Oh No,Toto

Last night I decided to go out to the lobby of mom's building and try working on the stairs.  As the only thing keeping me from getting home right now is the fact I have a large flight of stairs at my place.  Me and crutches have never been a strong suit.
Beth, one of the ladies who lives in mom's building was coming in with her dog and spotted me.  After informing me how bad the snow was {which by the way as I look out of the window it looks like it barely covers the tip of a shoe} she asked me an odd question.   "What would I do if the man of my dreams came up to me right now?"

Me-:" I would offer him a bowl of cereal and maybe put on the Red Wings game"

Beth-:" But you didn't know it was the man of your dreams.  He shows up in your life and you don't even know at first that it's him. What would you do about it?"

Me-:"But I would know the man of my dreams."

Beth-:"But what would you do about it? Specially if you found out he was married and lived the next town over."

At this point the dog which was one of those purse sized dogs, started to bite at the little ugly doggy sweater she had him in.  I started to sort of giggle which might not have been the best thing to do.

Beth-:"What if you didn't know it was the man of your dreams until it was too late and you had missed your chance? Would you do anything? Since you didn't realize it when you were young enough to do something or would you wait around and see how things felt?"

The dog started to bite at her thumb at that point from where she was holding him.  And I was thinking oh-no-Toto-we're-not-in-what-if-my-life-anymore. 
Clearly something had happened to make Beth think about a lost love.  So this meant I wasn't the only broken thing at the bottom of the stairs.

She kept waiting for some answer that I just could not give her.  She mumbled something to the dog to get him to stop the biting and then just waited for a few seconds before asking me what the crutches were for.

Beth-:"Aw that's too bad. I've got to get in and feed him. But while you're here you should come over one night I've got a big flat screen we can watch Gone with the Wind.  I love that movie, and when I saw it at the store I had to buy it. And watch out for that new guy who moved in upstairs with the part in his hair.  He killed his wife he got out of prison and they put him here. Lock your mom's door make sure if you hear anything you call the cops right away.  Why they put the cameras in here."   she pointed to the secerty cameras that were in the lobby and hallways which have been there for over two years. 

By that time, I gave up on practicing the stairs cause my foot was swollen. 

Sleepless

I suffer from insomnia.  Tonight it seems to be worse then normal. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that someone is about to come into my life.
I'm hoping it's Mr. Scratchy, or at the very lest a wrestler.  

And why do I feel that someone is about to come into my life you are thinking?  Because of a dream I had the other night where I was sitting at a table with three other people.  One of which was a very tall man who seemed to in the dream be interested in me.  And if you've been paying attention to this blog at all over the course of things, then you know I believe in omens.

So this is playing on my mind tonight as I sit here unable to sleep and wishing that a certain someone was sitting here with me sharing this conversation over tea. 
But he's not. 

He is I think, sitting right now in front of his computer as he reads this dressed in those plaid pajamas again, drinking a bottled water and shaking his head at me once again.  Maybe his buddy is leaning over his shoulder giggling and saying "awww. Email her"  or he might be saying "you're right dude, that's is freaky" cause I was bang right on about them hanging around reading this blog.

Okay Mr. Scratchy, until next time.

Do you know where your friends are?

"Oh my god. It's a dating site"

Walsh laughed for about ten minutes when I said this as he looked over my shoulder.   I had decided to check emails yesterday while mom was in the shower.  There was one from my buddy the Musician, asking me to join some social network style thing.  Only, it wasn't a Facebook or Myspace it was a dating site.  I thought I'd put that in the past. 

Walsh-:"Thought you two weren't hanging around anymore?"   He put down the milk that mom had asked him to deliver since I am still on crutches.

Me-: "Haven't heard from him since the summer.  Well, I am guessing that that means he's still single too. "

Walsh picked up the newspaper and shook it at me. "You should be doing this.  Their food writer is a moron."

Me-: "Rather do the movie reviews or something.  Besides, they don't pay for their fluff articles and they butcher everything you submit.  I submitted to them in the past. Don't ask. So when did our lives turn into something we didn't want?"

Walsh shrugged with that blush he always does. "I'm happy.  Wish I could get a new truck but that's about it. Why?"

Me-: "Still sort of waiting to see if my real life will kick in.  Always pictured myself married long by now traveling and writing, having gallery showings of my art.  But yet..."

My cousin shrugged again and said he needed to go get the kids from school. "It will all come together when you relax a bit. "

Do we know our own hearts?

While I have been stuck here at my mother's I ran out of my own books to read and ended up digging through her stack of already read books.
I ended up picking up a romance novel by Debbie Macomber called "Married in Seattle". 
It was two short stories about being set up and finding love where you wouldn't think you would. 

And this is the part where I say it got me thinking.  Partly about my own life and part about this manuscript I wrote way back a decade ago. 
That was the first time I had written anything, that I could see being the one novel that made it.  I still think it surpasses anything I've written to date as far as plot and character goes.  I still think someday down the line it will be in my published works.

I'm sitting here in what can be considered too late for middle of the night and too early for morning.  That weird inbetween time.  And I am thinking about everything that matters to me and the things I want to change.  What are my biggest dreams, my biggest goals, my biggest love?
It's always been the same for as long as I can remember.   To be married to the right guy, to be loved and cherished.  Even the coldest of hearts wants that.  Love at first sight, strength in knowing you chose wisely even after a heartbreak.

As I read over what I just posted, I realize to some this might sound like a random ramble but in the end I also know, the right guy will get the message until then, I guess it's twilight time.

Stolen Moments

I was watching an episode this morning of  Lipstick Jungle, when I started thinking about this past week.   The episode was from season one and was where Victory Ford looses her business and has to start over and ends up chasing down an old hat.  The character kept pointing out that she wasn't at her peak anymore creativly and had to find something from her past to grab onto.

It fits right in with the planet shifts right now, as there are a few lined up to make people rethink a few things in their lives and fix them. 

If you've read the last few posts, you know that I am basically grounded with a broken foot. So, while I have been grounded so to speak, I had a short chat with G-Babbs yesterday.
She pointed a few things out to me that I hadn't thought of, or didn't realize.   One was about bumping into my ex at the hospital.  I needed to know I wouldn't shatter into a million pieces if I ever saw him again.  And I didn't, might have thought I would but didn't. She also pointed out the fact that him looking at me the way he did meant he'd have something on his end to be sorting out. 
Given the fact everyone has over the years screwed up their face and said the same thing about him - that he's a major player and I should not waste my time on him - every time his name was mentioned, makes me believe he hasn't changed at all. 
I know that I am better off without him, that there is someone a million times better for me coming.
G-Babbs also told me to listen to my instincts.  Poked her finger in my chest actually really hard when she said it too.  Ironically, I was sitting here the other night after mother had gone to bed and given up the computer for the night, and was about to post something on here but stopped.
My 4th Chakra was active.   That would be the heart chakra.  And the unexplainable vibe that someone was sad came over me.   I am not sure I should say who popped into my mind for that few minutes, but I will say the last time I felt that on my own end was a year and a half ago; when I stopped writing.

I'm not going to give you a lesson in the Chakras, there is no point for the random readers of this blog. But I need to point out that when my ex left me 7 years ago, my 2nd chakra was ... disrupted.  That is the spleen chakra.  Okay, so this is turning into a small lesson on them. 
When we connect with others, be it as friends, lovers etc; each chakra connects too.  It's a wicca thing.

When I started this blog just over a year ago, I had it in my mind to be all about finding love.  I thought for the longest time that the blog was a failure because I wasn't finding the man of my dreams. 

And with that, I'll wrap up this very long post right now .  It will make sense to the right man...I'm sure of it.

Dirty Laundry 9

"Well your sister has always been a bit of a bitch."  Walsh said quietly.  Mom was going to see my youngest cousin in a school play and Walsh came to give her a ride.  I told him about the other night and having bumped into my ex at the hospital.  He just shrugged. "Oh and let me know if you get any emails telling you to stop kicking walls." 

I didn't get a chance to reply on that as mom walked out of the bathroom and they left.  This means I have an hour all to myself to check emails and post on here. 
I would have loved to have had the brains to say something cute and witty to Walsh about how any wall kicking notes would be more likely to include how to properly perform an enzuigiri or a spinning heel kick, but I'm just not with it right now. 

I just hope everyone else is safe tonight.

Random 11/15/2011

Why is it you always bump into the one who ripped your heart to shreds when you are at your worst?

It happened to me few hours ago.  I broke my foot this afternoon and ended up sitting in the emergency for hours.
There I was, sitting in a wheelchair not showered, hair a mess, swollen eyes from crying, foot the size of a watermelon, and there he was.  Standing across the room waiting in line to check in.  And he spotted me right off.   Our eyes locked for a breif few seconds.
I am not going to lie, my breath caught in my thoat much like it had 8 years ago the very first time I'd ever seen him.

Then this short chick with long red dyed hair and a toddler came up to him. 

Wow.  Wow. My brain shut down for a moment while I sat there unable to run away.  Then they walked past me on their way to some exam room.  
He looked pretty much the same except for having gained a 50pound beer gut.  He oddly enough kept eye contact with me til he was only a foot away, then he turned his eyes from me and looked at the floor.
By that point, my eyes were locked on the little boy his girlfriend/wife was carrying.  All I could think was had I not lost our baby ... and then I did the math.  That little boy was around 7 years old. 

And then, I was okay.  Well, I still have a broken foot and ended up in a massive fight with my sister, but, as far as my ex goes,  I was good. 

My next round of thoughts were about Mr. Scratchy and my wrestlers.  I wondered how they were all doing since last night was a ppv and they'd be taping tonight.
And something hit me.  The qoute about how when two people are destined to be together they will be unable to avoid each other, how they will keep popping up in each other's lives.    My ex and I were never fully meant to be together because in the 7 years since he cheated and left me; we've been living in the same city -a small city at that- and never bumped into each other. 

P.S.  to The Celebrity...well I have nothing to say really, just wanted to let you know I thought about you.