Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Druid and the Pirate

I had gone to the occult store across town, met this semi-good looking guy hanging around there. And of course surprise surprise, he was gay. I swear, there isn't a straight male witch on this planet outside of movies. Anyways, the Druid and I were talking about rituals, and spell books. This is actually the second guy in a month I've met who is a druid. The first guy, I met while waiting in line at the bagel shop in the mall. He was straight but married. I swear my luck gets worse not better.

After leaving there, I headed to the comic store and I can't even tell you why? I literally spotted the sign for the place as I was walking down the street towards the bus, and just turned heading inside. I am not a comic person, so this was one of those gut reactions to go in there.
Anyways, this dude was standing at the far end of the place, dressed in leather pants, a black vest, black shirt and long trenchcoat, his hair jet black and more eyeliner then me. My first thought was he was either coming from a play or he's a massive fan of Once Upon a Time, cause he looked like the actor who plays Hook.  He started picking up random comics and commenting loudly about how the storylines in them sucked, and the problem with them these days is that there are too many crossover stories. 
I wandered through the store, just feeling...not even sure? Still don't know why I wandered in there to begin with? But the Pirate leaned over the bin of comics, raised an eyebrow at me asking if I agreed. I just gave a half smile and moved on. The salesman asked if there was anything he could help me with, and I said no as I spotted some old band shirts. And while I was standing there looking at some Megadeth and Kiss t-shirts, the Pirate decided to come over to where I was, walk a full circle around me, and then stood there just hovering. I still am not sure what to think of him? He was cute I'll give him that.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

My mind tricked me

I was on my way to the grocery about an hour ago, staring at the construction workers, gazing dreamily into the window of the sandwich shop when I looked up to see this guy. My heart stopped for a half second as I nearly lost by breath.
There was this dude who was about 5 '8, half a mohawk-ish style slicked back, great arms walking a foot and a half ahead of me at warp speed through the parking lot.
Seriously, my brain shut down for the minute and a half as I continued to move on auto-pilot towards the store.  The guy kept looking over his shoulder like he was expecting to be raped or mugged or something.

I got into the store and walked past what I was looking for about five times before my mind cleared. Either I just saw the best look alike ever, or...The Celebrity is in town.

Never saw this dude straight on, so can't say if I've just lost my bleeding mind, or what?  I of course messaged my cousin Walsh asking him if there was any indie wrestling companies in town? Not to his knowledge.

Walsh-: "But...did you know that the Mexican Vampire is in town?"

Me-:"Yeah. He moved back like a year ago. Heard about it on the news...well mom heard about it on the news and told me."

Walsh-:"And you never told me!"

Me-:"Hey Walsh, guess what the Mexican Vampire moved back to town mom said she saw it on the news."

Walsh-:"Not funny. But if he's in town then it's totally possible that you saw The Celebrity."

Me-:"I would rather think it was a look alike. Hate to think I was literally two feet from my favourite wrestler, favourite famous person and..."

Walsh-:"And didn't faint at his feet. Haha!"

Me-:"Pretty much. What if it was him?"

Walsh-:"Then...I don't know? Anything is possible"

Me-:"Had to be a look alike, why would he be sprinting through the city? If it was some crazy off chance The Celebrity was here slumming in our crappy city, wouldn't he be driving?"

Walsh-:"Again, remember anything is possible."

Of course, be it him, look alike, or just a really hot dude; I was looking like the creature from the black lagoon today. Whenever I bother to do hair and make-up and such, the streets are empty like a ghost town. But when I barely run a comb through my hair, I am tripping over hot guys. Figures.

That is seriously all I'm going to be able to think about now. What if and why?

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Here's the pattern

A guy messaged me on the dating site. Which I had once again lost faith in. Anyways, he messaged we chatted very briefly, and made plans for coffee. Only on the day of, he never messaged to confirm. Right, surprisingly, I was fine with it. He wasn't my type, and I only said yes, well because no one's asked in a long while.
A few days go by, and suddenly Mr. No Show, messages asking how I am. Tell him I'm fine, and then he asks if I want to try again. Tell him sure, and we set a semi-date.  Again, my gut tells me he isn't going to show, and again I'm fairly okay with it.
Right, he didn't. Then I get a message a few days after that telling me he's going to Vancouver till the new year for work. When he gets back he wants to try once more to have that coffee.
Fine whatever.   

This has been the base pattern for the last few years with me. A guy I'm not interested in, chats it up makes vague plans and cancels. The weird part is, I always know when the cancellation call/message is coming.

You've heard of the rebound, well I guess this makes me the practice run. And it never gets out the gate. Maybe that's why I'm not fully interested in the guy? Because I know he's not really interested in me?
Figuring out how to break this pattern is the hardest thing that seems to have crossed my path.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Then and now

Two days ago, I bumped into a guy I had gone to college with. Haven't seen him in 20 years, didn't even know he was still living in town.
He hasn't aged a day. His hair was shorter but otherwise, he looked just the same as he did back in 1995.

We just stared at each other. Silly, I know, but neither of us spoke. We both just kept looking at each other, turning away at first when the other caught us looking. Then, just stood there staring each other in the eye.  He was fifteen or so feet away from me in line at the post office.

In college, we had been drinking buddies. I had a total crush on him, but he was always dating someone else. Always a new chick every few weeks. 

I have no idea what it was that froze me in place, keeping me from actually saying hi?  Just staring at him like I was a silly teenager once again.  Yeah, totally kicking myself for not having the guts to do anything.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

post it note Aug 4th 2015

Dear Herman:

I just wanted to come in and write you a little note.  It's been way too long since I have let myself believe in...well this I suppose. 
The other day, this 20something guy saw me walking down the street and opened a door for me. I wasn't even going into that building, I was headed to the building next to it, but it was just very cool and sweet and so not the kind of thing that happens to me. V-neck shirt and a bra really does do wonders eh?
Definitely the boost I needed that day.

Weird dream about The Celebrity; nothing interesting, nothing steamy sadly enough, just a dream about him cooking eggs. They were scrambled eggs. So weird, so out of place.  Maybe not so much, given the way I would tease him on my blog about food for those few years. So I suppose fitting.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy, I imagine you checking in tonight, drained of energy. I believe you're dressed in navy shorts, bare feet, a red baseball cap on backwards, and have a red twizzlers candy hanging out of your mouth. I think you've just made yourself a cup of tea, and are catching up with the last three parts of the fairy tale.

I hope I put a smirk on your lips tonight.

as always, smile smirk and snarl.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Cooking with tarots

I was out for a few hours this morning, ended up stopping at mom's and then the grocery on the way home. Old grocery, in the old neighbourhood.  Storm was working, and he screamed at me from across the whole place, very hyper.

This lady who was standing right behind me at the tofu counter, was looking around and she is like "Oh, he's talking to you. I'm like who the hell is that, I don't know him why is he calling me, but he's not he was talking to you." then she just giggled, started to walk away and came back "Shame, thought he was flirting with me." she shrugged and walked off.

Storm-:"You are looking really good. I mean really good."

Me-:"Thanks. I've lost 30 pounds." I didn't tell him it's taken since x-mas to do so, but still.  "So what's new?"

Storm-:"The cherries are half price."

Me-:" No what's new in your life?"

Storm-:"Oh! My ex and I broke up again. But I'm dating this new chick."  The smile on his face was like a little kid. "What's new with you?"

Me-:"Not much. Doing the tarot readings."

Storm-:"Oh yeah! I've just got a set of runines."


Storm-:"Yeah, however you pronounce it."  he went on for a good ten minutes then about some instructor he came across on youtube and how he's getting into the Aztec mythology.  He ended up writing down the dude's name making me promise to check it out. 

As I was leaving the place, I decided to head into starbucks, and there was this group of construction workers just hanging around waiting for their orders. One just kept staring at me. On the walk home, an old guy tipped his hat to me as he passed.  He actually tipped his hat. Like something you see in a movie about the 1800's.
And then there was the dude in the silver van who was just grinning at me like a goof while at the lights, and started waving. I have no idea who it was. One of those situations when I had to look around to see who was behind me. There wasn't anyone. No cars even waiting to cross in that direction.

So weird some days.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Take that as a sign

I was just thinking how dating this time around has been uneventful and totally misleading compared to when I was younger. Comparing the time I met -----, and how my life has changed in areas and not in others. I had just made a cup of tea, sat down to check my messages, and there in my inbox was a newsletter from some life coach dating guru. 
The opening line said in big bold pink letters "Don' Give Up On LOVE...You're never too old for real love"

Talk about timing or what?

I don't even remember having signed up for this particular newsletter. Must have been one of those "because you signed up for blah blah we thought you'd like blah blah blah"  those come all the time.

There is a part of me that thinks I should never have bothered to start dating again, and part of me that just can't give up on the idea of finding the right guy.  Honestly, I'm just tired of the going in circles.
Too much bad advice over the years mixed with living in a small city, has left me making really poor dating decisions.  Which now I see were really poor dating decisions. If I could flip a switch and go back in time the men I would avoid...not too mention some of the advice I'd have run away screaming from...

Anyways, it's a Friday afternoon in the middle of summer and I'm sitting here wondering what other little hidden messages the universe has up it's sleeve? 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Zero points no one wins

The dating thing was a really horrible idea. The first day, I got a message from a guy here in town, and I knew he wasn't my type in any way shape or form. But, I sent a reply because he was the first guy to send me a message.
Didn't hear anything else from him, which was fine. Til I woke up this morning and saw he'd sent me a message at 1am, last night/this morning.  I answered his question. He just messaged me again, but before I could read it, it was deleted. His profile is still there, so he obviously decided to be a dick and add me to the no fly list.  Normally, that would bother me to the ends of the earth, but dude if you're going to be a child then find someone who likes that cause I've got no time for it.

I really think that communication is only part of the issue between people these days. As I really think the core issue is that men and women have a different definition of what "dating" is. 

When women say dating we mean relationship, early stages maybe, but relationship none the less. When men it seems say dating, they mean one night stands or friends with benefits. 
When a woman says one night stand, we mean it was one night and doubt it will ever happen again.

The one decent guy I've talked with on the dating site, cut the conversation when he realized I didn't live in his city. Otherwise, he was down right perfect. 38, single no kids, 5 foot 11, jet black hair, pale skin, chocolate brown eyes, a photographer, vegan and into New Age spirituality.  Totally beyond my dream come true.  Only, he lived on the other side of the country. Damn it!  Life is truly not fair.
Seriously, could Aphrodite custom make a man for me any better?

There is a lesson in here somewhere, I'm just too tired to look.

Friday, June 19, 2015

I couldn't help but wonder

As human beings in the digital world, are we even capable of making meaningful connections anymore?  Today is the deadline I gave myself for the online dating site. One solid week of looking, messaging, working the site. 

I came up with zero.  Not one single coffee invite, not one email address or phone number, not one single conversation that passed the "how you doing?" part.

I got more then a few sleazy offers from married men, and even an attack by one witch-hunter who tried to convert me to being a Christian, because I had Wiccan listed as my religion.  The really sad part about that is that he was the only guy to actually bother to read my profile.

And my page count of how many guys were actually looking at my profile, went from a steady flow of five every two minutes, to zero in the last 24hours. Best I can figure is because I removed an old photo from 2009 that was the only full body selfie.

So it really is true, show the curves and get the stares. Or in this case, prove you don't have any and get the approval. 

I even upped the age limit I was willing to date to in the mid 40's, and expanded my search to cover the whole province I live in, not just my city.  Even that brought me nothing new.

So why do we do it?  Why do we let ourselves believe that a real connection can happen when no one is truly trying?  For some, the surface noise is enough. But for those of us out there who sort of wish the world wasn't jacked in 24/7/365, it's difficult to trust that this is the right way to "try something new".
By the shear number of men I searched through on that site, just in my province; there are a lot of lonely people out there. If they admit it or not. Granted, half of them are morons and the other half are dickheads, but that's another story itself.

So as I wrap up another chapter in my life, proving once again that I'm un-matchable in my pursuit to finding Mr. Right...I couldn't help but wonder; in a time when everything is connected, do we know when we've found a real connection?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

message in a bottle continued

My cousin Walsh stopped by for a few minutes. I was in the middle of a meltdown when he did. I had been texting my buddy the Musician, and basically freaking out whining about Mr. Uber-Hot not messaging again.  My buddy was telling me to just ask for the guy's number.

Walsh-:"Don't. Bad move."  he was reading over my shoulder the message. "Worst advice ever."  I have to agree with my cousin on this one. I went to show him the original message, and it was gone. In fact, Mr. Uber-Hot was just gone.

Me-:"Can he do that? Disappear?"

Walsh-:"Don't think so. I don't know. Maybe." 

Me-:"Great, I lost my chance before having it. Wait, does that mean he's deleted it? Or..."

Walsh-:"Deleted I would guess. Otherwise, he'd just ignore you and still show up I think?"  he slapped my shoulder. "You over think things. Don't worry about it. Besides, he's not Mr. Scratchy."

Me-:"Well, Mr. Scratchy isn't anymore either."  Totally defeated. "Okay, that's it. The universe gave me this wicked chance, and I blew it by disbelieving it was meant for me, and it was snatched away again."

Walsh-:"Sounds about right."  he laughed.

Me-:"Not helping."

Walsh-:"Neither is your buddy there. What's he telling you..." he lit a cigarette looking for something to use as an astray. Ended up grabbing my incense burner.

Me-:"That guys want playboy centerfolds."

Walsh-:"Well yeah." he snorted nearly choking on his cigarette.

Me-:"I'm doomed."

Walsh-:"Just means this guy wasn't the right one for you."

Me-:"He was beautiful! I deserve a beautiful man damn it!"

Walsh-:"I didn't say you don't. I've been telling you for how long now to stop putting yourself down. This would be sad if you weren't so funny right now. No one takes these sites seriously."

Me-:"Well, it's my last shot."

Walsh-:"Only if you believe it is. What's he saying now?" he pointed to the text from Musician.

Me-:'To update my photos and stuff. Not to give up."

Walsh-:"I think you just need to relax and not take it so seriously. And let me say again, doesn't matter because you won't be happy with anyone."

Me-:"Thanks a lot. So you're saying I can't make a man happy?"

Walsh-:"Not what I said. Don't be putting words in my mouth. I said YOU won't be happy. You are too much like our grandfather was. He wouldn't settle for anything either when he had something in his mind. And you're like that. You talk about soulmates so don't try to tell me that you're not going to be happy with anything other then what you believe is your soulmate."

Okay, I can't argue with that as much as I want to.

message in a bottle

Went for a coffee last night with my buddy the Musician. Which only slightly has anything to do with things.

Let's start with the fact, the newest hottest guy in the city messaged me yesterday. I couldn't believe it either. Part of me still thinks it's a joke or something.  Not too mention, my ears were burning like stoplights for over an hour while I was talking to this guy and getting ready to go out. 
Here's where my coffee with my buddy comes into play; I had to end the conversation with Mr. Should-Be-An-UnderwearModel because I was already late for coffee.  You know what he said, message him later. 

Message him later. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Oh yeah totally did.  Only, I totally screwed it up. Don't know how I got his attention to begin with, but when I messaged him back, he quickly forgot I existed.

I know why too. I stumbled. Just choked. Any witty cute intelligent things I had been saying to that point, stopped pouring from my typing. I froze and became like a driveling moron.
Ended up becoming my big "Miranda" moment like the episode of Sex and the City when the hot cop asks her out and she's so shocked someone thinks she's worth it, that she drinks too much and blows her cool having the guy turned off. (Season 3 "What Goes Around Comes Around", #17 of the season, #47 of series)

Why is it, I can shamelessly flirt with wrestlers constantly, making an ass out of myself telling them how hot they are, letting them know they are my current muses for my art, and the greatest thing since sliced bread and yet, when one real normal guy steps into the picture, I crack?  I become the village idiot.

Can't say my audaciousness is just because there is a computer between myself and my wrestlers, because, there was a computer between myself and Mr.Uber-Hot last night. So why is it that the average man sends me into a state of cold sweats and intimidation?

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Nothing but morning

Woke up to the sound of a very loud rap band just outside my window.  One of the neighbours pulled their car up to the building, less then a foot from my window, their doors open and speakers booming. This was before 7 am. Dude! Instantly people complained. And rightly so.

Then as I was getting a coffee, saw a message blinking on my cell phone. Surprised to see it was the Musician. He's back in town.  Didn't even know he had been out of town.  Talk about synchronicity; as I had that crazy dream the other week about him and Jimmy Jacobs. 
There was also a message from my cousin Walsh, asking if I'm "over it yet?"  Which I'm not sure what that refers to?  Kinda don't think that one was meant to be sent to me.

As I am sitting here typing this, I opened my messages from the dating site. 18 men want to meet me. None of which live in this city and are all in their 50's. 

I suddenly feel like that scene from season 6 of Sex and the City where Carrie's boss asks her to find a date for her, and then tries to steal Carrie's artist boyfriend, because dating is just depressing. (episode called "Splat!" #18 of season, #92 of series)

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

deja date 3

There are exactly 47 available straight single men in their 30's in my area. I've looked at all their profiles in the last 48hours. Messaged 4 of them. With zero replies.

Wait, it gets sadder. 

The Rooster is one of the 47 profiles. Told you he's got a different chick every night.

This is what I don't understand, in a city the size I live in, how is it that with that little available to date, we can walk past each other all day long, yet never find anyone? We have to resort to flipping through profiles online?  And heaven forbid if you try to message a guy who lives out of city. You'll get your arse jacked to the tenth degree. 
Everyone is looking to find the local, yet no one is ever happy with what's in their area.  How does that work in the end?

How much wheel spinning do we have to do before we tell the candyman to stop the ride, we just want to get off on that platform?
I just keep thinking of the scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where the Johnny Depp character kicks his buddy while in the carnival, and blames it on the carney.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Deja Date continued

Well, it's official. There are no decent available men in my city. There are some hot ones, mostly men who have moved here for the year to work. The decent ones all seem to be in the upper U.S. area, not even in my country. Go figure.

I don't know why I bothered?  

Why is it, the men I have zero interest in, are the ones messaging me, and the ones I'm interested in, don't return mine?  Law of attraction or something. What you put in, you get back. Only, you would think there would be some braking even at some point right? 

I know I'm not going to find Mr. Right, on that site, but I thought I would at lest find a decent guy for awhile.  Last time I went through all this, I spent almost a full year on it.  I just don't have the energy or patience do spend that kind of time again, just trying to make one connection.

At what point did it all become so cynical? I actually remember a time when men were just happy to find a woman who could cook more then Kraft Dinner, and were willing to get naked. Now, every guy out there is looking for the woman who can climb mountains while breast feeding and making a four course meal all at the same time.

And gross on the breast feeding by the way.

To be honest, nothing has changed that I can see as far as what type of woman snags the man. The guys out there still seem to want some 23 year old anorexic stick figure who looks like she fell straight out of a underwear catalog. The same as they did when I was younger. 

Dating sucks.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Deja Date

I'm having a "Samantha Jones" moment.  I finally broke down and went back to an old dating site I had marginal success with back like eight years ago.  Updated my old profile a bit, and to my shock and awe, was pounced upon. Okay, yeah I get it that I have "new girl smell" and am listed as new member, but some of the men messaging me, I've actually dated before.  And they didn't remember me.

Should I be insulted or grateful? 

I can't believe I am even considering...well considered given I've just spent the last four hours on through a dating site again. Ugh! Yeah, really had only one other choice for meeting guys, since the whole youtube-snag-a-male-witch didn't work. The other option would be to return to facebook, but since my entire family is on there, and connected to my old profile, I wouldn't be able to sneeze without them butting into my life.
Imagine, me actually finding Mr. Right and changing my status on there from single to in a relationship, or parish the thought, putting up a photo of me and him...I'd never survive my family's onslaught of noisiness.

So, I caved. I rejoined a dating site. I think I might be sick.

I'm officially dating again.

Dirty Laundry 52

Today I met the Rooster.

I was coming back from the grocery, and heard a door open at the far end of the hall. Looked up, and there was this guy, dressed in black track pants, a black shirt, flip-flops, carrying his trash.

I looked. Of course. Dude had jet black hair, bit too tan for my taste, okay any tan is too much of a tan for my taste, and a goatee. And from where I was standing, couldn't really see his eyes.  And tall. Can't get over how tall guys are now a days...I'm clocking him at 6foot 4.

He caught me looking. Turned his head just enough to smirk at me over his shoulder as he slowed down in the hallway, while I stood there trying to get my groceries in.  He waited, hovering in the doorway of the main doors until I closed my apartment door.  Then I watched him through the peeper for a few long seconds as he just, hovered as if waiting before heading out. Big ass grin on his face.

I've seen him pass by my window at night, always with a different chick on his arm. Never seen him in the daylight.  Here's the thing, he didn't need to go marching through the whole building to get outside to the trash shed. He could have gone through the doors by his end of the building, which is closer.  Something tells me he's the kind of guy who likes to be seen every chance he can get.
And the big thing, he's like the only man in this city who doesn't seem to bathe in the same cologne. Every guy who lives in this city seems to just roll around in that Axe stuff that was popular a decade ago everywhere else on the planet. But the Rooster, doesn't. 

A sign of class, or just really great taste?

Monday, June 8, 2015

Monday june 8th 2015

I had a chat this evening, with Jeff, the male witch. We were talking about how the world has become so overshadowed with living online, how everyone is connected but no one really pays attention.  Ironic when you think about it. Everyone is energetically together in what can only be considered a borg mentality, striving not for divine oneness as we were brought to believe in the 1960's sci-fi shows that something like this would bring. But, in fact, it's divided the world that much more.  That's an entire spiritual conversation for another time.

But it got me thinking of one thing. I miss my affair of the blog.

The whole time Jeff was talking about how no one respects each other, really honestly respects each other anymore, all I could think was few years back when The Celebrity was reading my blog.  I know, bad of me right? No, not really.
Okay, yeah, I get that he was mocking me half the time, and ripping off my blog topics the rest of the time, but in order to do so he had to spend god knows how long reading me.  I mean really reading me.

Here's the sad part. While Jeff was yammering on about how the world is a gutter, I admitted to myself, that mocking or not The Celebrity paid more attention to what I had to say then any guy I've ever dated. Ever.

Yeah, I'm not sure how to react to that either?   Other then I miss the knowing that he reads me. I miss the idea of what that means, what that could mean and the possibility it could bring. 
If a guy I've never met, never had a conversation -outside of this blogging thing- with can find it in himself to listen to what I have to say; and I mean open ears open mind, listening to what I have to say, then finding that level of connection with an average guy should be a given.

I find it a bit sad now too that company #2's blog that The Celebrity had been writing for back few years ago, no longer exists. I went just now after the conversation with Jeff to re-read some of the posts, and it's no longer there.  See, you should never take anything for granted.

And if The Celebrity is reading this...we really should catch a vampire movie sometime.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

8:48pm something something

You know you've hit rock bottom when you realize that you've managed to binge watch the entire catalog of Hallmark made for tv movies in a week, and go through a bucket of chocolate bars and a full bottle of wine alone while doing so.

Welcome to rock bottom. Feels like you'd expect it to...rough and cold. Like falling down an endless pit of despair only, there's no light at the top to shadow down on you.

This was suppose to be a time to reevaluate things, meet new people, and write. I haven't left the sofa in god knows how long, and the only thing I've written is one piece to the fairy tale. It's like every time I sit down to get started on anything else, the fairy tale nags at me, guilt tripping me into working on it yet again! Not that it's a bad thing, but it's really time to work on something else even for a few weeks.

Have not seen Jon the repair guy around at all. Nor has Mr. Freeze said anything else to me. So zero for zero no win situations.

Had a really crazy dream though the other night about wrestler Jimmy Jacobs and my former buddy the Musician.  Dreamed Jimmy Jacobs was going around the building with a clipboard checking people's hall closets for neatness, and that he barged in ripping mine apart reorganizing it. And that my former buddy the Musician was behind him mopping up muddy footprints handing him fresh pens every few seconds because every time he checked something off, he tossed the pen over his shoulder. Crazy enough right?
Damn, I havent' seen or heard from or even thought about the Musician in about four years. Wonder if he even still lives here?

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Remember Dionysus gave rock n roll to you

I was just listening to that old song from 1989 by Kiss "Hide Your Heart".  One of those backwards love songs that you don't think of as a love song right off the bat because it's not slow. It's not until you listen to a few lines that you get it.  It's also got a deeper underline to it.  Be careful what you choose. Or in this case, who you choose.
It's the age old idea of following your heart or your head. Which is something that everyone finds themselves in the middle of more then once in their life, and not always about relationships either.

I'm sure I freaked out a few of the neighbours as they walked down the hallway just now, as I sang along to it. I had one of those moments during the song where I had wished I'd followed my heart when I was younger and had had the opportunity to sing. Really sing, not just...well not just the starts and stops in an old friends garage band that never made it past first rehearsal or the bad choices I made for myself because of hanging around karaoke bars. The many many bad choices I made because of the people I hung around with in karaoke bars.  Bloody hell, there's about ten years of my relationships that started and ended brutally in karaoke bars.

The thought flashed through my mind while I was singing the song loudly, about how age is just a number to some, and for others it's the biggest divide.

Here's the thing; right before I got the incredible urge to listen to this song, I had asked the universe for a sign. Can't tell you what about, just that I asked for a sign and this song was firmly stuck in my head for a bit forcing me to find it and listen.
The song did something else. It flashed in my mind a quote about a question that more then one of those relationship gurus have asked over the years. Can you live with the idea that you might never actually meet your soulmate and be okay with it?  My original thought was no, I can't. Which quickly faded as I thought about the lyrics I was belting out, and how the song flips from one character finding real honest love to the other having an obsessive love relationship. The kind that can leave you abused physically and emotionally. 

Crap. Back to soulmates.  Why does everything in my life come back to soulmates? Even when I just want to sing?  And with my mind flashing back to the topic of soulmates, how some say they are there just to help us learn karmic lessons and how some say they are rewards for those struggles that the karmic lessons teach us. And yet, how some say they are our mirror selves.

The song is only 4minutes and 30seconds long. That's a lot of weight to crash down in such a short few minutes. 

Did I find the sign I was looking for before listening to the song?  If I did, I wasn't smart enough to notice. But the song did remind me that fear can make us make choices that are bad for us; and make the wrong choices that spiral out of control. I need reminding sometimes that every choice we make, affects not just us, but others as well.

Oh, and during that 4minutes and 30seconds I was lost in the song, my right side itched madly. First time in a really long time it would seem that Mr. Scratchy was thinking of me.  See, and there's the topic of soulmates again.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Dirty Laundry 51

I got a message from my cousin Walsh bit ago. "You're giving up?"  I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, and pretty much figured it was meant for someone else and he just had one of those days.  Then a second message came in. "You undead? hahaha."   yeah that one was meant for me, anyone else he would have asked if they were alive, like a normal person.

Me-:"What do you want?"

Walsh-:"You were not at the cafe on Monday. I was there and you weren't. Though you liked it?"

Me-:"Did. And doesn't matter."

Walsh-:"You home?"


He banged on my living room window about an hour ago, scaring the hell out of me. I let him into the building, thinking I didn't want to see anyone.

"You're not giving up are you?"

Me-:"Maybe for now. Why?" I was still in my pajamas, am still as I write this. Okay, haven't gotten out of them in a few days but who cares right?

Walsh-:"You shouldn't give up. I think you need to do this, continue with the readings."

Me-:"I don't want to. I don't want to do much of anything right now."  I ended up sitting here listening to him lecture me on being a quitter. Fun times. He picked up a book I'm reading on the history of voodoo, flipping through it laughing. Jerk.  Told me he read the latest on the fairy tale, asked why I did it that way? Then was going on about wrestling, which I think I grunted.  Seriously, I just wanted to punch him. "Haven't watched it in like two weeks."

He laughed, not believing me. Understandable. He asked me something that I couldn't answer from one of the episodes, which then got a look of realization from him. I think I just broke my cousin's heart.  He left had to get back to work, and I sat down to write. Ended up staring at a flashing cursor for a bit, my muse it seems gone and writers block starting again. So, I ended up posting this. Which of course, I would have anyway. Good thing I believe that everything is copy, or I'd never have anything to write about anymore.

Dude, my muse is gone. At lest it feels that way.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dirty Laundry 50

My ribs have been killing me all day. Spasms, which if I didn't know better, I'd say it was as if someone punched me. But, I do know better. Chalk it up to those ghost pains again.

Who needs the television when your neighbours who share a kitchen wall spend the whole day straight screaming at each other. In something that's not English.  And why is it, whenever I'm trying to read/write/do a ritual when I need quiet, the neighbours decide to gather in the hallway right in front of my door and party?  I think it might be time to make a batch of hot foot powder or something. Toss hot oil and cauldron drippings at them...if I had a cauldron. Never really fell into that trapping. But my level of witchdom is another story for another time.

I had this interesting conversation the other day with an acquaintance, about fitting in. I'd like to say friend, but I haven't gotten that close to anyone in the last few years to be honest...anyways, we were talking about how fitting in can be tough. Finding your place, your tribe so to speak. It's something too that's been on my mind for weeks. Though she...this new semi-friend I've met in the last few weeks since doing tarot readings, she's the one who brought the topic up. And here's me, running with it.
All I know is that I'm exhausted by the whole thing. There was a time in my life, none of that mattered to me. Didn't give a flying rat's abdomen what anyone thought of me. Now, it's all I think about.
Fitting in. Finding that group of whomever that is on the same wavelength as me. Wavelength. That used to be a drink like 20 years ago. Iced tea if I remember correctly...anyways, at my grand old age of 41, I should not still be feeling out of place or disjointed. I should firmly be where I'm suppose to be with the people I'm suppose to be with. Only I'm not. I am still feeling like some lost puppy wandering in the woods during first snow. You know what I mean?
My plan had been high school-college-meet the man of my dreams get married-move to Edmonton-become a publishing powerhouse-open an art gallery-and be the couple that everyone around us dreamed of being.  So much for plans. The universe totally had other ideas for me. Got the high school then college part done super easy. Fast forward 20 years and well, you know the score.
Sitting here, with nothing but my blog for company.

But back to the emotional exhaustion. The video project was a failure. I'm tired of trying to meet people in the pagan/witch community. I've mentioned on here how clique-y it is. All I've accomplished on there is to feel fake and like I'm pandering to douchebags. That's not me, and I hate myself for it. I keep asking myself why it matters that those people accept me? Don't have a good reason, so time to move on from them.
The tarot readings...great idea, bad location. I've pretty much decided that if I am going to continue doing them, I need to not do them at the cafe anymore. Makes me feel like I'm whoring myself out. There's a scary thought. But I don't have a better way to describe it. Sorry.  Actually, not sorry. That's another thing, I'm sick of making myself sound like I'm less than.  Tired of bowing down because I don't look like some supermodel.  I've embraced my bride of Frankenstein-ness, but you know what, even the bride of Frankenstein was desired by both the creature and the! 

There's a whole other topic for like an essay length post for another time. The bride of Frankenstein.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Dirty Laundry 49

Mr. Freeze finally said hi.

I was stunned. His voice didn't match him. It was a bit on the high-nasal side. Not at all what I was expecting him to sound like.

Anyways, so I've been doing tarot readings for the last few weeks. And have gotten my first repeat client. Which, is cool, don't get me wrong, but bit unnerving as well.
This guy came in last Friday for a reading. And again on Monday. And said he'd see me again at the end of the week.

Here's the thing. He's looking for me to give him a different reading. To tell him that everything is going to work out in his favour. Only, I can't tell him that.  He's stuck his head in the sand and refusing to deal with the situation he's in. Until he either makes a decision to deal with it, or learns a lesson from the situation at hand; his reading will be the same. Every time. He even picked the same handful of cards.
Which happens, when someone hasn't faced their fears/doubts/learned anything.

You get haunted by a card or group of cards. And I know that all too well.

I've seen this sort of thing happen to others over the years. They end up with a client who is so afraid to make a choice in their life, that not only do they become addicted to the readings, but they become addicted to the one doing the reading to the point they can't make up their minds what to have for lunch without consulting them.

Some of those types don't need a tarot reading, they need an hour with a counselor.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

post it note 29th April

My ears -both of them- were burning for almost 2 solid hours this afternoon. Damn, I hope it was you Herman is all I have to say.  I'm not famous, I don't have any reason for people to be talking about me for that long? Just weird.

I just saw what seems like a couple breaking up, or in the vary lest, one of them cheating on the other. New couple who just moved into the building, down the hall from me actually.  This very good looking guy who moved in about a month ago at the far far far end of the hall, helped them with their stuff. Then the husband/boyfriend went out, and the wife/girlfriend spent nearly half an hour in the hallway just outside my door, flirting with the good looking guy. Husband/boyfriend returned and found them in the hallway still, and there was some doors slammed.
I have a feeling they are going to make living here a hellstorm of fights.

I've been surrounded by money people. I don't like money people. I like creative people. Hopeless romantics who wear their world on their sleeves. Money people make my skin crawl and give me an upset stomach.  But, the last week and a half, I've had to deal with money people. People who's sole purpose is making more at all costs. No pun intended. Money, whether I have it or not, doesn't really bother me. Love on the other hand...well I'm always searching for that.  Maybe that's why I never seem to have it? I'm always looking. Need to be more grateful for the bits of love that has come into my life.

Anyways...I think Mr. Scratchy, that you are checking in tonight wearing something with a bear print on it...a t-shirt or hat can't make up my mind...and dark sweat pants, I want to say brown but...saying faded brown. I think you've got pasta for dinner, and a glass of bourbon in front of you. I think you're sitting there right now, those tiny wire rimmed glasses pushed up on your nose, your hands covered in paint from your latest project. And I think you're shaking your head at me stunned.

Smile smirk and snarl.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Dirty Laundry 48

Phone rang, it was my cousin Walsh. "My step mom said she saw you at the cafe."

Me-:"Yeah, tarot day."

Walsh-:"So do you think I should enter the wrestling auditions?"

Me-:"That's a joke right?"


Me-:"Well, besides the fact you're too out of shape, and have asthma not to mention we're both too old cause there's no way in hell you're going to be a wrestler without me attached."

He laughed at me, well giggled actually. "So you don't think I could do it?"

Me-:"Not in a million years. If you had to write an ad for me, what would you say?"

Walsh-:"What do you mean?" I could hear him rattling the silverware over the phone, slamming drawers.

Me-:"They asked me to write up something to promote myself for the readings. I have no idea what to say?"

Walsh-:" clue. So it's going well then?"

Me-:"Been a few customers. I have to split it with the owner though."

I heard him make a noise and I swear he winced. "You got pimped out. Wow, never thought I would ever say something like that about you."

Me-:"yeah me and pimped out doesn't belong together in the same sentence. I want to go watch the main event now. Don't do anything stupid. Last thing I want to see is your video up in a montage of mockery."

Walsh-:"Lest I know how to sell myself."

Me-:"That sounds so wrong." 

Post it 27th day

Dear Herman:
I've been feeling off since Friday morning. To the point, I had to cancel my tarot readings on Friday. Just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there. Was fine on Saturday after I pushed myself to leave the house. Readings went well. Then bad again when I got home. Yesterday, was good for the half hour I left the building, but by the time I started to make supper around 3pm, just wanted to cry; and ended up with a scorcher of a migraine. I'm feeling this way again today. But, going to push myself to get across town and do the readings scheduled for today.  I know, that I'm picking up something from someone. Now Mr. Scratchy, is it you?  Or am I picking up the emotions of someone in this building?

I'm writing it Herman, because if it is something from you I'm tapping into, it means...I'm not sure what it would mean? I just had to ask.

I'm off to catch a bus to tell others stuff they don't want to hear. One of the ladies I did a reading for on Saturday, told me everything I said was right, but it was just stuff she was hoping I wouldn't say. Law suites and bad health for her.

I imagine you reading this, a bowl of cereal in front of you...corn cap on backwards, right leg shaking in boredom and nerves. Dressed in dark jeans and a yellow plaid shirt.

P.S. I knew Igor would win last night...

Sunday, April 26, 2015

post it April 26th 2015

I was coming out of the grocery, and Mr. Freeze was stacking stray carts. He looked at me, with that look when someone is about to say something, but didn't. He stood there, waited till I was out of the building, and then ran out in front of me. I had stopped to adjust the bags and my purse, and he swung around me like he was lost. Then grabbed a coffee mug that was sitting on an adjoining store ledge, picked it up put it back down and swung around me again. I happen to know that mug wasn't his. I had seen the lady who runs the hair shop two doors away from the grocery out having a coffee and a smoke twenty minutes before when I went into the grocery.
Dude, clearly Mr. Freeze wants to say something to me, good or bad. I don't understand what's holding him back?  If it's something evil he wants to yell at me for, then get it over with already. If it's something nice, then grow a pair and man up.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm so tired of being the one to make the first move. Be it for a relationship or friendship. I've always, and I mean always been the one to give the first invitation or hello or ask for the phone number. It's time for that karma to roll towards me. 

Pay-per-view tonight. I hope Dimmer makes an appearance. I spotted him for all of five seconds few weeks ago on the Monday night show, so good to see his getting some air time again. I like Dimmer. I miss seeing him on weekly tv.
Pass that on there Mr. Scratchy. That Dimmer needs some much overdue air time.
Speaking of the ppv, the segment of the fairy tale I do on the weekend of...been up since Friday. Don't think anyone has caught up with it. I know I usually try to get one segment up the day of a ppv, but since I did one on Friday, didn't today. 

Which brings me, Mr. Scratchy, to the point in this post where I say...I imagine you checking in...exhausted. I think you're emotionally drained. Maybe not physically, but I really get this vibe you're just spiritually tired. I think you're sitting there dressed in black pants...scratch that all puns intended, your in shorts...underwear...not dressed for work yet. You're reading this while you have a coffee, waiting for a text from Igor.

Tell Igor I said hey.  Tell Igor I hope he wins tonight...though I don't think he will. 

Smile smirk and snarl.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Dirty Laundry 47

Knock at the window, looked to see my cousin Walsh was standing there. He had take-away coffees. Handing me one, I let him in. "What's this?"

Walsh-:"I heard about Saturday. How you feeling?"

Me-:"Crappy."  I had done some tarot readings on the weekend, only Saturday was a disaster. I haven't been hugged so much in my life, but the readings themselves were horrible.

Walsh-:"You watch the show last night?"

Me-:"No. Woke up yesterday with my ribs hurting. Felt like I had been used as a punching bag or something, then major migraine. Ended up just back in bed half the day. Why?"

He shrugged smirking like a teenager."You taped it right?"

Me-:"Yeah, watch it later. Why?"

He just stood there grinning. I hate that, our one uncle does that all the time drives everyone bonkers. "Pay-per-view is this weekend."


Walsh-:"Don't let Saturday get to you. Everyone has an off day."

Me-:"What's that got to do with the wrestling?" He shrugged again finishing off his coffee crushing the paper cup trying to be cool. "You still working across the street then?" he nodded.

Walsh-:"Don't give up on the readings. One bad day all it was." he turned heading back out. "You give up on stuff too easily. Like you did on Mr. Scratchy."

Me-:"Didn't give up on Mr. Scratchy."

Walsh-:"Then why haven't you talked about him lately?"

Me-:"Nothing to say."  

He shook his head at me as he left the building heading back over to work. And I paced back and forth in the apartment for awhile just feeling crappy, drinking the bad coffee.  I still have no idea why my ribs were sore yesterday either.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Dirty Laundry 46

I used to get a lot of panic attacks after the car accident, but they stopped about a year after.  It's been a few years and I've been totally fine.  Until last summer. I've had a few small ones since last August, and today was shaping out to be one.
I had an to be somewhere for 12:30pm today, and while getting ready this morning, I was starting to get the beginning vibes of a panic attack. Only I wasn't sure that's truly what it was?
I mentioned the witch community I've recently joined. Or sort of joined. And how clique-y it is. One of the core people, pretty much the center of the universe as far as the community is concerned had a situation. Everyone has been back and forth about it in the last 48 hours.  Even I was feeling it.
Here's the thing, the energies were so taunt, so high, that I couldn't tell if these panicky vibes were my own intuition or just the group collective?  Sucks to be me sometimes.
And now, half the community have been frozen out. A whole group of us who because we're newer, don't exist. How's that for welcome wagon.

Few friends in my life I do have hovering around, keep brushing it off telling me not to take it so personal, that they aren't the right people to be in my life anyways, and that I need to let it go and forget it.
Maybe I don't want to? I know I should, it's got nothing to do with me, but yet I feel like I should take it personal. It's the way I am. Everything is personal until proven otherwise.

So, I sucked it up and went to my appointment. I'm glad I did. The moment I left the apartment and was outside, my mind started to clear, to shift to other things. I actually had fun while out today.

And twice, I saw Jon the repair guy.  Once, while waiting for the bus, he pulled into the parking lot, got out of the truck, looked up at me twice, then waved.  Cool. I love it when men actually notice I'm alive.  The second time, was at the end of the day.  I was coming back from the grocery, and he was waiting for traffic to slow; still on the edge of our parking lot, spotted me and did a u-turn through the parking lot drove to the far end, u-turned back just as I was coming across the divide of our parking lot and the grocery lot, waving as he did.  Feels good to be seen.

I'm having a difficult time trusting my gut lately. Let me rephrase that, I'm having a difficult time deciding if what I'm feeling is intuition or fear?  Are the witch cliques out to get me or am I just paranoid?  Is a married man really married and flirting with me for no good reasons, or is he faking it?  Are there really two Mr. Scratchy?  I don't know?

And if I can't trust my gut, then what good am I as a witch type?

Monday, April 13, 2015

post it note 7:57pm

Dear Mr. Scratchy:

There is a theory that when you find yourself thinking about someone, there's more then a decent change that person is thinking of you.  This past week, I couldn't get my friend Nura off my brain. Haven't talked to her in a few years, and yesterday, we bumped into each other online in a discussion group. Ends up, she's been wondering how I've been for the last week as well.

There are a few omens in this category, about people thinking of you, but I'll save that for another time.

I find myself sitting here tonight, having just made a tray of brownies, waiting for them to cool. Not much else going on...the Monday night show just started, so...

I imagine you Herman, checking in tonight dressed in a pair of black track pants, blue socks, and a grey long sleeved shirt on. I think you've got chalk and charcoal on your hands from drawing one of those paintings I think you do. I imagine you've got a mug of tea beside you on the table, and a large plate of danish. And for some reason I think you've got a big cut on your forehead over your right eye...

as always, smile smirk and snarl.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Dirty Laundry 45

Phone rang, it was my cousin Walsh. "Was the show on last night?"

Me-:"You need to learn how to use the guide on your television. Mocking me for my lack of desire for google yet you can't get the menu button to work on your tv."

Walsh-:"That would involve reading the instructions. Was it?"

Me-:"Yeah it was on after the game at like 1am. So sad, you and uncle B. are the only men who ever call me."

He laughed at that for a few minutes. "Um that is sad. But, I was thinking about your repair man. He's not married you know."

Me-:"Hate to argue, not that's a lie love to argue, but he's got a big ring on his left ring finger so he is."

Walsh-:"I will take you up on that argument and say he's not married."

Me-:"You've got my full attention. Why? Do you know him? What's he said about me? Anything?"

Walsh-:"Don't have a clue who he is. But, I'm betting you the ring's fake. How much you wanna bet?"

Me-:"You going to gamblers anonymous. Why is everything a bet with you?"

Walsh-:"Betting is fun, means people own me stuff. Commenting by the way would mean spell checking and crap and that's too much work. Besides, you type faster then I do."    Took me a minute to get what he was going on about. "Hello? listening?"

Me-:"Nope, got lost on the fake ring part. How can it be a fake ring when it was a real ring? Right there on his hand."

Walsh-:"You're such a moron." he laughed some more at me. "I'm betting you that he puts it on for work so that people don't hit on him. My one buddy who's a cop does it all the time."

Me-:"Sneaky bastards."  I thought about that for a few minutes actually getting a bit mad at the idea. "That's just not fair!"

Walsh-:"Never said it was."

Me-:"Why do it? Why the security blanket if he's just going to be a flirt?"

Walsh-:"He thought you were cute...or maybe he really is married and he's not happy or he's a player just looking to cheat, in which case you don't need him."

Me-:"You're not helping."

I walked away from the conversation unable to get the whole thing off my mind.  Bloody hell, I'll be dreaming about the whole thing now.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Peeping Jon

My computer area is beside my front window. I was sitting here trying to work on the next segment of the fairy tale when I heard footsteps out front of my window.  Don't think much about it given people hover there by the front door of the building while they smoke, while their dogs poop on the grass, while they are working on the lawn etc. Then I saw someone crouched in front of my window trying to see through the small crack in the blinds.
I got up, opened the blinds just enough to see the repair guy from the other week. I scared the hell out of him. Sort of serves him right.
Left the blinds open for a few minutes just trying to understand what the f*** is going on? When I spotted him pass the window twice more, both times looking over at it sheepishly.

I ended up going outside just to check the windows for any cracks or peeled paint or what have you. Nothing for him to have been inspecting the window for. Or the flowerbed for that matter, given it's still too cold here to plant anything.

Should I be scared?

Monday, April 6, 2015

Dirty Laundry 44

I got a message from my cousin Walsh bit ago, there was a link "You seen this?"
Given I had no idea what the link was for, I told him that I most likely hadn't. Then I hit the link. It was a match from few months ago of The Celebrity.  He got beat, but I watched it twice.

Me-:"Cool. He doesn't look any different."

Obviously, my cousin has been lurking around reading the blog. Comments people they do work.  All I could think was damn the boy still has it. He's still beautiful and he's still killer in the ring. Now he's all I'm going to be able to think about.

Walsh-:"Answer me this; how is it you can carry on a conversation with one of the most famous occult guys but you can't talk to The Celebrity or Mad Hatter or Rebel without a Cause?"  I didn't have an answer for him.  He sent the message again waiting. 

Me-:"I've never thought about it like that before."  

Walsh-:"Well think about it! I've thought about it so one of them must have."

Me-:"Oh yeah, I'm sure that The Celebrity is just drooling in anticipation for me to send him an engraved invitation to dinner or something."

Walsh-:"Hahaha! Do it! I dare you to!"

Deja vu. 
Mashed potatoes, gravy...

Lessons learned?

I was talking to Jeff, one of the male witches I've met online in the last few weeks. Yes, one of the gay male witches. Conversation started off in one direction, about the chakra exercises and meditation, then it swung around to something one of the core people posted this morning on their video channel. The chick has never believed in the supernatural/paranormal side of stuff, has been one of the main Wiccans who fiercely does not believe. Then today out of the blue, she's posting a ton of stuff on the topic.
Jeff thinks it's because of something I said in one of my posts, and that she's jealous. I don't see it. I would love to say I do, but given she's got a few hundred people in her wake who interact with her on a daily basis and fall off everything she says, and I have 10 people who haven't even bothered to interact with me after the first week...I see holes in his theory.

Anyways, he then asked me about the other day and the flash I had during the meditation. (talked about it few days ago "Missed Opportunities")  Told him that nothing else has happened.  Then we got into talking about who it was I had the flash of.  Which came around to relationships and second chances.

Jeff-:"Has it occurred to you that this guy is needing to hear something from you?"

Me-:"No. Like what?"

Jeff-:"I don't know, I'm not you or him. But, if you have a hunch about something I guarantee you already know the answer."

Me-:"Yeah, I've heard that before. If you have a hunch the answer lays within. Okay, but how does that work with him?"

Jeff-:"Ask him. Ask the universe, your spirit guides or whatever you work with. The answer will come to you."

Me-:"I'm asking you right now. Jeff oh wise and important guru on life's lessons; what do you think this dude needs from me or wants?"   

Jeff-:"Maybe you broke his heart? Left him feeling like you abandoned him or something?"

Me-:"Doubt that. I've never broken any man's heart. Always my heart that's been left in the blender"

Jeff-:"Well, my gut is telling me that this guy is waiting for you to say something to him specifically. It's up to you to figure out what?"

Right, so back to square one.

Friday, April 3, 2015

And it's not even noon yet

You know when the universe is tossing things at you, you need to pay attention. I was looking through a box where I have old photos stored for art projects, and came across an old wrestling magazine from 2006.  Found a picture of The Celebrity.
Cool.  Went off made coffee, decided I wanted to watch a movie, so digging through a stack of dvds, and I guess I bumped them cause a bunch fell off the shelf scattering across the floor. The one that landed smack dab in the middle was an old wrestling dvd from 2009 for company #2, and The Celebrity was one of the wrestlers on the cover.

Well that put him solidly in my brain this morning. Started to wonder if he still even wrestles, if he does still wrestle, has the industry drained him of life, has he bothered to learn to cook? 

Why the universe would pop him into my brain this morning I have no idea, but poof there he is. So on the off chance he still reads me...hi how are you?

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

post it notes April 1st

Dear Herman:

It's 6:20pm EST here, and I've got to ask, did you do something to your left jaw/side of your nose?  Those crazy ghost pains are springing up again...

Anyways, I saw two hookers get arrested in the parking lot of the grocery store next door.  I was walking into the grocery and there were these two Native chicks standing around the parking lot between the beer store and grocery, asking beer store customers if they were looking for a date and talking about "when it's too dry and they just jam it in".
When I was walking out of the grocery few minutes later, the cops were there and they were taken away. 
I thought the snippet of the conversation was funny actually.

I imagine you checking in, choking on your coffee on that last line, dressed in black track pants with a scuff or stain on the bottom of the right cuff, a yellow shirt that's looking faded with the logo peeled off, and earphones in. Bon Jovi maybe...

as always, Mr. Scratchy, smile smirk and snarl. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Missed opportunities?

I was sitting here just now, doing a guided meditation. Running through the chakras, with one of the witches I've met lately. And when I got to the 3rd eye chakra, a face flashed behind my eyes. Someone I haven't thought of in a long while. It startled me enough that it broke my concentration completely and as I opened my eyes, I jumped. I saw clear as day the man sitting in my living.  It was the briefest of visions, but enough to rattle me.
I have no idea if I tapped into something, possibly remote viewing of the man, or if it was something less spooky?
Three is also the idea that he might have been thinking of me and I picked up on it.

One of the main points of this exercise is healing. Identifying issues that are emotionally/mentally/physically blocking you.  I can't overlook the idea that I had a missed opportunity with the man years ago, and the issues that kept me from being with him, are something I've just recently begun to face.

How do we know when a missed opportunity is truly such or if it's just what's really meant to be?

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Read the sign

Signs. Everything is about catching the signs. Sex and the City was a series based on decoding signs/signals between people. Jane Austen managed to give humour to mixed or missed messages/signs in her novels. I believe the old comment is true, we can see clearly others lives but not our own. We can miss the signs that are staring us right in the face like a screaming flashing exit mounted over the door.

By now, most people will agree, no matter if they "believe in the supernatural" or not, that when something repeats in their life, it's a sign. I still haven't figured out what the Queen of Pentacles is trying to say lately, but none the less, other things are popping up.
Turning on the tv to find the same city being mentioned on five different channels for five different reasons. Turning on the radio and having a lyric jump out at me that was directly in line with a problem I was thinking about few minutes before. Having the same number sequence repeat for an entire day until I admit/realize something, then it strangely changes to the next set of numbers that begin repeating.
I spend a good part of my time decoding signs. Sometimes because of the supernatural part of my life, and sometimes because of the SATC part of my life. (you read this blog you know what I mean)

I honestly think relationship signs are the most difficult things on the planet to decode. God knows I've screwed them up more then once. Missed some completely.
But in this case, even I am not that daft.

Repair guy was here to fix the sink. He flirted the whole time. But, was married. Big flashy ring on his finger. I actually wanted to ask him if I was reading his conversation wrong but just kept my mouth shut. He ended up leaving some of his equipment here, and had to come back not once but twice.
Both times he lingered in the doorway, still being flirty and smiling, and blushing the whole time. No one is that forgetful.

I can't wrap my head around it. Married men flirt with me all the time, but yet single men never notice me. Same with the gay men. They are massive flirts, yet again with the straight single men, nothing.

Obviously, there is some relationship sign/signal that I'm not understanding that the universe is hitting me over the head with. 

And p.s. Yes, his name was Jon.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Bad day?

I got a message from my cousin Walsh this afternoon "Was the show on last night?"

Me-:"Yeah. Why?"

Walsh-:"Just cause it never recorded. Thought the dvr was broken."

Me-:"What's up?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. Just getting off work, What's up with you?"

Me-:"Just making sauce for dinner. And trying not to have a breakdown."

Walsh-:"What happened?"

Me-:"Lost three years of my time is all."  I proceeded to tell him about a novel I was working on and how the manuscript is missing.

Walsh-:"Like what do you mean missing?"

Me-:"As in I haven't seen it since the move. I spent the day going through the rest of the boxes with paper, notes, etc in them and can't find it. I only had the one copy of it printed out."

Walsh-:"Haha! That's what backing up your work is for dumbass."

Me-:"First thing I did was put the back up in the computer. Back up doesn't work."

Walsh-:"What do you mean it doesn't work?"

Me-:"Oh my god, okay, the novel was written on my old computer on a program that is out dated, and therefore when I tried to open it on this computer, it read it as just code and symbols and is useless."

Walsh-:"Ah, why didn't you just say that. What's having the print out going to do if you can't work on it anyways?"

Me-:"Then I don't need to worry about the back up not working, cause I'll have a hard copy. But, can't find it and I spent three years working on that novel."

Walsh-:"When was the last time you saw it?"

Me-:"What part of I had it just before the move did you not understand?"

Walsh-:"Re-write it."

Me-:"I might have to try. I started writing that back in 2006."

Walsh-:"Any news on your dad?"

Me-:"They moved him to a long term care hospital."

Walsh-:"Other then your manuscript missing everything else alright?"

Apparently, my frustration was coming through in my texts. "Nope. Don't worry about it."

I finished making dinner and started to think about it, decided to blog it given it was Walsh. Biggest mistake I made was blogging about certain people and letting them know about it. They all either hate me now or just want to see themselves in writing.   There was a knock at the window, Walsh had shown up. I almost didn't let him in, but I did.

Me-:"You did not come here because I wouldn't answer you. What's up?"   He shrugged like he always does, and just hovered inside the doorway.

Walsh-:"Just out in the truck. So what's wrong?"

Me-:"I think I'm done."  he looked at me with his chin sticking out waiting. "I think I'm done trying to write. I'm 41 and the best I can show is a handful of blogs. I think it's time to know?"

Walsh-:"I give you a week. Four days tops."

Me-:"No I really think I'm done. Nothing left in me, nothing good anyways."

Walsh-:"Fairy tales going well. I think."

Me-:"Fairy tale really sucks. I've sort of lost my muse again. Mad Hatter, Rebel without a Cause, Werewolf King, Dimmer, boring the snot out of me. He won't die. I keep trying to kill off the character based on Mad Hatter, and it's like the universe won't let me. Like every time I write the scene, he's standing there beside me yelling at me to save the character. Anne Rice once said that's what writing the character of Lestat was like for her. I'm being haunted by my own writing. I dream of the damned story all the time. The scenes taking over everything."

Walsh-:"Don't say that. You'll hurt his feelings."  he started to laugh then just stopped. "Okay seriously. What's really bothering you?"

We talked for awhile, me crying more than once.

Of all the stuff I've contributed to over the years online, this blog is where I've been able to be the most honest, most raw part of myself. I know more then half the time, there are readers who think I'm nuts, and I admit, even to myself sometimes I think if I was some random reader I'd think I was brain fried too.
But, this is me. The messy details of my life.   I've had readings done, horoscopes drawn out, blah blah blah, all saying that this is the big year everything is suppose to fall into place. The missing puzzle piece.  I've believed that so many times it's funny. Painful, but so funny.
I'm tired of having my dreams made fun of, tired of falling for the wrong men and getting my heart shattered. Tired of feeling like I just don't belong.
This is suppose to be a time of major communication, so this is me, trying to communicate my disappointment to the universe...and confusion.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

What's that queen telling you?

The Queen of Pentacles, has been repeating the last week and a half in my readings.  It's the card of the domestic goddess, a woman who can do everything and do it well. Basically, the Martha Stewart of the tarot deck.
I have no idea what the card is trying to point me to?  I've looked at it from a bunch of points of view, gone and compared notes from a bunch of different decks that I own, and even went online looking at what other people have to say about the Queen of Pentacles.

Just stuck.

A card will repeat until you've learned the lesson or figured out the cosmic message.  Which I guess means, I'm stuck in a stage of my life until I break through the message.
Don't you hate that?  That puzzle piece that just doesn't fit or is missing completely. And when you do figure it out, you feel both relieved and foolish for not figuring it out sooner.

The domestic goddess...this is starting to feel like another cosmic joke...

Monday, March 23, 2015

post it 23rd Monday March

Dear Mr. Scratchy:

My ear has been burning for the last half hour, and it's 9:32pm EST here.  I'm hoping it's just you and your buddies.
Anyways Herman...I imagine you checking in tonight, dressed in brown hiking boots, dark jeans, a navy blue long sleeve shirt...I'm wanting to say there's a chain on your cap on...chewing on a red plastic straw...

Okay Herman, as smirk and snarl.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

just need to vent

Dear Herman:

Do you ever find that something you work on that you really dig, really put your soul into and think people will totally click with, is the one thing that gets ignored?  The whole video thing, driving me nuts. It's this horrible clique that no one wants to shuffle a foot to let anyone new in. No one bothers to watch anything unless you message them and say you are replying to their stuff. They subscribe, then unsubscribe, then subscribe again...we're not talking kids either. Most of them are in their mid-30's upward.  And oh my god, the high school mentality of it...if you talk with so-and-so, then person A won't talk to you, and if you comment in a supportive way to person D then so-and-so #30 gets huffy with you. Dude, it's starting to be so not worth it. 

I know from doing blogs for over a decade, that things I think will be total hits more often is passed over for the silly crap that I think no one will care for. Stuff I wrote because I was in a goofy mood, or bored. I'm always surprised when the goofy crap gets like 40 hits in an hour, while the serious stuff I spent hours over is lucky to get 4 hits in a week.
I guess it's true, people just want filler.

Okay Mr. Scratchy, I just really needed a moment to vent.  I'm betting not what you were looking for tonight with the check in, but...I need  want a hug.

Anyways, I think you're checking in tonight, dressed in your gear still from tonight's show. Coffee in hand, chomping on cinnamon gum. I don't know why I think cinnamon, but I do.

As always Smile smirk and snarl.

p.s. the little bounce at the end of the shoulder roll during the extra promo on the company website from Monday's show that Mad Hatter did...cute.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday 13th march 2015

Dear Herman:
Okay, straight up it's just after 9pm EST here, Mr. Scratchy, I need to ask, did you do something to your nose?  I know I must sound totally bonkers half the time, but when I get these weirdnesses -out of the blue pains, images, vibes- I need to know what's causing them? So, in the last hour, did you fall or get punched or have someone smack into you?  Cause I was sitting here working on the next segment of the fairy tale and suddenly felt like someone had hit me in the nose. I'm sitting here alone. Now there's this weird ghosty feel across the bridge of my nose.
You don't even have to answer-answer cause you never have before, just hit the post like five times in a row and I'll take it as a yes.

Friday the 13th. 

I wonder, do you watch yourself on tv? I bet you do. Sit there on your days off and clean out your dvr from a week or month's worth of episodes and stuff. I know I would were I famous.

Anyways, I imagine you checking in tonight, tired. Bare feet, dark underwear on, hair slicked back. Yogurt in hand. Blueberry...

Okay Mr. Scratchy, as always, smile smirk and snarl.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Insecurities to gratitude

The video project was suppose to make me feel good. To connect to other witchy types. To help find Mr. Right. So far, I just feel like I'm standing outside the window with my face pressed against it watching everyone else have fun.
Being the new person in the community sucks.

As I mumbled there last week, all the witchy-men are gay. Doesn't build confidence at finding a compatible mate. I don't understand why I'm still banging my skull against the wall? I've chatted with everyone, done the "love your work" comments when I actually do love their work, subscribed to everyone who seemed genuine at what they do; and yet, here I am talking to myself. 

Herman, I have to admit, I seem to have lost any ability to make friends. Well, guess I should be grateful that I can identify that. Now, if I could just identify where I'm going wrong... admit it Mr. Scratchy, you're secretly a witch aren't you?  Would make sense, all part of the cosmic joke. Which keeps slapping me in the face. One after another I keep meeting guys names Jonathan. But the last two, both gay men.
Can't tell if the universe is laughing at me or trying to encourage me?  Either way, I'm grateful for this space to put these post it notes. I know you read them Mr. Scratchy, even if it is just to relax and laugh for a moment.

I'm grateful Herman for you. And your buddies who I'm sure are leaning over your shoulder right now as you guys get ready for tonight's show. I'm grateful for the fact you found me, all those years ago.

Anyways...I imagine you checking in, a coffee in hand, tape falling off your wrist not secured, a plastic spoon hanging out of your a stir stick from the coffee, dressed in black pants...track pants, and a grey shirt. I want to say a baseball cap on backwards...Igor reading over your shoulder out loud laughing, and I think he's dressed right now in brown cords and a brown plaid button up shirt.

Okay Mr. Scratchy- Herman, one of these days I'll figure out what the key is.
until then Smile, smirk and snarl.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Post it note March 8th 2015

Dear Herman:

It's actually a lovely day here outside, -3C with a -7C windchill. Melty. Too bad we have a strict no open window between Nov - April rule on our building. Comes with a $250 fine if you're caught with windows open during winter.
Anyways, was doing a video project, which has become my latest obsession. And thought I'd come in and just write a quick note to say hey....Hey.  How's the playlist? Liking anything I suggested?

I imagine you checking in today Mr. Scratchy, dressed in dark jeans, a yellow-ish-orange-ish t-shirt with a little tear at the collar, two hoodies layered, and an iced-coffee in hand. Yeah, I think you stopped off for coffee and without even thinking ordered yourself an iced one. Or maybe you're like me and find that chomping on ice-cubes in winter time helps to relieve sinus headaches from the weather changes.

As always Herman, smile smirk and snarl.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Post It note march 4th 2015

Dear Mr. Scratchy:

Was thinking about some of my favourite love/slow songs. So, here's a playlist...

- Dream On by Helix
-Foolish Love by Lord Tracy
-Surrender by Trixter
-Honestly by Harem Scarem
-Red Rose by Roxx Gang
-1000 Degrees by Vain
-When a heart breaks by Rik Emmett
-Living without you by Shotgun Messiah
-Forever by Kiss
-Every time I look at You  by Kiss

That's enough for the moment. So Herman...I imagine you checking in tonight, dressed in grey pajama bottoms, a grey thermal long sleeved shirt that fits your arms like a second skin, bare feet, hair slicked back, and a cup of tea beside you. I imagine it's in a travel mug, something that you got at a gas station maybe with the logo on it, all scratched up from being used constantly. And I think you'll have a new playlist for bedtime.

As always, smile smirk and snarl.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Monday March 2nd 2015

I have this fear, that I won't know how to cook his favourite dish.

Herman, do you hear me? You Mr. Scratchy can laugh all you want, but it's a real fear. I realize that I'm going to have to learn how to cook more then vegetarian meals again. I've no illusions that Mr.Right will be a vegetarian/vegan. That's just too much of a stretch.  I mean, twenty years ago when it was the "it thing to do", yeah I would have believed that the right guy for me would have been vegan but now...there's more important things to have in common.

But Herman, what if when I met him and his favourite dessert or meal is something I've never heard of?  I don't think I could handle having to take ethnic cooking classes just to make one dish well.  I am going to have a difficult enough time re-learning how to make veal chops again, and the perfect beef gravy, and scallops, and ox tail soup. I'm totally cruising if his favourite dish is meatloaf and scalloped potatoes or thick beef and sausage chilli. I must admit, I secretly would love to learn how to make a really great roasted squab with fig sauce.  Okay not so secretly now.

I know Herman, I will ask you help a girl out. Toss me a hint or something, feeling like my apron should say "kiss the needy chick-chef" or something.

Okay, I imagine Herman, you checking in to this tonight dressed in track pants, a grey t-shirt, a hoodie also grey, with a yellow and orange argyle toque.  Cup of take-away coffee in hand, and a large cinnamon roll hanging out of your mouth.

And as always, smile smirk and snarl.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Dirty Laundry 43

There was a knock on my window just before 9:30a.m. Scared the life out of me. When I looked to see, there was my cousin Walsh standing there with one of his co-workers. I went up to let them in.

Walsh-:"Working across the street there and I really don't want to use that portable toilet." he headed straight for the bathroom, his co-worker laughing half embarrassed.

Me-:"What would you have done if I wasn't home?"

Buddy-:"The sandwich shop few doors down."

I had one of my tarot decks spread out on the kitchen table, doing a reading for myself, studying how they connect to astrology. Not an easy task I must say, as just like each individual deck is written and designed from one author's point of view, you get hundreds of different meanings so when you add things like astrology and numerology to the mix, it depends on which system the author used. And I'm lost with Vedic astrology completely.  Anyways, buddy there saw my tarots and sort of creeped towards the table pointing at it.

Buddy-:"You do that sort of stuff?"  I nodded. "Like for money?" he instinctively brought his hand back to his back pocket area, but they were in their work gear; so his overalls got in the way of reaching for his wallet.

Me-:"No. I'm not that good. Why you want a reading?"   My cousin came out of the bathroom and his co-worker needed to go.

Walsh-:"Any news?"

Me-:"About dad, no."

Walsh-:"So what the hell was up with your post the other night? Seemed like you were drunk or something?"

Me-:"What post I did a bunch this week."  He meant the one on here the other day. "I don't know to be honest. I just had this intense urge to do one, like being on a deadline or something. Just didn't have anything to say."  Walsh laughed at me just as his co-worker came out of the toilet. He gestured again to the tarots so I offered to do a reading for him.
All four of the aces turned up along with the High Priestess and the World.  "These here are the pregnancy cards." I pointed to the Ace of Wands and the Ace of Pentacles. Dude's eyes went wide. "The ace of wands is a creation card, beginnings, seeds, fertility. And the ace of pentacles is manifestation. Anything that can become physical is about to. Could be a project, a loan as the pentacles are money related too."  He started to touch the Ace of Swords card asking about it. "Extreme force, extreme emotions. But can also be a card of valor, champions." He nodded swallowing as I went on about the rest of the cards. The high priestess being a card of the unknown, the ace of cups being connected to abundance, and the world endings and beginnings.  But he seemed too quiet, just sitting there not really listening to me. Walsh just stood there for the first couple of minutes then wandered over to my computer.
Buddy sat there scratching his ear for a moment then really embarrassed, just blushing like crazy, said his ex-girlfriend told him few days ago she was pregnant.  My cousin turned around in the computer chair just stunned.

Buddy-:"I hadn't told anyone. No one. Cause we aren't sure we're keeping it."  I pointed to the High Priestess saying that's where the unknown part was most likely coming in. "Thanks for letting me use your bathroom. And..." he stood up totally beet red. "I don't know why you think you're not good enough to charge money. Cause that was mindblowing."

Walsh-:"I've told you get over your insecurities."

They left and I just sort of sat there for a few minutes on a total high. That wrong of me to be giddy that I just confirmed the dude's fears?  I don't remember the last time I've seen all four aces come up in a reading, that's like a miracle on it's own. 
I've had readings done for me over the years by people who have degrees in it. They're the ones who end up blowing my mind with readings; some of who have written books on tarot. And I've had readings done by people who made me wonder if they'd ever even shuffled a deck before that day? 
I would love to do readings professionally. It's an idea I've wrestled with for years. But I know I'm not as good as someone who can break down every single card's symbol and connection and get into the philosophy, psychology, of it. I get random vibes and images when I read. I think what makes a great reader is someone who can mix the two.

Okay, so for me that was an excellent reading even if it was bad news for the dude.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday Feb 23rd 2015

Last night, for almost an hour and half straight, just before the ppv, my ears were burning. Interesting enough. They've been burning tonight now for the last half hour as well. Huh?
Why is it, that all the male witches seem to be gay?  I've met a few male witches online and all of them are gay.

Oh Herman, it's funny. Trying to write this but very distracted tonight because wrestling is on. Mad Hatter was just on. And my ears cooled just a bit.
Rebel without a Cause is on now, ears burning once more. Anyways Herman, I'm sort of writing this post it note because I'm just working on the next segment of the fairy tale. Actually dreamed of the characters last night.

Anyways Mr. Scratchy, I imagine you checking in tonight, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. A blue shirt with a small tear at the sleeve. I think you've got a coffee in one hand and checking your cell phone in the other, iPod in your right ear.
Speaking of ears, mine just cooled again...huh guess someone finds me worth mentioning. As always

Smile smirk and snarl

Thursday, February 19, 2015

post it note 18th new moon

Dear Mr. Scratchy:
Just watched the Thursday night show which we get a day early here in Canada. So it's actually the Wednesday night show...anyways, I see Mad Hatter did something I suggested...nice. And he made it funny for the amount of time he had.
New moon, new monthly zodiac and Chinese New Year all back to back today. Great energy because of it.  And I decided to face one of my fears. If you want to call it that. More like stop this one set of excuses for doing something I used to love. Started a project, in which I looked like crap but it will improve over time.
I know, bit of a twisted half hint but Herman, if you're meant to see it you will.  Okay Herman, I'm exhausted, my ears have been burning since last night off and on, and for some reason my ribs are killing me.
So this is the part where I say I imagine you checking in to this tonight/morning dressed in a navy thermal long sleeved shirt and dark jeans, a take away coffee in hand, the stir stick hanging out of your mouth, ipod in your ears playing the playlist from the fairytale...and why the hell do I suddenly think you have drum sticks in your back pocket?  Alright lets go with it...I prefer bass players but whatever eh?
As usual smile smirk and snarl.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Monday Feb 16th

I got a message from my cousin Walsh, asking if we'd heard anything about my dad. I told him what the doctor's said, he's out of ICU but not well enough just yet for the heart surgery. He needs to be able to handle being put under for them to do the heart surgery, and he's just not yet. The medications he would need to take before hand, could trigger another stroke.

Then Walsh tried to lighten the mood by getting to the silly.

Walsh-:"You see the promo Mad Hatter did? That was totally cause of what you wrote."

Me-:"Okay. Wh..."  my phone rang before I could finish sending my message. "Yeah?"

Walsh-:"Sorry. My phone died, on the land-line. Did you get what I sent?"

Me-:"Yeah, you said he read my blog today."

Walsh-:"Don't sound so enthused. You handling it all okay?"   I could hear him running water and cupboards being closed.

Me-:"You making coffee?"


Me-:"Great, now you've got me wanting one."  I didn't feel like getting up and going to the kitchen so I just sat there thinking about a coffee. The steam rolling from the cup in grey-silver tendrils, the swirl of the liquid as the milk clouded for a half coffee junkie's porn.

Walsh-:"You still there?"

Me-:"Debating on how lazy I am right now if I want that coffee bad enough."    My cousin laughed at me. "One of these days, I would love to see Mad Hatter do a promo in long red underwear."  my cousin broke out laughing again, like choking unable to breath laughing. "With a big moose on his shirt. Then I'll know."  I gave in and went to the kitchen and made myself a coffee.

Walsh-:"Know what?"


I told him I had to go and finished watching the show.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Friday 13th 2015 10:30pm

Ever have one of those moments when you think someone is flirting with you but you're not sure?  I went to the pizza place few buildings away today at lunch time. Which I must remember next time to wait an hour, as it was jammed wall to wall with teenagers on lunch-break. Anyways, I was standing there in line waiting my turn, and the guy ahead of me when asked if he wanted anything to drink replied "beer." 
The server started to kid around with him, saying he'd buy the first round if the dude picked up the rest of the check. He continued on in that manner, pointing out how with it being Friday before Valentines' that it was "single's day" at the bars.  He said this three times within a minute. The guy standing ahead of me turned towards me, hooked his thumb at the server and said "he want's someone to take pity on him. Ask him out."

I stood there half expecting one of the teenaged girls sitting at the nearest table to make a comment, as I had seen a few of them just drooling over the server. 
And he was cute. 6 '2, jet black hair, brown eyes, couldn't have been more then 24-25.  Surprisingly, none of the teenaged girls took the bait. All of them just quietly ate their pizzas. Odd in itself right?
While the dude ahead of me was waiting for his order, the server took my order and disappeared into the back.  The teenaged girls left while he was back there.

When the server returned, he joked a bit more about it being single's day with the guy ahead of me, then handed him his order.  My next thought was he was flirting with the guy.  As I was standing there waiting for my food, one of the teenaged girls returned, walked up to the edge of the counter and flat out asked him for his number.  He blushed, just stood there for a few beats then told her it wouldn't be right, as he was into someone else.  The girl blushed and left almost in a run.

Then he turns to me and goes "Don't you just hate that? When you get caught with someone interested in you when you're so not into them?"  I just sort of smiled not knowing what to say. Cause usually, I'm the one asking some guy for his number and him turning me down. The next thing out of his mouth sort of threw me. "I've seen you going to the grocery. When I've been coming to work. Seen you walking past here like all the time. So you must live around here then eh?"  I said that I lived across the parking lot. He nodded and handed me my order. I was about to leave when he commented that he'd be there all day tomorrow running the place by himself, because it was Valentine's day and he was the only staff single, everyone else had a date. 

Pizza dudes gotta love them.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Oh boy!

My phone rang few hours ago, it was my mom. I was terrified to pick it up, just knowing there was going to be bad news on the other end. My mother was yelling, but not why you would think.

Mom-:"Is this for real or is it a publicity stunt?"

Me-:"Is what for real?"

Mom-:"I just saw this post on facebook about Rebel without a Cause."  My mind being on death and hospitals and the like, I thought the next sentence was going to be that there was a horrible accident involving a bunch of my favourite wrestlers.  She read me the post, with much laughing as she did. I waited processing the information.

Me-:"Oh my god mom! You scared the shit out of me! With everything going on..."

Her laughter soon turned to hostility. She went from reading the post to me twice, her voice getting louder and more high pitched, focusing on the whole scandal, then she jumped right into talking about dad and how she was glad the internet wasn't around like it is now when he had his countless affairs. It was brutal. Sitting there hearing her vent her anger and frustration like that. I was almost too scared to hang up, afraid who she might call after me.

It was really sad in a way too. My parents met when they were 15 years old, and have been part of each others lives for the last 50 years. I find that in itself impossible to wrap my head around. Specially given that the last 30 of those years have been bad and bitter ones. 
By the time we got off the phone, she was crying.

Those of us who are out there searching for that right perfect mate, we don't really fathom just how long they might or might not truly be part of our lives. There's the fairy tale version of forever, and then there is the reality of forever.
One of my cousins had 8 years with her husband. They had met when she was 30 years old, were together for 7 years before they got married, and didn't even make it to their first wedding anniversary when he died. She was widowed before her 38th birthday.

While I had been on the phone with her, I got a message from my cousin Walsh about the Rebel without a Cause thing.

Walsh-:"You seen this?"

Me-:"Heard."   I seriously wasn't in the mood.


Granted, my family can't deal with real stuff like life and death situations, and meddling in other people's love lives is something we turn to when we can't handle. I used to be such a good matchmaker back in the day, but that was years ago.

Me-:"The dude's human."

Walsh-:"You should blog about it. He reads you right?"

I kept waiting for my cousin to ask how things were going with my family, but he didn't. Just kept it light, focused on the wrestler. I got angry, just wanted to scream at him. Ended up breaking down crying for awhile.
The one time I want to have a serious conversation about a real topic, no one wants to. They all want to be distracted. Real emotions are exhausting. Bottling them up, letting them loose, feeling like you should have seen it coming, being mad at yourself for not being able to get over it sooner, or worse, for having gotten over it quicker then others thought you should.

How do you deal with something you're just not grown up enough to deal with?

Feb 10th 2015

I swear the world runs on drama. I know my life seems to.

My sister called me the other night, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Which, is not something you would consider normal between us.  She is listed as one of two contacts on our dad's emergency list.
He's currently in hospital, in ICU after having suffered two massive strokes. They also found a heart blockage and cancer.  If he makes it through this, he'll need someone to feed him and clean him. If he doesn't, then he won't make it through the weekend.

My family life was not pretty. Our father was an abusive man. I haven't had anything to do with him in over a decade, or his side of the family for that matter.

The other name on the emergency list was his ex-girlfriend. Who left him three years ago, for god only knows what reasons. She showed up last night causing all kinds of shit for my sister and mom.

I don't know how I feel.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm hurt...I hate the fact I still care.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Memories of you

I was digging through a box in the storage room just a bit ago, and came across my old video camera. It still had a tape lodged in it, and even though the battery no longer takes a charge, in fact the battery charger seems to have been lost in the move; the cable to plug it in was there in the box. So, I powered up the old camera and it works. The video tape that was in the machine, had footage of myself and a buddy from few years ago hanging out being goofs. I was about forty pounds thinner as it was obviously pre-knee injury.
I haven't thought of this man in years, but I found myself really missing him all of a sudden. I loved talking to him, which we did all the time. 
What I didn't like, was being around him for too long physically. As much as I found him to be a blast, and a really sweet guy; I didn't feel completely safe around him.

I know how out there this is going to sound, but when we were mire feet away hanging in a coffee shop or god forbid, driving anywhere, I would get a strange vibe off him. I feared being in a car with him at any point just because he was a reckless driver. And being in any kind of physical space with him for more then twenty minutes, would have my skin crawling.

There always seemed to be this vortex around him. I wish I had a better way to describe the vibe, but there was just something...unsettling about him.

My horoscope lately has talked about memories and doors opening to second chances. I chalked it up to the former one night stand having contacted me the other week, but now I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to it then just that?