Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy 2012

Everyone have a very safe and happy night as you make your way into the new year.

Meanwhile in the dark

My new neighbours started their New Year's a few days early. The hallway in our building smells like beer now. 

So here I am just after 7:30 am, the sun still has not risen, the traffic outside only started, and I've got the kettle on for coffee.  You can see the frost on the windows in a pattern that looks like iced webs.

Okay Mr. Scratchy,  I just wanted to say morning and wish you lovely day. Kiss your forehead and send you to work/the gym/to play hockey/shovel snow  or whatever you are doing this morning.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Tidbit 30th Dec

Ever notice that spammers really want you to have sex?
I was just checking my emails, and am one of those who checks the junk/spam file every day to make sure nothing fell in there that should have been in the inbox; and there was bunches of spam mail for sex.
Viagra, hooking up, enlargers, etc. 

Do the dregs of the internet know something us mere mortals and bloggers don't? 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Put out the light then put out thee light

I'm up wide away with another round of insomnia.  And in between getting a bit done on the new story, I've been unable to stop thinking about the movie Othello.  
I watched it yesterday.  It's a movie I used to love but haven't seen in years.   Here you have a story written a few hundred years ago about how easily love can get twisted up for all the wrong reasons.  Desdemona is the epitome of innocence and faithfulness, yet she is the one to blame for an adultery that never even happens.  All because Iago is jealous of her new husband Othello.

Because of his own trusting nature, he's led into a paranoid delusion that spirals downward until driven to murder.  It is very possibly the most tragic and desperate of anything every written by Shakespeare.

Here we are faced with the idea that a man could love so deeply that just the mere thought that his wife could even be talking to another man in secret sends him into seizures.

What it brings to mind is everything from how deeply romantic the idea that love and lust could be that strong to the other end of the spectrum, which is how easily some people are to being abusive.  Cause let's face it,  Othello thou the victim of an evil plot still in the end kills his wife.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dec 27th

I had started writing a new manuscript this afternoon, inspired by an old match involving The Other Guy and The Celebrity.  8 pages, the most of anything I've written in over a year.  Not much in the long run, but progress none the less.
In between I've been scratching the right side of my body {it went on for more then 45minutes}

Also, I confessed elsewhere about a vision I had few nights ago.   A dark outline of a man playing with a dog.  I've read about other people having cryptic visions/dreams just before meeting their soulmates. I'm wondering ... 

Monday, December 26, 2011

Mindless Monday 26th

"You screwed up on that quote. It's crusted like a wornout penthouse"   Nura pointed out to me earlier.

Me-: "Yes, I realized my mistake after I'd done the post.  Like two hours afterwards and it was too late to fix the title. Oh well, seems I suck." I scratched at the right side of my face for a moment like a dog with fleas. "I had a bit of an aha moment."

Nura-: "Lay it on me."

Me-: "I can date any type of guy on the planet as long as it's not another wrestler. Which blows because wrestlers are what I am attracted to the most."

Nura-: "Um okay. Waiting for the punch line just sock it to me."

Me-: "Okay there then.  No, seriously; and this is the downer of it.  I can't date wrestlers. Even if by some crazy chance at some future wrestling event I caught the eye of one, I wouldn't be allowed to date him cause it would be wrong. Considering the whole thing with Mr. Scratchy."

Nura: -"I still don't understand."

Me-: "We can agree at lest, that Mr. Scratchy is a wrestler right?"

Nura-: "Uh-huh."

Me-: "Right. So dating any other wrestler would be like cheating with his brother. Understand now?"

Nura-: "Does he have a brother?"

Me-:"You're not getting it are you?"

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Like a crusted Penthouse

There was a bit of a commotion in the hallway about a half hour ago.  Doors slamming, people screaming and running up and down the stairs.  So I went to see what was happening. 
The new neighbours were having a fight.  And just as I was closing my door to come back into my hovel of an apartment, this kid came scampering out of their apartment across the hall with something in his hand. 
I heard a man's voice screaming at him to get back inside.  Then he came to the doorway to collect the kid. 
The kid couldn't have been more then about 3 years old, and was standing there in a pair of blue pajamas with little reindeer on them.  In his hand was a magazine.  He dropped it as the man - I'm guessing his dad- picked him up.   The magazine fell open on the floor.
The guy went four shades of red and snatched up the magazine tossing it into that apartment not looking at me.

A song by Artificial Joy Club is where the quote "like a crusted penthouse" is from. I thought it was more then fitting.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Friday Night

I find myself sitting here listening to the sound of cars in the muck and snow outside as people rush off to their last minute shopping or to the airport or what have you.

Decided it was a perfect night to watch a few episodes of Charmed.  I find myself oddly connecting to the character of Phoebe mid-series after she gets the newspaper job.

And you my cream-filled blog readers are nodding saying that of course I would identify with that character.  As she takes on a very SATC Carrie Bradshaw quality. 

Here's the big difference between me and them... besides the fact they are both fictional characters on very very popular televisions shows... they had a support group to get them through their rough patches.  Charmed had the sisters and Sex and the City had the best friends.

This is one of those nights where I'm trying to be all witty and make the post connect with something, but I'm just going to lay my heart on the typewriter.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What's a man when there are mountains

"Why do you think Mr. Scratchy hasn't contacted you yet?"

The famous question.  This time it came from Nura's husband.  I don't have an answer.  I have theories, lots and lots of theories but no real answer.  Both Nura and her husband Earnan believe that Mr. Scratchy is too nervous.   I laughed at that one.

Earnan-: "Okay, well then why won't you message the guy from the dating site that we think would be perfect for you?"

Me-: "Because he's gorgeous.  I have no idea how a man that good looking would need a dating site." I answered looking at the link they sent me.

Earnan-: "You think he's hot?"

Me-: "Uh yeah. I'm betting he's got an overflowing inbox of offers. There's no point in me even trying."

Earnan made a grunting sound then shook his head at the webcam. "So you think that you can't measure up to the other women who might be talking to him?"

Nura-: "His profile says he's divorced."

Me-: "What's that got to do with anything?"

She shrugged.

Earnan-: "How do you know your Mr. Scratchy isn't thinking the same thing?"

Me-:" That this guy is way too hot and most likely has an overflowing inbox and therefore I don't stand a chance? Do I even want to know what you are doing looking around a dating site?"

Nura laughed and said no then laughed again.  "I was checking out this guy Tammy is hot for and spotted this other guy and your name came into my mind.  I think this one is totally perfect for you."

Earnan-:"No that he can't measure up. Mr. Scratchy I mean. And you didn't answer my question."

Me-: "I'm trying not to."

Nura-:"This guy's profile says he's 34." 

Earnan-:"Do you or do you not think it is possible that he's not coming forward because..." he pointed at the webcam with the biggest shit eating grin and said "...because you think he's the best thing since sliced bread? That's a lot of pressure."

Nura-: "Isn't it the greatest thing since slice bread... not best?"

Me-: "Yeah it is. Greatest thing.  One of the bread companies obviously came up with that.  I like that speech in the movie Julie/Julia with the  toast saying she's the butter to his bread.  I cried the first few times I saw that part.  Then they use it again at the end of the film for the other ones."

Nura-: "So you going to message this guy on the dating site or do I have to do it for you?"

Me-: "No! Don't even think about it. So you're saying you think that Mr. Scratchy, my Mr. Scratchy is a chicken?"

Nura-: "Maybe not a chicken... okay yeah. We think that he's just afraid. Afraid he'll disappoint you."

Me-: "That's so wrong.  Turkey maybe but not a chicken."

Earnan-: "What's the difference?"

Me-: "Turkey's are usually free range birds that are large and have that thingie on their beaks called a snood... I think it's on their beaks and not on their throats. Do not make me google I hate googling."

Nura-: "What the hell are you going  on about?"

Me-: "You know that cockscomb thingie.  It's used in stuff with the other organ meat. Cassoulet and stews and sausages."

Earnan-: "How did we go from you dating to bird parts?"

Me-: "You started it with your bread and chicken sandwiches talk there."

Nura-: "We're just saying that maybe he's afraid to step out of his comfort zone you know. "

Me-: "Cocks and peckers.   Why do chickens and other poultry have to be named after a man's penis? But yet girls are called birds and chicks in slang. Now that's something to wonder about."

Nura-: "Oh my god. Please tell me you're drunk."

Monday, December 19, 2011

Somewhere out there Dec 2011

Last night, {Sunday} between 9:15pm and 9:45pm EST, Mr. Scratchy, the right side of my body was nearly scratched off. 
Between 5:15pm and 5:45pm {tonight} not as much.  I'm guessing you were in a rush?

I suspect you are sitting there reading this as you wind down for the night, a beer in hand and an old black and white movie in the background. Cause isn't old b/w movies about all you can find this time of year? Or even a replay of the wrestling {company #1 as it's a Monday as I write this} maybe waiting for a pizza if it's not too late.
If you are reading this before your day starts in the morning, I'm thinking you have a hot coffee in hand, maybe getting ready to shovel snow if you're in a cold city, wearing a dark-grey coloured toque {wool hat} Cause a man with both his ears is a sexy thing... or getting ready to mow the lawn if you're in a southern city.

I believe that you get a laugh out of these little post-it-notes I leave on here for you.  That they bring a smile to your face. {and a shake of the head with a roll of the eyes and maybe even an "oh god woman" while you pinch the bridge of your nose}  Even if I creep you out a bit if/when I'm right about certain things.  Specially when/if I'm ever right about certain things. {I am right about the toque aren't I?}

Mr. Scratchy; you know me from my blogs inside and out. but I want to just ask you one thing.  What's you're favourite movie?   

Sunday, December 18, 2011

You've got Male 18th Dec 2011

I just logged into my emails and there was a message from someone who's email address I didn't recognize.  The message was a one liner.   

"Had you on the brain. Thought I'd say hey :) How's life?"

Took me a few minutes before I realized it was Freud.  The last guy standing so to speak way too long ago for me to want to admit to.
The reason we ended was because he admitted to having more then just me in his life. 

And he thought he'd let me know that he's single right now. 

If ever there was a moment when I wish I could say I wasn't this would be it.  {deep sigh} Mr. Scratchy, if only you were here.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dear Love part 2

A glass of Merlot, a jazz CD, and a quiet night.
That's what I was faced with tonight.  Should have been inspirational but it wasn't.
All I could think about as I sat down to write was the missing element.  The guy I wished was here beside me.   The guy who just some how keeps me on a thread of hope.  Mr. Scratchy.
Here I am, the middle of the night once more and as usual unable to sleep.  The sounds of the neighbourhood returning from the bars and the snow plows outside.  Isn't winter a strange season?  Not even pitch dark nights and -23c can keep some people from socializing.
Nor does it keep the hookers from working, as it seems the back lane behind our building is a favourite spot for them to do so.  I can't tell you how often over the years, I've taken the trash out in the mornings to find a scattering of used condoms on the ground behind the garbage shed.
I don't know if you're catching this after you get in from your own life, a cup of tea in hand, in those pajama bottoms that I believe are plaid, maybe a faded tee with a ripped shoulder; as you wind down before bed.  Or if you are catching this in the morning first thing, with a coffee beside you, your hair sticking up, not yet shaved and undecided if you're having fruity-o's or rice crisps for breakfast. I just hope I bring a smirk to your face for a bit every day. Not a full smile, just a smirk as a smirk is more effective.  That's not totally true, I do want to bring a smile to your face.
If you are reading this before you start your day heading to work or to the gym or just out, and you find yourself suddenly hearing the Journey song  "Don't Stop Believing" you're going to laugh and smirk and think of nothing but this post.  And maybe I'll have brought a smile to your face for a bit today.
Till later Mr. Scratchy

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Love Letters of Lesser Men Vol 1

In the movie for Sex and the City,  there is a scene where Carrie and Big are curled up in bed reading from a volume called "Love Letters of Great Men"
The book comes to play later in the movie when Mr. Big is trying to express how sorry he is by copying out each letter.
This prop, did not exist outside of the movie until enough fans had been asking for it that a publishing company finally put it together.  That lends a lot to how powerful the suggestion of something like that is.

The simple love letter.

Which proves, that something that powerful is never just simple. Even when you wish it were. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What's sex got to do with it?

In episode 52 from season 4 of Sex and the City called  What's Sex Got to do with It?  Carrie is dating a guy with no attention span, Samantha is dating a woman, Charlotte has to deal with Trey only wanting sex and Miranda has a new addiction to chocolate.  The question of the week is "What comes first the chicken or the sex?"
It's an episode where two of the girls are having sex hoping to turn them into full relationships and one of them is having a relationship without sex hoping to turn it into a sexual one.  Where as Samantha can communicate for the first time about her sexual/relationship desires, neither Charlotte nor Carrie can seem to.

I was once told by a former friend Rita, that all I write is smut. This was said as she threw one of my manuscripts across the room.
That was the last time I let her read any of my work.  That was over ten years ago, and the story I had written wasn't even about sex, it was about relationships and the way people use power in the relationships to get what they want. She just happened to get to the one sex scene in the first half of the story.  
{I used to write two per manuscript, one near the first half, and one at the end. The format made very popular back twenty-five years ago in romance novels. }

Romance. Relationships and yes, sometimes sex. They go hand in hand and are not always pretty or comfortable.  Sometimes you find yourself having one wishing to add the other, sometimes you find yourself wondering how you got the bit you managed. 

But this morning as I was writing a few pages on what could be a new manuscript, I started to think about that day. There was a power struggle in our so-called friendship that I didn't see until years later. Rita liked the idea of having me around because I didn't talk back.  I didn't stand up to her. {The woman had been thrown out of more taverns then I can count, for bar fights when we were younger.}

That day all those years ago, I don't think the fact I had written a semi-graphic sex scene really had anything to do with it. I think it had more to do with the fact I had the guts to write something like that.  Something that made Rita feel uncomfortable, and possibly shifting the power between us.

And you might be thinking how does this tie into the SATC episode?
It's about having the guts to express what you need/desire in a relationship.  When it comes to relationships or friendships of any kind, if you're not getting your needs met there is always an imbalance; leaving one person feeling a bit sheepish. You have to stick up for what you want. In the episode there is a line uttered by Charlotte saying "Why can't I have both the sex and the relationship why does it have to be one or the other?" In another scene she finally has the guts to tell Trey how she feels and starts screaming about how she is married to him not his penis. For her, it wasn't about the sex it was about feeling used. That becomes the point in the series where the power shifts from Trey to Charlotte who up till that point has always been the shy girl who just goes along with everything everyone else wants to do.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dirty Laundry 11

It was a not so great night, part to do with a conversation my mother had with my sister.  She was upset and somewhere between tears and anger.
I've decided that my sister and brother-in-law are a non-existing topic. I'm done with them and their mood swings.  Needless to say, my sister and I have not spoken in a month.
After about a half hour of the phone call with my mother I started to get distracted and turned on a wrestling DVD.  Mother made a comment about how loud the DVD was as she could hear it over the phone.

"Not him again!"  was her reaction to hearing the theme song for The Celebrity.

Me-: "Always. I actually haven't watched this one in months. There was a bit of dust on the cover." 

Mother-: "I just don't understand how you can watch something over and over again? Specially your little skunk man. I just don't see what it is you find so great about him? He's like a little kid with his finger up his nose, hands he can't sit still."

What can I say...sometimes, you just want to see a hot guy with his hand down his pants.

While on the topic of The Celebrity, I got asked the other night by a friend of Nura's,  how The Celebrity found out about me and my writing to begin with.  I'm fairly sure it has to do with the fact I wrote about company #4 back about five and a half years ago and one of the wrestlers had seen it. That particular wrestler is no longer alive, but I know they worked in company #3 around the same time.
He then asked me what would I do if I had to choose between The Celebrity and my Mr. Scratchy.  I told him that I really didn't see that as being an issue. 

Play that song again

Seems, I was not fast enough last night with my blog post.  I had just hit the publish button and saw in my stats that there had been a hit while I was writing.  Now I know why Mr. Scratchy, I had the intense feeling that I was racing the clock with that overnight post.

Then, I was unable to sleep which has become a horrible pattern with me.  And to add to it, I had an old Bon Jovi song playing over and over and over in my mind.
The song was so clear that I actually checked the hallway to see if anyone in the building was up with their stereo on.   None.  Peaked out the windows to see if anyone was in the parking lot but nothing.  There was no reason for me to be hearing this song the way I was.

Okay, this means that either the universe is up to something or I'm getting really bad cabin fever from having to stay inside with my broken foot.

The song was "She Don't Know Me"   and it literally just kept replaying in my mind until I did finally drift off to sleep around 3:30am.   This morning I had to hunt down the video online and watch it a few times to sort of get the song out of my head.
One of those old 1980's videos that don't make a lot of sense.  There's Bon Jovi dreaming about and following his ideal girl, while the girl next door is dreaming about him following him around, and at the end of the video; you see his confusion as he looks from one to the other.    Never really sure if the video was meaning that they were twins, or one was a doppleganger or if its a metaphor for him wanting the ideal and realizing that the plain girl was also his ideal?  That they are the same girl?

See universe might be up to something... or dare I even say that my soulmate was listening to that song late last night?  Who knows?

Dear love

It's the middle of the night, and I've just spent more time then I should have trying to figure out what was suppose to be the latest post and it sits in draft.
Mr. Scratchy, I feel like this is a race with the clock to get something on here before you check in.
As I sit in my pajamas fending off the cold, I ask you how your night was as I'm sure you're just winding down.
I hope your day/evening went well and hope to some day hear a reply.  In any case, sweet dreams Mr. Scratchy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The return of IMG almost

Some of you might remember me telling you about a introduction gone sour a year ago.  It ended up being a few calls and emails that ended in me being stood up.

I received an email last night from the International Model Guy.  He talked about how he couldn't wait to see me and how he was sorry for not calling.
I was shocked to see the message and suspicious to say the lest about the whole thing last year.  Did he honestly think I would be over joyed to hear from him now?

I emailed back saying how I was surprised to hear from him. 
He emailed back a half hour later saying the message was for another girl, he'd forgotten her last name and sent the message to both her and me because we both had the same first name.  Then had the nerve to say maybe if he's free over the holidays he'd call me anyway. 

My first reaction a year ago about him being a dick was wrong.  He's worse. 

Are there any decent men left out there?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Stolen Moments vol 2

It's quiet here.  Can hear the birds outside of the windows even though they are closed.  Can see the light curls of grey from the clouds.
It's one of those mornings that will most likely lead itself into a light snow.  The shade of grey that you see when you puff out a candle.
The kind of morning that most people like to share with someone, talking quietly about their day or making plans for their next vacation.

This is me, Mr. Scratchy; sharing my morning with you.  Wherever you are right now.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Deal breakers vs Dealing

"I think you should just start dating again. You're driving me mental which means you are driving me mental." Nura said in an email.

My reply -:"Dating involves having to shave your legs daily and bikini area, making sure your eyebrows are plucked, it involves smelling fabulous even when you've been sweating, it involves having at lest three great outfits for the dates, one being up-chic casual for afternoons of errands just in case you bump into someone who might be a potential date, it involves having your make-up and hair done all the time, it involves making sure you have brand new matching bra and underwear usually in lace and having enough money at all times for drinks, movies and cabs home as well as condoms.   Honestly, I just do not have the energy or time for that kind of production." 

Nura emailed back that maybe I should date a few guys anyway to 1- help get out of my rut and 2 - think of it as research for the column.

Am I in a rut?  Here I thought I was just tried of wasting time on men I wasn't interested in.

All I know for sure is that Thursday night between 9pm till after 10:30pm {EST} I was scratching the right side of my body like madness. {Mr. Scratchy ...}

In season 3 of Sex and the City {episode 35 called No Ifs, Ands, or Butts } the question of the week is "In relationships, what are the deal breakers?"
It's the episode where we're introduced to Aidan, the man Carrie nearly marries.

I've been thinking about this question a lot as of late.  For me if I'm not getting butterflies from the thought of the guy then there is no point.  Butterflies are my big deal breaker.
To be honest, the only two men as of the last year to give me butterflies are The Celebrity and the DoubleStarr.
Two famous men on tv.  Talk about flying without a parachute.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Funny the new Black

Whenever something is suddenly the trend, it gets shoved into the sentence " the new Black"
Funny seems to be the "it"  right now.  I saw this morning on the internet that the 100 Hottest Women of all times was the topic de jour.
Jennifer Aniston was given the top spot lending that funny is sexier right now then being straight up hot.

I guess this means there is still hope for me yet.  Funny is where I fall in the scope of things with aspirations of some day being cute.

Okay so I'm way less Aniston funny and way more Addams Family funny but you have to work with what you've got.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dirty Laundry 10

"Seems you have a stalker. You think it's anything to worry about?"   Nura's husband Earnan said when I was on a chat with Nura the other night.  He had come to the webcam for a moment to hand her a cup of coffee and looking over her shoulder started to point at the computer. "I was reading some of your stuff earlier when Nura went to the bathroom, she had your blog up."

Me-:"Oh it's just the Musician.  Though I have no idea why he's so interested in everything I have to say when he could just email or something."

Earnan-: "Speaking of music.  I think, and call me crazy, but I think ...."

Both myself and Nura screamed that he was crazy, almost at the same time.

Earnan-: "Ignoring that.  I think your boys are waiting for some sort of positive on their side project."

Nura-: "Okay hon thanks for the coffee go away now."

Me-:"Did you read the company blog a year and a half ago?"

Earnan-: "That was like you said a year and a half ago. Check the guy out."

Nura-: "Hon just please.  Take the dogs for a walk. Love you."

Me-: "Earnan is wrong about this ... isn't he? I mean really now, you read the post year and a half ago that The Celebrity wrote about the side project.  Like a f**king neon sign that said no me allowed."

Nura-: "I can't tell you.  Just don't understand myself why you still feel that way about it. Haaaayyyyy! A year and a half ago?  Wasn't that about the same time you stopped writing? Oh my god! Why didn't I connect that before?" {she slapped her hand to her forehead}  "Darling, you've got to deal with this if you want to get back to writing."

Me-: "Honestly, I'm not sure right now I should be back to writing.  Not sure about anything anymore."

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You've got male Dec 2011

"He's kinda cute."    The sentence came from the lips of the Nanny who was babysitting across the hall when I opened the door for my pizza last night.   She was referring to the pizza guy.   The Nanny was coming into the building with a stack of take-away herself, herding the 10 year old into the apartment. 

I grunted. 
The guy had long hair and looked like he hadn't eaten anything himself in years. 

This morning when I opened my emails, there was a message from one of the long forgotten dating sites that I had joined a few years back and forgotten to remove/hide my profile from {I'm going to give up on trying to remove myself as the messages still get through even when I've gone off the searches} saying that Random Man #1009 wanted to meet me.
My mistake was bothering to look to see who.   It was the greasy haired starved pizza guy. 

That was my mistake because logging in showed me being online.  About an hour ago, I got another one of those messages saying Random Man #1010 wanted to meet me.   This one let me view him without having to log back in, just hit the line and his profile came up. {hence the whole issue with profiles being used even if you "delete" yourself. They never really delete and they can be used to advertise the sites}
This one, looked like a bad copy of Triple H.  Once again long greasy hair and muscles on top of muscles that made me wonder if he could scratch his own ass?

At lest the pizza was tasty.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I still don't know how she

I'm reading the book version of  I Don't Know How She Does It  and I'm seeing a similar pattern to the way Bridget Jones's Diary was written.  I was a bit disappointed when I saw the film few months ago, but I had bought the book the same day. 
And now finally have gotten around to actually reading it. 

I'm more then half way through and keep getting drawn back to the element of the lead's sort of affair with her overseas business partner.  It's almost all done by emails. 

The irony of that is not a bit lost on me.

The book has so far, got me wondering... when do you play it safe and when do you decide to take the big risk?   In other words, when should you follow your head and when should you follow your heart?
{I think that might have even been one of the weekly questions on Sex and the City at one point too?}

Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's the thought that counts part 2

During a short chat with Nura recently, a question was put out there to me about the men in my life.  So to speak.
She asked me if I'd ever given it any thought to the fact that if I've written an ideal man in the past and had him appear in my life, that maybe I'm the product of someone's ideal?
The jaded side of me that has had my heartbroken more times then I can count was starting to brush the idea off with a sarcastic down putting comment; while the romantic and Wiccan side of me was beaming. 

To be honest, I've never let myself think about something like that before.  Now I can't stop thinking about it and wondering.

Love, desire, physical attraction, personality attraction; it's all a cosmic connection that pulls us to certain people without us knowing why.  Unless of course you are like me and have a need to ask these questions.

I'm sure he's out there somewhere, reading this right now having a cup of tea. My Mr. Scratchy. Keep safe wherever you are tonight.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Steam up your windows Part Nine

He stood in the bathroom, his back against the sink, his arms crossed over his chest.  He noticed for the first time that there was a small crack in the third tile of the shower on the far side. He'd have to remember to go to the hardware store. Caleb couldn't hide in the toilet all night even though he was mad as hell at Estelle right now, he knew she'd seen him come in the apartment and would be knocking on the door before long. 

Turning to face his reflection in the mirror he took a deep breath and waited.  The dark haired man felt a pang of sick heat.  At first he thought it was just the beer he'd had but only it wasn't really coming from his stomach as much as it was his chest. His right hand went straight to the area landing flat.  Heartburn, only not the food related kind.  
God, he hated sometimes the fact he loved her.  Splashing cold water on his face Caleb took one more look at himself in the mirror.  He looked tired, down right exhausted.  Opening the bathroom door he shuffled into the bedroom. 

Estelle was sitting on the right side of the bed dressed in her black yoga pants and a grey tee shirt of her favourite sports hero, reading a book. Caleb's eyes darted back and forth as he willed himself to stay calm to not run across the length of the room and grab her; to not kiss her.  
What he did do was shuffle his way to the end of the bed and just flop down on it face first on the left side.  

"How long you been here?"  he hoped he sounded normal. 

"Twenty minutes. Would have waited another ten before calling you or leaving. You went out." The redhead put down her book on the bed her hand going instinctively to his hair.  She loved playing with the short dark spikes and Caleb loved the way her fingertips felt.  Though he'd never admit that in a million years. 

Pulling himself up on his arms, he repositioned himself so that he was laying on the pillow rolling over on his side facing her. Picking up her book he scanned the cover of it wanting to know what she was reading this week.  Some biography about a chef.  He grunted as he leaned over her placing the book carefully on the floor then kissed her. 

Part 10 soon

Thursday, December 1, 2011

When frenemies are all you have

Ever watch a movie and end up getting a light bulb moment?
Well, for me it's one of those days.  Few months ago, I was in line at the store and picked up the movie Something Borrowed.  It was the release day for it and a total spur of the moment purchase.  I've barely watched it once the day of with mother. 
Today, while looking for something else completely in my mess of DVDs,  I came across it and decided to watch it.  Now I'm the type of person that likes all the extra stuff on DVDs.  As I was watching the deleted scenes, I thought right off about some of the "best friends"  I've had over the years who were like more like frenemies.

In the movie, Rachel is in love with Dex, her best friend from law school who is now engaged to her best friend Darcy whom she's known her whole life. After a drunken one night stand between Dex and Rachel, truths and jealousy blurs the lines in the lives of everyone. As the story unfolds you learn that Darcy is the classic frenemy.
There is a scene in the film where Rachel admits that she's been unable to gauge when a man is interested in her because of something that Darcy had done when they were 12.

This got me thinking about a few incidents that happened to me over the years with my "friends" and their involvement in my relationships.  There have been too many incidents to list {from one "friend" in high school who told everyone my 12th grade boyfriend was an actor she'd hired to pretend was my boyfriend, to a former friend who found a way to insult my every move.} Like many out there, I took the advice of my friends at the time and now I have to wonder if they were giving me advice because they thought they were helping or if they were just under minding me for their own reasons?

This is also the reason I no longer desire female friends. 

What is it about us as a society that some people feel the need to undermine the happiness of others in such a way as to steal boyfriends/jobs or to keep braking down the spirit of someone they say is their friend?

And why does it seem to happen more to women then men?  Or at lest, if it's happening on a regular basis with men they don't seem to be talking about it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Oh No,Toto

Last night I decided to go out to the lobby of mom's building and try working on the stairs.  As the only thing keeping me from getting home right now is the fact I have a large flight of stairs at my place.  Me and crutches have never been a strong suit.
Beth, one of the ladies who lives in mom's building was coming in with her dog and spotted me.  After informing me how bad the snow was {which by the way as I look out of the window it looks like it barely covers the tip of a shoe} she asked me an odd question.   "What would I do if the man of my dreams came up to me right now?"

Me-:" I would offer him a bowl of cereal and maybe put on the Red Wings game"

Beth-:" But you didn't know it was the man of your dreams.  He shows up in your life and you don't even know at first that it's him. What would you do about it?"

Me-:"But I would know the man of my dreams."

Beth-:"But what would you do about it? Specially if you found out he was married and lived the next town over."

At this point the dog which was one of those purse sized dogs, started to bite at the little ugly doggy sweater she had him in.  I started to sort of giggle which might not have been the best thing to do.

Beth-:"What if you didn't know it was the man of your dreams until it was too late and you had missed your chance? Would you do anything? Since you didn't realize it when you were young enough to do something or would you wait around and see how things felt?"

The dog started to bite at her thumb at that point from where she was holding him.  And I was thinking oh-no-Toto-we're-not-in-what-if-my-life-anymore. 
Clearly something had happened to make Beth think about a lost love.  So this meant I wasn't the only broken thing at the bottom of the stairs.

She kept waiting for some answer that I just could not give her.  She mumbled something to the dog to get him to stop the biting and then just waited for a few seconds before asking me what the crutches were for.

Beth-:"Aw that's too bad. I've got to get in and feed him. But while you're here you should come over one night I've got a big flat screen we can watch Gone with the Wind.  I love that movie, and when I saw it at the store I had to buy it. And watch out for that new guy who moved in upstairs with the part in his hair.  He killed his wife he got out of prison and they put him here. Lock your mom's door make sure if you hear anything you call the cops right away.  Why they put the cameras in here."   she pointed to the secerty cameras that were in the lobby and hallways which have been there for over two years. 

By that time, I gave up on practicing the stairs cause my foot was swollen. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I suffer from insomnia.  Tonight it seems to be worse then normal. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that someone is about to come into my life.
I'm hoping it's Mr. Scratchy, or at the very lest a wrestler.  

And why do I feel that someone is about to come into my life you are thinking?  Because of a dream I had the other night where I was sitting at a table with three other people.  One of which was a very tall man who seemed to in the dream be interested in me.  And if you've been paying attention to this blog at all over the course of things, then you know I believe in omens.

So this is playing on my mind tonight as I sit here unable to sleep and wishing that a certain someone was sitting here with me sharing this conversation over tea. 
But he's not. 

He is I think, sitting right now in front of his computer as he reads this dressed in those plaid pajamas again, drinking a bottled water and shaking his head at me once again.  Maybe his buddy is leaning over his shoulder giggling and saying "awww. Email her"  or he might be saying "you're right dude, that's is freaky" cause I was bang right on about them hanging around reading this blog.

Okay Mr. Scratchy, until next time.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Do you know where your friends are?

"Oh my god. It's a dating site"

Walsh laughed for about ten minutes when I said this as he looked over my shoulder.   I had decided to check emails yesterday while mom was in the shower.  There was one from my buddy the Musician, asking me to join some social network style thing.  Only, it wasn't a Facebook or Myspace it was a dating site.  I thought I'd put that in the past. 

Walsh-:"Thought you two weren't hanging around anymore?"   He put down the milk that mom had asked him to deliver since I am still on crutches.

Me-: "Haven't heard from him since the summer.  Well, I am guessing that that means he's still single too. "

Walsh picked up the newspaper and shook it at me. "You should be doing this.  Their food writer is a moron."

Me-: "Rather do the movie reviews or something.  Besides, they don't pay for their fluff articles and they butcher everything you submit.  I submitted to them in the past. Don't ask. So when did our lives turn into something we didn't want?"

Walsh shrugged with that blush he always does. "I'm happy.  Wish I could get a new truck but that's about it. Why?"

Me-: "Still sort of waiting to see if my real life will kick in.  Always pictured myself married long by now traveling and writing, having gallery showings of my art.  But yet..."

My cousin shrugged again and said he needed to go get the kids from school. "It will all come together when you relax a bit. "

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Do we know our own hearts?

While I have been stuck here at my mother's I ran out of my own books to read and ended up digging through her stack of already read books.
I ended up picking up a romance novel by Debbie Macomber called "Married in Seattle". 
It was two short stories about being set up and finding love where you wouldn't think you would. 

And this is the part where I say it got me thinking.  Partly about my own life and part about this manuscript I wrote way back a decade ago. 
That was the first time I had written anything, that I could see being the one novel that made it.  I still think it surpasses anything I've written to date as far as plot and character goes.  I still think someday down the line it will be in my published works.

I'm sitting here in what can be considered too late for middle of the night and too early for morning.  That weird inbetween time.  And I am thinking about everything that matters to me and the things I want to change.  What are my biggest dreams, my biggest goals, my biggest love?
It's always been the same for as long as I can remember.   To be married to the right guy, to be loved and cherished.  Even the coldest of hearts wants that.  Love at first sight, strength in knowing you chose wisely even after a heartbreak.

As I read over what I just posted, I realize to some this might sound like a random ramble but in the end I also know, the right guy will get the message until then, I guess it's twilight time.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Stolen Moments

I was watching an episode this morning of  Lipstick Jungle, when I started thinking about this past week.   The episode was from season one and was where Victory Ford looses her business and has to start over and ends up chasing down an old hat.  The character kept pointing out that she wasn't at her peak anymore creativly and had to find something from her past to grab onto.

It fits right in with the planet shifts right now, as there are a few lined up to make people rethink a few things in their lives and fix them. 

If you've read the last few posts, you know that I am basically grounded with a broken foot. So, while I have been grounded so to speak, I had a short chat with G-Babbs yesterday.
She pointed a few things out to me that I hadn't thought of, or didn't realize.   One was about bumping into my ex at the hospital.  I needed to know I wouldn't shatter into a million pieces if I ever saw him again.  And I didn't, might have thought I would but didn't. She also pointed out the fact that him looking at me the way he did meant he'd have something on his end to be sorting out. 
Given the fact everyone has over the years screwed up their face and said the same thing about him - that he's a major player and I should not waste my time on him - every time his name was mentioned, makes me believe he hasn't changed at all. 
I know that I am better off without him, that there is someone a million times better for me coming.
G-Babbs also told me to listen to my instincts.  Poked her finger in my chest actually really hard when she said it too.  Ironically, I was sitting here the other night after mother had gone to bed and given up the computer for the night, and was about to post something on here but stopped.
My 4th Chakra was active.   That would be the heart chakra.  And the unexplainable vibe that someone was sad came over me.   I am not sure I should say who popped into my mind for that few minutes, but I will say the last time I felt that on my own end was a year and a half ago; when I stopped writing.

I'm not going to give you a lesson in the Chakras, there is no point for the random readers of this blog. But I need to point out that when my ex left me 7 years ago, my 2nd chakra was ... disrupted.  That is the spleen chakra.  Okay, so this is turning into a small lesson on them. 
When we connect with others, be it as friends, lovers etc; each chakra connects too.  It's a wicca thing.

When I started this blog just over a year ago, I had it in my mind to be all about finding love.  I thought for the longest time that the blog was a failure because I wasn't finding the man of my dreams. 

And with that, I'll wrap up this very long post right now .  It will make sense to the right man...I'm sure of it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dirty Laundry 9

"Well your sister has always been a bit of a bitch."  Walsh said quietly.  Mom was going to see my youngest cousin in a school play and Walsh came to give her a ride.  I told him about the other night and having bumped into my ex at the hospital.  He just shrugged. "Oh and let me know if you get any emails telling you to stop kicking walls." 

I didn't get a chance to reply on that as mom walked out of the bathroom and they left.  This means I have an hour all to myself to check emails and post on here. 
I would have loved to have had the brains to say something cute and witty to Walsh about how any wall kicking notes would be more likely to include how to properly perform an enzuigiri or a spinning heel kick, but I'm just not with it right now. 

I just hope everyone else is safe tonight.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Random 11/15/2011

Why is it you always bump into the one who ripped your heart to shreds when you are at your worst?

It happened to me few hours ago.  I broke my foot this afternoon and ended up sitting in the emergency for hours.
There I was, sitting in a wheelchair not showered, hair a mess, swollen eyes from crying, foot the size of a watermelon, and there he was.  Standing across the room waiting in line to check in.  And he spotted me right off.   Our eyes locked for a breif few seconds.
I am not going to lie, my breath caught in my thoat much like it had 8 years ago the very first time I'd ever seen him.

Then this short chick with long red dyed hair and a toddler came up to him. 

Wow.  Wow. My brain shut down for a moment while I sat there unable to run away.  Then they walked past me on their way to some exam room.  
He looked pretty much the same except for having gained a 50pound beer gut.  He oddly enough kept eye contact with me til he was only a foot away, then he turned his eyes from me and looked at the floor.
By that point, my eyes were locked on the little boy his girlfriend/wife was carrying.  All I could think was had I not lost our baby ... and then I did the math.  That little boy was around 7 years old. 

And then, I was okay.  Well, I still have a broken foot and ended up in a massive fight with my sister, but, as far as my ex goes,  I was good. 

My next round of thoughts were about Mr. Scratchy and my wrestlers.  I wondered how they were all doing since last night was a ppv and they'd be taping tonight.
And something hit me.  The qoute about how when two people are destined to be together they will be unable to avoid each other, how they will keep popping up in each other's lives.    My ex and I were never fully meant to be together because in the 7 years since he cheated and left me; we've been living in the same city -a small city at that- and never bumped into each other. 

P.S.  to The Celebrity...well I have nothing to say really, just wanted to let you know I thought about you.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Modern Fairy Tales

I've been enjoying a few new shows on television the last month, Once Upon A Time and Grimm both have put a new spin on traditional fairy tales.

Once Upon A Time,  has a storyline going on right now about Snow White and Prince Charming and how they keep ending up in each others' lives.  It's a classic comment on the idea that when two people are destined to be together they can not avoid each other. It also lends to my own belief in the soulmate idea.  Love at first sight, a knowing when you've met the one person you are meant to be with. 

I think it might also be one of the main reasons I ended up becoming hooked on Charmed this last few months once I actually watched a few episodes.
The idea that love is the only thing worth fighting for. Sometimes to the point you become terrified if you loose.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Random Friday 11/11/11

One of the most powerful dates in the century.

Tonight, as I was standing in line at the store; the right side of  my face started to itch.  This was just before 7pm, and I know this because as I stood there scratching trying not to spill my tea, I checked the clock as the line was not moving much.  
I had made the mistake of going into the corner store totally forgetting it was lotto night.  The lines were brutal to say the lest.
When I got home, I checked my emails and hit the blog stats, etc.  I noticed that there was a hit just before 7pm {EST} which would have been the same time I was standing in line at the store scratching like a lunatic. 

Seems, Mr. Scratchy; that we missed each other by about 10 minutes this evening. 

Since it is a Friday night, I am guessing you are either reading this just before you go out for the night, or very possibly reading this after you've been out.   Maybe while you are winding down with a coffee or something, and having just changed for sleep. 

Well, anyways, I guess I'll just say night, and if by chance you are commuting for work this weekend, I'll say be careful, specially if you have to fly. 
Maybe one of these days you'll let me know if I've been right about the last two blog posts {mostly want to know if I am right about the glasses and the painting}

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Meanwhile, somewhere out there 2

There is a guy reading this blog post totally exhausted from his day.

Tonight, I think he is dressed in shorts... no, make that black track pants and a tee shirt, that has a faded logo on it from a hockey team. He's just gotten back from working out and has a pile of something to read... Mr. Scratchy training to be a professor?... no that doesn't feel right does it {seriously I have no idea just can't shake the vibe of him sitting with a stack of pages in front of him} once again pushing up the wire rimmed glasses that I think he wears.
There is a large bottle of water beside him on his desk, and an empty box of ... m&ms... {I think he likes the peanut flavour}  And once again he's shaking his head at me smirking like a sex symbol, rubbing both hands over his face.   And Mr. Scratchy has playing behind him on his iPod or stereo or however he plays his cds... a mixed playlist from the 70's.  

And now he's either laughing his ass off at me for doing this little romanticized blog post or calling his buddy in total fear, because I was bang on right.
Either way, I hope you're having a brilliant night.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Meanwhile, somewhere out there

There is a man sitting right now somewhere on this planet, reading this blog post. 

He's most likely pushing up his wire rimmed glasses {there is this vibe that makes me feel he wears glasses} taking a large gulp of tea, and scratching his right side like mad. 
Somewhere on this earth Mr. Scratchy sits, smirking like a sex symbol his eyes sparkling with mischief.  I'm betting he's dressed in a pair of comfy striped grey ... no, red plaid patterned pajama bottoms {don't ask why I just think it} and a grey shirt... maybe one that has a faded print of... the Ramones on it {again don't ask why I think my Mr. Scratchy is a Ramones fan, I just do.  Could be because every man I've ever known ever ever has been??} 
He's reading this shaking his head at me, most likely thinking similar things about me. {figuring what I might have been wearing when writing this and what I might have been drinking etc} 

And that man is now either laughing his ass off at me and my romantic notions of him, or he's totally freaked out and ready to run screaming for the hills because I was bang on right about what he was wearing.  Sorry hon, if I scared you.

And when he's finished reading this post tonight, he's most likely either going to work on an art project {I can not shake the vibe that he's an artist. Painter perhaps? }  or tell his buddies how freaky weird my description of him was because it was bang on right.   Then maybe he'll go to the kitchen and make himself something ... from the freezer like a frozen pizza because... against my biggest hopes I don't think Mr. Scratchy can cook... let me rephrase that, I don't think he has an interest in cooking. 

Oh well, I suppose even the best fantasy man needs one flaw.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Price Check 2

Been a crazy couple of days.
Had to go with mother to a way too early doctor's appointment, she had some tests this morning. After I got her back home, had to pick up stuff at the grocery.

So I walk in and see that Storm is chatting away to someone and he's standing right in front of where I needed to get, not moving, but his left hand was at his hair.   I nearly broke out in a mad fit of laughter, he'd gone and cut it.  
After having been just so happy about how it looked only a few days ago, he turned around and nearly had it shaved off.   That to me is a hairdo.

Fast forward to about an hour ago as I was leaving mom's building.  Jackie, one of the ladies who lives in the apartment across the hall from mom was on her way home from bingo.  Spotting me leaving, she told me to make sure my coat was done up as the winds had started to pick up.  Then she looked at me and said out of nowhere "Never mind, doesn't look like your buttons will do anything but pop if you try. I was going to say something to you the other day when I saw you about how much weight you've gained it's why you don't have a husband. "   then she pointed to my mother's door and continued. "My door is beside the kitchen. I can smell when you're baking, says to myself that you're at it again.  All those cookies bring me some next time and maybe you'll save yourself from turning into humpty dumpty like your mother." 

All I can say is that is my fear laid on the chopping block

Friday, November 4, 2011

Pillow Talk

In season 2 of Sex and the City, in the episode called The Awful Truth,  Carrie's question of the week is  "Are there still things in a relationship we should never say?"

The character of Miranda is dating a guy who wants to talk dirty the whole time they have sex but she can't talk back to him and Samantha is unable to tell her boyfriend that his dick is too small. 

I read somewhere, that 95% of conversations that couples have in general happen when they are in bed. I also vaguely remember that fact myself from a million years ago when I was in my last relationship.  Everything, naughty or otherwise; was given air time between the sheets. 

Being someone who never seems able to shut up even in the best of times, as I watched this episode today, I started to think about things.  Namely the past conversations with past boyfriends/lovers.  I've had more long distance/online romances then anyone I know, and have always found it fairly easy to talk dirty.
It's the other stuff in relationships that are difficult to talk about. The serious stuff.   That, I find grips me in a fear like nothing else.

In this day and age, have we become too easily intimate without really becoming truly intimate?  If so, is there ever a way to fix it or are we just doomed to be half way honest?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Middle of the night

I'm wake and it's just after 3:30am here.  I've been awake for the last hour.  Something is bothering me, I have not seen anything of The Celebrity in months. 

Why hasn't he been on the show or pay-per-views lately?  Odd thing to be thinking about at 3:30 in the morning when you can't sleep.

I guess it's that alone factor. You know when you wake up in the semi-darkness reach over and find the other side of the bed cold because you are alone.  You tend to let your mind drift to your daily tasks as reality seeps into your eyeballs.  That's when the totally odd out of place things slip in, right between take out the garbage and remember to call the dentist. 

The Celebrity.  God, I miss him. Well, as much as you can miss someone you've never talked to directly anyways.  I still don't understand why the company blog stopped posting the stuff him and The Other Guy were writing every week?  It was funny stuff most the time.
Okay, so now I am rambling and getting sappy. 

I'm tempted to tell him to drop me a line, but that never works.
Which you know is too bad as I just learned a new cookie recipe.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Price check

Seems the silence is over.

I was walking into the grocery when Storm spotted me.  He was near the first row of checkouts working on a display of mangoes.  He smiled and waved then just stopped what he was doing so I went over to where he was and noticed his hair is about two inches longer falling around his collar. 

Yes, I commented on the length of his hair and he in turned commented on the fact mine is growing out.  Ironically, I was thinking this morning it's time for a cut and maybe a colour but just did not have the time today.

He was beaming about his hair, like the length was a good thing or something.  I didn't have the heart then to point out I don't like long hair.  Seriously, there are only two men on the planet I think look good with long hair, rock star Nikki Sixx and The Beer-Cowboy in the wrestling company I love. 

Anyways, then he made the statement that I look different.  My reply, that it's the fifteen pounds I've put on the last few months. 

Storm-: "No. You just... you look different. You look good though."    he said this as he took a step back and started to pull his pants up tucking in his shirt, which by the way was not messed up nor needing to be tucked in.  "You look really good." 

And that was it.  End of conversation as I needed to be somewhere and he had to get back to the display.

Just when I think all is lost on him, he pops up.  I'm as confused as ever.  All I know is that I really hate his hair.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Random Friday 10/28 2011

My brother in law's mom is in town and my sister is in hell.
Whenever she's around, my brother in law is like a two year old child hanging onto his mom's side.

What is it about families that drives us insane?  We are constantly in search of them. Does not matter if we are trying to build one with our mates, or if we fall naturally into them with our friends/co-workers, family is something everyone wants.

I'm no exception.  I keep waiting for the right people to fall into my life.  So far, it's all been crap.

If you've been reading this blog with any regularity then you know I spend my days at my mother's for a bounty of reasons.  One of those is her health is bad.
As much as I bitch about my mother and dislike-distrust the way things are with her; I have to admit when she goes I'll be lost.

I have been thinking about this a lot as of late.  My sister will have her husband and his kids, I will have no one.  Zero, none, totally by myself.

Damn, that is depressing. 

I can only keep the faith that the right guy will come into my life before that happens.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The one who got away

I came across an email from last year this time that I had forgotten about.
It was a horoscope reading I had done for the year.   In it, it talked about there being a man coming into my life in early January (2011) who would interfere with me getting together with the one I'm suppose to be with. It continued to say that I needed to avoid this man until middle of September (2011)

As I look back over things, I see that Storm started talking to me back in January and ironically, stopped talking to me middle of September.
Has my semi-crush on him destroyed my future? Did me putting energy into that whatever it was, take away from the energy I was suppose to be putting into finding Mr. Scratchy?

I may never know.
The really odd thing is, that type of horoscope reading is not something I would have normally forgotten.  It's the type of thing in the past I would have opened and read every single day and lived in total fear of meeting the wrong guy.

As far as life as the grocery goes,  Zane has gone off to university full time; I haven't seen him at the store at all in the last month.   Conrad hasn't been on shift either, I have no idea what happened to him. The Drama Queen, I bumped into her yesterday when she was on her break and I was coming back from the liquor store {I needed a cocktail} and her only topic was her husband having to work late.

Then there is Storm. 
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still hurt about the fact he's ignoring me.   I have no idea what the situation is, but I'm wondering if maybe he's dating someone again?
And I'm still not sure I even really ever liked him. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dirty Laundry 8

After the comment the other week about how my magick is in my writing, I decided to sit down and try writing what I thought was the perfect man.

It sounded like The Celebrity.  The physical description sounded like The Celebrity.

Okay, so I think physically The Celebrity is perfect.

I also can not argue on the fact that Mr. Scratchy is nowhere to be found.  He's not here beside me, he has not come out and said who he is or where he is, nor has he even contacted me.
I feel like I am waiting around for a ghost. There is just this part of me that feels like I already belong to someone.  Like I am waiting to hear keys in the door every night.

Plus, I can not seem to shake this nagging feeling that over in company #1, the Tattooed Anarchist reads me. Just something that was said by him got me wondering.
Come to think of it, the Tattooed Anarchist could be damn well considered perfect physically too.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Mindless Monday 10/24

Debbie, one of the ladies who lives in my mother's building, does tarot readings.  She was outside with a group of the other smokers today when I was leaving the building.  
She pulled me to the side and simply said  "What you are waiting for will be here soon. You'll get your letter... two letters. One's got something to do with real estate the other... relationship."

It's no secret about me being single nor about me looking for a new place to live.  Then she made a comment that sort of threw me for a bit of a loop,  she commented on me "getting back to the job I was doing."

I hadn't said anything to any of the ladies around mom's building about my failing career, nor has my mother as she does not hang out with any of them.
This does come at an odd moment, as I've been debating for the past week on what direction I need to go in my writing.  I had thought about the idea of doing a column for the local newspaper but ended up changing my mind.

There is a line in an episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie comments on how in New York, everyone is always looking for one of three things,  a place to live, a relationship and a career, and that she's found two out of three.   
I, it would seem, am looking at the moment for all three. 

I've been putting off the tarot reading I agreed to have her do for me for the last two weeks because it's sort of out of my price range right now, but this little nugget today has got me wondering. 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Three's a crowd

"I feel like I'm cheating."

Me-:" That's because you are cheating."  I pointed out to Bonnie. Okay with maybe just a bit too much disgust in my voice.

Bonnie-: "I'm not cheating, he's cheating. I'm just the f**k buddy." She waved her way too pink nails in my face.   

We had bumped into each other when I went to drop a book off at my sister's. Bonnie had been coming from the laundromat which was at the end of the street and spotted me. It's been months since I've seen Bonnie.

Me-: "Okay then splitting hairs honey. So why are you involved with him if you know he's in a relationship?"

Her mouth fell open and she blushed at me slapping her hands to her thighs then said  "I knew you'd be all like that! I knew it. Darling, okay it's complicated."

Me-: "Did you know when you met him that he wasn't available?"

Bonnie- : "Don't hit me. Yes but it's complicated."

Me-: "Catch phrase of the decade. How'd you meet him?"

Bonnie- :"At daycare. He's got a two year old and our kids play together sometimes. His girlfriend won't give him blow jobs, like ever."

Me-: "This was a pity job?"  I was laughing at this point even though it's not funny.

Bonnie- :"Me likey. But I feel bad a bit because I met his girlfriend like a month ago when she picked the kids up from my place after a play date. I think she's figured it out."

Me-: "Well, at lest you finally found a straight guy."

This caused Bonnie to burst out laughing because she's got a trail of past relationships with gay men who haven't come out yet. {go here}

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Win a date

In the movie Coyote Ugly,  there are a few scenes where the lead character puts her boyfriend and her dad up for as a prize to the highest bidder.

I was joking around recently about this idea with Pattie, one of the ladies who lives in my mom's building;  who thought it would be a great idea if I offered myself up as a prize in some sort of contest.  The scary part is, she was serious.

I've said over the years that if any man can correctly answer my "compatibility test"  I would marry him. So far, no one has. Given the men I seem to meet that might be a blessing in disguise.

Pattie also suggested that I should take my ass back to the dating sites.  So I did for about an hour tonight.  It got me wondering about how different it really is between selling yourself on a dating site to listing yourself as a prize?

Your being packaged in both situations, only in one you are right there for everyone to see in the flesh and are able to see in real time who's rejecting you and the other is all done from behind a computer screen.   Not sure which is actually better?

Everyone wants to be adored and desired, it's part of what drives us to do whatever it is we do in life.  But no one wants to ever be rejected.
I can not see myself sticking around much on the dating site.  I've tried it in the past and found it useless. I know the man for me is not going to be hanging around a dating site.
As far as setting myself as a "prize in a contest"  unless I suddenly turn into a wrestling title belt, I am not sure I'd want to be.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Staying put

G-Babbs was coming into the lobby of mom's building tonight as I was leaving. We started talking about random nothings,  one of which was that she'd bumped into Storm and wanted to let me know.
She then told me about the son of one of the ladies who has just moved in two buildings away; who happens to be a pilot.
She told me this a second time leaning forward speaking louder as if I had not heard her.  I know she's thinking of playing matchmaker but the last thing I want is a guy who is never home. {and why do I have a thing for wrestlers then you might be asking?}

The city has a great aviation school here which is part of the college and I've seen a few of the guys taking the course.
Not going to lie, there are a nice batch of very cute guys all studying to be pilots.  I know it does it for some women out there.  Just not me. 

P.S. To The Celebrity, there is this great song on the  SixxAM  cd  This is Gonna Hurt   called "Are You With Me".  Something tells me you might dig it.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It's the thought that counts

A friend of Nura's once said to me that my magick was in my writing.  I thought he was being cheeky, but now I have to wonder.

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I wrote the same guy all the time in my novels and poems and short stories. 
One day he popped into my life.  Right down to the brand of cigarettes he smoked.  Just as if he had come out of the pages of my writing.  That was my ex.

After him, I started to write a new hero.  A guy who showed up in my life not too long afterward.  Once again, it was as if the perfect man had been waiting to spring from the pages of my writing.

Since 2005, I've been writing about The Celebrity, The Other Guy, the DoubleStarr, and a bunch of wrestlers.  They have been the centerpoints for all my lead characters.

If Nura and her friend are right, have I counteracted my own strength?  Have I kept my next relationship from "popping off my page into my world"  because I have stopped creating from my mind and have been creating around someone ?  Or have I saved myself from another disaster of a relationship because of it?  

If it's truly the thought that counts, can I get my Mr. Scratchy back?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

An Oral Contract

So I just read this article on the connection of oral sex and throat cancer.

The article compared giving head to smoking in the risk factors for getting throat cancer.  The reader comments on the site were split as to what they thought about the article, mixed with the usual rude jokes.

This is not the first time I've come across an article like this.  The main idea of the articles I keep coming across, seems to be pointing out more then anything,  the rise in the number of teens/twentysomethings who are opting for oral over intercourse.  The reason the teens/twentysomethings gave when asked why they are having more oral sex was that they believed it was safer.

But that's not the case. 

As everyone knows, it's very easy to say "use a condom" every single time you have any form of sex; but not always so easy to do so. 

The article has got me wondering if we have become too careless in general when it comes to sex?

Friday, October 14, 2011

A break up album?

There is a soundtrack to everything someone does.  Either a bit of music that just seems to fit with a certain part of your life right when you need it, or a fabulous playlist of songs you've made yourself.

In this case, I think I found a cd for surviving a break up.   Like A Man  by Adam Cohen.
It's clear by the theme going on with this cd that the artist was going through a major life change romantically speaking. 

I'm sort of hooked on the song "What Other Guy"  as well as "Out Of Bed" and "Matchbox"

All I have to say about this cd is that's a love letter.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thursday Random 10/13

I was cleaning up from dinner at mom's, when I saw the local news come on. I nearly dropped the dishes I had in my hand.
One of my ex-boyfriends was on camera holding a microphone.  It looks as if he's a new reporter.

That makes four of my exes that have ended up working at the local media.   One at the radio station, one at the newspaper and two at the television station.

It's like I am a magnet for the media but not able to boost my own career.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Roses are red Violets are blue

Dear Blog Readers:

We are two weeks away from this blog's first year anniversary.   Beautiful word, anniversary. If you've been reading for any length of time you know that this blog has not stayed the course I had planned for it. 

But that's the good news.  Because that means I've done a bit of growing in the time that I've been adding to this blog. 

I sit here now, running late which I seem to do at lest once a week; wondering what the next year of this blog will look like?
It seems Mr. Scratchy has abandoned me almost completely.  Yes the scratching has nearly stopped altogether since I posted something few weeks ago.  It could be his life has taken a new turn too, or that on my end I'm not thinking of my wrestlers the way I used to? 

What I have been thinking about has been the wicca side of things.  Cringe if you must, but many of you know that my spiritual side has been a strong element on this blog. It's a big part of what makes me me.

I also never in a million years thought I'd ever become a fan of Charmed.  But, I have.

The original idea for this blog was to write about my love life, about my dating adventures and all the mess that comes with it, with the idea that it would be a record of me landing the right relationship. 
Well that didn't really end up working out now did it. 

I didn't even meet one guy when I went on my trip earlier in the month. Not one. But I did write.  I finally found the peace that I've been needing to write.  Filled half a notebook with the first half of a story.

I was ironically talking to G-Babbs last night for a few minutes when I bumped into her walking her dog.  She wanted to know what the deal with me and Storm was?   I still have no answer on that. One day he's squeezing my shoulder flirting up, a well storm, the next he's ignoring me to the point of walking away when I enter the room.  Been like that for weeks.

I have no idea where the next year will lead me, but I hope it's to a decent relationship!

Love Darling

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dirty Laundry part 7

It was the holiday weekend here in Canada, Thanksgiving.  My family was doing it's usual eat and run with everyone stopping in and out all day yesterday.
Mom had been at one of my Aunt's for a brunch earlier in the day and could talk about nothing but my one cousin.  The cousin had just gotten out of the hospital.
The topic was not her being sick, but her "new man".

Mom -: "You should see the guy she's with now. If you want to call him that. He's the same age as her dad and looks it."

Me- :"Let me guess, she met him at the bar?"

Mom-: "He's a cab driver.  She met him coming home from the bar. I don't even want to get into it, just know that your Uncle is not happy with the whole thing. Disgusted is more the word, but she's 30 years old and grown woman if you want to call her that."

Me-: "I just don't get it you know. Uncle is what 66? And she's dating someone his age?"

Mom-: "And she's looking yellow.  That's cause she's sick drinking herself in and out of the hospital. What does a man his age want with someone like her? Well, we know what he wants.  But you know what I mean."


Mom-: "Sad thing all this. She needs to grow up, all this drinking and it's your Aunt I feel sorry for."

Me-: "Understandable."

Mom-: "Makes your obsession with skunky not so bad."  {mom laughed like a mad witch} "At lest he's is not bad looking. I guess I am lucky that you're only real addiction is wrestling. At lest I know I don't have to worry about getting a call saying you died from watching tv or anything. You're Aunt lives in constant fear of getting a call from someone saying that your cousin is dead somewhere from an overdose.  what?"

Me-: "That's oddly enough the nicest thing I've heard you say in I can't remember when. The comment about my taste in men not being bad I mean."

Mom-: "Well. "{she shrugged} "He is cute. Just he's no Johnny Boy"  {mom's got a thing for John Cena}

Sunday, October 9, 2011

SATC in the News

Okay, just a bit of a detour here...

We know that Candace Bushnell wrote two new novels in the last two years based on the SATC characters.   I personally loved those books, and looking extremely forward to the next two in this spin off -prequel series.

Rumours have been flying for over a year about a movie being made out of the books.  Fans have weighted in on the pros and cons of it.
Myself, I have gone back and forth in how could they manage to pull it off and still have it fit into the mythos of the show given the books re-write the show's history in places?

I stumbled across an article stating that the young adult novels would be turned into a tv show for this coming year.

How will that work?  Will the die hard tv fans follow?  Will it open up a new fan base of younger girls? Or will it destroy the beloved characters?

I'm sort of on the fence.  As I said, I loved the books in the series, but not sure how I feel about an entire new "sex and the city"  world. 

And is this the hold up on SATC 3?  Because of the new show will it hex any chance of us fans getting a 3rd movie?

I am interested however, in another new Bushnell book to television production in One Fifth Avenue.  When I read that novel back few years ago, I could not put it down.  Again, I must admit, it weaved in elements of SATC as underlined insider jokes.

So this is just something to think about this morning.  Will be interesting to see what they are going to do with it all.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Random Friday Oct 7

I had a short chat with my cousin Walsh tonight as he was dropping his younger sister off at my mom's to babysit.
In passing, I had mentioned the short trip I took out of town last week.  Bit of a mistake on my part. He asked me why I took my trip last week to the city I did instead of going this weekend to Quebec?
Knowing that the wrestling was going to be there this week.

My answer was that I simply do not want to meet The Celebrity as a fan.  Plan and simple.  I would like to meet him in a random place like a coffee shop or something, just randomly.  The idea of meeting him as a fan just feels wrong.

I think I shocked Walsh which is hard to do.  He sort of rocked back on his heels his eyes wide looking at me like a dead fish.

Then he asked if there was any news on my Mr. Scratchy?   Sadly, no there isn't.  And in the last week my scratching has been less then I've been used to. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What's taking so long?

I was at my mother's getting supper when my aunt called from out of town.  This would be my mom's sister.
Less then two minutes into the conversation my mother started to hackle like a crazy person and held the phone from her ear pointing towards me.  My aunt wanted to say something to me.

Aunt E.S.-: "Why haven't you found yourself a man yet?"

Me-: "You come here and find me one. Nothing here but single dads."

Aunt E.S.- :"So? Long as he's rich what does it matter?"

Me-: "Besides, I like Irish guys, none of that here." 

My aunt went on for a few moments berating me for not being married, pointing out that all my younger cousins and sister are. Then threw in "you're loosing time getting too old."

My mistake was making the comment about my aunt having been married 3 times herself, and that I didn't want to rush into the same mistake her and a few other of the female family members have made by marrying the first guy who remembered my name.

Didn't go over very well. 

And this is why none of the marriages in my family other then my grandparents has ever lasted, everyone has the attitude that you need to marry a wealth guy. 
My grandparents married without money, and during the time they did, there was no hope of money. 

Maybe I am crazy to want a guy who I know will stick around when the chips are down and who knows I will stick around even if we're totally penniless.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

That's May Street for you

I was on the city bus this afternoon, and when I looked out the window, I saw these two people walking down the street.   At first it looked like the woman was dragging the guy by his belt, but I realized that was not the case.
She was elbow deep in his pants giving him a handjob as they walked down the main street at 2pm in front of children.
I am going to hope that she was a hooker and not just some crazy chick.  Though you would think a hooker would have more sense then to do their job out in the open in front of kids? 
But then again the hookers in this city are not of the best class from what I've seen.

I understand the thrill of taking the chance of having sex in a public place, but out in the middle of the day on a main street when there are kids running around, just makes me cringe.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


My phone rang last night with a number I didn't know.   Normally I wouldn't answer it, but I'd just bumped into Storm a few minutes before at the grocery and was hoping it was him. 

It was not.  
It was a family member I have never even met and he was informing me that he's getting married.  I was more then upset that my mother handed out my phone number and then lied to me about it, but that's another thing for another time.

Ironically, the themes on all the shows/movies I've seen this week have been weddings.  One mistake I made was watching an episode of Charmed with mother. It was about weddings and Handfastings.   My mistake was not the actual show but the comment I made without thinking about how Handfastings are older traditions then religious weddings. 

Trust me when I say it started a small riot from my mother who holds a legal church wedding as the highest form of status.

People seem to forget that before there were these big fat weddings, or even justice of the piece or anything of the like; there were unions done simply by deciding to be committed to each other.  Handfastings, being older then other social identifying "weddings" {jumping the broom is as old} may not be legal in some places, but still as binding; maybe even more so as it's seen as a spiritual commitment.

I am mentioning all this because the whole issue is still a buzz in my family tonight.  I can't seem to escape it.   And no I am not going to his wedding.

I believe in marriage, not so much on big fat weddings.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Zaniness of it Part 5

On my way home from mother's tonight, stopped in at the grocery for a few minutes.  Decided to go through Zane's check out because it's express.
Jammed to the gills with people.

He smiled really big at me when he saw me and asked how everything was. Told him fine, and noticing his hair had started to grow back in.
He replied that he wasn't sure if he was going to keep up the mohawk or not.  Then I asked where his glasses were?
He blushed telling me that he's always in a rush in the mornings and has forgotten them a bunch of times, pointing to one of the ladies who works the next tile, he then told me he can't see anyone.
My reply, "might be a good thing."

He blushed again as I told him I happened to really like the glasses {no I did not tell him I generally melt for men in glasses that would be too much for the poor boy}
He blushed again saying he liked hearing things like that.  I sort of shook my head cause I know we had a similar conversation about that awhile back when he first got them.

Zane-: "You're bleeding."  he pointed to my arm.

Me-: "Yeah, Mr. Scr... I had a bit of a scratching issue little while ago."   {right like Zane needs to know about my Mr. Scratchy} 

Zane-: "Take care of that."  he was still blushing when he handed me my bill. 

That is the most relaxed he's been around me in two years.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When it's Right

I was watching the episode  "One" of Sex and the City {end of season five -beginning of season 6} which is the episode where Miranda tells Steve that she loves him after years of not being able to say "I love you"  to anyone.

This is one of the episodes that makes me cry every single time I see it because I've yet to be able to say "I love you" to anyone I've ever had in my life.

There was a line in the episode  where Miranda confesses to Carrie that she always thought it would be easy to say I love you to the right guy, thinking that when she knew who he was it would just pop out of her mouth.
In the end it does, but it takes a long while for it to happen.

On the weekend, {Saturday} I had posted a short few sentences on my main blog with the promise of doing a follow up the next day.  My right hand and arm were itchier then they have been in weeks.
My Mr. Scratchy was thinking about me from shortly after I posted on Saturday night, till about ten minutes after I did the follow up post on Sunday night.

Obviously he was thinking about me.  He was, it seemed; extremely interested in what I had to say in regards to those two posts.  Dare I even say the itch factor was total-non-stop during that time frame.

This indeed would seem to narrow down even farther whom my Mr. Scratchy is.

In the case of the blog posts he was waiting for, I hope I did not disappoint him. But something tells me that I just didn't say what he might have hoped I would say in those two particular posts.

Disappointing people is something no one wants to do, but many of us end up doing a lot.

This is the point where normally I would bring it back to the SATC episode and wrap it all up to make a bit of sense {Miranda disappoints the character Robert whom she had been dating and Steve disappoints the character Debbie whom he'd been dating} but I just can't on this one. 

I guess I would get a big X on this "One" SATC connection post.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hug me

The phrase "emotional roller coaster" has been popping up everywhere today.

It's one of those days where a hug would be the perfect ending to a stressful day.  Only, there's nobody here to get that hug from.
It's been proven by science, by doctors, by therapists, by advice columnists, by kids on the playground that something as simple as a hug does the body and spirit good. 

I had planned on coming in here and posting about an episode from Sex and the City  but changed my mind {may post about it later} because my mind keeps wandering. Simple as that. 
It keeps wandering to the last time I got a hug from somebody.  And I don't mean those fake how you dos from the type of people who like to air kiss so that their make-up doesn't get ruined when they bump into you at the mall either. 
Real caring there for you hugs.  And the sad part is, I can not for the life of me remember the last time I got a hug.

For some of us, as we age we find that human contact is a plentiful thing every time we turn around and for the rest of us, it's as sparse as rain in the desert. 
It's moments like this that has me wondering when there might be a rain shower to ease the suffering?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I don't know how she does it - 2011

This weekend saw the opening of the latest Sarah Jessica Parker film,  I Don't Know How She Does It.  

Plot: Kate is a mother of two, married to a successful man in Boston, juggling a high stress career.  With the help of her best friend who is a single mom and her assistant who never takes a break for anything, Kate has been able to keep her head above water long enough to get a major pitch which would add two more months of travel time to her already  whirlwind schedule. Her marriage starts to suffer, her kids spend more time with the nanny then she ever dreamed they could, her new partner becomes a second husband and her assistant gets pregnant.

This is the woman who brought beloved Carrie Bradshaw to millions on SATC so bets are high that she'd be able to turn another book's lead into movie magic.
I've been waiting for months for this film and decided to go yesterday.  I wish I had just waited, as for some reason there were a group of 8 year old girls in the cinema.  I'll ask before I do anything else,  how does a group of 8 year olds get into a movie without a parent for starters and into a movie that is not G rated? 

The movie played a bit like a Sunday night movie of the week. The jokes were all used for the trailer and it didn't have the kind of punch I was expecting.
It does however, address the question of how far are we willing to go before we say enough.  The film deals with relationships on all levels, marriage, friendship, business, children and self.

The main "love story" in this film is between the lead and her two business partners; Jack who she spends over half her time with, and Momo her assistant who is about the only one who sees both sides of her life.  In a sense, she becomes "wife and mother" to these two co-workers without really loosing herself in the process.

And if you're wondering what this has to do with this blog other then the Sarah Jessica Parker element; it's the relationships that matter here.  With the way we interact in life right now, most of us have these emotional affairs and non-family-families that we rely on more then we might even realize. {Bridget Jones's Diary made famous the term  Urban Family to describe this}

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If I had an Eric

It was laundry day today.  I was over at mother's, doing her laundry {and threw in a few items of my own} when this lady who moved into the building few months ago, started talking to us while we were sorting towels.

First she asked me how I was.  I told her fine.  Then she turned to my mother and told her that "you have a very pretty daughter."

This is a comment you expect from seniors who are in their 80's etc;  not from a woman who is only in her early 40's.
Nor is this the first time she's said this to my mom or similar to me. 

More than a few times when I've been coming into the building, she's been standing around the lobby just waiting and the second she sees me has come running over to where I am making strange purring sounds.  She's like a stalker in a mild sense.

Is she crazy or just a Lesbian with no straight-dar? 

It got to the point today where I had to mention a guy's name out loud in front of her; in fact butting in to inform my mother that "Eric" had decided to grow a beard.   Ironically mother caught the idea and agreed that "Eric" needs to shave. 
This seemed to do the trick and the stalker-woman stopped complimenting me for the remainder of the time we were getting the laundry. 

Now, if I can just meet a guy that easy.