Sunday continued

Making a cup of tea, when the buzzer went.  It was my cousin. Odd. He stood there looking like his heart was broken. I asked him what he was doing here, he shrugged and just stood there leaning on the wall for a minute. I right away thought something had happened to his sister or dad or something, but he said everyone was fine. Then he asked me if I was okay?

Me-:"Why wouldn't I be?"

Walsh-:"Cause of the whole...finger thing." he was blushing.

Me-:"Oh my god! Seriously?"  I started to laugh. I think he was wanting me to be heartbroken and acting like a psycho or something, and disappointed that I wasn't.

Walsh-:"So you're not mad at me for pointing it out?"

Me-:"Keep at it and I will be."  I poured him a cup of tea. "I took it out of the dvr so don't even bother looking for it."

Walsh-:"Well noted."  he just sat there, sort of slumped shoulders like a sad puppy.

Me-:"Okay, this is bothering you more then me. Why?"

He shrugged again. "I really wanted to be right on this. I still 100% believe he's Mr. Scratchy."

That brought a tear to my eye. I ended up with a knot in my throat for a few moments. I was unable to talk.

Me-:"Okay, dude..." I sat there stupid for a few more minutes. "Where to start? This is the year of the Horse coming up. Like the end of the month is Chinese New Year. Which is suppose to be like the best thing going for me. Last time I had a chart like that was eleven years ago, when I met -----. Good or bad, three things led me to him. The first being that I was doing something I totally loved as a hobby, second being I was completely devoted to my spiritual side, and third being my writing. I wrote that one novel that I still am really proud of like a month before ----- came into my life. All my attention and focus was directed into what I loved doing. And I wasn't looking for a relationship, it just fell into my lap..."

Walsh-:"This going to be a long story cause I have to pee."  (I started typing this so I wouldn't forget while he was in the toilet.) "continue..."

Me-:"Chinese New Year...right Year of the Horse. I made myself one promise this year. To do what I love. That includes focusing on my spiritual side which I've neglected for the last few years, working on a hobby which is the monster's library movie thing, and writing, which was the online fairy tale. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

Walsh-:"No, all shadows and darkness." he got up and boiled the kettle again for another cup of tea. "What was the novel you said you were working on back when ----- started to cheat on you?" he was giggling.  He was referring to a character in the story being named Johnathan. "Was that the one about the Johnny Depp fan? Why did you never try to publish that one?" 

Me-:"I am starting to hate you right now. Thinking of poking out your eyes or something. You killed my muse. I can't work on a story where my romantic lead is not available. I just can't work that way. There's like a block in my brain that keeps me from being able to. Let me rephrase that, when I know the guy is not available. It totally kills any romantic ideals I have of the guy. Makes him as interesting as wilted lettuce. I have no idea how I'm going to fix this in order to finish the fairy tale? And, and it destroys my power of three thing I had going on with the hobby, witch stuff and writing."  Walsh just stared at me wide eyed. Honestly, I think he was thinking of something or someone other then our conversation.

Walsh-:"And what's that got to do with Mad Hatter being Mr. Scratchy?"

Me-:"I had connected the theory, your theory that you jammed repeatedly into my brain, that Mad Hatter was Mr. Scratchy, my guy; into the main love story part of the fairy tale. How am I suppose to continue thinking that way and writing that way now? You killed my crush killing the muse."

Walsh-:"I do not believe that, it's crap." he nodded grabbing a cigarette and opening the window leaning out of it. "I don't understand why you're not wanting to believe he's Mr. Scratchy?"

Me-:"Oh my god! Okay, my core values, my core belief system, is based on the idea of soulmates. The main thing I do is connected to romance, relationships, love. Whether you personally agree with me or not, to me Mr. Scratchy is more then a theory. If I continue to believe that Mr. Scratchy is Mad Hatter and he's not available, then that rips my core values apart. Mr. Scratchy can't be married or seriously attached to anyone else. Now do you understand me?" my cousin just sat there for a moment, face out the window smoking. "Mad Hatter can not be Mr. Scratchy, can not be my soulmate, if he's not...free. And I wouldn't even be thinking this way if it wasn't for you shoving the idea down my throat for months. I was very blissfully fine thinking Mr. Scratchy was The Celebrity. Then you had to go and ruin that by telling me he was off in Japan and that disconnected from the timing of blog hits and scratching..."  okay by that point I was ranting just a bit. Took me a bit to calm down from that. Second cup of tea in fact.

Walsh-:"I'm still not getting why this ruins your writing?"

Me-:"I'm talking to a wall, a 36 year old wall. The inspiration for the character, the lead romance, comes from a crush I had/have on Mad Hatter. I can't think of him that way if I know for a fact he's not crushable. If I am unable to finish the fairy tale, or at lest keep it going cause it's turned into a mega soap opera on the blog; to at lest keep it going, two things will happen, one will be the return of writers block cause my crush on Mad Hatter was the first thing in 3 years that cured my writer's block, and two, the focus on doing what I love, the witch stuff, the hobby and the writing, won't work to lead me to the next relationship. Or at the very lest distract me from thinking about why I'm not in a relationship."

Walsh-:"All I got from that was blah blah blah you finally believe that Mr. Scratchy is Mad Hatter blah blah blah." he smiled as he lit another cigarette.

Me-:"Which no longer is even an issue if he's married. And thanks a f***ing lot. If you hadn't started pointing out the stupid dots, I wouldn't be...now I'm mad at you."

Walsh-:"Mad because of the writing or the crush?"

Me-:"Both. You know, I didn't see a life after 32. I just always felt that was the end of things. And then the year I was 32, the car accident and what happened with all that. So when I tell you that I don't see anything husband/serious relationship wise after 40, I have to listen to my gut on that."

Walsh-:"40 is not that old anymore. Plenty of people find their soulmate or whatever well into their last years."

Me-:"Well, whomever he is...don't even say it...whomever he is, he's got about seven weeks to show up. Then 40 hits and I see nothing."

Walsh-:"You said after 40. That still gives you a year. So like technically when you turn 41."

Me-:"Go home."

He looked at the clock realizing he'd been here almost an hour as it was, and started to make another cup of tea. "I don't want to. Wife's got friends over for a girls day."  he started searching the cupboards not finding anything of interest. "So you still mad?"

Me-:"Yes at you yes. You're driving me crazy. And I'm sure I've sounded enough like a crazy person over the years as it is. Remember the time my sister's friends all were catatonic when their favourite celebrity crushes got married? They were what, fourteen?"

Walsh-:"And you're okay? With all this?"

Me-:"I'm most likely heading for writer's block, but...you are the one acting like your heart is broken over this. I never met the guy, never had a conversation with him, not like we were friends. That's what a celerity crush is. A crush on a famous person. Dude, I am so glad the internet wasn't around when I was a kid/teenager. This is why I keep telling you I don't want to know. I don't do the facebook or twitter stuff, don't google, because I don't want to know anything about their real lives. Just height, age, weight, hair and eye colour. The basics, and a few common catchphrases/movements. Just enough to inspire a character for my writing. Anything beyond that, like if they are single, married, straight, gay, with kids etc, ruins them for me. Why do I feel like I just spent the last hour going around in circles?"

Walsh-:"I get it. You're mad because I pointed out something you didn't want to know and now you've lost your muse. But that doesn't change the fact I still believe he's Mr. Scratchy. Don't give up on the idea of him. There is just too many things still pointing in that direction."

Me-:"Like a brick wall."  he left shortly after that. And here's me, wondering how he got me to actually believe him?  My past experience alone with people pushing me in someone's direction should have kept me from believing him. But, no, there was just too many things that strengthened his theory. Now, I'm just mad at myself.