Friday 13th 2015 10:30pm

Ever have one of those moments when you think someone is flirting with you but you're not sure?  I went to the pizza place few buildings away today at lunch time. Which I must remember next time to wait an hour, as it was jammed wall to wall with teenagers on lunch-break. Anyways, I was standing there in line waiting my turn, and the guy ahead of me when asked if he wanted anything to drink replied "beer." 
The server started to kid around with him, saying he'd buy the first round if the dude picked up the rest of the check. He continued on in that manner, pointing out how with it being Friday before Valentines' that it was "single's day" at the bars.  He said this three times within a minute. The guy standing ahead of me turned towards me, hooked his thumb at the server and said "he want's someone to take pity on him. Ask him out."

I stood there half expecting one of the teenaged girls sitting at the nearest table to make a comment, as I had seen a few of them just drooling over the server. 
And he was cute. 6 '2, jet black hair, brown eyes, couldn't have been more then 24-25.  Surprisingly, none of the teenaged girls took the bait. All of them just quietly ate their pizzas. Odd in itself right?
While the dude ahead of me was waiting for his order, the server took my order and disappeared into the back.  The teenaged girls left while he was back there.

When the server returned, he joked a bit more about it being single's day with the guy ahead of me, then handed him his order.  My next thought was he was flirting with the guy.  As I was standing there waiting for my food, one of the teenaged girls returned, walked up to the edge of the counter and flat out asked him for his number.  He blushed, just stood there for a few beats then told her it wouldn't be right, as he was into someone else.  The girl blushed and left almost in a run.

Then he turns to me and goes "Don't you just hate that? When you get caught with someone interested in you when you're so not into them?"  I just sort of smiled not knowing what to say. Cause usually, I'm the one asking some guy for his number and him turning me down. The next thing out of his mouth sort of threw me. "I've seen you going to the grocery. When I've been coming to work. Seen you walking past here like all the time. So you must live around here then eh?"  I said that I lived across the parking lot. He nodded and handed me my order. I was about to leave when he commented that he'd be there all day tomorrow running the place by himself, because it was Valentine's day and he was the only staff single, everyone else had a date. 

Pizza dudes gotta love them.

Oh boy!

My phone rang few hours ago, it was my mom. I was terrified to pick it up, just knowing there was going to be bad news on the other end. My mother was yelling, but not why you would think.

Mom-:"Is this for real or is it a publicity stunt?"

Me-:"Is what for real?"

Mom-:"I just saw this post on facebook about Rebel without a Cause."  My mind being on death and hospitals and the like, I thought the next sentence was going to be that there was a horrible accident involving a bunch of my favourite wrestlers.  She read me the post, with much laughing as she did. I waited processing the information.

Me-:"Oh my god mom! You scared the shit out of me! With everything going on..."

Her laughter soon turned to hostility. She went from reading the post to me twice, her voice getting louder and more high pitched, focusing on the whole scandal, then she jumped right into talking about dad and how she was glad the internet wasn't around like it is now when he had his countless affairs. It was brutal. Sitting there hearing her vent her anger and frustration like that. I was almost too scared to hang up, afraid who she might call after me.

It was really sad in a way too. My parents met when they were 15 years old, and have been part of each others lives for the last 50 years. I find that in itself impossible to wrap my head around. Specially given that the last 30 of those years have been bad and bitter ones. 
By the time we got off the phone, she was crying.

Those of us who are out there searching for that right perfect mate, we don't really fathom just how long they might or might not truly be part of our lives. There's the fairy tale version of forever, and then there is the reality of forever.
One of my cousins had 8 years with her husband. They had met when she was 30 years old, were together for 7 years before they got married, and didn't even make it to their first wedding anniversary when he died. She was widowed before her 38th birthday.

While I had been on the phone with her, I got a message from my cousin Walsh about the Rebel without a Cause thing.

Walsh-:"You seen this?"

Me-:"Heard."   I seriously wasn't in the mood.

Walsh-:"And?!"

Granted, my family can't deal with real stuff like life and death situations, and meddling in other people's love lives is something we turn to when we can't handle. I used to be such a good matchmaker back in the day, but that was years ago.

Me-:"The dude's human."

Walsh-:"You should blog about it. He reads you right?"

I kept waiting for my cousin to ask how things were going with my family, but he didn't. Just kept it light, focused on the wrestler. I got angry, just wanted to scream at him. Ended up breaking down crying for awhile.
The one time I want to have a serious conversation about a real topic, no one wants to. They all want to be distracted. Real emotions are exhausting. Bottling them up, letting them loose, feeling like you should have seen it coming, being mad at yourself for not being able to get over it sooner, or worse, for having gotten over it quicker then others thought you should.

How do you deal with something you're just not grown up enough to deal with?

Feb 10th 2015

I swear the world runs on drama. I know my life seems to.

My sister called me the other night, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Which, is not something you would consider normal between us.  She is listed as one of two contacts on our dad's emergency list.
He's currently in hospital, in ICU after having suffered two massive strokes. They also found a heart blockage and cancer.  If he makes it through this, he'll need someone to feed him and clean him. If he doesn't, then he won't make it through the weekend.

My family life was not pretty. Our father was an abusive man. I haven't had anything to do with him in over a decade, or his side of the family for that matter.

The other name on the emergency list was his ex-girlfriend. Who left him three years ago, for god only knows what reasons. She showed up last night causing all kinds of shit for my sister and mom.

I don't know how I feel.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm hurt...I hate the fact I still care.

Memories of you

I was digging through a box in the storage room just a bit ago, and came across my old video camera. It still had a tape lodged in it, and even though the battery no longer takes a charge, in fact the battery charger seems to have been lost in the move; the cable to plug it in was there in the box. So, I powered up the old camera and it works. The video tape that was in the machine, had footage of myself and a buddy from few years ago hanging out being goofs. I was about forty pounds thinner as it was obviously pre-knee injury.
I haven't thought of this man in years, but I found myself really missing him all of a sudden. I loved talking to him, which we did all the time. 
What I didn't like, was being around him for too long physically. As much as I found him to be a blast, and a really sweet guy; I didn't feel completely safe around him.

I know how out there this is going to sound, but when we were mire feet away hanging in a coffee shop or god forbid, driving anywhere, I would get a strange vibe off him. I feared being in a car with him at any point just because he was a reckless driver. And being in any kind of physical space with him for more then twenty minutes, would have my skin crawling.

There always seemed to be this vortex around him. I wish I had a better way to describe the vibe, but there was just something...unsettling about him.

My horoscope lately has talked about memories and doors opening to second chances. I chalked it up to the former one night stand having contacted me the other week, but now I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to it then just that? 

Sunday 25th Jan 2015

So, week and a half ago, I mentioned that a guy I had been involved with few years back, emailed. I decided to reply to him. God only knows why?
We chatted for hours, about nothing! Literally just a bunch of "hey what's new in your life?" topics of small chit-chat.  And I hate to admit it, but it was pleasant. Nice to have someone to talk to for a bit. And I let myself get carried away, and asked him for coffee. That was a Thursday. He agreed for the following Monday. The whole weekend past and I heard nothing from him.
The whole time, I just kept getting this nagging feeling that I was making a huge mistake, that it would lead to repeating past bad behavouir with him.
So the Monday came, and I didn't hear from him. I ended up sending him the cancellation message. He didn't seemed too choked up about it. Then I stupidly went against my gut instincts and suggested the next day. Which he seemed beyond interested in.
Okay, and this is where the red flags of my gut instinct slammed me against the wall. He said he'd call at a certain time to confirm. He never did. And I got angry. Not because I actually wanted to see him, cause I knew it would be a bad idea on so many levels; but because he didn't bother to confirm.
I started to remember why I got fed up with the men I was meeting those few years back. Why I got disgusted and just stopped bothering. And here I was letting it all happen again. 
So, former one night stand emailed me on Tuesday, 45 minutes before we were originally scheduled to catch up over coffee expecting me to be jumping for joy ready to go. And I wasn't. I was still unshowered and in my pajamas.
And I told him I wasn't going to meet up with him.

I don't know if he was more pissed off with me turning him down, or the fact that the whole time I never flirted with him?  The guy was a charmer, that much about him I remember, but that's about all I do. He could walk past me in the street and I wouldn't for the life of me recognize him. He probably has over the last few years.

The strangest part of all this is that I didn't feel bad about cancelling, but when I let him back in to begin with.  I'm going to be 41 this year, and what I was lacking when I originally knew him was self respect.  And writing this, I know it sounds cocky and bit egotistical, but it's true. I respect myself too much to let guys like him back into my life.

No more playboys/players/guys who are juggling women.

Old new borrowed blue

Picture it, me standing in line at the dollar store with valentine's day cookie cutters in hand, when Mr. Freeze opens the outside set of doors to the store. He saw me took a half step back as if frightened, then walked in through the "out" door. Right past me to the point I thought he was going to smash my shoulder, then walked around to the far end of the store for whatever it was he had come in for. Which, by the way, had he gone through the "in" door would have only needed to take one step to get to that area. I went to pay for my stuff, looked up and he was right behind me in line. Cut in front of some old man. It get's weirder, I turned to put my basket back and he stepped out of line blocking me then stepped back into line, dropped his stuff and headed back into the far end of the store.

But the hits keep rolling. I then went the next building over, to the actual grocery and bumped into this guy I haven't seen in years. Former Neighbour who lived across the street from me when we were kids. He was standing there with his girlfriend/wife (he's been divorced few times I can't keep up with the rumors) spotted me, and screamed my name out as if he was actually happy to see me. Wasn't expecting that. Expecting maybe a semi-polite nod of acknowledgement or at the most a mid-air hand wave. His girlfriend/wife turned looking at me then stormed off, turned back and  grabbed him by the sleeve. When I was leaving the grocery few minutes later, they past me at the doors. He turned to start talking and she glared at me, like she wanted me dead.  
Now, Former Neighbour dated/slept with everyone of my friends when we were younger. It was like I would make a friend and within weeks, they seemed to end up with him. I swear it was like the universe planned it for me to be the stepping stone for those chicks to bump into FN. All I ever got from FN was a beehive stuck in my bedroom window one night when he was stoned. He seemed to love torturing me. So no matter his reputation, I'm in no way a threat.

To think I could ever be a threat in any way is beyond funny.

Then arrive home, check emails, and there was a message from a guy I had a one night stand with years ago. Just out of the blue, asking me how my day was. Odd.

Things happen in threes. What else is on the agenda?

Would you date a witch?

Between 2005 and 2009, I tried pretty much every dating site out there. And that was back when "dating sites" were a four letter word. They were still new-ish and considered something sleazy that only the lowest of the creepy did. Some of the guys were okay, and some of them should have come with a warning label. All eventually ended up becoming my most popular topic of blogging elsewhere on the internet. So much so, that good, bad and down right disturbing, my dating life was what kept people reading me. And hence, I decided to start this blog dedicated to just that.
Only, I got disgusted with the guys I was meeting and made the stupid choice to stop dating until Mr. Right came into my life. That was 2009, and I haven't been on a date since. Nor has Mr. Right shown up.

That really hurt to admit.

I've made it clear more then once that I just don't like sites like Facebook. I've done them, and just feel ugh about them. Yet, the world runs on sites like that.

I've discovered there are two types of men out there that seem to keep crossing my path. The guys' that are okay with the way I look, and the ones who are okay with my personality.  The one's who I've gotten involved with over the years that are fine with my level of attractiveness, I've learned the hard way have all been uber sluts that have slept with half the city. Right, and the one's who I've gotten involved with over the years that have only been able to sleep with me when drunk beyond drunk, have always pointed out how not their type physically I am. Okay then. The slutters always seem to have an issue with the Occult side of my life. While the beer-goggle guys, usually don't.

What does that say about me? Better yet, what does that say about society as a whole?

With everyone around me poking at me to not just try dating again, and to try facebook again, to add more photos of myself online etc; it's got me thinking. An experiment of sorts.
Which would mean having to face some pretty big fears I've developed in the last few years. The fear of actually dating again being the biggest. The fact I'd have to start bothering to put on make-up, dress in something other then yoga pants and over sized shirts, admitting that I would have to *gasp* buy new bras and wear them...etc. Then the hard part, dealing with the rejection, the hope, the anticipation of an email/text/call from a guy, the getting to know you part, the when do I tell him the bookcase of stuff is an altar...or I could straight up advertise myself as a witch. And I'll let you imagine for yourself how badly that could end up going.

Not everyone is open to that.

After just loosing a friend because our religious beliefs were polar opposite, and having Mr. Freeze whispering to his co-worker when I walked past him this afternoon in the grocery (ironically wearing make-up) I'm tired of tip-toeing around.  Tired of living less then half my life.

Should I bother jumping into this?