Monday, March 31, 2014


I got a message about ten minutes ago from my cousin Walsh. "Are you at auntie's?"

Me-:"Yeah, weather got bad, stuck."

Walsh-:"So you're going to watch the wrestling? Can you tape it?"

Me-:"Yeah, why?"

Walsh-:"Kids having a party, dvr taping overload for wife."


Walsh-:"Thanks. Anything new?"

Me-:"I was writing today on the fairy tale. Think I might have cracked it."

Walsh-:"Cool. Oh I came across the notes from that psychic fortune teller from that party last year. You remember the part about a champion?"

Me-:"Not really."

Walsh-:"Mad Hatter's a champion. Hahahaha!"

Me-:"I hate you."

Walsh-:"I haven't done anything, other then point out to you stuff."

Me-:"Driving me nuts. He's everywhere you know that?"


Me-:"I was watching a country music video on youtube the other night, and a video of him was in the sidebar, like not connected to anything. So crazy. Then I was chatting with this chick on this Stephen King fan site, and she changed her id photo to one of him in the middle of the whole thing. And when I went to the fashion site few hours ago, scrolling through the latest projects for colour blocking, and this teenager, not even the same chick from before on there, had a project about her dream date with him. Dude, Mad Hatter is like everywhere."

Silence for a few minutes.

Walsh-:"See, as my step mom would say, the universe is telling you something...didn't you say when two people are meant to be they can't help popping up in each other's lives?"

Me-:"Yes, I said that...but this doesn't count!"

Walsh-:"Oh this counts. Just give in."

This doesn't count, can't count because it's all one sided. He's famous, so makes sense...right?

Not equal

"She's way too old for him."   this from my mother as she read out loud one of the status update photos on facebook of one of my cousins. "Look at this! That's just terrible!"

We were watching Bold and the Beautiful, and she made a sound of disgust "He's way too old for her! If they do that put them together, I'm going to stop watching! She's too young!"

Me-:"Well, they don't have any new characters."

We left the channel on, and the Talk came on. "He's way too young for her!"  I don't even know who the person was she was talking about this time, I was in the kitchen not paying attention. "Younger men only ever go after older women for their money, and vise versa."

Me-:" was younger then you. My brother-in-law is nine years older then sister."

She made another noise. "Well, your sister is the exception to the rule. And as far as your father, look the mess that was. And your sister did it right, the man should always be older."

I stood there shaking my head in total disbelief.  "You do realize that you just contradicted yourself to what you said a bit ago right?"

Mom-:"No I didn't!"

Me-:"Yes, yes you did. When we were watching the soap."

She glared at me like daggers. "Well, what would you know about it anyways? Huh? You're not married.What do you know about? No one would ever marry you!"  then she laughed.

Now I know why so many people identify with the movie Psycho and the character Norman Bates. There are just moments in life when you wish you didn't have to deal with your family members.

March 31st post it

Dear Mr. Scratchy, Herman.

Having coffee, sun hasn't yet broken the skyline here, trees swaying in front of the windows, and a few scattered birds making noise. I like mornings like this.
It's a Monday, end of March, and I just read this thing on the Llewellyn (books and tarots) website that says "the borrowed days of March" about how originally March only had 28 days like February had, but for whatever reason, they "borrowed" the other three days from the month of April. Now that's something I've never heard before, and I've heard a lot of myths/wives tales/etc.
The second I read that, I thought it was the type of tidbit you'd get a giggle and raised eyebrow from. You and your buddy who's reading this over your shoulder while you fill up the gas tank at some strange station in the middle of nowhere...if you're driving to your next destination that is.


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Can I trade up?

"Who's that?"  Sister asked. She was over, needed help dying her hair, which basically meant she didn't want to get any of the dye on her own towels or floor or anything.

Me-:"Dimmer."  we had an old ppv popped in the dvd player.

Sister-:"He's a cutie. I don't remember seeing him on when the kids watched wrestling."

Me-:"He hasn't been on in like forever."

Sister-:"I might just have to start paying attention when the show is on. Maybe you've got the right idea after all, with this whole digging on the wrestlers thing."

Me-:"I thought everything was spiffy again with you and your man?"

Sister-:"Oh it is. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind a cutie like that if things go to crap permanently. You know for back up." she leaned over to see the tv a bit better. "And that's a back up."

Me-:"He's someone to admire."

She chatted a bit about the kids and a play the youngest had been in the other night, and one of the boys getting all nervous about his first date. She didn't stick around long, just wanted to get her hair dyed. Left splotches of jet black dye in her wake.

See, everyone has a bit of a thing for Dimmer.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

You've been hexed

Hexed.  When we hear that word, we think a curse put on some poor unfortunate soul by an evil witch from a bad movie. We never think about someone in our lives that just have general bad intentions.

I was getting mom's mail for her this morning, and I bumped into Tarot Lady and one of her psychic friends. We were chatting for a few moments about the weather and how it's been causing the Tarot Lady really horrible back pain, and in the middle of her saying this, her friend leaned over with both hands in front of my face and said "You've been hexed."


Psychic-:"You're chakras are really and I mean really out of alignment. In fact this one you suffer from many headaches?"

Me-:"All the time, since I was a kid."

She nodded putting her left palm on the top of my skull then on the back of my neck. "You've got a lot of rage around you, and not all of it is yours. Someone in your life currently disapproves of something important to you. It's them, they cursed you."

Me-:"That could be anyone."  I just stood there for another moment feeling stupid while she put her hand then by my right temple.

Psychic-:"This has been going on for years. Whom ever it is, they're jealous. Can you think of anyone who might be jealous of your success, at work maybe?"  I told her I don't really have a work, without giving details. "That's a big part of the vibe I'm getting. But there's something else too..." she made a face like she'd been kicked, sort of half stepping back then righted herself again, her hand still hovering around my shoulders and skull. "Is your current relationship with someone your family disapproves of?"

Me-:"No current relationship at the moment."

She shook her head again, blinking then nodded. "Currently. There's that word again. I had another client yesterday who was in a similar situation. They had a massive blockage in their relationship sector when I did their charts. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told them. Time is not linear. You're in a relationship all the time, it's just not made aware to you. Start getting used to the idea that you are 'currently' in one, that should get rid of a good chunk of the bad energy I'm sensing. The rest of it...there is someone who's sabotaging you every time you start to improve things. They can't have happiness so they are sucking all the positive energy from you. Sound like anyone you can think of?"

And this is the weird part. Both myself and the Tarot Lady said at the same time "My mom."  The Psychic friend there, blinked, looked at Tarot Lady then at me, then nodded again. Her hands back hovering at my neck and throat.

Me-:"Pretty much my whole family."

Psychic-:"You need to separate yourself from them or you'll never be rid of this bad energy. Never get rid of the headaches, never be able to be fully happy"

This is the second time in a year, that someone I've never met before, has told me my love life is blocked.

Psychic-:"Who's John?"

Tarot Lady tilted her head and started to laugh, leaned over and said that Timothy had seen a Johnathan too when he did my cards.  I just stood there mouth open catching flies.

Psychic-:"Be on a lookout for this John fellow. If Timothy saw him in your future, count on it. I've never known him to ever be wrong."

I was standing there sort of dumbfounded for a long few seconds, before finally walking back to mom's apartment.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Friday night 28th

Having a coffee, sitting here, as usual, babysitting. Just get the kid to bed, when I got two messages from my cousin Walsh.  "Was the show on tonight?"   and  "Nevermind the last message, it came on after the baseball."

Me-:"Crap! That screws up the dvr."

Walsh-:"For someone who's saying they can't write, you wrote a lot this week."  he was meaning the fairy tale.

Me-:"Fluff. Total filler."

Walsh-:"Seemed fine to me."

Me-:"When you met your wife, was she your type?"

Walsh-:"What do you mean?"

Me-:"When you met her, was she the kind of chick you figured you'd be with?"

Walsh-:"Pretty much. We had the same interests. Why?"

Me-:"Just wondering."

Walsh-:"You do that too much. Relax."

Me-:"Yeah yeah."

Walsh-:"Your man won tonight."

Me-:"Thanks for the spoiler."

Walsh-:"Just doing my part to ruin your night...I thought you were going to talk to Connie?"

Me-:"I told you to have her call me. She hasn't."

Walsh-:"Your boys won a second match."

Me-:"You get off spoiling stuff for me?"

Walsh-:"Yep...not going to argue with me?"

Me-:"About what?"

Walsh-:"You normally bite my head off when I call Mad Hatter your man."

Okay, he's right about that. "What's the point? If you're right you're right, if you're wrong you're wrong. At this point, does it even matter?"

Walsh-:"You can still be yourself. F*** what you think everyone thinks of you."

Easier said than done.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Ghost in the machine man

One of those nights when odd stuff is happening.  My laptop battery drained in under ten minutes, which seems to happen a lot when I'm at my mom's. And at the exact same time, my mother's computer screen popped on. Her computer is clear across the room, and no one was anywhere near it.   Did I mention it was turned off when it happened.

Freaky much.

Not why I came in to blog tonight.   When your nose is itchy for no reason (outside of nose, not inside) it means you have a secret admirer. My nose is scratched to bits.  Few years ago, I would have loved it, but not anymore.

I'm still having some issues getting my muse back for the fairy tale. Difficult, driving me nuts.

How many of us end up with our ideal type of mate? Seriously, how many people really end up with the type of person they have in their minds as being the perfect person? 
In the last couple of years, my ideal man has changed. I have to wonder, if that's because I'm being influenced just by the people around me, or if that's because the right guy for me doesn't look anything like what I used to think he does?  These are the strange questions that run through my mind when I'm stuck in my writing and take a break.  I actually sat down just to have a coffee and my mind started to wander from the fairy tale to that...blogging (thinking) out loud.

So Herman, Mr.'s your day been?

Monday, March 24, 2014

Monday continued

I got a message from Walsh few minutes ago. "Better get ready, you're going to have to practice your lawn toss."


Walsh-:"You said if they put the Pack in that match on the big yearly ppv, you'd throw the tv out the window."  

Me-:" So I did, and you're not funny."

Walsh-:"I am too funny."

No, no he's not. "They looked good though. Makes you want to howl at the full moon or something."

Walsh-:"What is it with you and werewolves anyway?"

Me-:"I like men with hairy chests. I don't know, just do. Why do you like sharks?"

Walsh-:"Like you said, don't know just do."

(I actually do like guys with hairy chests.)

Monday March 24th 2014

Catching up on a few shows I missed on the weekend, sitting at mom's when I got a message from my cousin. "Do me a favour, tell Connie that she's too young to start a coven."

Me-:"Connie, you are too young to start a coven."

Walsh-:"Ha ha! Seriously, she's got it in her head that she wants to start a coven and I need you to talk to her."

Me-:"Okay. Tell her to call me or something."

Walsh-:"So, did you see the show on Friday?"

Me-:"Yes. Why?"

Walsh-:"You feeling any better then you were last week?"

Me-:"Sure. Why?"

Walsh-:"You were acting like the world was coming to an end or something."

Me-:"Well, sometimes it feels that way. Again, why?"

Walsh-:"Just asking. You watching tonight's show?"

Me-:"Yes, are you?"

Walsh-:"Yeah. House to myself. So, anything new?"

Me-:"Not really. Okay, you never ask unless you have something in mind. What's on your mind?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. Just noticed you haven't been blogging much the last week. Just wondering if anything was you know, up?"

I thought I was blogging normal, stupid me.  "No, nothing. What's going on on your end?"

Walsh-:"The usual."  He went silent for a bit, and I started watching tonight's wrestling. "We're going to the Toronto show next month."

Me-:"You and your wife?"

Walsh-:"Me and a few of the guys from work. Jealous yet?"

Me-:"Yes, you rat bastard."  Little pissed that they didn't invite me. Not that I could go, but still would have been nice to be invited.

Walsh-:"Did you catch the video on the website from Friday's show?" 

Me-:"Could you vague that up for me?"   He sent me the link to the exclusives page from Friday's show, told me to just let it run and pay attention to the second video.  "What am I paying attention too?"

Walsh-:"Mad Hatter's pants. I'm surprised I have to point it out to you. Ha ha!" 

They were undone. I don't even want to know.

Saturday, March 22, 2014


There was a time, when I studied the zodiac and horoscopes like they were road maps. And according to them, being an Aries meant that you would have an extremely difficult time finding love, and an even harder time keeping it.
I'm suppose to be most compatible with other fire signs ( other Aries, Leo and Sagittarius) and the air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
I'm also a Tiger in the Chinese zodiac, which makes me most compatible with Pig signs and Dog signs.

As anyone who's studied any of the many forms of astrology knows, that's just a suggestion. Just because you're in a favourable spot in the stars, doesn't mean it's going to work out naturally. My grandparents were a Libra and Sagittarius (I have no clue on their Chinese zodiacs) while my mom and dad were Leo and Virgo.
My grandparents (mom's side) were a perfect match, if you want to go just on their Sun signs. And, it would seem, they were just that. A perfect match in life. (they had the whole fairy tale love)
My parents, not so much. Fire and Earth are said to not work at all, and well, they really didn't. I spent the first 26 years of my life watching them destroy each other till they finally admitted divorce.

So what happens when you are someone like me, who actually follows this sort of thing, and you find yourself with someone who doesn't?

Enter the Pisces Sheep ex-boyfriend from all those years ago.   I, ironically, found an old book I'd forgotten I had, tucked in a drawer this afternoon, on Chinese Zodiac Love Signs.  I haven't seen this book in years. And of course, I would stumble on it today of all days (40th birthday).

The page listing the compatibility of Tigers and Sheep had the corner turned down and circled in pen.  I know for a fact, I didn't do it. And I also know, I haven't dated anyone with the Sheep zodiac since, nor have I seen the book in years. (I seem to have racked up more then my share of Roosters and Dragons though)
This makes me wonder, why would someone who didn't believe in this sort of thing, bother to research it?  It also makes me wonder if this book of love signs, is a sign that my next relationship will be with someone who either isn't completely compatible, or doesn't believe?  Or, maybe the other side of things, and is suppose to be totally compatible and does believe? 
Which of course, would bring up the question of if they do believe and we're not listed as compatible, will that sway them in any way?   You see where I'm going with all this tonight?

As I type this, I'm actually seeing that there is a lot of weight to the whole thing, then I was giving credit to.  For whatever the reason, I found this book again today. A day that is suppose to be the beginning of a new cycle for me, and what I was personally dreading.

How much of relationships, is really destined and how much of them are just simply cooperation?

Friday, March 21, 2014

March 21st 2014

Bit of a long day. Been snowing here for the last four hours.  Tomorrow, I think I'll just sit here and not deal with anything or anyone. Just quietly hide and stuff myself with cake. Carrot cake. Picked it up on the way home tonight from mom's.  No, I'm not sharing.

Tomorrow. The 22nd. 40 and Fabulous? PPPSSTTT...I share a day with William Shatner. Which if you have read me much over the years you already know.

Anyways, on to brighter things, if you want to call it that. I plan on doing a big rant later on the wrestling stuff I sometimes blog on.  That was an awkward sentence. But, you get what I mean. I don't like the new character they have given for the Vlad the Impaler Look -alike on the rookie show. He no longer looks like Vlad the Impaler. He looks like a bad Russell Brand rip-off. I know that's what they're going for with the British accent and the long fluffy hair and the rock star gimmick. But, personally, I hate it. He was one of the main reasons I watched the rookie show, and now I can't stomach him. Fix it. Put him back to being a crazed hunter.

Dimmer, Dimmer, Dimmer...why aren't you on tv anymore? You've disappeared and it sucks.

Herman, Mr. Scratchy. Hi. How's your night been? How's your day been? Is it snowing/raining/sunny where you are today?  I'm guessing that your schedule is stretched to the most elastic it can, with heading into the big yearly ppv?  I don't know if you truly are going to stay silent forever, or if you're waiting for me to guess right, or what have you?  There has been logically speaking, hints in more then one major direction, but what's logic got to do with it?  I've obviously been wrong before. As everyone around me continuously likes to point out.
I think, believe, feel, imagine, that you are as tired on the whole thing as I am. Your buddies even more so. I imagine you sitting there tonight, after a match, your gear half off, reading this, your buddy harassing you to read it out loud so that you all can have your nightly laugh. Even if that's all I can bring to the situation, I'm glad to supply. 
Na, that's not true, that's me being polite and falling into old patterns of feeling less then worthy.
Last August, I figured it out didn't I? (Left Side Post-It, and Left Side Post-It Continued) Herman, for some reason I want to tell you to stop chewing on your lip... anyways...

Anyways, I've come to the conclusion, that the right man for me will show up when I lest expect it, with a dream catcher. Or maybe he'll be the dream catcher?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Welcome spring

Not that it looks like spring where I am. There's ankle deep snow still, which means slush and ice too.

Internet was out since last night. This seems to be happening more and more in my neighbourhood. Which really sucks. Even the school at the end of the street and the Starbucks were without any internet. People panicked. People got angry.  If the world ever does end in a horrible way, it will be because riots broke out in places with people freaking out over loss of the net.

Spring. New beginnings.  Okay, I'm rambling, I really need a coffee.

I'm surprised, Mr. Scratchy, that the last post got like double the normal hits in such a short time. I am wondering what was so special about that last post?  Unless you boys were all sitting on the edge of your uncomfortable folding steel chairs, waiting for me to name someone?  Well, if that's the case Herman, all I can say is; he already knows who he is.

Yeah, I really need an extra large coffee, that made even less sense to me then it probably did to you.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dude, all I wanted was a pepsi

I was told today, in a moment of strangeness, that if the person I'm interested in is kept in the dark any longer then they will give up hope.

Strangeness, because I was standing in line at the lotto store, on the other side of the grocery, pop in hand when this lady who was playing every scratch ticket known to man and instantly cashing them in for more, took a breath from her chatting with the lady who runs the place, turned smiled at me, shook her ticket at me and said this before turning back to the lady at the check out.
The lady at the check out nodded, told me that she -ticket lady- has a knack for that sort of thing. Told me that Ticket Lady knew about her- the lady running the store- last pregnancy before she did and that I should take her advice.

And weird because there isn't anyone in my life currently that I have a thing for.  Other then a few wrestlers. Shouldn't this be the other way around?  I'm the one wondering who the hell Mr. Scratchy really is? 
You dish out the weird and eventually it all comes back to you.

Monday, March 17, 2014

post-it March 17th 2014

Dear Herman:

How's your day been?

We had snow. About a half foot of it today. Sitting here now, listening to The Tea Party cd The Edges of Twilight... love that cd. Always reminds me of belly dancing.
Which, is something I'm considering getting back into. Just hope my knee can hold up to it.

This is one of those nights where I'm not too sure why I felt the need to come in and post one of these, just did.  Insanity maybe?   I had written that then deleted it, and thought no, I'm not going to censor myself.  Was going to say, insanity maybe, doing the same thing over and over getting the same result thinking something new will happen.  If this is insanity ruling this set of blog posts, then at lest it's a polite one.

Actually, Mr. Scratchy, I don't know what to think. Been this way for years, me writing, you reading, and never the train shall to speak. I'll tell you what, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and you keep doing what you're doing and we'll see what we get.

Speaking of you...I imagine your checking in tonight, a donut in hand, chocolate glazed, looking for your car keys, wearing those dirty track pants and torn t-shirt, and by now, very much in need of a wash toque. I think the toque has become a fashion statement.
And I imagine you smiling, the kind of smile that really seeps into your eyes and causes laugh lines and them to sparkle.  I think, on some twisted level you really do adore me, these, this. Whatever this weirdness is.

And with that Herman, I'm going to work on some stuff connected to the fairy tale.


Saturday, March 15, 2014


Not a post-it Mr. Scratchy.
Why is it, when you want to get noticed, you never do, and when you're oblivious to the world around you, you get noticed?  I was in a rush at the grocery, Storm started screaming at me from across the place, all the customers around us turned to see who the hell the moron was trying to talk to. And of course, I looked like I just crawled out from under a tree stump, yoga pants, oversized t-shirt, in desperate need of a haircut, covered in slush and mud from being splashed by some lunatic in the grocery parking lot.
I swear, one of these days I'm going to buy a really expensive dress, get my hair and nails and make-up and what have you done just to go to the grocery and prove that I don't always look like something you find living at the bottom of a swamp.
Though, the last two years I have felt like something you find at the bottom of a swamp...

Anyways, caught up with last night's wrestling. Now that's the Pack I fell in love with. Slaughtering everyone in their eyesight. And I love the fact that Rebel without a Cause had the lead in a few of the segments. About time.  Thought Werewolf King was going to smack Mad Hatter upside the skull when he started dancing to the theme music. Wonder what he would do if someone played him Danzig or Overkill?  Yeah, old references from a billion years ago, deal with it.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Tea with me

At mom's we were watching Young and the Restless, when the doorbell rang. It was Mavis. She had talked Walsh into dropping her off for a bit for a visit.

Mavis-:"You're here again? Uhh, I brought auntie dinner, I didn't bring enough for you."  she had homemade meatballs and pasta.

Mom-:"We already ate dinner."

Mavis-:"But you can have some with me right?"

Mom-:"I'm full from my own dinner, but I'll sit with you while you have yours."   this seemed to be enough to keep Mavis happy. So Walsh and I grabbed a cup of tea and went out to the little lounge for guests.

Me-:"What's going on?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. What's up with you? You okay?"

I think I grunted as I sipped my tea. "You've been reading have you?"  my cousin nodded giggling, as he sat back in his chair, slurping his. "I don't like the whole ending of stuff. I don't like it."

Walsh-:"What's ending?"

Me-:"Me. I'm ending." he leaned in his elbows on the little table they have in the lounge. "Not that, dumbass." I felt stupid suddenly.

Walsh-:"Anything else?"

Me-:"Like what?"

Walsh-:"Meet anyone? Get any emails from any wrestlers?"

Me-:"No and no...wait, there was a new delivery guy tonight when we got take-away. But otherwise, no nothing new."

Walsh-:"Was he cute at lest?"

Me-:"Yeah. They are getting better looking all the time. Younger all the time, but better looking. He told me the price, I handed him the money, he handed me the plastic baggy of food, then told me the price again, and I told him I gave him the money already. God it was right there in his hand still. Moron."

Walsh laughed again."He was distracted."

Me-:"He was an idiot."

Walsh-:"He was distracted staring at your boobs."

Me-:"You're gross."

Walsh-:"What? It's true, you're built like grandma was."

Me-:"That's just disturbing that you would say that. So blogging that you gross little monkey...why did you ask me if I got any emails from wrestlers? what did you do?"

Walsh-:"I didn't do anything. I just think you're not giving yourself enough credit."

Me-:"You're so weird. Thought I was the weirdo." I finished my tea. "That's why Mr. Scratchy hasn't messaged you realize that. Right? He thinks I'm a complete freak. I've said it before. And this is what I mean by ending stuff, I can't keep this whole persona after my birthday."

Walsh-:"Persona"  he air quoted the word. "What persona?"

Me-:"Creepy crazy vampire lady."

Walsh-:"You are a creepy vampire lady. And you're not crazy. My sister is crazy, you're just immature."
he moved his chair away from me sideways laughing.

Me-:"I'm too tired to try to hit you. I never said I wasn't immature, but how many of them read it as crazy? Huh? Must stop scaring the wrestlers. Not that it matters as the only guys who I meet anymore are the delivery guys."

Walsh-:"You need to stop obsessing over finding someone. Mr. Scratchy will show up when he's suppose to." he was leaning then on his hand, his glasses on the table.

Me-:"Can I get that in writing?"

Walsh-:"You're going to blog it, so it will be in writing."

Me-:"So not funny."

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Random SATC episode 12th march

Sitting here, flipping channels, and there was an episode of SATC on. 

The Agony and the Ex-tacy (season 4 episode 1, series episode 49)
This is the soulmate episode.  Carrie is about to turn 35 and starts feeling like a complete looser because she's single. 
The other side stories were edited down to one line, focusing on just Carrie's story (massively edited for morning tv)  Samantha starts to fantasy about a monk, Charlotte tries to get back together with Trey only to realize their issues have deeper roots, and Miranda tries to deflect her feelings of being single by turning everything into a round of jokes.

I found the timing on this to be...cosmic. Given the way I've been feeling lately. There is a scene in this episode where Carrie plans a big dinner with friends, and no one shows up. While, around her a few other younger girls are having birthday parties as well. She ends up going home feeling like crap, then the girls catch up with her, as well as Mr. Big.  This is the first real indication of the age difference between her and Big, as he hints that he's at lest ten years older.

The end of the episode, has Carrie feeling like the whole situation was just a passing thought, simply because Mr. Big shows up for a few minutes like a knight in shinning armor. It almost undoes everything it spent the episode pointing out.

One of the ideas it does bring up, is do we only have one soulmate?  This is not a new idea. Many believe that the term soulmate is used too frequently and in the wrong sense. Those that do, believe in the idea that Twin Flames are what we are actually meaning, and searching for. And that we will only find when we've gone through years of lessons with soulmates.  They believe that we have many soulmates, and they come into our lives when we need to learn a lesson in order to advance to the next phase in life.

Then there are those who believe soulmates and twin flames are the same thing, and that we only have one.
For most of my life, I've lived in this camp.  But the older I get, the more the idea of many soulmates with lessons seems fitting.

Whatever the reality of the soulmate situation, the universe dropped the topic into my lap this morning for a purpose. Since the show was so heavily edited this morning to focus on the theme of Carrie's birthday and her facing her fears of getting older...I'm pulling that as what the universe wanted me to listen to.

So what might I have learned from this? I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my fears, or expectations on how my life has turned.
And if I want to take the message literally, there's a great guy about to drive up in a big black suit just when I decide to give up.  With balloons, lots of red balloons.

Morning notes and coffee stains

I once heard an award winning science fiction writer say, that a good writer will piss off a lot of people, but a great writer will piss off everyone alienating themselves from their family and friends.

I have no friends. Barely anyone in my family talks to me anymore because they have all learned by now that everything is copy. Everything ends up in my stories/on video, and in the last few years, online in my blogs.

I've talked about my health, my money situations, my love life, my desires, and the people who are around me.
Some people thought it was fabulous, giving them their 15 minutes of fame in their minds, others just ended up breaking all ties with me.

I turn 40 next week. My dreams of becoming a published author have long since fallen flat. In high school and college, I had a few poems published in newspapers and independent magazines. None of which are still around. In the years since, it's been nothing but rejection letters, broken promises from shifty agents/editors/so called publishing houses, and a mountain of debt for a self publishing group that ended up being nothing more then red tape.
That dream is dead. The few crumbs of blog posts I do now are all anyone will get to read of my work for now.
I will still write, just for myself. I write because I need to write. I enjoy writing, I get a high off it. Cliched, cliched, cliched. But true. No one might ever get to read my manuscripts but me and the few relatives that still talk to me, but I'm a writer. I'm not an author. And the only difference between a writer and an author is a paycheck.

40 next week. I always pictured myself with seven or eight published novels by now, doing weekly/monthly magazine columns as a day job, balancing it with being a horror hostess, married to a really great guy living in Toronto or Montreal. The dream/goal/expectation was when I got to this age, moving to a small coastal fishing community, opening up a studio where we'd work together creating art/films/music, and run a small coffee house as a day job.

Where did my dreams fall apart? None of it happened, none of it looks like it will ever happen. But we all have dreams, things so deep within us that we can't get over the idea that they will never happen. 
When is it time to just let go of the dreams and when do you continue to believe in them?

The only dream I have left, and that's slipping away at warp speed, is to find that great guy. Love. The one dream no one ever wants to let go of finding. Even when the odds are stacked so high against you, you can't even see your own shadow in the sunlight, it's the one dream people seem to hang on to for dear life.
Cause that's what it is isn't it? Dear life. The one thing that makes life worth it.

I don't know if I'll ever be the woman everyone seems to think I should be?  A no-nonsense firmly based in reality pay the bills and shut up type. That's not me. It's never been me. I'm a lets get dressed up for a Rocky Horror Picture Show party in the middle of the day, learn the dance moves to Backstreet Boys'  'Backstreet's Back'  video, embrace your inner geek and wear it on your sleeve fan-girl.

How can I turn 40 when I don't feel 40?  I still feel like I'm that 19 year old kid who had this purse full of notes and ideas mixed in with her favourite Sepultura tapes. When did growing up mean giving up?

So as I sit here this morning, thinking about this horrifying number that is suppose to magically make me into someone respectable, I just can't help but wonder...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

March 11th 7:17pm

I just watched this movie about a girl who is husband hunting. Half way through this movie, all I could think was, how many of us have done such desperate things as the character is?  The answer was, way too many and way too much.

I came in here and had five paragraphs written about how the movie pointed out crazy moments of desperation that happens to a lot of us...and deleted it.  I deleted it because it made me feel like crap about myself, and like a total crazy person. And contrary to popular belief, I do realize how much of a nutball I sound 95% of the time. I just take for granted that Mr. Scratchy, you are listening between the lines. And that you are on some level just as much a screwdriver.

So Herman, how's your night going?

Monday, March 10, 2014

one ringy dingy

Doorbell went just after 9pm. My cousin was standing there, looking like he had just run a few miles, red checked, breathing heavy.

Me-:"Everything okay?"

He nodded taking his shoes off. "I'm suppose to pick the kids up in a few minutes from swimming lessons. Who's on?"

Me-:"That bodybuilder dude. The Pack is suppose to be on some point...okay, what's wrong?"

Walsh shrugged getting himself a glass of water. "Nothing, mom's got a couple of new foster kids so I didn't feel like stopping in there."  he headed for the toilet.

Me-:"The Pack's on."  I screamed at the bathroom door.

Walsh-:"Damn, how much I miss? Doesn't matter, dvr is set at home. Has Mavis been acting odd?"

Me-:"She's been a total brat the last couple of weeks. Why?"

He shrugged putting his shoes back on. "She didn't want to sleep over at our sister's cause Daffiny's boyfriend was still there at supper time. She's not talking to anyone but, she won't sleep alone."

Me-:"You're getting worried?"

He shrugged again. "I don't know. Next time she's around you, see if you can't get her to tell you why she doesn't care for Daffiny's boyfriend. Okay, I need to get over to pick the kids up before the center closes. They lock the doors to the pool at 9:30pm. I don't want the kids standing around outside their hair wet. Last time the oldest was still in her swimming suit under her clothes, she was just soaked." he was halfway out the door then turned back around and gave me the biggest grin ever. "There, I've just given you a blog post." he giggled as he zipped up his jacket. "Tell Mad Hatter I said hi."  he was laughing as he left the building.

6pm March 10th 2014

Dear Herman:

We hit +8C today. Beautiful, melty outside today.  Okay, strangeness as I say, fidgety? Don't have a clue why I'm thinking your fidgety today...just had this strange thought I needed to come in here and post something, cause I have this vibe that you're looking for something, and therefore waiting for a note or something. I think you hover around when you're bored or feeling out of sorts.  We all have some sort of ego, and mine is that someone finds some sort of comfort from me.

My day was more of the same of yesterday, trying to write the next segment of the fairy tale and getting nowhere with it. How was yours?

I imagine you checking in tonight, Mr. Scratchy, dressed in a yellow shirt, jeans, the toque, your iPod on, and I think you're thinking about a bowl of seafood chowder (I seriously have no idea where that one came from) I imagine you have a pencil tucked behind your ear cause I think you were working on sketches for a painting. Cause remember, I said long time ago that I think you draw/paint/are a photographer and I imagine you have a few half done paintings you're working on. And lastly tonight, I think you're thinking about your script, maybe that's what you're searching for tonight? Something cool to add to the adlibbing.
Talk about the chowder cause it's something people connect to comfort and to me it's funny.'s just stew, white creamy stew.

March 10th 2014

Mom called me, telling me there was a facebook message from Walsh. He's wife wanted to know what I put in my baked pasta and cheese?  I messaged him with the recipe.

Walsh-:"Wife says've been writing I see. Caught up with the fairy tale. Had to explain some to the wife."

Me-:"Little. Still struggling."  In fact, I have been sitting here most of the day, making point form notes for the next segment. Having a difficult time with it.

Walsh-:"So you're good with the idea of Mad Hatter."

Me-:"Not really."

Silence for a bit.

Walsh-:"???? New crush then?"

Me-:"No. You find out what's going on with Mavis?"

Walsh-:"No. She just doesn't want to be around Daffiny's boyfriend. All I know...oh, and I'm suppose to yell at you for letting her watch wrestling."

Me-:"It was less then half a match, I wouldn't call that watching wrestling. Like five minutes of it."

Walsh-:"My older sister said that Mavis was going on about three guys and how cute the one was. When she started to question her whether you had company over, she said no that you were watching the wrestlers on tv."

Silence again.

Walsh-:"So, I'm suppose to yell at you and tell you she's not suppose to be watching that sort of thing."

Me-:"But you let her watch those shows about the vomiting your insides out and eating bugs."

Walsh-:"Um...yeah I get your point."

More silence.

Walsh-:"I wish I could write. I don't know where you get it from?"

Me-:"I don't know about this one, he's stuck in my head. Good or bad, Mad Hatter has planted himself in my mind. But so has Rebel without a Cause. So..."

Walsh-:"Trust me. It's a good thing. One of the better things I've read of yours in years. I really like the fairy tale."

Me-:"The stuff in it I think will get a massive response, hasn't and the stuff I think I can't possibly get away with, is the stuff that gets the major hits."

Walsh-:"What does that tell you?"

Me-:"Follow my gut."

Silence again.

Walsh-:"My gut is telling me that you need to believe in yourself more."

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Return of the Post-it Notes

Dear Herman;

Love letters should never be written on Sundays as they are considered bad luck. Something I've always been confused about given most personal letters are indeed considered love letters. This is not a love letter, given we've never met or actually physically just chalk it up to another omen that you most likely don't even believe in. But I do, therefore I shouldn't even be attempting to write this, but given it's a blog post...zombie brain full now.

How is your morning/afternoon/evening or whatever time of day it is when you read this?  It's morning here, clocks jump(ed) ahead last night where I am. EST/EDT- that always seemed odd to me too. Having to change the S to a D, which I never do when writing it. I like the way the EST looks written.

Coffee?  I will just my dear Mr. Scratchy, get to the getting while you're still giggling at my hyperactive wording... I imagine you this morning, reading this, a newspaper tucked under your left arm, cause I think it was sitting there left by someone in the coffee shop and you picked it up, dressed in a pair of black track pants because they go so well with the hiking boots I think you're wearing for snow traction, a blue sweater, as well as a grey hoodie over it, and I think you found your toque. I imagine you reading this, out loud to your buddy cause you are just in awe of my rambling skills, your buddy smirking; shaking his head at you, telling you that you're going to be late for whatever you've got happening today. And as you do read all this, in the back of your mind you're there a Sex and the City episode for that?


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Hug me continued

My sister showed up, upset, in tears. She said that my brother -in-law has been weird since yesterday morning. She was talking about how she can't handle it. The mood swings, silent treatment, rudeness. 

I noticed she wasn't wearing her rings. She always wears both her engagement ring and her wedding ring.

Both of them are under a ton of stress from work, his ex-wife, etc.   So she was sitting here for an hour, talking about it all. Finally, she managed to calm down, and messaged him, saying she was on her way home for supper.

At one point, she had said she didn't know if it was really worth it anymore? That all the time people spend wishing they were in relationships, once you're in one, you start wondering if you should get out of it?

I just sat there, listening. Finally, when I got a word in edge wise (this was at mom's, and mom talks over everyone) I told her to get him drunk so he relaxes and starts talking.  Cause that was her biggest complaint, he's been bottling up whatever the main thing is and finally this was his way of exploding.

She laughed at me, then said it wasn't a bad idea.

Every relationship has issues. And I only know a snippet of what's going on with my sister's.  But, the whole time, I just sat there a part of me thinking "lest you have a husband."

Hug Me

Mavis jumped on me hugging me, roaring like a tiger. "I'm going to get you!"

Now, it's common knowledge, I'm not big on being hugged unless it's by a boyfriend.

Me-:"Don't touch me."

Mavis started to poke my shoulder. "Why not? You don't like hugs?"

Me-:"I don't like anyone or anything."

Mavis-:"Everyone likes to be hugged." she started to poke my ear, then jumped on me and hugged me again. We had been watching a movie up till then, so she had been quiet and the second the movie was turned off she was hyper running around. When I changed the channel, there was a replay of Monday night's wrestling on. Mavis turned to look at the screen. "How can you not like to be hugged? Would you like to hug my teddy bear?"

Me-:"No, it smells of apple juice."

Mavis screwed up her nose. "I know I spilled. Would you hug...him? Or him?" she was pointing to the screen, the Pack having their match against the Swamp Preacher and his group. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to hug a sweaty big wrestler."

Me-:"I would. Specially one of those three dressed in black."

Mavis-:"Okay, pick your! Me first, I would pick that one right there in the middle. Cause he's got really nice hair. So you can't have him, cause I already said I would hug him. You can have one of the other two. But they would have to shower first because they're all gross from sweating."  Okay, I was holding my sides laughing at her at this point, which just made her worse. My cousin then started to laugh, and started to flick her hair around doing cartwheels. "He pulled his beard. Isn't that against the rules? You didn't pick who you would hug but they have to still be sweaty cause you're not allowed to hug them when they're clean. That looked like it would hurt, him bending his leg like that. Do you think it would hurt? Huh? Watch, I can do the chicken dance I learned it in school."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday March 7th

I got a message from my cousin Walsh. "You watching the show?"

Me-:"No, Mavis is here."

Walsh-:"What do you mean Mavis is there?"

Me-:"I mean, Mavis is here. Driving me nutballs."

Walsh-:"How is Mavis there? She's suppose to be at our older sisters for the weekend."

Me-:"Daffiny walked her over couple hours ago."

Walsh-:"What for?"

Me-:"Your older sister had to work and she didn't want to stay with Daffiny and her boyfriend."

Walsh-:"Huh. I'll talk to her about that. Are they picking her up tomorrow?"

Me-:"Yeah. After your older sister gets off of work. So what was it you were wanting to begin with?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. Bored, everyone's busy. I knew you'd be home."

Me-:"Rub it in."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Young love

Rule of thumb, the second you get comfortable with things, they fall apart at the seams. All I'm seeing on the fashion site are one of two things, wedding planning or break-ups.  Everyone is creating by their heart. It's a sea of teenaged tears and lacy dresses.

Cosmic joke hits home.

Foolish Heart. Well, it's true, what you're interested in the most, good or bad is what you will find in abundance. So very fitting that I'm seeing the happy and the sad of relationships everywhere.

Speaking of fashionable situations...I wonder why Dimmer hasn't been on wrestling the last while? I must blog about that...(this would be me blogging about that)

Back to the original topic...sort of... I've mentioned a few times over the years that I don't have the bride gene. While all these girls are planning their weddings, like Norman Bates recruits collecting shower curtains, I've never seen the point.

And you're thinking "what? Wait! All this talk of finding the one right perfect guy to be your husband and you're not a bridezilla?"

I believe in marriage, not really weddings. Marriage is the whole point not the white dress, the commitment not the credit card maxed out. I've always said when I find the one right man, the perfect guy for me, my soulmate, the dude just a little crazy enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me; I'm good with a drive-thru wedding bells chapel in Niagara Falls (Canadian side of course) with an Elvis Impersonator as the minister.

Which brings me to something my aunt said to me earlier. What happens when I finally meet the man of my dreams and what if it ends up he's American?  I've never actually considered that part.
I guess we'd move to a border town that was half in Canada half in America, or something.  Here I've always worried about things like when I find the right guy how will our religions mix? Will I have to become a carnivore again or will he be a vegetarian?  Will we agree on our favourite wrestler or come pay-per-views will we be cheering for opposite guys?  You know, the stuff of every day, the little things that make a relationship work. Never thought about something as big as a country.

Well, here's hoping love really does conquer all.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Post-it note March 5th 2014

Dear Herman:

I'm sitting here this morning, the song "Perfect Drug" stuck in my head, not sure why? Listening to the chick who was living with the downstairs neighbour as she and two others are moving her out. I guess she's finally had enough of the abuse and cheating.
This got me thinking this morning about things, people, life. The parts that are good, that most people don't even notice till they're gone. The things that can be taken for granted.
I know, I've stopped writing these to you, technically, because I felt on my end they were not giving me what I was wanting. I have no idea what you got out of them on your end? I took for granted these were/are just me sharing moments in my day. I had it pointed out to me by someone who's much braver and smarter then I am, that if you're reading these then you're sharing moments of your day. And considering I believe you to be a very busy international wrestling superstar... a few moments of your day are gold.

So Mr. Scratchy; Herman, I imagine you checking in right now, having just come back from an early session at the gym, maybe getting packed for the airport. I think you're standing there right now, a coffee in hand, bagel hanging out of your mouth, searching for your missing toque, I think it's grey with a dark stripe through it, wondering if you should add music to your favourite playlist, while you quickly read this.
I think you missed me.

Smile, bagels are yummy.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Missed calls

Door bell rang about twenty minutes ago, my cousin Walsh was standing there cigarette hanging out of his mouth, talking to one of the neighbours from the next building. "What? You not talking to me or something?"


Walsh-:"Last night, I messaged, you didn't answer. You always answer. Everything alright?"

Me-:"I didn't get any messages. Everything's fine. Why?"

Walsh-:"You just didn't answer. I messaged right after your guy's match. Did you see the show?"

Me-:"Yeah, did actually. Didn't see that little twist in the plotline with Rebel without a Cause. Thought they'd pull something like that with Werewolf King."

Walsh-:"So, why didn't you answer?"

Me-:"I didn't get any messages, I just said that. None."

Walsh-:"So you didn't have a hot date or anything?"  he grinned as he tossed the cigarette butt. "Cause wife bet me that you did." he stretched.

Me-:"No, not hot date, no cold one either. What on earth would make you think I would have a date?"

He shrugged checking his cell phone, scrolling through it and showed me the messages that he swore he sent. "Oooppss." he gave a small giggle. "Okay, you're right I'm wrong. I sent the text to my sister."

Me-:"Told you I didn't get any messages. Why would you think I would have a date?"

Walsh-:"I don't know? Wife was the one who thought you did. She seemed to think that you're dating someone."

Me-:"And she got this idea how?"

Walsh-:"I'd know? We were sitting there watching wrestling, I messaged you, you never replied, she said you were on a date. I thought maybe she saw you out with someone or something. I said I didn't think so because you'd blog about it and you hadn't so..." he shrugged.

Me-:"Now who's jumping to conclusions?" 

His phone buzzed, it was the kids asking if they could stay longer at their friend's place, but he told them no, he was on his way to get them because they had piano lessons after supper. Nodding he got into the truck and just sat there for a moment before leaning out the window. "I'm suppose to tell you that one of my wife's co-workers is single. But I'm not going to tell you this because he is divorced and hates wrestling. So there's no point in telling you that one of my wife's co-workers is single. Right?" he grinned as he pulled out of the parking lot.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Enough crazy to go around

When I was leaving mom's earlier, the cops were there. I was told by a very large police officer to go back into my apartment. Okay, not going to argue, went back into mom's for another half hour till we saw the cop cars leaving.
Just got a call from mom, she said that G-Babbs had knocked on her door few minutes ago, filling her in on the situation, cause she had seen me being told to go back inside the apartment.  Seeing the cops in our neighbourhood has become such a common event lately, that half the time we don't even bother to ask what happened anymore.  Well, I was just informed that the lady who lives in apartment 110 in my mom's building, stabbed her husband then tried to blind the guy across the hall from them when he called the cops and medics.

What the hell? Now, I have to say that's a first. Mom said G-Babbs told her the woman was screaming that she "knew about what they had gotten up to on the weekend with the two girls!"

I'm sitting here in my apartment, and in the last two hours, all I've heard from my downstairs neighbours has been furniture breaking and doors slamming. While I was on the phone with mom, the chick who's now dating the downstairs neighour, stormed up the stairs screaming that "they weren't her underwear so who's the f*** were they?"  Where upon, the guy screamed that it didn't matter because he was just going to do it again.  More doors being slammed and what sounded like someone being thrown down the stairs.

I'm hiding quietly in my apartment. I give it a half hour before the police get called again here. They've been here twice in the last month already.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Look me in the eye and tell me like it is

I was on my way home about a half hour ago, and passed by these two teenagers who were standing at the corner waiting for the lights to change. One was complaining that whenever she's with her boyfriend, he never listens to her because he's too obsessed with her chest.  The second girl agreed, saying how much she hates it when guys never look her in the eye when they talk to her.

This brought me back to a conversation a group of us had back in college. Same topic. This was twenty years ago, but I still remember how the whole situation made me feel.  There were seven of us sitting around the table on break between classes, and two girls walked past, causing all three of the guys to have whiplash. This angered one of the pretty girls sitting at the table, and she ripped them all a new one. Complaining that it was disrespectful of them, and how would they feel if when they were talking to someone they never had eye contact?
I responded to her saying the opposite, how would they - the pretty girls in the group of which there were three- feel always having a guy never breaking eye contact?
That stopped the one girl cold and planted an idea in her head.  She had all the guys at the table close their eyes and describe what each of us were wearing, our hair and eye colour.  None of the guys at the table got the hair or eye colour right of the other three girls. All three got my eye colour right. All of them did manage to get some part of the outfits the pretty girls were wearing right, but not one single one of them got mine even close.
Which, sadly proved my point.

Hearing those two teenagers today, really hit a nerve with me. I know they say certain situations that happen to us when we're young stick with us for the remainder of our lives, even when we think we've gotten over it.  Twenty years ago, it was all I could do to get up from the table and leave the room before the tears started.
Sitting here now writing about it, I just can't help but wonder, when do we stop being what others see?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Notice that he noticed that I think I noticed

"You wrote!" my cousin Walsh was leaving my mom's building this morning as I was getting there. He was picking up Mavis, and I was struggling with bags of groceries. Which he just stood there and let me continue to struggle with.

Me-:"What? Oh the fairy tale. I did."

Walsh-:"I told you."

Mavis-:"Is this the same one I'm not allowed to see? Did you buy me anything?"

Me-:"Same one, and no, I didn't buy you anything."

Mavis-:"That's okay this time, but next time I expect you to have cookies! And granola bars, I like granola bars specially when they have icing on them, but not the chocolate chip ones cause I hate chocolate."

Walsh-:"Since when do you hate chocolate?"

Mavis-:"Since always."

Walsh-:"See, I told you that you'd get over your writer's block. Cause Mad Hatter..."

Me-:"Not really over the writer's block. That took like two days to get just that little bit, like two paragraphs." I put the groceries down, since it was obvious my cousin wasn't going to help. "But I noticed something. I don't know how I missed it before?" he looked at me, this smug look on his face. "Rebel without a Cause is reading the fairy tale."

Walsh-:"Um, that's news?"

Me-:"No, it's more like conformation. In a really backwards way. Anyways, he said something as the interview was being cut off, and I remembered hearing him say the same thing a few times over the course of their promos in the last few months..."

Walsh-:"What did he say?"  Mavis was digging through the grocery bags at this point.


Walsh stood there for a second then nodded the light bulb flickering in his brain. "Right cause of the characters in the...gotcha."

Me-:"You have no clue why that's important do you?"  He shook his head shrugging, Mavis tugging on his sleeve wanting to go. "It means, very possibly he likes my work."

Walsh-:"But he's not Mr. Scratchy."

Me-:"I never said he was. I said it means he most likely likes my writing. That matters to me. The idea that someone...actually reads me because they like my work not just because they want to see if they made the blog that day, means a lot."

Walsh-:"I don't get it. You already know these guys read you. So what's saying a random word got to do with anything?"

Me-:"People copy other people's actions and speech when they respect them, conscious or unconscious. Something as simple as an inside joke the fact both of them in that interview ended up sitting in the same position, unconsciously copying each other."  I picked up the groceries and continued on to mom's apartment, as Walsh was being dragged out the door by his little sister.

Walsh-:"You feeling better about this whole thing now?"

Me-:"Sort of."

Walsh-:"See, I knew everything would work out for the best."

Me-:"That was one segment. One! That took me like two days to write. Not like Mr. Scratchy opened up and started to talk to me."

Walsh told Mavis to behave and give him a minute. "He will. I still think you've just missed it. There have been major clues and hints and stuff, you're just in denial on Mad Hatter."

Me-:"Well, he's got 21 days to open up and say something. Whomever Mr. Scratchy is. Then...well another decade older."  

Walsh finally had to give in to his sister and left.