Monday, February 20, 2017

Dirty Laundry 65

My phone rang. Scared the life out of me cause other than my mother, everyone else texts. So it rang, and the caller id said it was the hospital. I went to full on panic mode. Ended up being Pussycat.

Me-:"What happened?"

Pussycat-:"What. Nothing, lost my phone so stopped in here to use the phone. Oh my god, I couldn't even think where to go to find a phone anymore. They need to bring back phone booths for when stuff like this happens."

Me-:"You bastard! What do you want?"

Pussycat-:"I met a guy!"

Me-:"The guy from Valentine's?"

Pussycat-:"What? No doll, not him he's done. Done had and no repeats remember. No I mean I met a guy for you."

Me-:"I'm not interested."    as much as I love Pussycat, I'm not sure I want to trust his taste in men. Which is sad, cause if he were straight, I'd be totally after him. Yeah, dude, that's messed up I know. The irony is not totally lost on me.

Pussycat-:"You know it cost 75 cents for this call? Oh my god, I remember when it was 10 cents for local calls."

Me-:"Well, like you said no one needs phone booths anymore."

Pussycat-:"Well, they should. Make it so much easier for when you loose your phone. But, you need to meet this guy, he's perfect for you. He's a bartender..."

Me-:"I'm not interested."

Pussycat-:"Shut up and listen. He's a bartender, met him in my yoga class. Girl! The ass on him was like a big slab of butter! I wanted to cry his ass was perfect! Like that guy from that superhero movie the British guy Cubberbutt or what is his name?"

Me-:"Benedict Cumberbatch."

Pussycat-:"Yeah that guy. He's hot."

Me-:"Yes he is. His butt is little on the flat side for me but...all puns intended."

Pussycat-:"Well I think it's perfect. Anyways, he's got a beard, long dark hair..."

Me-:"I'm really not interested. No seriously, I hate long hair on men. I'm not overly thrilled with beards either." 

Pussycat-:"He's just gotten divorced..."

Me-:"I don't date divorced men either. Give up. Thanks for thinking of me, but everything you just listed, I've dated before. Like, broken my own rules gone against my gut instincts and massively regretted it; dated before. I'm grateful you thought of me when you saw him, but he's not my type in anyway."

Pussycat-:"Okay miss thang. Miss king shit. What then is your type?"

Me-:"For starters, short hair. And I mean short hair, like if it's at the collar it's too long. Clean shaven, thick thighs. Bit of a tummy, chest hair. Men who look like their age you know. I don't want to be with a guy wondering if I should be blowing him or burping him. That too smooth skinned waxing thing men do way too often is a turn off."    when guys are like walking skeletons that's a turn off too. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year, but I have this thing about being with men who's thighs are at lest as large as my own.

Pussycat-:"The Salesman had a beard."

Me-:"Not when I first met him he didn't. And he only had the beard for like a month before he shaved it off again."

Pussycat-:"Well, pretend to be interested because I gave him your number told him to text you."

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Dirty Laundry 64

Pussycat was drunk when he called me. Yes, called me. Not texted, but actually phoned. That's how drunk he was.

Pussycat-:"What's your perfect man?"

Me-:"Don't you mean who?"

Pussycat-:"No. what? I'm going to find you someone tonight! Girl!"

Me-:"I'll believe that when I see it. Where are you? I thought you were on a date?"

Pussycat-:"Later, later not till he gets off work. I'm with my girls."   he actually meant his drag queen friends. When he's with actual female friends he calls them by their names. "Pub crawling doll. Tell me!"

Me-:"God, I don't even know anymore."

Pussycat-:"We're going to the next one now cause, it's all good baby. I've got your instagram up dolly. I'm going to be your fairy godmother get it. Fairy. I'm your fairy god drag mother."  he mumbled something I couldn't catch and ended the call.

Here's the thing about Valentine's Day. Most people don't realize it started off as a pagan fertility rite. Names would be put into a bucket or bowl or what have you, and people would randomly draw a name, then go off and have sex. So if a half dozen couples had been trying for a long time to have kids, and nothing was working, this was their chance to see who was the cause of not having kids, without cheating. Really romantic right? Some places used masks instead of the draw. Which is where part of the whole masquerade ball came from. Party goers would have these elaborate masks and without knowing who, they would hook up with someone. Good in some ways I suppose, bad in others.  And lets not forget the fact, the sex rites were to make sure the crops were good for the coming year. Sex magick is still the best way to add energy to a spell.

Pussycat called back shortly after 8pm. Again, asking me what my ideal man would be. Again, mumbling something and having the call end. I think he was trying to show people photos while still trying to talk on the phone? Yeah, like I said, he's already drunk.  Which is sad in itself. When I met him, he had been two years sober. Now, he's toasted a lot.

So while he's being him tonight, I'm sitting here listening to the neighbours sneak into the hallway, and talk to the people they are having affairs with, or the girlfriends they have out of town, while the other neighbours fight over what restaurant they are going to, and why they feel disappointed by the lack of attention. Etc, etc, etc.

He called again while I was typing this.

Me-:"Norman Reedus. I like guys who look like Norman Reedus."   well, doesn't everyone?  He wouldn't know who any of my wrestlers are so there isn't a point in telling him.

Monday, February 13, 2017

post it note Feb 13th 2017

Dear Mr. Scratchy:

It's 9:30pm EST where I am, sitting here trying to write the next piece of the fairy tale, yawning my head off.  I posted something few weeks ago on that blog. It got five times the normal amount of hits in three hours, than I get for a post in a full week. I will assume you saw the post and know what I'm talking about. I have to admit, Herman, the fact it went unanswered sort of left me deflated.

Anyways, I just felt the need to write a quick note. Just to say hey. So hey.  My friend Marie was running the psychic fair this weekend. She told me that most of the clients wanted to know about if they were going to meet a new boyfriend/girlfriend this year? There really is only two things people want a reading for, and thats to find out about love or money. Pussycat and I had a small bet going, that he would be asked out before tomorrow night. Just when he thought he'd won the bet, one of the guys who used to be a regular at the cafe texted him. So I win. The craziest bit of serendipity happened during my chat with Marie. I commented about the blog post and the number of hits, and she quoted a line she'd heard from a song once. "That you need to remember when you're dreaming of someone, there is someone out there dreaming of you". Neither of us could remember the song or the band or what have you, but it made me smile thinking of that idea.

I imagine you checking in tonight, sweat pants, and an orange-yellow shirt. Some faded logo on it for one of your buddies. I think you've got a bowl of instant ramen in hand, and a banana.  Don't ask, I have no idea why. I also think you've got a radio station on in the background. Oldies station. 70's music. I believe your hands are covered in paint. Cause I think you've taken up painting again. Shades of black-blue and coral. The craziest part of this is that I want to say your painting something for your grandmother.

Well Herman, Mr. Scratchy; good night and I do hope once and a while you maybe dream of me. It's comforting to think someone does.

P.S. Tell New Favourite, I just discovered his old comedy show. Unless you're him...in which case Herman; I don't know what to say.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

Dirty Laundry 63

It's been one of those days again, where I couldn't keep up with the texting. I got a message from my cousin Walsh asking me if I was okay.

Me-:"Yeah, why?"

Walsh-:"My mom said you fell. What happened?"

Me-:"For once nothing. Wasn't me it for once. It was my sister. She was walking their dog and slipped on a patch of ice. Broke her tailbone and tore up her knee."

Walsh-:"Damn eh? She needing surgery?"

Me-:"Not sure yet. The doctors told her to come back in a couple of days when some of the swelling has gone down, cause the x-rays weren't clear."

I barely managed to sit down with my coffee when I got a text from Pussycat. 

Pussycat-:"The Salesman was asking about you!"

Me-:"Oh? When was this?"

Pussycat-:"This morning. I bumped into him at the fancy tea place in the mall."

Me-:"Yeah, I bumped into him last week too while I was there. What was he saying?"

Pussycat-:"Asked how often you go to the occult shop and when you might be there again. He's so still interested!"

Me-:"Have you ever actually seen him there? Cause I haven't. Like ever."

Pussycat-:"No haven't either."

When I had bumped into him last week, I commented on a necklace he was wearing, mentioning I'd seen something similar at the occult shop. The Salesman told me he hung out there all the time. But I've never seen him there. Nor has any of the staff mentioned seeing him. They are starting to play matchmaker, and last few times a new guy has come through the shop, they've messaged me. The Salesman has never been on their radar.

Pussycat-:"I told him you should be there on the weekend."

Me-:"What you do that for?"

Pussycat-:"Cause doll, he likes you"

Me-:"Then why not just ask me out the other day? Or ask for my number?"

Pussycat-:"No idea. But go find out."

I couldn't get the whole thing off my mind all day. I haven't thought about The Salesman in months, and suddenly he's popping up like weeds. I texted my cousin Walsh.

Me-:"Do you think I should bother with The Salesman again?"

Walsh-:"No."

Me-:"Okay, why?"

Walsh-:"Just a gut reaction."

Me-:"Can you explain that?"

Walsh-:"Not really."

Me-:"Big help thanks."

Walsh-:"You asked."

I have to admit, I need to know, when I walk into a room, the guy I'm there to see is happy I'm there. To actually see that look where I know the guy is having that butterfly moment, because he's near giddiness that I'm there.  The Salesman doesn't do that for me.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Dirty Laundry 62

Just got a text from my cousin Walsh, "What did you think?"

Me-:"What am I thinking about?"

Walsh-:"The show last night."

Me-:"What show?"

Walsh-:"Company Two."

Me-:"Haven't watched it in months. Why?"

Walsh-:"New Fav was on."

Me-:"Brilliant, why'd you not tell me when the show was on?"

Walsh-:"Thought you were watching it."

Me-:"No, gave up on all of it months ago. Last wrestling I watched was New Company back like October. Was actually thinking about getting rid of my sports package cause there's no indication New Company will be back on Canadian tv."

Walsh-:"There's a replay tomorrow." he was meaning Company Two

Me-:"Thanks. At lest that will help with the fairy tale and maybe keep the writer's block away."

Walsh-:"I told you, they have a youtube."   he was meaning New Company.

Me-:"Yeah, and I think I've seen the one promo of his like 30 times now. There's only so much storyline I can squeeze out of a 45 second promo."

Walsh-:"hahaha! Well there you go. He's back on Canadian tv."

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

post it note Jan 18 2017

Dear Mr. Scratchy:

Been too long Herman. Too long. I was sitting here tonight, processing some of the events happening around me. My day started with a text from Pussycat, telling me he's quit the cafe. Sad to hear that one. He then informed me that the last tarot reading I had done there for Princess came full blown true. I predicted she'd start dating a tall man who happens to be a Pisces or Cancer zodiac. I was seeing a water personality. And she's begun dating a Pisces. Here's hoping her fishy is a much more decent one than the Pisces men I've dated over the years.
My afternoon was uneventful, unless you want to consider the very nice East Indian guy who was being yelled at in the hallway by his one girlfriend. She's Canadian and just found out he's got a fiancee in India. And I know this because they were literally leaning on my front door when she started swearing at him. This is what I get for being so close to the exit.  Scared someone is going to get shoved into it and break my locks.
Supper time was almost as fun, not as scary but you know...odd. My ex ----- has taken to standing right outside my window when he goes out for a smoke. I can't believe he's still living in the building. Marie, one of the girls from my witch group, couldn't believe I ever dated him. Told me I could do better. I know this. I have done better since.
Well, I've got some work on the fairy tale to do. So...I really want to ask you a bunch of questions about movies. I watched this one the other day, and there was a line in it that got me thinking. Anyways...

I imagine you checking in tonight Herman, dressed in those black track pants, a yellow t-shirt with some faded logo on it. Those little wired rimmed glasses I think you wear, and a cup of tea beside you. I believe you're winding down after a long day, maybe sitting with the tv on while you check in. I want to say that you've got the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas on in the background, god only knows why that popped into my head.

p.s. I've typed this twice and deleted it but...I want to say watch your back. The real reason I felt the need to post this tonight Herman, is that the ten of swords and the five of pentacles has been coming up all week in the tarots. Grief and mistakes. And everyone in my physical life seems to be good with their current situations. Or at lest at peace with them.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Picture the real you

I got a text from my aunt, Walsh's step mom few hours ago out of nowhere  "You need to put on some make-up."

Me-:"Huh? Was that meant for me?"

Aunt-:"I was just noticing that you're not wearing any make-up in your photos. On instagram."

Me-:"I never wear make-up."   which is true, other than eyeliner and shadow.

Aunt-:"You will look prettier when you do yourself up. I have a friend who makes these organic lipsticks, she's actually got a profile on there."  she sent me the link.  

A-ha! This was about money. My aunt is co-owner in like a million different things here in town. She's always pushing some product or business. This had nothing to do with my level of ugliness. Mostly.

Aunt-:"Why didn't you tell me you're on instagram? I would have sent you a ton of links"

Me-:"Cause I just joined the other day. Didn't think about it."

I immediately had to message my cousin, cause his step mom was making me feel like crap. 

Me to Walsh-:"Hey. You're step mom just texted me. Told me I'm not pretty enough for photos."

Walsh-:"hahahahah! How's everything else?"

Me-:"Same as always. I've hit another writer's block."

Walsh-:"Oh? I haven't been to your blog since before Hallowe'en. Give me a bit I'll catch up with the fairy tale." 

I managed to make supper and watch half an episode of Star Trek before he got back to me.

Walsh-:"I don't see anything wrong with it? It seems to me like you're on a bit of a roll actually."

Me-:"Yeah? I'm not feeling it. Dude! I swear every time I comment about how I'm inspired, my muse is taken from me. I talked about how I totally dig the New Company, and like a week later they are no longer on tv."

Walsh-:"hahaha! I think I saw a post about that on their facebook."

Me-:"Yeah. I actually caught that."

Walsh-:"It's dated after you made your comment about it."

Me-:"Yeah, I think I cursed it and myself. The show got cursed because I said I like it. And now I'm stuck without a muse. Writer's block sucks."

Walsh-:"It's not like they are sitting there beside you whispering in your ear what to write."

Me-:"I'm a very out of sight out of mind though, I need to have constant fresh footage to inspire.Why wrestling works so well. Same guys, different stuff."

Walsh-:"They have a youtube you know."

Me-:"This is me sticking my tongue out at you right now, tongue out spit flying."

Walsh-:"You know what? I think they wrote that for you, cause you said they were your new muse."

Me-:"Did you forget to wear your hardhat at work today? A hammer fall off a ladder and smash your brains in?"

Walsh-:"Then I would be dead. Think about it. Even you have to admit the timing of it is weird."

Me-:"Only thing I have to admit is you have a lot of theories that you mind warp me into believing."

Walsh-:"I don't mind warp you, when have I ever mind warped you?"

Me-:"You drilled it into my head about Kevin back in school, about your one buddy few years ago.You are evil."

Walsh-:"Fine! I'm the devil. But, I'm standing by this one. I think they announced because you did."

Me-:"That would mean that someone at the New Company would have to know who I am."

Walsh-:"Well, it makes sense right? We know there are a few wrestlers who do read you."

Me-:"We know they used to, but who knows about now a days?"

Walsh-:"Don't! No pouting! You never know who your fans are till you meet them."

Me-:"I dont' have fans."

Walsh-:"Then what do you call your regulars?"

Me-:"Regular readers."

Walsh-:"Yeah, that's the definition of a fan."

Me-:"No. Fans interact. My readers just read. And talk among themselves, cause my ears burn a lot right after I post the fairy tale each week."

Walsh-:"hahahahah! That's funny."

Me-:"The muse becomes the muse or something?"

Walsh-:"You know what you should do...instagram! Honestly I hate to say it but my step mom is right, you need to use it for dating."

Me-:"You're not funny."

Walsh-:"Not trying to be. Make sure you put up a few photos of yourself in something hot with make-up."

Me-:"You're still not funny."

Walsh-:"I'm just telling you like it is."