Saturday, August 4, 2012

Post it Aug 3rd Repost

I did something today, I swore I'd never do.
Well, I did half of something.    I checked out the website of The Celebrity's side project.  Hit the link and looked at the page.
That's as far as I got.

Didn't actually view/listen to anything that is posted there.  I couldn't bring myself to.  I didn't find it very inviting, then again, I don't really think he planed for me to ever find it inviting.

Why am I posting about this?  Because, at some point in the last few years, I managed to get under the skin of The Celebrity.  I guess in a few ways.  Totally weirded him out, and annoyed him, and just made him think I am a total nutball.  So he lashed out and made me feel worthless. That was two years ago.  His lashing out.  And it only took one sentence on the company blog to shake me to my core. Stopped doing my reviews because of his comment. I completely stopped writing for awhile because of it too, and it's been really difficult to get back into. 

Anyways, as silly as this all sounds, it was a hurdle I needed to get past. Crazy right, yeah I know.  But, he's just got this effect on me.  This ... I don't even know what, that makes me feel like I'm back in high school trying to speak to the cool guy a few lockers from me.  You know that feeling.  The one where nothing you say ever seems to come out right, and your pulse races cause your so nervous.  Yeah, that feeling.
And I've only ever dealt with him over the blogs.  So, imagine what kind of effect he'd have on me in real life?

Then again, he might not have any.  I was involved with this guy back in 2005, who was from Boston. We had this amazing chemistry online and over the phone for months but when we actually met up face to face; nothing.  Like talking to a brick wall nothing.
So who knows, maybe one of these days I'll get to meet The Celebrity and it will be like talking to a tree with bad hair?  And then again it could be worse then it is now?  I could turn into a pile of screaming mush, like I'm sure so many fans have when meeting Elvis or the Beatles or the Backstreet Boys or something.  Or worse.

I said it was a hurdle I needed to get past.  And it is.  Okay, it itself isn't, but the characteristic in me it represents is.  Confused yet?
The older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. It should get easier the older we get when we like someone, but I've yet to see that happen. It's like the reason I don't phone men I'm interested in.
Men scare me, and I hate to disappoint them.  And I always seem to disappoint them and scare the goo out of them.

And what brought all this on today you might be asking Mr. Scratchy?  Well, it's because of one of my cousins.  Walsh's sister.  She's been in and out of the hospital in the last few months, and it doesn't look good.  She's destroyed her insides from the last 11 years of drugs and drinking.  This is the cousin who betrayed me by stealing a boyfriend from me, and a chance at a recording contract.  That's a really long story in itself, but I forgive her.  It's taken 11 years but I finally forgive her.
And watching her now, knowing she threw her life away and that she might not live out the year... made me realize that grudges, fear, insecurity, and the complications they create is no way to spend your life.
And really, after the car accident I was in few years ago; I should already be living every moment to it's fullest.

But, I haven't been because I let a guy have center stage in my life.  A guy who is nine years younger then me that I've never even met in reality.  Granted, a guy who is one of the most talented men I've come across in years, one of the sexiest I've ever laid eyes on, and one of the most annoying at that.  But that's part of his charm.  That take no prisoners attitude is what makes him well, him.  And I dig that. 
And if he thinks I'm a nutball, there's nothing I can really do about it. He's going to think whatever he does about me, no matter how I act. But then again I'm not sure I want to have him think differently of me?  Never had a guy be relaxed around me and thinking of me like he does other women, why start now? And as everyone keeps reminding me, The Celebrity is just a man at the end of the day.

So yeah, two years ago when The Celebrity wrote what he did on the company blog, he made me feel like I was worthless. Like my writing was invalid, like I was invalid. And I let him. I reacted to his comment and I let myself become worthless.
To anyone else, his comment wouldn't have even been noticed, but to me; it cut deep. That's my insecurities big time.
When it happened, people said to me not to take it personal, that you never know what is going on in someone else's personal life, that he could have been having a bad week or day or what have you and lashed out on me cause I was there.  Someone else actually said to me that maybe he lashed out because he knew I'd forgive him?
None of that really matters.  In the end, it was how I responded to it. My insecurities.

My insecurities about not wanting to disappoint the men around me. Specially a man as successful as The Celebrity. And if I can't handle something like that on a blog, how am I suppose to handle real issues in a real relationship with any man?

In a messed up way, The Celebrity helped me realize this about myself.  I know Mr. Scratchy, that I've got him on this pedestal, but in a way, I've got you on one too. 

Note-  I've never screwed up on a date before.  Yes, I posted this yesterday on Aug 3rd 2012 with  july in the title.  

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