Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Dirty Laundry 43

There was a knock on my window just before 9:30a.m. Scared the life out of me. When I looked to see, there was my cousin Walsh standing there with one of his co-workers. I went up to let them in.

Walsh-:"Working across the street there and I really don't want to use that portable toilet." he headed straight for the bathroom, his co-worker laughing half embarrassed.

Me-:"What would you have done if I wasn't home?"

Buddy-:"The sandwich shop few doors down."

I had one of my tarot decks spread out on the kitchen table, doing a reading for myself, studying how they connect to astrology. Not an easy task I must say, as just like each individual deck is written and designed from one author's point of view, you get hundreds of different meanings so when you add things like astrology and numerology to the mix, it depends on which system the author used. And I'm lost with Vedic astrology completely.  Anyways, buddy there saw my tarots and sort of creeped towards the table pointing at it.

Buddy-:"You do that sort of stuff?"  I nodded. "Like for money?" he instinctively brought his hand back to his back pocket area, but they were in their work gear; so his overalls got in the way of reaching for his wallet.

Me-:"No. I'm not that good. Why you want a reading?"   My cousin came out of the bathroom and his co-worker needed to go.

Walsh-:"Any news?"

Me-:"About dad, no."

Walsh-:"So what the hell was up with your post the other night? Seemed like you were drunk or something?"

Me-:"What post I did a bunch this week."  He meant the one on here the other day. "I don't know to be honest. I just had this intense urge to do one, like being on a deadline or something. Just didn't have anything to say."  Walsh laughed at me just as his co-worker came out of the toilet. He gestured again to the tarots so I offered to do a reading for him.
All four of the aces turned up along with the High Priestess and the World.  "These here are the pregnancy cards." I pointed to the Ace of Wands and the Ace of Pentacles. Dude's eyes went wide. "The ace of wands is a creation card, beginnings, seeds, fertility. And the ace of pentacles is manifestation. Anything that can become physical is about to. Could be a project, a loan as the pentacles are money related too."  He started to touch the Ace of Swords card asking about it. "Extreme force, extreme emotions. But can also be a card of valor, champions." He nodded swallowing as I went on about the rest of the cards. The high priestess being a card of the unknown, the ace of cups being connected to abundance, and the world endings and beginnings.  But he seemed too quiet, just sitting there not really listening to me. Walsh just stood there for the first couple of minutes then wandered over to my computer.
Buddy sat there scratching his ear for a moment then really embarrassed, just blushing like crazy, said his ex-girlfriend told him few days ago she was pregnant.  My cousin turned around in the computer chair just stunned.

Buddy-:"I hadn't told anyone. No one. Cause we aren't sure we're keeping it."  I pointed to the High Priestess saying that's where the unknown part was most likely coming in. "Thanks for letting me use your bathroom. And..." he stood up totally beet red. "I don't know why you think you're not good enough to charge money. Cause that was mindblowing."

Walsh-:"I've told you get over your insecurities."

They left and I just sort of sat there for a few minutes on a total high. That wrong of me to be giddy that I just confirmed the dude's fears?  I don't remember the last time I've seen all four aces come up in a reading, that's like a miracle on it's own. 
I've had readings done for me over the years by people who have degrees in it. They're the ones who end up blowing my mind with readings; some of who have written books on tarot. And I've had readings done by people who made me wonder if they'd ever even shuffled a deck before that day? 
I would love to do readings professionally. It's an idea I've wrestled with for years. But I know I'm not as good as someone who can break down every single card's symbol and connection and get into the philosophy, psychology, of it. I get random vibes and images when I read. I think what makes a great reader is someone who can mix the two.

Okay, so for me that was an excellent reading even if it was bad news for the dude.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday Feb 23rd 2015

Last night, for almost an hour and half straight, just before the ppv, my ears were burning. Interesting enough. They've been burning tonight now for the last half hour as well. Huh?
Why is it, that all the male witches seem to be gay?  I've met a few male witches online and all of them are gay.

Oh Herman, it's funny. Trying to write this but very distracted tonight because wrestling is on. Mad Hatter was just on. And my ears cooled just a bit.
Rebel without a Cause is on now, ears burning once more. Anyways Herman, I'm sort of writing this post it note because I'm just working on the next segment of the fairy tale. Actually dreamed of the characters last night.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy, I imagine you checking in tonight, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. A blue shirt with a small tear at the sleeve. I think you've got a coffee in one hand and checking your cell phone in the other, iPod in your right ear.
Speaking of ears, mine just cooled again...huh guess someone finds me worth mentioning. As always

Smile smirk and snarl

Thursday, February 19, 2015

post it note 18th new moon

Dear Mr. Scratchy:
Just watched the Thursday night show which we get a day early here in Canada. So it's actually the Wednesday night show...anyways, I see Mad Hatter did something I suggested...nice. And he made it funny for the amount of time he had.
New moon, new monthly zodiac and Chinese New Year all back to back today. Great energy because of it.  And I decided to face one of my fears. If you want to call it that. More like stop this one set of excuses for doing something I used to love. Started a project, in which I looked like crap but it will improve over time.
I know, bit of a twisted half hint but Herman, if you're meant to see it you will.  Okay Herman, I'm exhausted, my ears have been burning since last night off and on, and for some reason my ribs are killing me.
So this is the part where I say I imagine you checking in to this tonight/morning dressed in a navy thermal long sleeved shirt and dark jeans, a take away coffee in hand, the stir stick hanging out of your mouth, ipod in your ears playing the playlist from the fairytale...and why the hell do I suddenly think you have drum sticks in your back pocket?  Alright lets go with it...I prefer bass players but whatever eh?
As usual smile smirk and snarl.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Monday Feb 16th

I got a message from my cousin Walsh, asking if we'd heard anything about my dad. I told him what the doctor's said, he's out of ICU but not well enough just yet for the heart surgery. He needs to be able to handle being put under for them to do the heart surgery, and he's just not yet. The medications he would need to take before hand, could trigger another stroke.

Then Walsh tried to lighten the mood by getting to the silly.

Walsh-:"You see the promo Mad Hatter did? That was totally cause of what you wrote."

Me-:"Okay. Wh..."  my phone rang before I could finish sending my message. "Yeah?"

Walsh-:"Sorry. My phone died, on the land-line. Did you get what I sent?"

Me-:"Yeah, you said he read my blog today."

Walsh-:"Don't sound so enthused. You handling it all okay?"   I could hear him running water and cupboards being closed.

Me-:"You making coffee?"


Me-:"Great, now you've got me wanting one."  I didn't feel like getting up and going to the kitchen so I just sat there thinking about a coffee. The steam rolling from the cup in grey-silver tendrils, the swirl of the liquid as the milk clouded for a half coffee junkie's porn.

Walsh-:"You still there?"

Me-:"Debating on how lazy I am right now if I want that coffee bad enough."    My cousin laughed at me. "One of these days, I would love to see Mad Hatter do a promo in long red underwear."  my cousin broke out laughing again, like choking unable to breath laughing. "With a big moose on his shirt. Then I'll know."  I gave in and went to the kitchen and made myself a coffee.

Walsh-:"Know what?"


I told him I had to go and finished watching the show.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Friday 13th 2015 10:30pm

Ever have one of those moments when you think someone is flirting with you but you're not sure?  I went to the pizza place few buildings away today at lunch time. Which I must remember next time to wait an hour, as it was jammed wall to wall with teenagers on lunch-break. Anyways, I was standing there in line waiting my turn, and the guy ahead of me when asked if he wanted anything to drink replied "beer." 
The server started to kid around with him, saying he'd buy the first round if the dude picked up the rest of the check. He continued on in that manner, pointing out how with it being Friday before Valentines' that it was "single's day" at the bars.  He said this three times within a minute. The guy standing ahead of me turned towards me, hooked his thumb at the server and said "he want's someone to take pity on him. Ask him out."

I stood there half expecting one of the teenaged girls sitting at the nearest table to make a comment, as I had seen a few of them just drooling over the server. 
And he was cute. 6 '2, jet black hair, brown eyes, couldn't have been more then 24-25.  Surprisingly, none of the teenaged girls took the bait. All of them just quietly ate their pizzas. Odd in itself right?
While the dude ahead of me was waiting for his order, the server took my order and disappeared into the back.  The teenaged girls left while he was back there.

When the server returned, he joked a bit more about it being single's day with the guy ahead of me, then handed him his order.  My next thought was he was flirting with the guy.  As I was standing there waiting for my food, one of the teenaged girls returned, walked up to the edge of the counter and flat out asked him for his number.  He blushed, just stood there for a few beats then told her it wouldn't be right, as he was into someone else.  The girl blushed and left almost in a run.

Then he turns to me and goes "Don't you just hate that? When you get caught with someone interested in you when you're so not into them?"  I just sort of smiled not knowing what to say. Cause usually, I'm the one asking some guy for his number and him turning me down. The next thing out of his mouth sort of threw me. "I've seen you going to the grocery. When I've been coming to work. Seen you walking past here like all the time. So you must live around here then eh?"  I said that I lived across the parking lot. He nodded and handed me my order. I was about to leave when he commented that he'd be there all day tomorrow running the place by himself, because it was Valentine's day and he was the only staff single, everyone else had a date. 

Pizza dudes gotta love them.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Oh boy!

My phone rang few hours ago, it was my mom. I was terrified to pick it up, just knowing there was going to be bad news on the other end. My mother was yelling, but not why you would think.

Mom-:"Is this for real or is it a publicity stunt?"

Me-:"Is what for real?"

Mom-:"I just saw this post on facebook about Rebel without a Cause."  My mind being on death and hospitals and the like, I thought the next sentence was going to be that there was a horrible accident involving a bunch of my favourite wrestlers.  She read me the post, with much laughing as she did. I waited processing the information.

Me-:"Oh my god mom! You scared the shit out of me! With everything going on..."

Her laughter soon turned to hostility. She went from reading the post to me twice, her voice getting louder and more high pitched, focusing on the whole scandal, then she jumped right into talking about dad and how she was glad the internet wasn't around like it is now when he had his countless affairs. It was brutal. Sitting there hearing her vent her anger and frustration like that. I was almost too scared to hang up, afraid who she might call after me.

It was really sad in a way too. My parents met when they were 15 years old, and have been part of each others lives for the last 50 years. I find that in itself impossible to wrap my head around. Specially given that the last 30 of those years have been bad and bitter ones. 
By the time we got off the phone, she was crying.

Those of us who are out there searching for that right perfect mate, we don't really fathom just how long they might or might not truly be part of our lives. There's the fairy tale version of forever, and then there is the reality of forever.
One of my cousins had 8 years with her husband. They had met when she was 30 years old, were together for 7 years before they got married, and didn't even make it to their first wedding anniversary when he died. She was widowed before her 38th birthday.

While I had been on the phone with her, I got a message from my cousin Walsh about the Rebel without a Cause thing.

Walsh-:"You seen this?"

Me-:"Heard."   I seriously wasn't in the mood.


Granted, my family can't deal with real stuff like life and death situations, and meddling in other people's love lives is something we turn to when we can't handle. I used to be such a good matchmaker back in the day, but that was years ago.

Me-:"The dude's human."

Walsh-:"You should blog about it. He reads you right?"

I kept waiting for my cousin to ask how things were going with my family, but he didn't. Just kept it light, focused on the wrestler. I got angry, just wanted to scream at him. Ended up breaking down crying for awhile.
The one time I want to have a serious conversation about a real topic, no one wants to. They all want to be distracted. Real emotions are exhausting. Bottling them up, letting them loose, feeling like you should have seen it coming, being mad at yourself for not being able to get over it sooner, or worse, for having gotten over it quicker then others thought you should.

How do you deal with something you're just not grown up enough to deal with?

Feb 10th 2015

I swear the world runs on drama. I know my life seems to.

My sister called me the other night, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Which, is not something you would consider normal between us.  She is listed as one of two contacts on our dad's emergency list.
He's currently in hospital, in ICU after having suffered two massive strokes. They also found a heart blockage and cancer.  If he makes it through this, he'll need someone to feed him and clean him. If he doesn't, then he won't make it through the weekend.

My family life was not pretty. Our father was an abusive man. I haven't had anything to do with him in over a decade, or his side of the family for that matter.

The other name on the emergency list was his ex-girlfriend. Who left him three years ago, for god only knows what reasons. She showed up last night causing all kinds of shit for my sister and mom.

I don't know how I feel.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm hurt...I hate the fact I still care.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Memories of you

I was digging through a box in the storage room just a bit ago, and came across my old video camera. It still had a tape lodged in it, and even though the battery no longer takes a charge, in fact the battery charger seems to have been lost in the move; the cable to plug it in was there in the box. So, I powered up the old camera and it works. The video tape that was in the machine, had footage of myself and a buddy from few years ago hanging out being goofs. I was about forty pounds thinner as it was obviously pre-knee injury.
I haven't thought of this man in years, but I found myself really missing him all of a sudden. I loved talking to him, which we did all the time. 
What I didn't like, was being around him for too long physically. As much as I found him to be a blast, and a really sweet guy; I didn't feel completely safe around him.

I know how out there this is going to sound, but when we were mire feet away hanging in a coffee shop or god forbid, driving anywhere, I would get a strange vibe off him. I feared being in a car with him at any point just because he was a reckless driver. And being in any kind of physical space with him for more then twenty minutes, would have my skin crawling.

There always seemed to be this vortex around him. I wish I had a better way to describe the vibe, but there was just something...unsettling about him.

My horoscope lately has talked about memories and doors opening to second chances. I chalked it up to the former one night stand having contacted me the other week, but now I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to it then just that?