Sunday Morning

The Musician called me around 3am asking me if I wanted to go to Duluth.  I asked why?

Musician-: "You don't want to go because you don't have a passport?"

Me-: "I have a passport. You asked me about it before. But why would I want to go to the States?"

Musician- :"I don't know. Thought you might like to go. I'm going to the dells next week."

Me-: "Okay the what?"

Musician-: "The water slides in Wisconsin. You want to come with me?"

Me-: "God no. What time is it... you realize it's almost 3:25am?"

Musician-: "Just got back from the club. You weren't sleeping were you?"    

Ironically, I was not, I was having a horrible time with a battle of insomnia but he did not need to know that.

Musician-: "Have you been to the States before?"

Me-: "Million years ago, when I was a kid. Why?"

Musician- :"Do you want to go to Duluth?"

Me-: "No.  If I wanted to go to the States, I'd have gone to New York or Orlando by now for stuff."

Musician- :"Okay, oh well Ryan is here so I gotta go. But if you want to go to get your printer tomorrow, just give me a call and we can head over to walmart."

Why did I answer my phone?

She flaked

I got a text around noon from Musician telling me another girl flaked on him for a date.   My gut reaction was to say "welcome to my world now you know how I felt with those guys"   But I did not, instead I asked if he wanted to meet me for coffee.
Oh why did I do that?   

He met up with me out at the electronic store where I was trying to find a new printer.  The one I could afford did not have any toner available in store and the sales guy could not order any.  I had to forgo my printer today and will have to try another store tomorrow.   Another road block for my novel. 

We had our coffee, and he told me about his latest complications in dating and I stared at the display case of dvds that were on sale.   Yes, my biggest addiction besides The Celebrity and The Other Guy is movies okay, lest it's not drugs.  SATC's Carrie had shoes, I have dvds.

He wanted to know what he's doing wrong to make these women bail on him.   I was tempted to give him a run down in why I believe he's pushing them away, but I held my tongue for a bit and just asked him what he thinks the issue is.
He keeps coming back to the fact he's only attracting heavy set women to him.  The women whom he's attracted to are the ones who are standing him up. 
Seriously, I could sit here and point out the fact he seems to have no clue when he's invaded someone's personal space, or that he never puts down his cell phone... dudes he talked to me from the toilet this morning I kid you not... so gross really so gross.  

My day ended about an hour ago when I was on my way home from mother's, via the Starbucks located in the grocery; where upon I was standing behind a very slow moving Zane as he gathered up store carts. Then stood around as the line in the Starbucks expanded to reach the doors while the new guy flirted with this girl who just did not want to move to the side for the rest of the customers even though she wasn't even getting anything.
I ended up sitting down for a few minutes, watching the length of the Starbucks and the express check out where Zane was.  

I am curious to find out who has more groupies,  Zane or the new Starbucks Guy?

Count your pennies

My Uncle is normally a man who babbles about nothing of importance, much like myself;  but keeps his rants to how bad Woody Allen films are. Yesterday, he got on a strange rant about how we should always marry with money. 

Uncle-: "Make sure you date someone with a job.  Don't get mixed up with someone who is unemployed cause then they're always asking to borrow money. Can I borrow $20, can I borrow $50. No, don't do it. Make sure they have a good job.  Make sure they have a J.O.B. Don't just live with them either. Make sure you know they have a job before you marry them."

Me-: "Um. Sure."

Uncle-:"What? Too, make sure you really get to know them.  You're sister was with this guy before he even got a legal divorce she's setting herself up for trouble. Big big trouble. He's got kids! Kids that cost money to raise. Just make sure you don't get involved with someone unless they are working."

Me-: "Well, single dads are like the only thing in this city that's out there. And even the ones who claim to be single I've learned the hard way never really are. They've all been guys who've lied about it.  Which is why I don't date local guys anymore."

Uncle- :"You see All My Children today? David got stabbed and Erica is in the nut house."

What do you make of that?

"You've got fans" Walsh said to me while we were hanging around the bakery. 

He was on his way home from picking up the kids from a play date, and I was on my way home from mother's.

"I do? Really? Huh. And all this time I thought I had a bunch of guys in the industry reading me laughing and trying not to splatter their coffee on the computer screens when they do. They love me most the time."

Walsh-: "You don't think you have fans?"

Me-: "Okay maybe a few. But I don't get any letters, no comments. And the few I have gotten over the last few years have been fans of the guys I write about asking me what The Other Guy uses in his hair and can I please post more photos of The Other Guy.  that sort of thing.  No one reads me for me, they read me to know about The Celebrity and The Other Guy. Hell The Celebrity and The Other Guy read me to know about The Celebrity and The Other Guy.  It's pure food chain here.  Them at the top, me under the bottom rung."   I knocked over a half a display of hot dog buns from having flung my arms about.  I have to stop talking with my hands so much.

Walsh-: "I beg to differ. The whole sub-internet industry; didn't you say you were the first doing this?"

Me-:"To the best of my knowledge yeah. To the extent I was doing it, at my height of it, yeah.  The first Woman anyway." I bent to pick up the rest of the display that had fallen when I picked up the first two packs. "Sub-internet industry?  What we talking in code now?"

Walsh-: "You know what I mean. The internet blogging. That's something to be proud of."

Me-: "You know what though, since I made the comment I did while back about how I do not feel TOG is my Mr. Scratchy,  my ratings, hits, stats whatever you want to call them on the blog,  have gone down by half.  HALF! "

Walsh raised an eyebrow at me giggling as his youngest started to count out a handful of candy.  Two for her dad, four for her and none for me because I don't eat meat and they were little candies shaped like T-bone steaks.  Just my luck that the kid listens to stuff we talk about.

Walsh-: "Huh? Maybe there is more here then you want to believe.  You know I still think you should email them. Can't hurt." 

Me-: "Nope. I can't. No way to email them now.  All I had was a Myspace for them, but not any more."

Walsh-: "Huh. I still say there is something here you're not filling me in on. And since you asked me what I think about everything,  I think you need to go back to doing the wrestling reviews again."

Me-: "It lost it's shine for me.  Besides I was sort of  bad at it. And no one bothered to ever let me know for like a year. Never once did any of them shoot me a comment or an email saying that I called something wrong or how to properly spell something." 

Walsh-: "And if they had you would have gotten pissed off about it.  Darling, you're not going to win because you keep putting yourself down. I know you don't want to hear it but I'm just telling you the truth and it's what Grandma would have said if she were still alive."

Me-: "You did not just pull that on me!"

Walsh-: "And as much as I hate to say it, you were better at it then you think you were. Stop listening to auntie.  Auntie has her head up her butt. You're the one who is always going on about signs and omens and all that kind of stuff consider this a sign. Me, telling you to get off your high horse."

Me-:"I just want to go away for a few years. Travel."

What's my line?

"Are you okay? You look all zombied again."  I got asked by Mitch when I returned a few dvds today.  He was halfway out the door for his break.

"Novel is haunting me"  I answered.  I asked him where he was heading, he was just going next door to the coffee shop so I tagged along.

Mitch-: "Again?"

Me-: "Still. Just when I think the thing is all well and happy I find another plothole or some small scene starts to feel wrong."

Mitch-: "Can't help you on that." he scratched his freshly shaved jaw.  I took a look at him in his jeans and company blue sweater.  He's managed to gain about five pounds in the last while, doesn't look like a rake anymore. "What?"  he asked very much catching me checking him out.

Me-: "You look good is all. I like the no beard thing."

Mitch-: "Thank you. You're the only one to say anything.  Starting to think I'm invisible at work."

Me-: "Willow I'm guessing."

Mitch-: "That obvious? She's in a relationship but from the way she's talking, it's about to bottom out."

It was one of those moments when I really wished we were in a movie or some nonsense, where I could have just pulled him to me for a kiss or made a move but we weren't and that would have caused a great amount of bad uncomfortable feelings and would have destroyed the semi-friendliness we've had for the last two years.  So instead, I let out a deep breath and pretended to check my cell for imaginary missed messages I knew were not there while he got his coffee.
But I know he felt the strain for a couple of moments because he hurried to get a table while I got my own coffee, didn't wait in line with me and by the time I had walked over to the table, he was on to a common safer topic.  The movies I'd just returned.  Were they any good?  I'm the only one who's had the guts to rent a couple of documentaries on porn and they might get pulled from the shelf for clearance.

The Widow Effect

My sister and I went to look at a house.  The lady selling it is 97 years old, and has lived alone since her husband died over 35 years ago.
She never remarried, never dated anyone else. 

My sister and I ended up having coffee afterwards, and talked about the house, if she thinks her husband is going to like it, if she thinks the kids will and then we sort of each commented on the idea of being alone in a house for that long.   35 years taking care of the place on her own.    35 years of being alone. 

I don't know if I could do that?  Not for that long anyways. 
Both our grandmothers lived over twenty years without dating after our grandfathers died.  Both widows who never remarried, never dated.  I know this for fact, as both my grandmothers ended up living with us after their husbands died. 

Is it a compliment to the men they married or just the programmed expectations of their generation?

35 years, that's a full lifetime. 

I felt like some sort of castle freak for the first while I was single.  Now, I'm comfortable, but the idea of going on the rest of my life alone is unthinkable to me. 
I'm all for taking time to adjust and take care of your own health/money/goals, but at some point you have to rejoin society.  Don't you?

9 to 5 Days in Porn (2008)

This is a documentary of the porn industry in L. A.   We follow the lives of roughly ten people in the business from talent, to managers, to directors to photographers to a former star turned doctor.  Each telling about why they got into the business, and what keeps them there.

Can you actually classify this as a porno film?   I'm going to say no.  Yes, most scenes happen when the cameras were rolling on actual porn sets, but much of it is shot from over the shoulder of the crew. 

I have to admit, I'm no stranger to this sub-genre {the documentary of porn has become a popular one in the last few years} and this is one of the best I've come across yet.  With discussions on why the limits have been expanded as to what people are expecting, and showing a crisscross of production elements, you end up feeling like you're watching an episode of the Passionate Eye.  This is more then just a taste of the world of porn from a safe distance, it's a new layer of independent film at it's best.
Hopefully one that gives a new understanding to something that people are sometimes afraid of. 

Secret

"You know who it is and you're not telling."

I turned around to see Bobby standing behind me. I was sitting in the coffee shop waiting for my sister.  I swallowed a too large gulp of coffee thinking what do I say to this.  Bobby, as you might remember is JTGG's boyfriend.
I knew what was sort of going on with JTGG, and I did not want to have to tell Bobby.  I was actually thinking of just giving him this blog url.  Then he put his own iced cap down on the table, sitting down across from me.

"Your Mr. Scratchy."   he did the air quotes too, rolling his eyes.  "You know full well who it is but you're being a snot and not telling. It's driving JTGG nuts. Why are you not saying who it is?  Please tell me it's one of your little wrestlers."

I think I let out a very large sigh that would be movie worthy.  I nearly laughed then.

Me-: "Um. Yeah. You can say that I think I know who it is. I'm like 98% sure."

Bobby-: "But you're holding out because of 2% of doubt? That's not like you.  You Darling, never stop when you think you've got a puzzle. You would give Sherlock Holmes a run for his little British bum. You're real reason for not telling?"

Me-: "If I say then Jor will grab his magick stuff and you know, destroy my life with it. Good enough answer?"

Bobby-: "That's all you're going to give me aren't you? You know, I get that you all are Wiccan and shit, but he's too easy to jump to that stuff. Don't you dare tell him I said that or I will deny it and kill you. I'm tripping over f**king dragons and Buddhas and crap in our apartment. Do you know I can't have my dad over because if he sees all that witchcraft stuff he'll freak. But I really think you should tell Jordan who it is. Or at lest tell me"  he sipped his ice cap swinging one leg under the table.

Me-: "I can't. Won't and not going to. So you're just going to have to deal with it."

Bobby-:"But you do know?"

Me-:"Like I said, I think I might but until Mr. Scratchy comes out of the shadows of the foggy streets of wherever he is right now, I can not say for sure. So we're just going to have to say it is most likely one of four.  That I am aware of and leave it at that."

Bobby-: "Huh. Tease. I need some real gossip right now been too long since I heard from Nathan."  I looked at him with a very puzzled look about to ask who that was when he rolled his eyes blushing then answered that it was his ex.  "We're still in touch. And before you say anything. Just friends. Nothing naughty or bad or good or fun for that matter. When I am dating someone I'm only dating them. So don't get any ideas. Unless you're idea is to tell me who you think your little lover is."

Me-:"I can not tell something I do not know. all I have right now is thoughts, guesses, feelings, gut reactions, what ifs, maybes, and could it sorta bes."

He leaned across and touched my arm.  "And half your body scratched to shreds."

Me-: "And yeah that."

A novel idea

"Huh. Wow. That's... um..."  My cousin Walsh was blushing as he read the computer screen. I had the laptop open to the novel, trying to get some editing done on it when he stopped over to give me a ride to my doctor's appointment.  "You know, for someone who claims they do not write x-rated material, you have a lot and I mean a lot of sex in your book. Do you really need that in there? Grandma is rolling over in her grave right now. And Papa." 

Mind you my cousin seems to be in a constant state of blushing.

"What you don't like the masturbation scene?"

Walsh-: "It's... do you need to have that in there? It's just so... there"

Me-: "Well, I thought I handled it well."  I was smiling, no just smirking wickedly actually. My cousin was starting to fidget in his seat he was so uncomfortable.  "Yes. Actually I do need that in there. It's the turning point for the character's arch. I actually had two male friends help me with that. Sort of.  I had asked them both to write me some notes..."

Walsh-: "Uh. You...I can't..."

Me-: "Can I finish. No one ever lets me finish talking why is that? I got the reactions I wanted at lest. My buddy Patrick got all weird said he just couldn't help me. Said he tried, but ..."

Walsh-: "The goth guy? He was just messed up. I'm not sorry to hear he's out of your life."

Me-: "Yeah. Finishing what I was saying, and my buddy the indie wrestler, now he gave me notes. F*ck. He wrote a bunch of stuff but I just couldn't use it. It was just a mess of things with no coherent line to it. But, I did get an idea from what he gave me and the rest I made up."

Walsh-: "Well I have to give it to you for one thing, you have a knack for making men uncomfortable."

You should

In season 6 of Sex and the City, episode 89, Catch-38  the question of the week is "Why are we shoulding all over ourselves?"

It's the episode where Carrie babysits Brady while Miranda and Steve go on their honeymoon, and we find out that if Carrie decides to stay in a long term relationship with Aleksandr then any chance of having children will be off the table for her.

What got me thinking about this line more then anything was a comment from Musician.  He said that our ways of looking for someone to date isn't working, that we need to stop with the internet and bars.
I realized that he's got such tunnel vision, that he's putting me in a category that I'm not even in.  As I do not go to bars and I gave up on the dating sites a year ago.

I caught myself from making a reply on the topic to him.  Lately, he's very moody because he's not in a relationship.  He's one of those guys who doesn't know how to survive on his own.

A year ago, I woke up and found myself fearful of the dating sites. Fearful of not getting any messages, fearful of getting messages from men who don't care who you are as long as you let them in, fearful of being rejected by guys who I didn't even find appealing.  So I stopped.  I took a deep breath and let myself say out loud what I was truly thinking... I'm better then this.

And I am.
It's also why this blog has gone in such a different direction then it was meant to when I started it.

I know there is a really great guy out there for me. I also know I'm not going to find him here in this city or on some dating site filled with players who have no real self esteem.   Do you ever notice, the seemingly great guys who go on those sites fill their profiles with lines like "I have no time to meet anyone because of my work"  yet they are the ones who are online on the site talking to everyone for 8 hours a day?  I noticed and tried to do the math but it just didn't add up.  You know what I mean?
Or the guys who say they are tired of the bar scene but yet every single photo is of them at the bar with a beer in hand.  That's a large red flag for me.

Back to my point about the Musician.  He seems to think that all single people are hunting in the same old places for a new relationship. Like being single is a plague marker upon your head.
Not going to say that a new relationship isn't what I am looking for, cause that would be a lie, just saying that sometimes, you have to take a step back and a deep breath and just be alone for awhile.

It's that catch-22, how can anyone else love you if you can't love you and how can you love you when you have no idea who you are as a person?

There is a line in the movie version of Naked Lunch that I have always loved.   fix the typewriter fix the man.   Mix that with another line from an old Headstones song  I'm missing the H on my typewriter keys.    And you have where I am right now. 

Sexpectations

A topic I've been seeing popping up as of late online, is about how this new generation are having less sex in real life but are living a very active digital one.

It would seem, from the state of things, we are living in a society that has more then tripled the expectations of what is considered good sex. And put the fear into millions that nothing they could possible do will be good enough to make their partners think well of them in bed.  But on the same hand, it seems, this generation is claiming to have the best sex lives.

Does that seem like it's adding up to you?  Me neither.

What I can tell you is that they forgot to poll the teens and twentysomethings here in my city because our pregnancy rate has doubled in the last two years.  So some of that "new generation" is clearly having sex, and from the looks of it, it's all real baby.   Or at lest enough that the delivery wing at our local hospital will be overflowing in a few months time.

There is no question that the invention of social media outlets, cell phones, etc  has increased the way people have their relationships, (I've done a few digital things myself) but at the core of it all, I have to ask who can survive in a digital world alone?

Something is brewing

I was in the grocery when Storm walked past. I got the impression at first that he was going to pretend he didn't see me, but oddly enough, he doubled back and tapped me on the shoulder asking how everything was going. When I asked him how things are with him, he made a face as if I'd punched him, and simply said he's been busy.
I sort of brushed it off as I was in a rush. Few minutes later, I was checking out, and spotted him talking to one of the new girls. She was hanging off his every word as if they were made of gold. This is not the girl he's been dating either by the way.
I got stuck talking to The Drama Queen for a few minutes, and when I got outside to the parking lot, Storm and this new girl were sitting having a smoke. Storm, spotted me and started to circle the table where the staff sit for their breaks.
They were in a conversation, then he just up and started to ask me about stuff as I walked past.  He made it apoint to stay standing. I can honestly say I've never had a guy stare at my boobs so long in my life, and I was only standing there for about 90 seconds.
I have no idea what his deal is.  I keep saying this, that I just can not figure him out.
The girl he was hanging around with was obviously either involved with him or hoping to be by her body laungage, yet he didn't seem like he cared that he was flirting with me.

I know I myself have been lately leaning towards a crush on him, but after this little episode today, I can't help but compare him to a few guys I've gotten involved with in the past.  The red flags are starting to make me think that he's not what he so far seems.

Dear Mr. Scratch... two

The other day, while I was being quized on the wheatgrass by JTGG, I had to speak up and ask him something.
Why it was he's repeatedly made comments about how he does not think I'll get my happy ever after when Mr. Scratchy finally tells me who he is?

He pointed out the fact his own soulmate is a woman. This confused me for a second then realized, he was getting on about the fact that they were not sexually compatable. Okay, but they also gave it a honest try for a good 7 years.

JTGG-: "And it was a lie wasn't it? I was miserable. I still love her, will always be friends with her, but my soulmate ended up not being a gay man."   {he laughed for a few seconds and oddly got quiet} He had been married to Gilly, the former Dominatrix.

Me-: "But soulmate love. Should trump everything."

JTGG-: "What? hahahaa."  {he shrugged, playing with his straw again actually looking sort of sad} "I think, I think that had I met her now and not back in high school, it would have taken a different path."

Me-: "You think you would be with her now ?"  {don't ask me why I sort of got my hopes up that he was going to say yes on that. Maybe because I remember how the two of them were together. Best friends, shared everything, had a weird shorthand to the point you would think they were reading each other's mind}

JTGG-: "No. I mean, we might have started that store we were talking about. Really Darling, you need to give up on her and I. I did. Tres tres not doing. Why you ask anyway?"

Me-: "You know full well why I asked. I don't know. There is a part of me that looks at this in awe. Just knowing that there is someone on this planet, and yes just going on the omens and stuff, and having seen you two, and the way Nura and her huband is, the way my grandparents were. Knowing that he's out there, on this planet there is a part of me that is thankful and happy and very aware that half the world never finds theirs or are even aware...."

JTGG-: "I still say we should magick Mr. Scratchy. Make him come to you."

Me-: "....NO! For the millionth time. No spells. I don't want to screw it up. It will be what it is meant to be WHEN. Got it! And can I finish,"

JTGG-:"I don't understand why you're so angry about it? But whatever." {he finished off his iced coffee and started to play some more with the straw chewing it}

Me-: "I'm being serious. For once in my timeframe, I'm being serious here. AND there is a part of me that is not understanding how he could be out there and not with me you know. Jor, did you not learn anything over the years?"

JTGG-: "I get it. I do. You want this guy but you want him to want you too. What's not to get? But, in the mean time, you can't put yourself on a shelf. Date!"  {then he started to hunt for change heading in the direction of the bus stop.} "I just don't think you will get what you want completely. Specially since ... hahahahaha.... since you're not over your ex. There pink elephants that have been tip toeing around us like icicles are now visable. " {he moved his arms around in large circles and hopped. nearly pranced as he moved on to the bus stop.Wiggled his ass at me }

Dear Funky Spunk

"OHMYGOD! I so need to talk to you NOW. Oh you look like shit, tres tres not good. Okay tell me tell me, what was the thing in that one episode of Sex and the City when the slutty one, dates the guy with the bad juice?"

This was the whirlwind that is JTGG.  He spotted me as I was leaving Blockbuster, he was coming out of the Burger King next door, and nearly ran me down. 

Me-: "Come again?"

JTGG-: "Hahahhahahahha. You're so with the puns." he said hugging me, then brushing off the spilled drink he just glopped on my shoulder.  And I was wearing my grey wrestling tee today to, which everyone knows is like my baby because I can not get another one if it gets destroyed. "You know the episode. Where she doesn't want to swallow when she gives the guy a blow job because he tastes bad. What was it on that one that she gets him to drink to help?"

Me-: " Oh. Wheatgrass shots. Why? And I am asking with fear in my chest right now pounding like a mad rabbit. Please don't gross me out right now."

JTGG-: "Hahhahaha! You mean like this?" he started to play with his drink, which ended up being some sort of iced coffee looking thing, the straw in and out of the cup licking it.  "You think I can get that at the grocery?"

Me-: "I haven't seen it. Try the health food store in the Square by the old movie theater."

JTGG-: "How did she talk the guy into drinking it on the show? Cause I need to know."

Me-: "I think she told him it was the latest fad or something. Do I want to dare ask?"

JTGG-: "I had sex with this hot guy I met at a concert in the park. I think I might like to again, only ..."  he shook his head sticking his tongue out at me making a face.  "Let's check the grocery." he grabbed me by the elbow and dragged me about three feet across the parking lot heading for the grocery. But I sort of stopped him because I did not want to go in there with him.  The grocery is a place I need to go again, a place I am starting to make friends with the staff at, and JTGG is too high strung and not subtle in the slightest.

Me-: "I am telling you they dont carry wheatgrass here. You're going to have to go uptown."

JTGG-:"Uptown? That means a bus. I'll go later. So what if they don't carry it? What do I do then?"

Me-: "Hold your nose and just don't swallow."

He looked at me with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open showing off his new tongue ring.
JTGG-:"OhMYGooodddddd! I can't not do that. How so not ... you'd never make it as a gay man. Never."

Can I have that in writing

A few months ago, I mentioned about how I was sent an email from one of the dating sites I used to be part of; saying that this one guy wanted to meet me.
I also mentioned, that personality wise, he was totally what I was looking for, but physically anything but.  You might also remember I stated in the post, that if he ever bothered to actually message me, I would at lest have a chat with him.
Well, seems he still wants to meet me.  I got another email from the site once again saying he's got me on his list of who's who on there. {or still though I'm still not sure how given I have not been active on that site in almost a year}
No, he did not actually send me a personal email. Not even an introduction. 
So why then you might be thinking, would I even bring it up again?  Because I did say here on this blog back in April, that I would at lest chat with him if he messaged.

Anyone want to weigh in on this one?  Should I or not?

He's off the menu part two

Picture it, hanging out at the grocery because well I needed to get groceries and there was air conditioning. Storm was working the shift all by himself, with an empty produce area.  So he started chatting with, asking me where I lived.  huh.
Then out of nowhere he made a comment about how his son was comming up for the weekend from out of town.
BAM!  didn't see that coming. Well, even if he's is single again, he's a single dad and not what I want to get messed up with.
Then, we started talking about books and the next thing I know, he handed me a pen for my number.

Talk about the twilight zone. What just happened here?

Okay Mrs Dalloway

As I went out to get the mail this morning, I heard one of the ladies in my mother's building talking in the laundry room about the movie The Hours. I lingered for a few seconds, sort of interested in what they thought of it.  It's been a favourite of mine since it first came out back in 2002.
The lady in the laundry room, was unable to get past the idea of the lesbian relationship that the main character was part of.  The man she was talking to about it, asked her twice while I was standing there what the main plot of the film was, but she was stuck on the one character.

I have not read the book that The Hours is based on, but I have read the original story by Virgina Woolf called Mrs Dalloway. I have also seen the film Motherhood which is a loose retelling of it.

Just now, as I was doing the dishes, my mind wandered back to the few sentences of their conversation that I heard, then to the movie.  Which, isn't that how things go? Like a chain reaction sometimes.  I started thinking about the love triangle that is indeed the modern part of the movie. The character of Clarissa is completely in love with her one time lover Richard, but is unable to be with him. Meanwhile, she must deal with the fact his ex-boyfriend is in town to visit. You feel the jealousy before it gets played out in the film.  You wouldn't right off the bat consider this a love story, but at the heart it is. It talks about the things we do for the people who matter the most in our lives, the ones that give us the most joy and usually the most pain.

When I think of this movie, I can't help but wonder, at what point do we cross the line from sanity to self sacrifice.  Which was what I was asking the other week when I wrote this post here

Misconceptions

I mentioned in my last post, that the Musician was having trouble asking out this girl.  When I asked why, he said that he's too shy. 
I found this hard to believe given he's the lead singer of his band. He's the center of attention all the time. How could he be shy?
He told me when he sees an attractive chick he's unable to even introduce himself.

The idea that popular guys, could be shy around someone they are interested in, has been brought up within my conversations and thus my blogging, more then a few times.

I still find it a bit strange sounding. If you've got the balls to go for what you want in life in the other areas, like your career, how could you be unable to introduce yourself?

One of my favourite stories happens to be Pride and Prejudice  and one of the main themes is how when we are stricken by someone so much, we can be afraid to show our real feelings. A whole subplot evolves out of the fact that the character Jane was raised to be demure and the character of Bingley to be timid. In the end they are both easily led away from each other for a good portion of the story by Darcy. Both characters are the first ones in the novel to fall in love, but nearly the last to finally get together because each feels they are not completely worthy of the attention of the other.

It's a perfect example of how a misconception can keep you off your hearts desire.

Mindless Monday -July 11th

I spent a fair chunk of yesterday on the phone with the Musician. He was working on some promotional stuff for his new cd. Mostly.
The rest of the time, we were talking about his love life. He'd been out with members of his band the night before, and had been asked out by this girl who was hanging around them. Friend of a friend of a friend type deal.
He turned her down. I could not understand why, given he's been bitching about how he's been dateless for the last week.  His reason, she's a larger girl.  Okay, I'm rolling my eyes at him because that seems to be his only excuse for everything.
Then he told me that the girl ended up going home with the next guy who looked sideways at her.  Fine, so she ended up being a slut. But how was he suppose to know that before hand?
Then he asked me how he should proceed to ask out the girl he's had a thing for, for over a year?  I had no idea other then to take her to dinner.  What do I know about proper dates, as I've never been on one.**  I've had many coffee dates, few drinks, but that is about it. 
Many many cancelations though the other year when I was doing the online dating crap, but that's old stories from an old blog.
I got a message from him last night before bed, saying that the girl asked him out to a movie last night.  Well, there you go, all is well in the land of love.


** I was on a proper date when I was 17. We saw Child's Play 3 in the cinema. That was 1991

Dirty Laundry 3

"I don't think you should have said that."  Walsh, my cousin said to me few hours ago. He called to see if I had heard anything from his dad, who along with his stepmom and my mom, are out of town visiting friends. No, no one has gotten hold of us in a week.

Me-: "Said what?"

Walsh- : "Um your post this morning. You flat out said you don't think he's good enough to win."

Me-: "What? No I didn't."

Walsh-: "That's how I read it. And speaking as a guy I'm pretty sure he's going to see that that way too. You voted for someone else."

Me-: "So not what I meant! You really think he's going to think that I don't think he's good enough? He's smarter then that. I was pointing out the over all big picture. Now you've got me paranoid thinking that he's going to think I think that. Thanks a lot."

Walsh-: "I'm just saying. You've already broken the heart of The Other Guy, now you've gone and..."

Me-: "Hang on! How did I break the heart of The Other Guy? Clue me in"

Walsh-: "Um saying you don't think he's your Mr. Scratchy. You really need to start thinking about censoring yourself sometimes. They are just men you know, not Superman. It's called feelings."

Me-: "So you think that I've hurt these guys? The Other Guy and The Celebrity?"

Walsh-: "Pretty much."

Me-: "Wouldn't I have to mean something to them to hurt them?"

Walsh-: "You still think that you don't?"

Me-: "I have no idea what I mean to them. They've never talked to me."

Walsh-: "Patience. Oh wife just pulled into the drive.Hanging up now."

So now my cousin's got me freaking out.

What's stopping you

Another text from the Musician came in just before 1am.
"Ask him out! OMG!"

The topic was Storm actually.  I pointed out once again, Storm, as far as I know, is still in a relationship.  Muisican's reply to me was  "F**k that. Who cares he's got gf."

Wow.  I'm seeing this trend in a bunch of people lately.  No one seems to respect the fact that some people on this planet see the boundries of a relationship as being just that. A boundry. A big neon sign that says this person you want is not available.  
This text, ended up being the bookend of an arguement I had with Musician last night.

Here I thought the older we got, the easier things were suppose to get when it comes to dating. Seems I was majorly mistaken.

Midafternoon's Scream

I was standing in line at the grocery, when BettyAnn, one of the ladies who lives in mother's building, got into line behind me.  She had a wrist brace on struggling with her groceries and her walker. So I waited.  Zane was standing few feet behind me at his checkout. He kept walking over a couple of steps then making little circles and back tracking. Now I know he wasn't just bored because he mans the self check out now, all four of them, and they were hopping with people.
As I was carrying BettyAnn's bags back for her, I bumped into Storm who was zipping around with customers. He did the walking backwards for a few minutes while talking before BettyAnn told him to do his job and get out of the way.
OUCH!
I ended up heading back to the Starbucks after I carried her stuff in and while I was sitting there with my iced-coffee, I saw Zane once again standing around.
Me, I took a seat in the tables area and just soaked up the air conditioning for a few minutes.  Zane on the other hand, started to do his little spinning-in-circles-few-feet-then-back-dance; this time towards the tables.

I just do not understand men? I want to say to you readers that Zane is on the edge of asking for my number, but this weirdness of his has been going on for months.

I was thinking of walking up to him and casually saying to him about not having enough groupies today for him to dazzle but I decided better.  As I do not think that would have gone over too well, in fact I think it might have gone over his head.

Steaming up your windows part five

He had fallen asleep, the warmth of Estelle's body a comfort he'd never let himself admit he craved. The rhythm of her breathing was more then just a hot sweetness, it was the start point of so many of his fantasies. He peeked at her over her shoulder, still holding her tight against him, his own face half on the pillow half  resting on her arm. Estelle opened her eyes looking at him in the darkness, catching him looking at her.
He suddenly felt like he was sixteen again, shy and unnevered.  She reached her left hand over in the darkness, tracing the length of his arm. The feather light touch sent an electric jolt through him, as she let her fingertips glide over the bare smoothness of his collarbone.
Caleb wrapped his right leg around hers enjoying the idea of being with her. Even if they weren't having sex. Caleb had to admit, he really enjoyed Estelle's company. Closing his eyes against the material of her dress, he let another sound escape his lips as his right hand found its way over her ribcage and up to her breast.

***********************************************************
Part 6 soon

What we learned from Laura

The first year I was in college, was shortly after the tv show and movie of Twin Peaks had been on air and at the cinema.
There was a girl in my course at the college who was a fan of the show to the point of being a devoted disciple right down to her Laura Plamer necklace and her Audrey Horne saddle shoes. 
The two years that I knew her, I thought her just an extreme fan.{cause Sir we all have our Addictions} As time went on, I would learn that her extreme fandome went a bit deeper.

In the movie Twin Peaks Fire Walk with Me  we learn that Laura is not all she was pretending to be.  In the end, the movie takes us down a rabbit hole that is laced with drugs, prostitution, and incest.

The Laura-Wannabe, had a different guy every other night, and was always worried she'd gotten an STD.  We're talking the very early 1990's here too, when being cautious while being casual, was not always practiced. She also strived to be the queen of our social sceen. In every way possible. Prom Queen by day, prostitute by night.

I honestly, can not tell you what happened to her after college. What I can tell you is that during the two years we were in school, I witnessed her acting out in order to have control.  She never ate because she was afraid of not being thin enough, and took the comments of her dad about how she would never make it if she didn't fit a certain blonde barbie mold way too much to heart.

In the end of the Twin Peaks mythology, Laura Palmer never makes it out alive. The message I got from her storyline was always to keep faith in yourself no matter how low life the rest of the world treats you.
What I witnessed with the girl from college was giving in and becoming the cliche.

I was watching a few episodes of the show this afternoon, and started thinking about that time in my life. How being a teenager, you think you have it all figured out and sometimes create your own mysery; and sometimes, mysery is thrown at you with full force. 
Sometimes we grow up fast, and other times, do we ever grow up?

I was also thinking "damn, gotta love movies/shows from the 80s/90s when actors who are 27 played characters who were 17"

Text to you later

"What are your plans for the weekend?"

That was the text I got around 2am from the Musician.  I keep my cell phone on almost all the time. I replied back, the usual which is nothing. Then asked why?

"We need to hang.Anything that involves leaving the house and being social."

He couldn't have waited till this morning to text me this?

Tuesday Tidbits -July 5th

There seems to be a new player in our little game.  Though I'm not too sure where he stands.
T.C. is one of the new guys working at the grocery.  He's on check out most of the time.  Yesterday, when I was there, I chatted with Storm for a few minutes before T.C. came sliding up and interrupting us.  No problem, he works there.
Today, I ended up going through T.C.'s check out because it was the shortest line.  Stupid me.  We hit a horrid day of + 29 c which had a humidex of +34c.  I was melting completely. 
T.C. leaned over and made the comment about how he's never seen anyone hot in the store. Big toothy grin, and attitude to spare. I was in no mood for games today.  As I was leaving, Doris who was heading outside for her smoke break, leaned in towards me and simply said "That one's trouble."

I'm still not too sure the trouble T.C.'s wanting to brew has anything to do with me.

Mindless Monday July 4th 2011

I have admitted before, that I have not felt any kind of spark with anyone in well years.  There have been zero butterflies, and I can't remember the last time a man made me weak in the knees.
None of that has changed.

But I find myself every day nearly, looking forward to talking to this one guy.  I find myself, slightly more relaxed when I bump into him. A guy who just a few months ago I wanted to throw out of a window every time I bumped into him. That guy being Storm.

Is this a crush? I keep telling myself that it can't be, simply because when I do talk to him, there is no nervousness, no blushing, no having to look everywhere but his face, no stumbling over my words. 
I do not remember the last time I was this comfortable talking to a man either. {well other then addressing The Celebrity and The Other Guy in my blogs over the last few years}

I do not mix relationships with friendships.  For me, they've always been two very different things.  So, here I am, trying to sort out my feelings, wondering if I'm setting myself up for something that I won't be able to fix? Wondering if this is even anything to be wondering about?

And of course, I can't help but wonder... can you have a crush on someone you're not even attracted to?

Wanna try me?

Mitch-: "You do not act like a single person."

Me-: "I don't? Okay good to know."

Mitch-: "Really. You have this air about you that is very stand offish.  Like a woman who is already spoken for. That's why he hasn't asked you out.  I heard him talking to The Drama Queen about you, so I'm fairly sure he's interested in you."

This was the conversation I was having with Mitch, when I went to return some dvds.  I had been asking about a new release, when he made the comment about me spending the night home alone and why wasn't I out on a hot date? Which led to the ever so humbling and humiliating answer of me being totally single for way too long. That's when he made his comment about Zane.

The only "dates" I've had lined up in the recent while has been coffee meetings with the Musician, which by the way, he's cancelled on me a few times because he's had actual real live better offers.  You know, it's one thing to have a guy stand you up, but it's very much another to have your buddies blow you off. 

We'd gotten on the topic of Zane because he had been dropping off a dvd himself as I entered the building. And once again, he spoke to Mitch but brushed past me without a word smacking into my shoulder.
I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it a billion times still, but no high school is never over is it?

Mitch-: "Just ask Zane out if you want to date him. Let him know you're up for grabs."

Me-: "Up for grabs? What am I, a prize or something? You make me sound like I'm a job position or something."

Mitch-: "Isn't dealing with a woman a bit of a job?"  he moved his arms in front of him  "Don't hit me. Just teasing."

Me-: "I'm not going to hit you. Suplex you maybe."

Mitch-: "What's that move that one wrestler you like does, where he flips you around his neck and over?"

Me-: "What the CradleShock? or the Wastelands?"

Mitch-: "Yeah the first one. the shock one. See, I'm learning. Paying attention. But if you want to get into Zane's pants, you need to just try talking to him."

Me-: "It's not like I haven't tried talking to Zane. He literally won't. I say hi and he looks in the other direction. I walk past him and he spins around so f**cking fast on his heels and talks to whomever else is around or does what you just saw him do. Push past me hitting my shoulder."   I was pointing wildly at this point talking with my hands completely worked up about Zane.

Mitch-: " Maybe he's totally got a boner for you and had to leave before you noticed."

Me-:" You did not just say that."  I was laughing at this point so much I started to sound like a yelping animal.

Mitch-: "You could always show him your boobs. That I'm sure would get his attention."

Me-: "You're the second person to tell me to do that when trying to get a man's attention. One more person tells me this and I might have to actually try it. Oh hang on, I sort of did by accident. I wonder if that's why Zane won't talk to me?"

Mitch-: "How did you accidentally show him your boobs? What did he trip and fall into your chest?"

Me-: "No, I was wearing a low cut shirt and leaned over too far."

Mitch-: "Who was the other person?"

Me-: "This indie wrestler I used to be friends with about two years ago told me to try it in regards to The Other Guy. I told you about that and the blog and everything. How the whole thing with him and The Celebrity started." 

Mitch-: "And did you?"

Me-: "No."


Mitch-: "Why not? I think it's marvelous advice."

Me-: "The Other Guy never tried asking?"  I grabbed up my purse and started to head for the door.

Mitch-: "If I asked would you show them to me?"

Me-: "You're not The Other Guy."

Mitch- : "But you would if he asked?"

Me-: "Who wouldn't if he asked?"

I do Did I?

I stopped in Starbucks on my way home tonight from mom's.  Feeling worn out and all I could think was I needed the biggest coffee I could find. The Drama Queen was on her dinner break and hanging around the back of the grocery, where the Starbucks is. 
She wears Dior Dune.  I'm a Burberry Brit girl myself.   I know this because she was leaning in over my shoulder while I was in line, and I could smell nothing else.  It even overpowered the coffee if you can believe it.

TDQ-: "I've been standing around since 8 am. Thank god I have tomorrow off. Not that it matters, as I've got another wedding to go to and my husband has to work until 630. God..." she turned to smile at one of the new check out boys. "We never see each other anymore, you know. Did I show you the necklace he got me last week?  And check out this ring. He's got no taste at all when it comes to gifts. If I could, I would have taken it back and got the money. Why are you back here again today? Weren't you just here like two hours ago?"

Me-: "I'm on my way home from mom's. Just wanted to pick up a coffee and some chocolate." 

TDQ-: "Ohmygod Darling! Did you see that?"  referring to a semi-cute construction worker who wandered into the building and over to the frozen foods. "I miss being single. It's not worth it being married to him. We never see each other. If I had my way, I'd never have gotten married."

Me-: "What?"   and I'm thinking, TDQ spent a full year and a half doing nothing but talking about the wedding few years back, and that she's been with her husband now for almost 8 years. I thought this while I watched her undo the top button of her shirt and walk over to the construction worker chatting him up.  

When she returned as I was about to leave the building, she grabbed me by my elbow pulling me closer to whisper something I could not hear then nodded.  I was about to say I didn't catch what it was she had said but then her cell went off with a text.   It was her husband.

TDQ-: "Ohmygod! Darling! He's telling me that his brother is coming over for dinner now. What the hell? Oh well, lest I'll have someone to do tonight."   {yes she actually said someone to do not something} "Okay, I've got to get back breaks over. Say hi to your mom for me." 

As I was turning to leave, I spotted Zane standing outside on his break.  Earlier in the day, when I stopped in the store for milk, Zane had been on shift.  I guess he was pulling a double shift or something. I caught him staring yet again, then he turned, walked away, tossed his cigarette in a puddle, and went through the other set of doors back into the building.   I have yet to figure him out. I always catch Zane looking at me, but whenever I say hi, he turns his eyes away and will runaway. 
I know he's not shy. He talks to everyone else. Flirts madly with every other female that comes through the store.