I did something today, I swore I'd never do.
Well, I did half
of something. I checked out the website of The Celebrity's side
project. Hit the link and looked at the page.
That's as far as I got.
actually view/listen to anything that is posted there. I couldn't
bring myself to. I didn't find it very inviting, then again, I don't
really think he planed for me to ever find it inviting.
am I posting about this? Because, at some point in the last few years,
I managed to get under the skin of The Celebrity. I guess in a few
ways. Totally weirded him out, and annoyed him, and just made him think
I am a total nutball. So he lashed out and made me feel worthless.
That was two years ago. His lashing out. And it only took one sentence
on the company blog to shake me to my core. Stopped doing my reviews
because of his comment. I completely stopped writing for awhile because
of it too, and it's been really difficult to get back into.
as silly as this all sounds, it was a hurdle I needed to get past.
Crazy right, yeah I know. But, he's just got this effect on me. This
... I don't even know what, that makes me feel like I'm back in high
school trying to speak to the cool guy a few lockers from me. You know
that feeling. The one where nothing you say ever seems to come out
right, and your pulse races cause your so nervous. Yeah, that feeling.
And I've only ever dealt with him over the blogs. So, imagine what kind of effect he'd have on me in real life?
again, he might not have any. I was involved with this guy back in
2005, who was from Boston. We had this amazing chemistry online and over
the phone for months but when we actually met up face to face;
nothing. Like talking to a brick wall nothing.
So who knows,
maybe one of these days I'll get to meet The Celebrity and it will be
like talking to a tree with bad hair? And then again it could be worse
then it is now? I could turn into a pile of screaming mush, like I'm
sure so many fans have when meeting Elvis or the Beatles or the
Backstreet Boys or something. Or worse.
I said it was
a hurdle I needed to get past. And it is. Okay, it itself isn't, but
the characteristic in me it represents is. Confused yet?
older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. It should get easier the older
we get when we like someone, but I've yet to see that happen. It's like
the reason I don't phone men I'm interested in.
Men scare me, and I hate to disappoint them. And I always seem to disappoint them and scare the goo out of them.
what brought all this on today you might be asking Mr. Scratchy? Well,
it's because of one of my cousins. Walsh's sister. She's been in and
out of the hospital in the last few months, and it doesn't look good.
She's destroyed her insides from the last 11 years of drugs and
drinking. This is the cousin who betrayed me by stealing a boyfriend
from me, and a chance at a recording contract. That's a really long
story in itself, but I forgive her. It's taken 11 years but I finally
And watching her now, knowing she threw her life
away and that she might not live out the year... made me realize that
grudges, fear, insecurity, and the complications they create is no way
to spend your life.
And really, after the car accident I was in few years ago; I should already be living every moment to it's fullest.
I haven't been because I let a guy have center stage in my life. A guy
who is nine years younger then me that I've never even met in reality.
Granted, a guy who is one of the most talented men I've come across in
years, one of the sexiest I've ever laid eyes on, and one of the most
annoying at that. But that's part of his charm. That take no prisoners
attitude is what makes him well, him. And I dig that.
he thinks I'm a nutball, there's nothing I can really do about it. He's
going to think whatever he does about me, no matter how I act. But then
again I'm not sure I want to have him think differently of me? Never
had a guy be relaxed around me and thinking of me like he does other
women, why start now? And as everyone keeps reminding me, The Celebrity
is just a man at the end of the day.
So yeah, two years
ago when The Celebrity wrote what he did on the company blog, he made
me feel like I was worthless. Like my writing was invalid, like I was
invalid. And I let him. I reacted to his comment and I let myself become
To anyone else, his comment wouldn't have even been noticed, but to me; it cut deep. That's my insecurities big time.
it happened, people said to me not to take it personal, that you never
know what is going on in someone else's personal life, that he could
have been having a bad week or day or what have you and lashed out on me
cause I was there. Someone else actually said to me that maybe he
lashed out because he knew I'd forgive him?
None of that really matters. In the end, it was how I responded to it. My insecurities.
insecurities about not wanting to disappoint the men around me.
Specially a man as successful as The Celebrity. And if I can't handle
something like that on a blog, how am I suppose to handle real issues in
a real relationship with any man?
In a messed up way,
The Celebrity helped me realize this about myself. I know Mr.
Scratchy, that I've got him on this pedestal, but in a way, I've got you
on one too.
Note- I've never screwed up on a date before. Yes, I posted this yesterday on Aug 3rd 2012 with july in the title.