Friday, April 17, 2015

Dirty Laundry 46

I used to get a lot of panic attacks after the car accident, but they stopped about a year after.  It's been a few years and I've been totally fine.  Until last summer. I've had a few small ones since last August, and today was shaping out to be one.
I had an to be somewhere for 12:30pm today, and while getting ready this morning, I was starting to get the beginning vibes of a panic attack. Only I wasn't sure that's truly what it was?
I mentioned the witch community I've recently joined. Or sort of joined. And how clique-y it is. One of the core people, pretty much the center of the universe as far as the community is concerned had a situation. Everyone has been back and forth about it in the last 48 hours.  Even I was feeling it.
Here's the thing, the energies were so taunt, so high, that I couldn't tell if these panicky vibes were my own intuition or just the group collective?  Sucks to be me sometimes.
And now, half the community have been frozen out. A whole group of us who because we're newer, don't exist. How's that for welcome wagon.

Few friends in my life I do have hovering around, keep brushing it off telling me not to take it so personal, that they aren't the right people to be in my life anyways, and that I need to let it go and forget it.
Maybe I don't want to? I know I should, it's got nothing to do with me, but yet I feel like I should take it personal. It's the way I am. Everything is personal until proven otherwise.

So, I sucked it up and went to my appointment. I'm glad I did. The moment I left the apartment and was outside, my mind started to clear, to shift to other things. I actually had fun while out today.

And twice, I saw Jon the repair guy.  Once, while waiting for the bus, he pulled into the parking lot, got out of the truck, looked up at me twice, then waved.  Cool. I love it when men actually notice I'm alive.  The second time, was at the end of the day.  I was coming back from the grocery, and he was waiting for traffic to slow; still on the edge of our parking lot, spotted me and did a u-turn through the parking lot drove to the far end, u-turned back just as I was coming across the divide of our parking lot and the grocery lot, waving as he did.  Feels good to be seen.

I'm having a difficult time trusting my gut lately. Let me rephrase that, I'm having a difficult time deciding if what I'm feeling is intuition or fear?  Are the witch cliques out to get me or am I just paranoid?  Is a married man really married and flirting with me for no good reasons, or is he faking it?  Are there really two Mr. Scratchy?  I don't know?

And if I can't trust my gut, then what good am I as a witch type?

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