thinking of nothing but the new scar I'll have after tomorrow.  Stop thinking of my scar, Mr. Scratchy, it will only make you laugh. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

post it sunday after midnight

I spent the day fighting the beginnings of a cold. The last thing I need right now is to get sick. If I end up sick before my knee surgery in three days they won't let me have it and I'll have to reschedule.  And it's already been a three month wait list.

Just been watching a mini Sex and the City marathon. It's hard to believe that the show has been in reruns for the last 8 years already.

One of the episodes talked about how you only get two great loves in your life, if you're really lucky. The show defined that as love that changes you, that affects you so deeply.
That got me thinking.  If that's true, then I wonder about my own loves.  Of all the guys I've been involved with, two stand out.  But, I can't get past the question of if I affected them? 

Then of course, Mr. Scratchy, there is the knowledge of you. I'm sure that brought a giggle to your throat. 
Everyone wants to know that they affect others in a deep meaningful way.  It's human nature. 

Do you care for vampire movies Mr. Scratchy?  I think they are the perfect metaphor for pretty much anything. But, then again you already know that. Considering how long you've been reading me.  I would like to know if you were introduced to my writings through The Other Guy or the late wrestler from company #3 and #4 ? 
How is The Other Guy doing after his second injury?  I haven't seen anything on the show in the last month as far as updates go. The last time I did see him on tv, he had really great hair. 
Now that's someone whom I'd still love to interview.  Maybe one of these lifetimes I'll be lucky enough to get to interview him for a few minutes.  Compare scars, as I'm sure his knees are much prettier then mine.

I know, I'm jumping topics tonight. 
There are crickets outside the window, they're so loud you would think they were inside the room.

Alright Mr. Scratchy, what will it be tonight... you reading this while having a cup of tea lounging in a pair of well worn underwear, having just gotten back from a golf game...maybe avoiding the large stack of research notes you have to read for that thesis I think you are writing?  Maybe you're planning a work trip for an indy wrestling company?  Or maybe you are in a band and just got back from being in a session?  Or, maybe you just got back from the gym? 

Whatever it is you're doing when you read this Mr. Scratchy, as always, I hope I brought a smile to your face.

Friday, August 17, 2012

post-it Friday 17/8/12

Mr. Scratchy, I was watching a movie the other day that got me thinking.  It was about how a group of survivors dealt with things after the population was almost wiped out.  And I started to think about the idea of how relationships would work in a situation like that.
The idea that people would pair off for survival more then love or even lust.  The idea that after three generations, everyone would be related.
The incest issue is something I don't think movie script writers consider when they do end of the world stories, but that's not the point I wanted to make.

The thing I was really thinking about Mr. Scratchy, was the idea of pairing off into coupledom because you have to not because you fell in love.  Basically, choosing the best of a limited supply.

Up till recently, when the internet became the creature it now is, isn't that what we as a society basically did?  We were in a certain area and unless you traveled constantly in order to meet people, you were stuck with a limited area and therefore a limited supply of people to pick from to end up with.

As we now all live our lives jacked in, we're more aware of the choices we have.  We're not limited anymore.
Or are we?  

I've always said, Mr. Scratchy, that we're meant to meet the same souls in every life we live.  The internet has helped us to meet some of those souls easier and faster.
And with more and more people taking part in dating sites and general social networks, it seems like we've opened up to the world.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy; I imagine you tonight reading this, maybe just having come home from the cinema. Imagine you needing a hug. Not for any lack of people in your life to physically hug you, but a metaphoric hug.  Which only I can supply right now.
Stop laughing, you know it's true. 
I imagine you with a large pop in hand-regular cola non of that diet crap, and you've gotten half ready for bed. So you would be shirtless but still have your jeans on, undone of course... I can imagine that if I want... and since you've been in the wrestling business I'm guessing that you're one of the ones who has smooth hairless skin. Have to give credit to the wrestling industry for the idea of men shaving their armpits cause a hairy armpit can be very gross on a man.
I also imagine you rolling your eyes as you read this smiling at me in spite of yourself.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy, I hope I've brought a bit of familiar peace and a smile of comfort to your night.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

post-it Aug 16th 2012

It's the kind of night that I love, cool, windy, slight fog.
I finally am scheduled for the second round of knee surgery next week.  Means, I will most likely have another scar to add to my collection.

One of my younger cousins brought her boyfriend home to meet my aunt and uncle.  Didn't go well at all.  They had a massive problem with his not being the same religion as the family. 
I learned a million years ago when I was 17 that fresh relationships and my family don't mix.  I brought a boyfriend home, and that was it, never again.  

Well Mr. Scratchy, I guess this is the part where I say, I imagine you tonight reading this while eating a plate of spaghetti, maybe having just done a load of laundry, with a stack of pages beside you.  I think you are working on an art project, or a research paper.  Maybe a thesis for something? I imagine you are wearing a pair of those stripped pajama bottoms and a really faded tee that you can't even identify the logo for anymore.  

I wish you a lovely evening, and hope as always I brought a smile to your face.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Things got a bit messy this weekend it would seem.   My sister's oldest step son, was brought home by the police for the third time in a month. Caught under-aged at bars.
Brother in law is beyond furious.

And then, there is my cousin's teenaged daughter. 

The carnival circus thing was in town this past week. C.L.E. as it's called here. And from what I'm told it is a case of  girl went with friends -girl meet cute boy- cute boy is a member of the traveling carnival- girl stayed out all night and well into the next day without calling parents while friends lied for her- carnival ended and boy never returned texts-

So, now not only is my cousin's teenaged daughter grounded for life, she's heartbroken. 

The title of that old Motley Crue song comes to mind "Too Young To Fall In Love".   But isn't that the issue?   We are designed to fall in love starting at a young age.  Or at lest, fall in lust.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

post-it Aug 12th 2012

I know, I said the other day that I've done too many of these post-its lately, but what else am I going to call them and have them make sense?

I was thinking bundles in the last few days Mr. Scratchy, about one of my main interests. Something that I have nearly abandoned in the last few years.  An element that I am planning on making the center focus of the Monster's Library after this part of it is over. So basically after xmas.  
I've been feeling like I've been "caught with my coffins down".  I'm sure Mr. Scratchy, you will get that joke. 

Saw a commercial earlier today, the channel here in Canada that carries Sex and the City is going to start carrying that vampire show Vampire Diaries.   I used to love those books when I was in high school.  I tried re-reading them about three years ago when they did the reprints.  I couldn't keep up with them, there was too many new ones added to the original book series. 

Well Mr. Scratchy, it is almost 1am here.  Seems to be a bit of a pattern for me as of late, these nearly 1am posts.
I hope you're having a relaxing night.  Sitting on your back steps having a drink while you read this, if you have back steps, otherwise, I hope you're comfortable at your desk, reading this in between rounds of a video game.  All men love video games, and I am not sure I want to even begin to know why... but I imagine you in a pair of pajama bottoms, paint splattered on the left knee and down the front, you've just knocked over your drink reaching for a bag of twisty licorice, red... I think you are a red junk food person... damn, I want to say there is a poster from Star Wars behind you, but I really don't see you as a Star Wars fan. 
Anyways, I hope you're having a relaxing night.

And as always, I hope I brought a smile to your face.

Friday, August 10, 2012

You're eyes...without a face

The windows are wide open, and it seems that someone in the area is burning something.  That, or we've got yet another forest/bush fire in the area.  We get those a ton around here.
I don't know man, that wave of a writing roll I've been on all week; totally hit rock bottom few hours ago. That sucks man, just sucks.
And just when I thought it was safe to hit the typewriter again.  Well, the fling was fun while it lasted.

Anyways, Mr. Scratchy; with it being a Friday night, I'm guessing your reading this in the morning after getting back from your evening.  Which, I'm hoping puts you in your kitchen, removing a clean mug from the cupboard for a fresh hot cup of coffee while you read this. 
I still for some reason think you have a dog, so maybe you're getting ready to take him for a walk? 
If by chance you are reading this tonight, before bed; then I think you're winding down getting ready to watch a movie.  Maybe the Lost Boys... everyone likes the Lost Boys.

Try not to laugh too much, you might start to get used to it.

Post-it Aug 10th 2012

It's just before 1am as I write this, Mr. Scratchy.
Been taking some time to just regroup. Spent the day reading "Club Dumas"  by Arturo Perez-Reverte.  English translation of course.  Now, it would seem, I need to get my hands on a copy of The Three Musketeers.  I suppose I should have considered that ahead of time, given it plays a key role in Club Dumas, but I got caught up in the romance of it.

How was your day been Mr. Scratchy?  For some strange reason, I want to ask you if you picked any fights or if a photocopy machine blew up on you?  Odd the things that pop into one's head when it's quiet.

Next up, "Don Quixote".  I had ordered the two books a while back and they arrived Wednesday.  Which in a way is good, given I had taken all my other books and stuff home last week when I had gone ... in my meltdown, I wasn't smart enough to grab a book. 

It's strange, the idea in Club Dumas, being that you think you're on one path only to find out your on another. Old theme, but an affective one.

Anyways, Mr. Scratchy; I imagine you reading this, unshaven your hair mussed up, some luggage under your eyes. A large coffee in hand in a mug that is more sentimental then anything else. Something given to you from a relative.  Dressed in those stripped pajama bottoms and shirtless. Biting your bottom lip.  Maybe you've started to study tarot cards... just because someone gave you a deck as a gift and you finally decided to open them.  Dog treats crumbling under foot.  I think you do have a dog.  No idea why, just do. 

No matter if I'm clear on this or just daydreaming, I hope your day is good to you Mr. Scratchy. Maybe you'll daydream of me, and as always, I hope I brought a smile to your face.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Nocturnal Musings

Insomnia has kicked in again.  Been free of it for months, but it's suddenly hitting me hard.
I'm wide awake for the time being and have just finished blogging on about four blogs.  This would be number five in the last hour and a half.
That's a record for me.

This should be a Post-It; I suppose.  Mr. Scratchy, but I've done so many of those lately.

I was thinking just now about some of the small goals I had set for myself for the year.  Not really New Year's resolutions but just little things.

Finishing reading a certain number of books was one of them.  I'm about half way to that goal, though I haven't read anything in about three months.   But, once I get going, I can crank out a book in about 2 days.  6 if it's a crappy book.

Yeah, it's always about a book with me. 

Anyways Mr. Scratchy; it's a lovely night here. Well, morning I guess now since it's way after 2am.
I can imagine you sitting in a hotel room somewhere, a wrestling magazine beside you, maybe you just got off a plane or something... then again, maybe you're at home, getting up and getting ready to go for a run before going to the gym, or a part time job or university?   Wearing an old tee covered in rips and coffee stains. Maybe in a really bad orange colour with a strange eye like logo on it that says something about the paparazzi? 

I actually made a comment once about how much I disliked that shirt.  It reminded me of baby puke.

I'd like to think of you working towards a degree in something, becoming a professor.  There's something romantic about that idea. 
Alright Mr. Scratchy, I'll wish you a calm relaxing day if you're reading this before starting out for the day, and I'll wish you sweet dreams if you're coming home from someplace. 

Hopefully, I brought a smile to your face. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

post-it note Aug 6th

It's almost supper time here as I write this today Mr. Scratchy.
I hope everything is going well today... I want to ask if something was wrong around 10am EST this morning?  I was writing a few pages on my short story, working out a scene when my right side started to itch. 
Makes me wonder... but anyways.

Other then having my hero lose everything he's worked for in the last year; there has not been anything of importance going on here in my world. 
Hero.  Odd word isn't it?   When you look it up, it talks about someone who saves others without thinking of themselves, and originally meant a demi-god. 
Now, we have the word attached to fictional characters when we want to talk about who the story revolves around.

Which hero are you going to turn out to be?   The type who saves everyone by swooping down from the sky in a red cape and tights?  Or, the prince charming with a sword who saves the princess from the dragon?   Or, the misunderstood vampire?

Yeah, had to throw that last one in to see if you're still awake. 

Well, Mr. Scratchy, whatever you do, don't dream of saving me.  Unless of course you really want to.  Now wipe the snot and spit off the computer, it wasn't that funny. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dirty Laundry 19

It's my mother's birthday today, and my cousin stopped by with a card on his way to work.
He saw my laptop was open and that I was writing.  I've been working on a new short story in the last few days.  Totally inspired by something I saw online.
I let Walsh have a sneak at what it was I'm writing, and he just started to laugh.  Totally reminded me of our Grandfather.  He looks more like him every day.

Anyways, Walsh asked me who my new crush was?  Walsh is about the only person, other then my sister who's paid attention to my writing and my crushes.

Me-: "Just what makes you think I have a new crush?"

Walsh-: "Your lead character. You gave him longer hair and a mustache. So it's not based on The Celebrity."

Me-: "You suck."  I think I blushed. No, I know I blushed a bit cause he started to smile at me.  "I was watching those youtube rants by that new wrestler.'

Walsh- :"I should have known it was another wrestler. Which one?"

I pulled up his youtube and showed Walsh. "Him."   Walsh laughed as he started to scratch at his right shoulder.  "You're wife's thinking of you."

Walsh-: "Witch. You cursed me." his cell started to buzz with a text.  It was indeed his wife. Damn, I'm good. "This guy? Really? The Celebrity is going to be jealous."

Me-: "See, this is why I love you. Why couldn't you have been my brother instead of my sister being my sister?"

Walsh-: "Looks like a porn star not a wrestler. Angry Porn Star."

Me-: "Yeah, well, whatever. As long as I can spin it into a creative roll what does it matter?"

Walsh agreed and wished my mom a happy birthday and took off for work.  I sat back down to finish the paragraph I had been working on when he came over, and started to think about what he said.  The idea that The Celebrity would be jealous of another guy being the physical base for the hero of my writing...

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Post it Saturday Aug 4th

Okay, so I'm blind at times.  I posted yesterday but wasn't thinking and had the wrong date listed.  I reposted it  just now, with yesterday's date in the title. 
I don't know what got into me as I never screw up on things like that.  Typos, sure but something like the date, no.
I would have just left it like that, but I already had a July 3rd post it - post.  See, The Celebrity makes me lose my mind. He's trouble for me. 

With that said, yeah, I was totally thinking about how silly I've been over stuff, and thought hurdles need to be gotten over.

Mr. Scratchy, I guess the stress and boredom is getting to me.

Now that I've given you a good giggle for the night, I hope you're somewhere nice and cool.  Drinking something cold and just working on some sort of creative project.

Post it Aug 3rd Repost

I did something today, I swore I'd never do.
Well, I did half of something.    I checked out the website of The Celebrity's side project.  Hit the link and looked at the page.
That's as far as I got.

Didn't actually view/listen to anything that is posted there.  I couldn't bring myself to.  I didn't find it very inviting, then again, I don't really think he planed for me to ever find it inviting.

Why am I posting about this?  Because, at some point in the last few years, I managed to get under the skin of The Celebrity.  I guess in a few ways.  Totally weirded him out, and annoyed him, and just made him think I am a total nutball.  So he lashed out and made me feel worthless. That was two years ago.  His lashing out.  And it only took one sentence on the company blog to shake me to my core. Stopped doing my reviews because of his comment. I completely stopped writing for awhile because of it too, and it's been really difficult to get back into. 

Anyways, as silly as this all sounds, it was a hurdle I needed to get past. Crazy right, yeah I know.  But, he's just got this effect on me.  This ... I don't even know what, that makes me feel like I'm back in high school trying to speak to the cool guy a few lockers from me.  You know that feeling.  The one where nothing you say ever seems to come out right, and your pulse races cause your so nervous.  Yeah, that feeling.
And I've only ever dealt with him over the blogs.  So, imagine what kind of effect he'd have on me in real life?

Then again, he might not have any.  I was involved with this guy back in 2005, who was from Boston. We had this amazing chemistry online and over the phone for months but when we actually met up face to face; nothing.  Like talking to a brick wall nothing.
So who knows, maybe one of these days I'll get to meet The Celebrity and it will be like talking to a tree with bad hair?  And then again it could be worse then it is now?  I could turn into a pile of screaming mush, like I'm sure so many fans have when meeting Elvis or the Beatles or the Backstreet Boys or something.  Or worse.

I said it was a hurdle I needed to get past.  And it is.  Okay, it itself isn't, but the characteristic in me it represents is.  Confused yet?
The older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. It should get easier the older we get when we like someone, but I've yet to see that happen. It's like the reason I don't phone men I'm interested in.
Men scare me, and I hate to disappoint them.  And I always seem to disappoint them and scare the goo out of them.

And what brought all this on today you might be asking Mr. Scratchy?  Well, it's because of one of my cousins.  Walsh's sister.  She's been in and out of the hospital in the last few months, and it doesn't look good.  She's destroyed her insides from the last 11 years of drugs and drinking.  This is the cousin who betrayed me by stealing a boyfriend from me, and a chance at a recording contract.  That's a really long story in itself, but I forgive her.  It's taken 11 years but I finally forgive her.
And watching her now, knowing she threw her life away and that she might not live out the year... made me realize that grudges, fear, insecurity, and the complications they create is no way to spend your life.
And really, after the car accident I was in few years ago; I should already be living every moment to it's fullest.

But, I haven't been because I let a guy have center stage in my life.  A guy who is nine years younger then me that I've never even met in reality.  Granted, a guy who is one of the most talented men I've come across in years, one of the sexiest I've ever laid eyes on, and one of the most annoying at that.  But that's part of his charm.  That take no prisoners attitude is what makes him well, him.  And I dig that. 
And if he thinks I'm a nutball, there's nothing I can really do about it. He's going to think whatever he does about me, no matter how I act. But then again I'm not sure I want to have him think differently of me?  Never had a guy be relaxed around me and thinking of me like he does other women, why start now? And as everyone keeps reminding me, The Celebrity is just a man at the end of the day.

So yeah, two years ago when The Celebrity wrote what he did on the company blog, he made me feel like I was worthless. Like my writing was invalid, like I was invalid. And I let him. I reacted to his comment and I let myself become worthless.
To anyone else, his comment wouldn't have even been noticed, but to me; it cut deep. That's my insecurities big time.
When it happened, people said to me not to take it personal, that you never know what is going on in someone else's personal life, that he could have been having a bad week or day or what have you and lashed out on me cause I was there.  Someone else actually said to me that maybe he lashed out because he knew I'd forgive him?
None of that really matters.  In the end, it was how I responded to it. My insecurities.

My insecurities about not wanting to disappoint the men around me. Specially a man as successful as The Celebrity. And if I can't handle something like that on a blog, how am I suppose to handle real issues in a real relationship with any man?

In a messed up way, The Celebrity helped me realize this about myself.  I know Mr. Scratchy, that I've got him on this pedestal, but in a way, I've got you on one too. 

Note-  I've never screwed up on a date before.  Yes, I posted this yesterday on Aug 3rd 2012 with  july in the title.  

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Don't flirt with the married neighbour

I was standing in the hallway of our building about an hour ago.  Crying. Just a mess, and sweating buckets from the heat.
My new neighbour, who seems to have moved into the building in the few months I've been stuck at mother's; was coming out of the apartment across the hall from me on his way out for a smoke.
He asked if he could help with anything.  I said I'd called a taxi and was trying to get back down the stair with my laptop and bag but couldn't manage with my cane.   He nodded and took my stuff and helped me down the flight of stairs. 

I felt like a complete child. I was home for less then 6 hours and I couldn't handle it.  I physically could not get around my apartment properly and that just caused me to just have a meltdown.

Anyways, he kept telling me that he and his girlfriend are about to have their first kid. 

Too bad, he was really cute, short dark hair, goatee, little bit of a tummy and really really nice hands.  He stood outside the whole time I was waiting for my taxi, telling me about himself.  And about ten times, informed me to let him know when I do get back, specially if I need anything. He told me his name, but in all the tears and sweat I don't remember it.

Under normal circumstances,  I would have given him my number or asked him for coffee.  But the fact he's taken with a kid... put the ice on that idea.

I don't know what it says about me as of late, but the last three times I've met a guy, I've been crying and in pain. 

Needless to say, I'm back at mother's for a few days.