Queens and Nones

There was a knock on the window just after 8pm last night. My cousin Walsh was there with a tray of take-away coffee. We haven't talked or hung out in months. Figured he was pissed at me or something.  Letting him in the building, he seemed good. Calm.  Handing me one of the coffees he took a seat in the kitchen. Said nothing, just sat there for a few minutes. He noticed a flyer that was half way sticking out of my purse.

Walsh-: "Burlesque dancers and drag queens?" he motioned to it.

Me-:"Yeah uh-huh." I sipped the coffee, it was way too sweet. "Yeah how many sugars did you add to it?"

Walsh-:"Triple triple just like you always have it."

Me-:"Walsh, I don't have sugar in my coffee."   He blinked a few times, this look on his face tears pooling. It hit me, his sister used to take triple in hers. He must have ordered out of habit and hence the drive by coffee-ing. He wasn't here to be here, he was here because he didn't know what else to do.   "Yeah, burlesque dancers and drag queens. I fit right in don't you think?" I was trying to keep the mood light, but it didn't work. He got up went to the bathroom for a few minutes, and I could hear him sniffing a lot. He came back to the kitchen table.

Walsh-:"Can I get a reading?"

Me-:"Reading won't help. It will just come up with all the bad cards because you're thinking about crappy stuff."  He got up walked around my tiny apartment, stopping in front of a photo of our grandparents. It sits on an altar, he disrupted my altar.  I had no idea how to make him feel better? A hug seemed inappropriate. I caught the look he gave my ouija board. Saw him start to grab for one of the little talismans I had sitting beside the incense burner. I'm pretty sure I knew what he was going to ask next. But he didn't. He surprised me, just stood there smiling at everything before putting down the photo again. Then he did what he's always done when things are too heavy, he brought in the silly.

Walsh-:"This cause of the new boyfriend?"  he meant the flyer

Me-:"Don't let him hear you say that. It's the cosmic joke in stereo." 

I've met this guy recently, he's everything I've been looking for in a man. Brown eyes, jet black hair, in his 30's, loves the same music and tv shows and books and movies I do. Vegetarian and a witch. His birth name is even Johnathan. The big kicker is, he's gay. Gayest gay man I've ever met. Heartbreakingly so. The universe is kicking my arse 24/7 with this one. I don't know if the universe is saying here what you're looking for in life exists keep the faith, or if it's telling me to quit while I'm ahead? He keeps inviting me to his drag shows.

Walsh-:"No doubt."

Me-:"It's a witch thing. Seriously, the witchy group in the area are two types, the Wiccan moms and the gay guys. Tell me which one makes more sense for me to hang with?"

He shook his head snorting at me. "I see your theory. You got the one sports channel now right? Like I can watch the one here?" he was scratching at his hand mindlessly searching my bookshelf for the tv remote. "Company #3 is on isn't it?"

Me-:"Not for another few hours. You want me to leave it in the machine for you?"  He shook his head yawning.

Walsh-:"Na, they repeat it like ten times in the week. I'm good. I'll be good." he turned towards me suddenly eyes wide.  "Better go. The stairs coming in smelled like piss and dirty clothes."

Me-:"yeah, I never touch the railings bare handed."

Dirty Laundry 53

Walsh's sister died.  The one who I was bitter with. It was a few weeks ago, in hospital. Kidney failure. It's been weird to watch my aunt, my cousins, my uncle trying to hold it all together. Odd and uncomfortable.

Mom was babysitting Mavis yesterday when I went over. She hasn't babysat in awhile. Walsh picked her up while I was still there. He's lost weight, looks tired. He's had the weight of the world on his shoulders for the last few years, and now, it's over.

How do you recover from something like that? To breathe finally because the issue came to an end in the only way it could?  Brutal right?

post it note Feb 14th 2016

Dear Herman:

I had stopped doing these because, well you've never answered. But, I've got an old Bon Jovi song stuck in my head all day "Never Say Goodbye". Thought it was strangely needing to be mentioned.

Anyways, so you can tell by the lack of anything on here in the last few months, there is nothing going on in my life. Nothing of interest anyways. My big mouth has got me locked into hobbies and challenges and projects that I've no real interest in. But people are holding me to them. My mouth gets me into trouble a lot. Though, must admit not like it used to. Insert crude joke right about here.

Okay Mr. Scratchy, I imagine you checking in tonight, dressed in plain dark jeans, a faded black t-shirt with a logo for the Ramones, hair freshly washed and cut for that matter, little wire rimmed glasses on, glass of whiskey beside you. I think you're stretched out on your bed, waiting. Waiting for your night to get started.

I'm going to go watch Downton Abbey

Exposed?

For the last while, I've been under the assumption that my neighbour- the desperate housewife- was having an affair with her female best friend. Every time her husband leaves for more than an hour, the best friend is over like a shot and many sexual noises can be heard through the wall.
So, assumption firmly established.

Little bit ago, there was shouting, doors slamming, and everyone suddenly in the hallway. There was the husband home early, and the desperate housewife's best friend being shoved in her underwear into the hall.
Assumption still firmly established by myself and the other two people who peeked out their doors at the noise.

Then more screaming as the husband threw their laptop into the hallway smashing it, before shoving the wife back into the apartment.

None of this was in English by the way, so I have no idea what was actually being said. Only, that it scared the hell out of me and the other two people who had peeked out their doors at the noise.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get online.

The Druid and the Pirate

I had gone to the occult store across town, met this semi-good looking guy hanging around there. And of course surprise surprise, he was gay. I swear, there isn't a straight male witch on this planet outside of movies. Anyways, the Druid and I were talking about rituals, and spell books. This is actually the second guy in a month I've met who is a druid. The first guy, I met while waiting in line at the bagel shop in the mall. He was straight but married. I swear my luck gets worse not better.

After leaving there, I headed to the comic store and I can't even tell you why? I literally spotted the sign for the place as I was walking down the street towards the bus, and just turned heading inside. I am not a comic person, so this was one of those gut reactions to go in there.
Anyways, this dude was standing at the far end of the place, dressed in leather pants, a black vest, black shirt and long trenchcoat, his hair jet black and more eyeliner then me. My first thought was he was either coming from a play or he's a massive fan of Once Upon a Time, cause he looked like the actor who plays Hook.  He started picking up random comics and commenting loudly about how the storylines in them sucked, and the problem with them these days is that there are too many crossover stories. 
I wandered through the store, just feeling...not even sure? Still don't know why I wandered in there to begin with? But the Pirate leaned over the bin of comics, raised an eyebrow at me asking if I agreed. I just gave a half smile and moved on. The salesman asked if there was anything he could help me with, and I said no as I spotted some old band shirts. And while I was standing there looking at some Megadeth and Kiss t-shirts, the Pirate decided to come over to where I was, walk a full circle around me, and then stood there just hovering. I still am not sure what to think of him? He was cute I'll give him that.

My mind tricked me

I was on my way to the grocery about an hour ago, staring at the construction workers, gazing dreamily into the window of the sandwich shop when I looked up to see this guy. My heart stopped for a half second as I nearly lost by breath.
There was this dude who was about 5 '8, half a mohawk-ish style slicked back, great arms walking a foot and a half ahead of me at warp speed through the parking lot.
Seriously, my brain shut down for the minute and a half as I continued to move on auto-pilot towards the store.  The guy kept looking over his shoulder like he was expecting to be raped or mugged or something.

I got into the store and walked past what I was looking for about five times before my mind cleared. Either I just saw the best look alike ever, or...The Celebrity is in town.

Never saw this dude straight on, so can't say if I've just lost my bleeding mind, or what?  I of course messaged my cousin Walsh asking him if there was any indie wrestling companies in town? Not to his knowledge.

Walsh-: "But...did you know that the Mexican Vampire is in town?"

Me-:"Yeah. He moved back like a year ago. Heard about it on the news...well mom heard about it on the news and told me."

Walsh-:"And you never told me!"

Me-:"Hey Walsh, guess what the Mexican Vampire moved back to town mom said she saw it on the news."

Walsh-:"Not funny. But if he's in town then it's totally possible that you saw The Celebrity."

Me-:"I would rather think it was a look alike. Hate to think I was literally two feet from my favourite wrestler, favourite famous person and..."

Walsh-:"And didn't faint at his feet. Haha!"

Me-:"Pretty much. What if it was him?"

Walsh-:"Then...I don't know? Anything is possible"

Me-:"Had to be a look alike, why would he be sprinting through the city? If it was some crazy off chance The Celebrity was here slumming in our crappy city, wouldn't he be driving?"

Walsh-:"Again, remember anything is possible."

Of course, be it him, look alike, or just a really hot dude; I was looking like the creature from the black lagoon today. Whenever I bother to do hair and make-up and such, the streets are empty like a ghost town. But when I barely run a comb through my hair, I am tripping over hot guys. Figures.

That is seriously all I'm going to be able to think about now. What if and why?

Here's the pattern

A guy messaged me on the dating site. Which I had once again lost faith in. Anyways, he messaged we chatted very briefly, and made plans for coffee. Only on the day of, he never messaged to confirm. Right, surprisingly, I was fine with it. He wasn't my type, and I only said yes, well because no one's asked in a long while.
A few days go by, and suddenly Mr. No Show, messages asking how I am. Tell him I'm fine, and then he asks if I want to try again. Tell him sure, and we set a semi-date.  Again, my gut tells me he isn't going to show, and again I'm fairly okay with it.
Right, he didn't. Then I get a message a few days after that telling me he's going to Vancouver till the new year for work. When he gets back he wants to try once more to have that coffee.
Fine whatever.   

This has been the base pattern for the last few years with me. A guy I'm not interested in, chats it up makes vague plans and cancels. The weird part is, I always know when the cancellation call/message is coming.

You've heard of the rebound, well I guess this makes me the practice run. And it never gets out the gate. Maybe that's why I'm not fully interested in the guy? Because I know he's not really interested in me?
Figuring out how to break this pattern is the hardest thing that seems to have crossed my path.