Friday, March 27, 2015

Bad day?

I got a message from my cousin Walsh this afternoon "Was the show on last night?"

Me-:"Yeah. Why?"

Walsh-:"Just cause it never recorded. Thought the dvr was broken."

Me-:"What's up?"

Walsh-:"Nothing. Just getting off work, What's up with you?"

Me-:"Just making sauce for dinner. And trying not to have a breakdown."

Walsh-:"What happened?"

Me-:"Lost three years of my time is all."  I proceeded to tell him about a novel I was working on and how the manuscript is missing.

Walsh-:"Like what do you mean missing?"

Me-:"As in I haven't seen it since the move. I spent the day going through the rest of the boxes with paper, notes, etc in them and can't find it. I only had the one copy of it printed out."

Walsh-:"Haha! That's what backing up your work is for dumbass."

Me-:"First thing I did was put the back up in the computer. Back up doesn't work."

Walsh-:"What do you mean it doesn't work?"

Me-:"Oh my god, okay, the novel was written on my old computer on a program that is out dated, and therefore when I tried to open it on this computer, it read it as just code and symbols and is useless."

Walsh-:"Ah, why didn't you just say that. What's having the print out going to do if you can't work on it anyways?"

Me-:"Then I don't need to worry about the back up not working, cause I'll have a hard copy. But, can't find it and I spent three years working on that novel."

Walsh-:"When was the last time you saw it?"

Me-:"What part of I had it just before the move did you not understand?"

Walsh-:"Re-write it."

Me-:"I might have to try. I started writing that back in 2006."

Walsh-:"Any news on your dad?"

Me-:"They moved him to a long term care hospital."

Walsh-:"Other then your manuscript missing everything else alright?"

Apparently, my frustration was coming through in my texts. "Nope. Don't worry about it."

I finished making dinner and started to think about it, decided to blog it given it was Walsh. Biggest mistake I made was blogging about certain people and letting them know about it. They all either hate me now or just want to see themselves in writing.   There was a knock at the window, Walsh had shown up. I almost didn't let him in, but I did.

Me-:"You did not come here because I wouldn't answer you. What's up?"   He shrugged like he always does, and just hovered inside the doorway.

Walsh-:"Just out in the truck. So what's wrong?"

Me-:"I think I'm done."  he looked at me with his chin sticking out waiting. "I think I'm done trying to write. I'm 41 and the best I can show is a handful of blogs. I think it's time to know?"

Walsh-:"I give you a week. Four days tops."

Me-:"No I really think I'm done. Nothing left in me, nothing good anyways."

Walsh-:"Fairy tales going well. I think."

Me-:"Fairy tale really sucks. I've sort of lost my muse again. Mad Hatter, Rebel without a Cause, Werewolf King, Dimmer, boring the snot out of me. He won't die. I keep trying to kill off the character based on Mad Hatter, and it's like the universe won't let me. Like every time I write the scene, he's standing there beside me yelling at me to save the character. Anne Rice once said that's what writing the character of Lestat was like for her. I'm being haunted by my own writing. I dream of the damned story all the time. The scenes taking over everything."

Walsh-:"Don't say that. You'll hurt his feelings."  he started to laugh then just stopped. "Okay seriously. What's really bothering you?"

We talked for awhile, me crying more than once.

Of all the stuff I've contributed to over the years online, this blog is where I've been able to be the most honest, most raw part of myself. I know more then half the time, there are readers who think I'm nuts, and I admit, even to myself sometimes I think if I was some random reader I'd think I was brain fried too.
But, this is me. The messy details of my life.   I've had readings done, horoscopes drawn out, blah blah blah, all saying that this is the big year everything is suppose to fall into place. The missing puzzle piece.  I've believed that so many times it's funny. Painful, but so funny.
I'm tired of having my dreams made fun of, tired of falling for the wrong men and getting my heart shattered. Tired of feeling like I just don't belong.
This is suppose to be a time of major communication, so this is me, trying to communicate my disappointment to the universe...and confusion.

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